A MILLION AND 99 LAUGHS
by XODLIRV
The man known only as the Chief sat grimly at his desk, staring at the sheaf of papers in front of him. The reports were as baffling as they were horrifying. This was one of the most puzzling cases CONTROL had been faced with yet. There was only one man who could solve this one.
“Chief,” Larabee’s voice came over the intercom, “Agent 86 is here.”
The Chief sighed deeply. It was a shame that man wasn’t available. “Send him in, Larabee,” the Chief said, resignedly.
The door of the Chief’s office opened and Maxwell Smart walked in, smiling. “Morning, Chief!” he called brightly. “What’s new?”
“What’s new, Max?” the Chief asked. “Four vital state secrets have been stolen in the last four weeks, that’s what’s new!”
Max’s expression changed to one of grim concern. “Gosh, Chief, that’s terrible!” Max declared. “Especially with the holidays coming up!”
The Chief’s forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. “What holidays?”
“All of them!” Max declared. “This is only January!”
The Chief began massaging the area above his left eye. “Max, try to focus, please!” he grumbled. “Four important secrets have been stolen in the last month. And two things link these crimes.”
“What two things, Chief?” Max asked, putting his foot up on the Chief’s desk. He leaned forward to rest his elbow on his knee, but missed and ended up sprawled across the Chief’s desk. The veteran secret operator raised his eyes to Heaven.
“Eh, as I was saying..what two things, Chief?” Max asked, climbing awkwardly to his feet.
“First of all, each secret concerned the design and construction of the United States’ new defense system.”
“The Star Trek Missile Defense System!” Max gasped.
“Exactly,” Chief said grimly. “First, the top secret test results from Garrick Labs in Keystone City, stolen from Senator Byrd’s office. Then, the only working model of the primary component, stolen from Professor Hinckley’s laboratory in Denver. Then, the schedule list of upcoming secret tests stolen from General Newsantz’ office at Aberdeen Proving Grounds. Finally, the top-secret recipe for Montana Fried Chicken stolen from corporate headquarters in Billings!”
Max’s eyes widened. “What does that have to do with the Star Trek Defense System, Chief?”
“The head of the research team loves it,” the Chief explained. “He can’t think properly if he doesn’t have the Three-Piece Extra Crispy Meal for lunch. And even that is a state secret!”
“Wow,” Max said, impressed. “And what’s the other link, Chief?”
“In each case, the secretary of the man whose office was robbed has vanished,” the Chief said. “It appears that the women have been kidnapped, and information leading to the theft of the secrets forced from them by torture!”
“That’s monstrous, Chief!” Max exclaimed. “I mean, it’s one thing to torture men, but girls? Whatever happened to chivalry?”
“I don’t think KAOS is concerned with chivalry, Max,” the Chief said, a bit impatiently.
“KAOS is behind it, then?” Max asked.
“We’re not certain,” the Chief admitted, “but everything points to a KAOS plot. We have a suspect, too; Xia Jiow.”
“Of course!” Max said, slapping his thigh with his palm. “Xia Jiow! It all makes sense now! Of course it’s Xia Jiow! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before! Who else could it be but Xia Jiow?”
The Chief waited patiently for Max to finish.
“One question, Chief,” Max said. “Who is Xia Jiow?”
“A Chinese national,” the Chief said, “formerly in the employ of the Communist Chinese government as an interrogator, specializing in female victims. She was dismissed three years ago for excessive cruelty.”
Max’s eyes got very wide. “The Chinese Communists fired her for excessive cruelty?”
“Scary, isn’t it?” the Chief asked. “We believe she found employ with KAOS following her dismissal by the Chinese. Since then, nineteen female agents and women in the employ of high-ranking government officials. Only one of them was ever found, but she was hopelessly insane; unable to give any account of what had happened to her. And here’s the interesting part: there wasn’t a mark on her body.”
“No evidence of torture?” Max asked.
“None,” the Chief said. “Apparently, Xia Jiow has discovered a method of forcing information from her victims that leaves them seemingly unharmed, but does inflicts such great torment that their minds often snap under the strain.”
“That’s monstrous!” Max cried. “How are we going to catch her, Chief?”
“There is a fifth man involved in the Star Trek project,” the Chief said. “Dr. Steed Stitchers, of New York City, is working on a molecular compound necessary for the efficacy of the missile defense shield. An ‘unstable molecule’, he calls it. It’s likely that he, or rather his secretary, will be next on Xia Jiow’s list. We’ve arranged to replace her with a Control agent.”
“Excellent plan, Chief!” Max said enthusiastically. “I just have one question.”
“What is it, Max?”
“Do you think I look better in taffeta or chiffon?”
“Max, I have no intention of asking you to impersonate a woman!” the Chief snapped.
“Are you sure, Chief?” Max asked. “You’ve never seen me in a Dior original.”
“Be that as it may,” the Chief said, “I think I’d rather send an actual woman on the assignment.”
