joseph soap
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I arrived back at Aunt Dahlia's and heard raised voices in the main room. I entered and saw the beloved relative in conference with Uncle Tom and Mr Harris whom I understood to be a business colleague from the city. Bit of a rotter so I had heard but it takes all sorts.
"Ah Bertie" boomed the old flesh and blood "Get me my horsewhip, this scoundrel Harris has just defrauded Tom out of a lot of money and I am going to beat him till he gives it back."
Harris smiled. "No need to adopt that approach, Madam. What I did was perfectly legal. Try any violence and my lawyers will serve a writ for damages."
Jeeves appeared and coughed politely. "He is quite correct Madam. I am aware of the circumstances and believe that the a course of action you propose would be imprudent.
"So is there nothing we can do?" wailed Aunt Dahlia. "He simply cannot get away with it"
"Not necessarily Madam. When I stated that the course of action you proposed was imprudent it was because it would leave tell tale marks. One that does not may achieve a more satisfactory outcome. I understand that like many gentlemen of Mr. Harris's race and background he is exceedingly ticklish and that may be a more productive avenue to explore.
"Bertie" the aunt said."Lock the door we'll tickle a confession out of him"
Jeeves coughed again. " Could I suggest Madam that we place Mr Harris in more experienced hands. I have discussed the matter with the housekeeper who at my instruction will send two strapping housemaids to escort Mr Harris, whether willingly or otherwise to her bedroom under the stairs where he will find Mrs Perkins the vicar's wife itching to make his acquaintanceship.
I pondered the situation. I had met Euphemia Perkins a couple of times. A mild mannered lady in her early forties who played the church organ on Sundays."Are you sure this will work Jeeves? Fine woman Mrs. P. but not exactly the torturer type."
"Looks can be deceptive sir. Mrs Perkins has the most wonderfully long, sensitive and mobile fingers which when vigourously applied to a gentlemen's ticklish parts can give rise to the most excruciating torture . A woman of strong religious faith Mrs Perkins is of the view that her fingers are weapons which the Lord has provided to exorcise the devils which inhabit an evil - doer's body. You will recall on occasion hearing scarcely human screams emanating from the Church vestry and on occasion the local constabulary -that was Mrs. Perkins busily engaged in what she refers to as her "Special Mission."
"Sounds like a jolly good idea Jeeves but I suppose we'd all better get some earplugs if we want to enjoy the show." I said knowing that the good aunt would like nothing better than to see a Mr Harris writhing in extreme pain.
"Not necessarily Madam. I perhaps omitted to mention that the two strapping housemaids who are waiting to escort Mr Harris to his place of torture were for some years members of a patriotic organisation known as the "Black Skirts" who you will doubtless recall used to treat political opponents not only to a nourishing meal of castor oil and mouldy socks but also to a lenghty and highly aromatic face-sitting after which they would dress them in pink underwear and subject them to a series of humiliations such as having to lick and polish officers boots; kiss and iron their tunics and others often of an highly imaginative and amusing nature.
Both ladies are anxious to demonstrate their old skills and have formed the view that sitting fimly on a gentleman's face provides the perfect accompaniment to an intensive and merciless tickling as it not only deadens the screams but greatly intensifies the agony. They have often said how sad it was that Mrs. Perkins was not a "Black Skirt" member.
I have little doubt that within a very brief period indeed Mr Harris will not only have agreed to repay your husband for all his losses plus a further sum for trouble and inconvenience but will also be on his knees begging to be allowed to carry out a wide range of domestic duties whilst wearing some rather fetching creations which the housemaids have thoughtfully provided for him. Indeed I understand that a full programme of entertainment is planned for after dinner."
"Jeeves. How can I thank you enough?" " It is a pleasure to give satisfaction, Madam. In the meantime would you wish me to summon the housemaids?. We surely do not wish to keep Mrs. Perkins waiting"
"Ah Bertie" boomed the old flesh and blood "Get me my horsewhip, this scoundrel Harris has just defrauded Tom out of a lot of money and I am going to beat him till he gives it back."
Harris smiled. "No need to adopt that approach, Madam. What I did was perfectly legal. Try any violence and my lawyers will serve a writ for damages."
Jeeves appeared and coughed politely. "He is quite correct Madam. I am aware of the circumstances and believe that the a course of action you propose would be imprudent.
"So is there nothing we can do?" wailed Aunt Dahlia. "He simply cannot get away with it"
"Not necessarily Madam. When I stated that the course of action you proposed was imprudent it was because it would leave tell tale marks. One that does not may achieve a more satisfactory outcome. I understand that like many gentlemen of Mr. Harris's race and background he is exceedingly ticklish and that may be a more productive avenue to explore.
"Bertie" the aunt said."Lock the door we'll tickle a confession out of him"
Jeeves coughed again. " Could I suggest Madam that we place Mr Harris in more experienced hands. I have discussed the matter with the housekeeper who at my instruction will send two strapping housemaids to escort Mr Harris, whether willingly or otherwise to her bedroom under the stairs where he will find Mrs Perkins the vicar's wife itching to make his acquaintanceship.
I pondered the situation. I had met Euphemia Perkins a couple of times. A mild mannered lady in her early forties who played the church organ on Sundays."Are you sure this will work Jeeves? Fine woman Mrs. P. but not exactly the torturer type."
"Looks can be deceptive sir. Mrs Perkins has the most wonderfully long, sensitive and mobile fingers which when vigourously applied to a gentlemen's ticklish parts can give rise to the most excruciating torture . A woman of strong religious faith Mrs Perkins is of the view that her fingers are weapons which the Lord has provided to exorcise the devils which inhabit an evil - doer's body. You will recall on occasion hearing scarcely human screams emanating from the Church vestry and on occasion the local constabulary -that was Mrs. Perkins busily engaged in what she refers to as her "Special Mission."
"Sounds like a jolly good idea Jeeves but I suppose we'd all better get some earplugs if we want to enjoy the show." I said knowing that the good aunt would like nothing better than to see a Mr Harris writhing in extreme pain.
"Not necessarily Madam. I perhaps omitted to mention that the two strapping housemaids who are waiting to escort Mr Harris to his place of torture were for some years members of a patriotic organisation known as the "Black Skirts" who you will doubtless recall used to treat political opponents not only to a nourishing meal of castor oil and mouldy socks but also to a lenghty and highly aromatic face-sitting after which they would dress them in pink underwear and subject them to a series of humiliations such as having to lick and polish officers boots; kiss and iron their tunics and others often of an highly imaginative and amusing nature.
Both ladies are anxious to demonstrate their old skills and have formed the view that sitting fimly on a gentleman's face provides the perfect accompaniment to an intensive and merciless tickling as it not only deadens the screams but greatly intensifies the agony. They have often said how sad it was that Mrs. Perkins was not a "Black Skirt" member.
I have little doubt that within a very brief period indeed Mr Harris will not only have agreed to repay your husband for all his losses plus a further sum for trouble and inconvenience but will also be on his knees begging to be allowed to carry out a wide range of domestic duties whilst wearing some rather fetching creations which the housemaids have thoughtfully provided for him. Indeed I understand that a full programme of entertainment is planned for after dinner."
"Jeeves. How can I thank you enough?" " It is a pleasure to give satisfaction, Madam. In the meantime would you wish me to summon the housemaids?. We surely do not wish to keep Mrs. Perkins waiting"
Especially as he is enduring a face-sitting!