“A real woman, Chief?” Max repeated. “Chief, that’s too dangerous! Whoever you send would be facing constant danger every moment!”
“And loving it,” Agent 99 said with a wink, as she walked into the Chief’s office.
“99?” Max gasped. “Chief, you can’t send 99 on this assignment! She may never come back!”
“Your confidence in me is overwhelming, Max,” 99 said slyly.
“Max, 99 is one of the best agents we have,” the Chief pointed out. “I would trust her with the most dangerous, most sensitive, most delicate assignments possible, firm in the belief that she would complete the assignment successfully and return unharmed!”
“Thank you, Chief,” 99 beamed.
“Well, what about me?” Max demanded.
“Oh, yes,” the Chief said. “I have an assignment for you, too, Max.”
“That’s better,” Max smiled, as the Chief handed him a small piece of paper. His smile turned to a frown as he looked at it. “Chief, this is a dry cleaning ticket!”
“Yes, Max,” the Chief said. “It’ll be ready after three o’clock.”
“Miss Pennymoney, please clear my calendar of everything after two o’clock tomorrow,” Dr. Stitchers spoke into the intercom. “I’m playing racquetball with Stoney Tark.”
“Yes, Dr Stitchers,” 99 replied. She was posing as Gloria Pennymoney, Dr. Stitchers’ new secretary. She had been on the job for three days now, and nothing had happened; although she was always ready for whatever might occur.
At three o’clock, 99 rose from her desk and walked out of the office to put the afternoon mail in the slot. It had been her custom for the past three days. As she got up, she adjusted the hem on her orange mini-dress; her white high heels click-clacked on the polished floor as she walked. She held the letters in her left hand, and opened the slot with her right hand. She barely had time to cry out as a jet of gas shot out of the slot, catching her right in the face. Everything quickly went black.
“Time to wake up, Miss Pennymoney,” a thin, reedy voice called to her. 99 shook her head, clearing away the cobwebs. Slowly the world came back into focus. Instinctively she tried to move, and found that she could not. She was sitting in an upright position; sitting on something hard and uncomfortable. Her hands were high over her head, her legs straight out in front of her. She gasped when she saw the predicament she was in. Her ankles were locked into a set of wooden stocks, effectively restricting any movement of her legs. Her wrists were locked into a similar set of stocks, high above her head. She couldn’t move more than a few inches. She was completely trapped.
“Welcome back to the rand of the riving, Miss Pennymoney,” the reedy voice spoke again. 99's head jerked in the direction of the voice. She saw a thin, scrawny Oriental man in yellow robes; the man’s right hand was missing, its place taken by a large metal appliance.
“The Craw!” 99 gasped, recognizing the diabolical KAOS agent.
“Not the ‘Craw’, the Craw!” the fiend known as the Claw snarled, waving his metal claw at her. “I see my fame precedes me, then. You know of me.”
99 caught herself. As an ordinary secretary, she wasn’t supposed to know KAOS agents on sight! “I-I took a guess,” she said.
“You are very good guesser,” the Claw said, in a smooth, oily voice. “Perhaps you can guess why you have been brought here.”
99 raised her chin. “Whatever the reason, you won’t get what you’re after.”
“We shall see, Miss Pennymoney,” the Claw purred. “We have methods of extracting information from even the most reructant persons.”
“Do your worst,” 99 said, swinging her face away from the Claw. She gasped in horror at the motion, and shook her head again to be sure. Her earring! Her earring was gone! It must have come off when they kidnapped her! But the homing device Max and the Chief would use to find her was hidden in the earring! Now she was on her own, with no hope of rescue!
“Berieve me, Miss Pennymoney, we shall do our worst,” the Claw promised. “Come in, Xia.”
99 watched as a beautiful Chinese woman sashayed into the room. Her glossy black hair framed her head in a page-boy cut; her long, lithe limbs undulated as she walked, visible in a sleeveless green silk gown slit from hem to thigh. Her long fingernails were lacquered glossy red; her toenails too, which 99 could see because her feet were bare.
“Good evening, Miss Pennymoney,” the Chinese woman purred. “I am Xia Jiow, and I will be your torturer this evening. Perhaps you would like to spare yourself the agony of my expertise, by telling the Claw what he wishes to know.”
99 swallowed, summoning up her courage. What was this woman going to do to her? “N-never!” she said bravely. “I will never betray my country!”
Xia Jiow shrugged slightly. “I was hoping you wouldn’t,” she cooed. “It would spoil all my fun.” The woman walked behind 99, out of her field of vision. The trained CONTROL agent became nervous, wondering where the KAOS torturer had gone, what she was up to. 99 gasped a little when she felt Xia’s fingertips on her sides, one hand on either side. Gently, Xia began running her fingernails up and down 99's sides, making light pitter-patter motions with her fingertips as they slid fluidly up and down. The sharp nails grazed 99's ribs through the thin cotton-polyblend minidress; she let out a little yelp, then clamped her lips tightly closed.
“Ah, we have a ticklish one,” Xia purred. “Yes, try to hold it in, my dear! It doubles my pleasure when you finally do give in!”
99 trembled as the fingernails pitter-pattered up and down her rib cage. She was unbelievably ticklish! She had been ever since she was a little girl. Her brother and his friends used to hold her down and tickle the daylights out of her, a horror she remembered vividly. Her CONTROL training had taught her to withstand extremes of pain, but this--! 99 bravely fought to keep the laughter down, but it burst from her lips in a torrent.
“Mm! Ngh! Mm! Mmmwah-HA-HA-HAHAHAHAHA!! OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” 99's lithe little body shook and convulsed as Xia Jiow’s nails skittered up and down her sides, poking and probing between each pair of ribs, sending electric jolts of ticklishness surging through her.
“That’s it, little American girl,” Xia cooed. “Laugh now! Laugh for Xia Jiow! Laugh and laugh, until you’re ready to tell us what we want to know!”
99 screamed with laughter, her head thrashing from side to side. So this is how they had forced the information from the other girls! No wonder they had talked! This was unbearable torture! 99 fought desperately to pull her arms down, to shield her ribs from the intense, relentless tickling. But it was no use, the stocks held her wrists immovably.
Xia noticed her struggles. “It’s no use to fight, little American girl,” the Chinese woman purred. “There is no escape from the tickling fingers! Now, let us see where else you are ticklish!”
99 shrieked in horror as she felt the sharp little fingernails crawling into the smooth hollows of her underarms. Oh, God, why had she worn a sleeveless dress that day?
“EEEEHEEEEHEEEEK!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” 99 threw her head back and let the laughter gush from her throat. Perhaps if she didn’t fight it, if she gave in to the sensations surging through her, it wouldn’t be so bad. Her whole body went limp, and she hung from the wrist stocks like a rag doll, her entire body quivering and vibrating with the force of her laughter. Xia Jiow’s fingernails lightly skittered and danced in her armpits, drawing tiny circles and figure eights and zig-zag patterns. She grinned wolfishly, relishing the sound of 99's laughter.
“This one has spirit, I can tell,” Xia cooed. “It will take a long time to break her.”
“Take as much time as you need,” the Claw said, in his smooth, oily voice. “No one will ever find her here.”
“Chief, something has to be done!” Max demanded, pounding his fist on the Chief’s desk. “We can’t let 99 remain in the hands of those KAOS killers! Who knows what they’re doing to her?”
“Max, don’t you think I agree?” the Chief said. “99 is like a daughter to me! But we’re doing all we can! Her earring was found on the floor of the hallway of the building where Dr. Stitchers has his lab; that was the only way of tracking her. We have agents combing the entire Eastern seaboard. All we can do is hope they find her in time.”
“I know, Chief, but I feel so helpless!” Max said, slamming a fist into his palm. “If only there were something we could do!”
The Chief rose from his desk, and put a fatherly hand on Max’s shoulder. “I know how you feel, Max. Believe me, I do. But making yourself crazy isn’t going to help 99. You look awful. When was the last time you ate?”
“Ate?” Max asked. “Now you mention it, Chief, I can’t recall. Must have been some time ago.”
“Well, let’s go get some dinner,” the Chief suggested. “It’ll take our minds off things. Who knows, if we relax, don’t focus on it so much, maybe the answer will come to us.”
“Well, maybe you’re right, Chief,” Max said. “Where do you want to go?”
“Have you tried the new Chinese place on Delaware?” the Chief asked. “It’s called the Dragon’s Foot.”
“The Dragon’s Foot?” Max repeated, eyebrow raised.
“I know, it’s an odd name. But the mu shu duck is superb. Come on, I’ll treat.”
“HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” 99 laughed and laughed. Her entire body shook and vibrated with the force of her laughter. Xia Jiow stood behind her, a single index fingernail in each armpit, making slow, lazy circles. The woman was taunting her as she tickled, and her words somehow made the sensations worse!
“Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle,” the Chinese woman sang. “How does that feel, little American girl? Do Xia’s fingers tickle you very much? Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!”
99 tried to fight the sensations. She tried to think of something else, anything else. She tried doing her multiplication tables in her head, tried to think of all the state capitals, tried to name the U.S. Presidents in order. But nothing blocked out the awful sensations shooting through her body!
“Enough,” the Claw called, in his thin, reedy voice. Abruptly, Xia stopped tickling 99. Her head slumped forward on her chest, and she gasped for breath in huge, ragged gulps. The Claw scuttled up to her like a crab, and stared close in her face.
“Now, Miss Pennymoney,” the Claw said. “Are you ready to cooperate? You have seen for yourself how persuasive Xia can be. And yet, you have sampled onry a tiny flaction of her tarents! Talk now, and spare yourself further torture!”
99 summoned up her courage, and stared the Claw in the eye. “No,” she said, simply.
The Claw’s face twisted into an evil grimace. “Very well,” he spat. “Xia! Continue the torture!”
“With pleasure,” Xia purred. 99 watched her walk out from behind her; not so much walk as flow across the room. The Chinese torturess placed a plush cushion on the floor in front of the stocks, and knelt on it. 99 started with horror as she felt the high-heeled shoe being removed from her right foot.
“Oh, no!” she gasped. “Not my feet! Please, not that! Please don’t tickle my feet! I’ll die, I swear I will!”
“Will you tell us what we want to know?” the Claw asked.
99 opened her mouth, then clamped her lips tightly shut, closed her eyes, and shook her head from side to side.
“Xia,” the Claw said, simply.
Xia smirked at 99, holding up the shoe she had just removed. Xia dropped the shoe, and held up her fingernails for 99's inspection. 99's eyes widened as she stared at the nails; she knew all too well what they could do! The female secret agent bit her lower lip, and looked away. For a long moment, nothing happened. 99 waited for the sensations she knew would come. The waiting, the anticipation, was almost as bad as the real thing. Then, all of a sudden, it began. Xia’s fingernails began flying over the bottom of 99's right foot. Tickling sensations shot through 99's foot like electric charges, sending a torrent of laughter pouring from her mouth.
“EEEEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEE!! WAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
99's suntan-shade nylon stockings multiplied the intensity of the fingernails lightly scraping across her super-sensitive sole. Xia’s nails skittered all over 99's helpless foot, missing not a single spot. 99's arch, her heel, the ball of her foot, the base of her toes, even her instep was mercilessly, expertly tickled. Xia grinned and hummed a lilting tune to herself as she worked; she relished the sight of 99's foot thrashing and flopping around like a fish in the bottom of a boat, the sound of the woman’s tortured, frenzied laughter.
99's head thrashed from side to side, flinging droplets of sweat this way and that. Her face was flushed bright red from laughing. Her stomach hurt from the forced laughter, but nothing felt as intense as the electric tingling surging up her body from the bottom of her right foot!
“Such a ticklish foot you have, little American girl,” Xia teased in a high sing-song voice. “Sooo very ticklish. And what about your toes? Are they ticklish too? Hmm?” Xia began wiggling 99's toes between thumb and index finger, “piggying” them as had not been done to 99 since childhood. The helpless agent shrieked with laughter, as the sensations assaulted her tortured nervous system.
“HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!! HOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!! AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
All of a sudden, the tickling stopped. 99 gasped for breath, drinking it in in great ragged gulps. In some corner of her mind, she wondered why it had stopped so abruptly. Then, over the sound of her own ragged breathing, she heard a voice that she recognized, which made her start in fear.
“Have you had any success in breaking Dr. Stitchers’ secretary, Claw?” a plummy Prussian accent asked.
“Not as yet, Herr Siegfried,” the Claw admitted. “She seems stronger than the others. But she will break down, it is only a matter of time!”
“Very good,” Siegfried commented. “KAOS is very pleased with your work so far, Fraulein Jiow. Well worth the million dollars per victim we are paying you.”
“Your praise honors me, Herr Siegfried,” Xia purred. “When I am finished with this one, perhaps we could meet for a late supper...and whatever follows.”
“Er, Fraulein,” Siegfried said, a little more nervously, “KAOS frowns upon fraternization between its agents.”
“Oh, that is not what you said last Friday night,” Xia teased in her sing-song voice.
“Oh ho!” Siegfried’s aide-de-camp, Starker, exclaimed. “Siegfried and Xia, sitting in ein tree...”
“Shtarker!” Siegfried snapped. “Zis is KAOS! We do not kay eye ess ess eye en gee here!”
“I am sorry, Herr Siegfried,” Starker said, humbled.
“Well then,” Siegfried said, regaining his composure. “I do not wish to keep you from your work, Fraulein. But before you begin again, let me take a look at this one. I want to see the woman who can resist your techniques so long. Probably of fine German stock.”
99 tried to hide her face, but there was nowhere she could turn. Siegfried walked around to the front of the stocks, stared at the exhausted agent’s face, and his own face twisted into a grimace of rage.
“Claw!” he shouted. “You dummkopf! This is not Miss Pennymoney!”
“What do you mean, Herr Siegfried?” the Claw asked, confused and afraid.
“This is 99, a CONTROL agent! That verdammt Maxwell Shmart’s partner!”
“What?” the Claw exclaimed, staring at 99's face. “A CONTROL agent? Smart’s partner? Are you sure?”
“Am I sure? Claw, do you not recognize her?”
“Well, no,” the Claw said, scratching his head with his metal claw. “To be honest, Herr Siegfried, all American women rook arike to me.”
“Bah!” Siegfried spat. “This sets our program back weeks! Perhaps we will have to abandon it completely! If CONTROL replaced Shtitcher’s secretary with one of their agents, they are on to us!”
“Excuse me, Herr Siegfried,” Xia purred, “but perhaps this is not a complete setback.”
“How do you mean?” Siegfried asked.
“Well, if she is a CONTROL agent, she must have some information we can use,” Xia pointed out.
A slow grin spread across Siegfried’s face. “Very good, Agent Jiow, very good! Proceed.”
“No!” 99 cried out, as Xia again knelt on the cushions in front of the stocks. “Please, don’t tickle me any more! I can’t stand it!”
“When you’ve had all you can possibly take, pretty American girl,” Xia cooed, removing 99's left shoe, “simply scream. That will tell us that you are ready to reveal all of CONTROL’s secrets.”
“Ja,” Starker said. “Like how much vacation time they get!” Siegfried shot Starker a cold stare. “Well, Herr Siegfried, my contract is coming up for renewal, and--“ Starker stopped as Siegfried rapidly drew his finger across his throat.
Xia deftly used her sharpened fingernails to rip 99's stocking open, and peeled it down past her heel. Her left foot was completely bare. 99 watched in wide-eyed horror as the Chinese torturess gripped her toes with her left hand and gently pulled them back, stretching her sole taut. Xia then began lightly running her fingernails up and down 99's stretched sole, rapidly whisking her nails over the skin, like strumming a guitar. The sensation shot through 99's tortured nervous system like an electric jolt; she shrieked with laughter and her back arched as much as her bound position would allow.
“EEEEHEEEEHEEKK!! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!! Oh, no-ho-ho!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Plee-hee-hee-heeze!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No mo-ho-hore!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Xia grinned at 99's torment. She continued strumming her sole for long, long minutes, sometimes concentrating on her tender arch, for she got the loudest reaction there. Then she shifted her grip to the broadest part of 99's sole; holding that immobile, she began slipping her long fingernails in and out between 99's helpless toes. The poor secret agent shrieked with laughter.
“She is very strong, Herr Siegfried,” Starker commented. “I can’t believe she has lasted so long!”
“All CONTROL agents are strong,” Siegfried remarked. “I can respect that in a worthy enemy. But she must break sometime!”
After torturing 99's toes for awhile, Xia began using all ten fingernails on the bottoms of both feet. One hand on 99's bare left sole, another on her nylon-sheathed right sole, all ten nails fluttering rapidly over the smooth skin. Both sensations at once shot through 99 like lightning; she threw her head back and howled with frenzied laughter. This had to stop! She couldn’t stand much more! Oh, why hadn’t she listened to the Chief when he recommended the suicide capsule in the hollow false tooth? Anything to end this torment!
“Freeze, all of you!” a familiar voice rang through the room. All of a sudden the horrible tickling sensations on 99's feet ceased. She panted to catch her breath, tried to blink the tears out of her eyes. When her vision cleared, she saw Siegfried, Starker, the Claw, and Xia holding their hands up. “Max!” she cried joyously. “Chief! You found me!” 99's beloved Maxwell Smart stood there holding a pistol on the KAOS agents; the Chief beside him, and about half a dozen armed agents behind them.
“Keep your hands up, Siegfried,” Max commanded. “Looks like you’ve lost again! The forces of niceness have triumphed over the forces of nastiness!”
“Bah!” Siegfried sneered. “KAOS will have us out of jail in six hours, Shmart!”
“You think so?” Max sneered back. “The new jailhouse is absolutely escape proof! Nobody can break in, nobody can break out!”
“Who was talking about breaking out?” Siegfried shrugged. “Our lawyers are the best in the business.”
“Lawyers?” Max asked, confused. “Any lawyer who would work for KAOS would have to be utterly ruthless and devoid of any moral standards!”
“That is why they are the best in the business,” Siegfried agreed.
“How did you find this prace?” the Claw demanded.
“Max figured it out,” the Chief said, with a touch of fatherly pride. “I told him the name of this place, and he figured it out from there.”
“The name?” 99 asked, still gasping for breath. “Where am I, Chief?”
“You don’t know?” Max asked. “This is the sub-basement of the new Chinese restaurant, the Dragon’s Foot.”
“It is?” 99 gaped. She had heard of the restaurant; she had been meaning to try it.
“Yes, when I suggested it to Max,” the Chief said, “he realized that Jiow is Chinese for ‘foot’, so it was a likely hideout for KAOS’ female torturer.”
“Max, that was brilliant!” 99 beamed. She was so taken with her beloved Agent 86!
“Okay, boys, let’s get the prisoners out of here,” the Chief said, motioning with his gun. The agents began rounding up the prisoners and marching them out.
“I’ll set 99 free, Chief,” Max said. “We’ll join you in a minute.”
“Okay, Max,” the Chief said. “Get going, you!” This to Siegfried, who hung back to give Max a withering stare.
When all the prisoners and CONTROL agents were gone, Max bent down on one knee to look 99 in the face. “You gave me quite a scare, 99,” he said. “I was afraid I’d lost you.”
“Oh, Max,” 99 swooned, deeply touched by his concern.
“So, before I let you out, maybe I’d better teach you not to scare me like that.”
99 blinked, astonished at Max’s words. “Max? What do you mean? Oh, Max, no! G-get away from my feet! Max, don’t! MAAAAAAAAX!!”
THE END
by XODLIRV
The man known only as the Chief sat grimly at his desk, staring at the sheaf of papers in front of him. The reports were as baffling as they were horrifying. This was one of the most puzzling cases CONTROL had been faced with yet. There was only one man who could solve this one.
“Chief,” Larabee’s voice came over the intercom, “Agent 86 is here.”
The Chief sighed deeply. It was a shame that man wasn’t available. “Send him in, Larabee,” the Chief said, resignedly.
The door of the Chief’s office opened and Maxwell Smart walked in, smiling. “Morning, Chief!” he called brightly. “What’s new?”
“What’s new, Max?” the Chief asked. “Four vital state secrets have been stolen in the last four weeks, that’s what’s new!”
Max’s expression changed to one of grim concern. “Gosh, Chief, that’s terrible!” Max declared. “Especially with the holidays coming up!”
The Chief’s forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. “What holidays?”
“All of them!” Max declared. “This is only January!”
The Chief began massaging the area above his left eye. “Max, try to focus, please!” he grumbled. “Four important secrets have been stolen in the last month. And two things link these crimes.”
“What two things, Chief?” Max asked, putting his foot up on the Chief’s desk. He leaned forward to rest his elbow on his knee, but missed and ended up sprawled across the Chief’s desk. The veteran secret operator raised his eyes to Heaven.
“Eh, as I was saying..what two things, Chief?” Max asked, climbing awkwardly to his feet.
“First of all, each secret concerned the design and construction of the United States’ new defense system.”
“The Star Trek Missile Defense System!” Max gasped.
“Exactly,” Chief said grimly. “First, the top secret test results from Garrick Labs in Keystone City, stolen from Senator Byrd’s office. Then, the only working model of the primary component, stolen from Professor Hinckley’s laboratory in Denver. Then, the schedule list of upcoming secret tests stolen from General Newsantz’ office at Aberdeen Proving Grounds. Finally, the top-secret recipe for Montana Fried Chicken stolen from corporate headquarters in Billings!”
Max’s eyes widened. “What does that have to do with the Star Trek Defense System, Chief?”
“The head of the research team loves it,” the Chief explained. “He can’t think properly if he doesn’t have the Three-Piece Extra Crispy Meal for lunch. And even that is a state secret!”
“Wow,” Max said, impressed. “And what’s the other link, Chief?”
“In each case, the secretary of the man whose office was robbed has vanished,” the Chief said. “It appears that the women have been kidnapped, and information leading to the theft of the secrets forced from them by torture!”
“That’s monstrous, Chief!” Max exclaimed. “I mean, it’s one thing to torture men, but girls? Whatever happened to chivalry?”
“I don’t think KAOS is concerned with chivalry, Max,” the Chief said, a bit impatiently.
“KAOS is behind it, then?” Max asked.
“We’re not certain,” the Chief admitted, “but everything points to a KAOS plot. We have a suspect, too; Xia Jiow.”
“Of course!” Max said, slapping his thigh with his palm. “Xia Jiow! It all makes sense now! Of course it’s Xia Jiow! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before! Who else could it be but Xia Jiow?”
The Chief waited patiently for Max to finish.
“One question, Chief,” Max said. “Who is Xia Jiow?”
“A Chinese national,” the Chief said, “formerly in the employ of the Communist Chinese government as an interrogator, specializing in female victims. She was dismissed three years ago for excessive cruelty.”
Max’s eyes got very wide. “The Chinese Communists fired her for excessive cruelty?”
“Scary, isn’t it?” the Chief asked. “We believe she found employ with KAOS following her dismissal by the Chinese. Since then, nineteen female agents and women in the employ of high-ranking government officials. Only one of them was ever found, but she was hopelessly insane; unable to give any account of what had happened to her. And here’s the interesting part: there wasn’t a mark on her body.”
“No evidence of torture?” Max asked.
“None,” the Chief said. “Apparently, Xia Jiow has discovered a method of forcing information from her victims that leaves them seemingly unharmed, but does inflicts such great torment that their minds often snap under the strain.”
“That’s monstrous!” Max cried. “How are we going to catch her, Chief?”
“There is a fifth man involved in the Star Trek project,” the Chief said. “Dr. Steed Stitchers, of New York City, is working on a molecular compound necessary for the efficacy of the missile defense shield. An ‘unstable molecule’, he calls it. It’s likely that he, or rather his secretary, will be next on Xia Jiow’s list. We’ve arranged to replace her with a Control agent.”
“Excellent plan, Chief!” Max said enthusiastically. “I just have one question.”
“What is it, Max?”
“Do you think I look better in taffeta or chiffon?”
“Max, I have no intention of asking you to impersonate a woman!” the Chief snapped.
“Are you sure, Chief?” Max asked. “You’ve never seen me in a Dior original.”
“Be that as it may,” the Chief said, “I think I’d rather send an actual woman on the assignment.”
“A real woman, Chief?” Max repeated. “Chief, that’s too dangerous! Whoever you send would be facing constant danger every moment!”
“And loving it,” Agent 99 said with a wink, as she walked into the Chief’s office.
“99?” Max gasped. “Chief, you can’t send 99 on this assignment! She may never come back!”
“Your confidence in me is overwhelming, Max,” 99 said slyly.
“Max, 99 is one of the best agents we have,” the Chief pointed out. “I would trust her with the most dangerous, most sensitive, most delicate assignments possible, firm in the belief that she would complete the assignment successfully and return unharmed!”
“Thank you, Chief,” 99 beamed.
“Well, what about me?” Max demanded.
“Oh, yes,” the Chief said. “I have an assignment for you, too, Max.”
“That’s better,” Max smiled, as the Chief handed him a small piece of paper. His smile turned to a frown as he looked at it. “Chief, this is a dry cleaning ticket!”
“Yes, Max,” the Chief said. “It’ll be ready after three o’clock.”
“Miss Pennymoney, please clear my calendar of everything after two o’clock tomorrow,” Dr. Stitchers spoke into the intercom. “I’m playing racquetball with Stoney Tark.”
“Yes, Dr Stitchers,” 99 replied. She was posing as Gloria Pennymoney, Dr. Stitchers’ new secretary. She had been on the job for three days now, and nothing had happened; although she was always ready for whatever might occur.
At three o’clock, 99 rose from her desk and walked out of the office to put the afternoon mail in the slot. It had been her custom for the past three days. As she got up, she adjusted the hem on her orange mini-dress; her white high heels click-clacked on the polished floor as she walked. She held the letters in her left hand, and opened the slot with her right hand. She barely had time to cry out as a jet of gas shot out of the slot, catching her right in the face. Everything quickly went black.
“Time to wake up, Miss Pennymoney,” a thin, reedy voice called to her. 99 shook her head, clearing away the cobwebs. Slowly the world came back into focus. Instinctively she tried to move, and found that she could not. She was sitting in an upright position; sitting on something hard and uncomfortable. Her hands were high over her head, her legs straight out in front of her. She gasped when she saw the predicament she was in. Her ankles were locked into a set of wooden stocks, effectively restricting any movement of her legs. Her wrists were locked into a similar set of stocks, high above her head. She couldn’t move more than a few inches. She was completely trapped.
“Welcome back to the rand of the riving, Miss Pennymoney,” the reedy voice spoke again. 99's head jerked in the direction of the voice. She saw a thin, scrawny Oriental man in yellow robes; the man’s right hand was missing, its place taken by a large metal appliance.
“The Craw!” 99 gasped, recognizing the diabolical KAOS agent.
“Not the ‘Craw’, the Craw!” the fiend known as the Claw snarled, waving his metal claw at her. “I see my fame precedes me, then. You know of me.”
99 caught herself. As an ordinary secretary, she wasn’t supposed to know KAOS agents on sight! “I-I took a guess,” she said.
“You are very good guesser,” the Claw said, in a smooth, oily voice. “Perhaps you can guess why you have been brought here.”
99 raised her chin. “Whatever the reason, you won’t get what you’re after.”
“We shall see, Miss Pennymoney,” the Claw purred. “We have methods of extracting information from even the most reructant persons.”
“Do your worst,” 99 said, swinging her face away from the Claw. She gasped in horror at the motion, and shook her head again to be sure. Her earring! Her earring was gone! It must have come off when they kidnapped her! But the homing device Max and the Chief would use to find her was hidden in the earring! Now she was on her own, with no hope of rescue!
“Berieve me, Miss Pennymoney, we shall do our worst,” the Claw promised. “Come in, Xia.”
99 watched as a beautiful Chinese woman sashayed into the room. Her glossy black hair framed her head in a page-boy cut; her long, lithe limbs undulated as she walked, visible in a sleeveless green silk gown slit from hem to thigh. Her long fingernails were lacquered glossy red; her toenails too, which 99 could see because her feet were bare.
“Good evening, Miss Pennymoney,” the Chinese woman purred. “I am Xia Jiow, and I will be your torturer this evening. Perhaps you would like to spare yourself the agony of my expertise, by telling the Claw what he wishes to know.”
99 swallowed, summoning up her courage. What was this woman going to do to her? “N-never!” she said bravely. “I will never betray my country!”
Xia Jiow shrugged slightly. “I was hoping you wouldn’t,” she cooed. “It would spoil all my fun.” The woman walked behind 99, out of her field of vision. The trained CONTROL agent became nervous, wondering where the KAOS torturer had gone, what she was up to. 99 gasped a little when she felt Xia’s fingertips on her sides, one hand on either side. Gently, Xia began running her fingernails up and down 99's sides, making light pitter-patter motions with her fingertips as they slid fluidly up and down. The sharp nails grazed 99's ribs through the thin cotton-polyblend minidress; she let out a little yelp, then clamped her lips tightly closed.
“Ah, we have a ticklish one,” Xia purred. “Yes, try to hold it in, my dear! It doubles my pleasure when you finally do give in!”
99 trembled as the fingernails pitter-pattered up and down her rib cage. She was unbelievably ticklish! She had been ever since she was a little girl. Her brother and his friends used to hold her down and tickle the daylights out of her, a horror she remembered vividly. Her CONTROL training had taught her to withstand extremes of pain, but this--! 99 bravely fought to keep the laughter down, but it burst from her lips in a torrent.
“Mm! Ngh! Mm! Mmmwah-HA-HA-HAHAHAHAHA!! OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” 99's lithe little body shook and convulsed as Xia Jiow’s nails skittered up and down her sides, poking and probing between each pair of ribs, sending electric jolts of ticklishness surging through her.
“That’s it, little American girl,” Xia cooed. “Laugh now! Laugh for Xia Jiow! Laugh and laugh, until you’re ready to tell us what we want to know!”
99 screamed with laughter, her head thrashing from side to side. So this is how they had forced the information from the other girls! No wonder they had talked! This was unbearable torture! 99 fought desperately to pull her arms down, to shield her ribs from the intense, relentless tickling. But it was no use, the stocks held her wrists immovably.
Xia noticed her struggles. “It’s no use to fight, little American girl,” the Chinese woman purred. “There is no escape from the tickling fingers! Now, let us see where else you are ticklish!”
99 shrieked in horror as she felt the sharp little fingernails crawling into the smooth hollows of her underarms. Oh, God, why had she worn a sleeveless dress that day?
“EEEEHEEEEHEEEEK!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” 99 threw her head back and let the laughter gush from her throat. Perhaps if she didn’t fight it, if she gave in to the sensations surging through her, it wouldn’t be so bad. Her whole body went limp, and she hung from the wrist stocks like a rag doll, her entire body quivering and vibrating with the force of her laughter. Xia Jiow’s fingernails lightly skittered and danced in her armpits, drawing tiny circles and figure eights and zig-zag patterns. She grinned wolfishly, relishing the sound of 99's laughter.
“This one has spirit, I can tell,” Xia cooed. “It will take a long time to break her.”
“Take as much time as you need,” the Claw said, in his smooth, oily voice. “No one will ever find her here.”
“Chief, something has to be done!” Max demanded, pounding his fist on the Chief’s desk. “We can’t let 99 remain in the hands of those KAOS killers! Who knows what they’re doing to her?”
“Max, don’t you think I agree?” the Chief said. “99 is like a daughter to me! But we’re doing all we can! Her earring was found on the floor of the hallway of the building where Dr. Stitchers has his lab; that was the only way of tracking her. We have agents combing the entire Eastern seaboard. All we can do is hope they find her in time.”
“I know, Chief, but I feel so helpless!” Max said, slamming a fist into his palm. “If only there were something we could do!”
The Chief rose from his desk, and put a fatherly hand on Max’s shoulder. “I know how you feel, Max. Believe me, I do. But making yourself crazy isn’t going to help 99. You look awful. When was the last time you ate?”
“Ate?” Max asked. “Now you mention it, Chief, I can’t recall. Must have been some time ago.”
“Well, let’s go get some dinner,” the Chief suggested. “It’ll take our minds off things. Who knows, if we relax, don’t focus on it so much, maybe the answer will come to us.”
“Well, maybe you’re right, Chief,” Max said. “Where do you want to go?”
“Have you tried the new Chinese place on Delaware?” the Chief asked. “It’s called the Dragon’s Foot.”
“The Dragon’s Foot?” Max repeated, eyebrow raised.
“I know, it’s an odd name. But the mu shu duck is superb. Come on, I’ll treat.”
“HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” 99 laughed and laughed. Her entire body shook and vibrated with the force of her laughter. Xia Jiow stood behind her, a single index fingernail in each armpit, making slow, lazy circles. The woman was taunting her as she tickled, and her words somehow made the sensations worse!
“Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle,” the Chinese woman sang. “How does that feel, little American girl? Do Xia’s fingers tickle you very much? Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!”
99 tried to fight the sensations. She tried to think of something else, anything else. She tried doing her multiplication tables in her head, tried to think of all the state capitals, tried to name the U.S. Presidents in order. But nothing blocked out the awful sensations shooting through her body!
“Enough,” the Claw called, in his thin, reedy voice. Abruptly, Xia stopped tickling 99. Her head slumped forward on her chest, and she gasped for breath in huge, ragged gulps. The Claw scuttled up to her like a crab, and stared close in her face.
“Now, Miss Pennymoney,” the Claw said. “Are you ready to cooperate? You have seen for yourself how persuasive Xia can be. And yet, you have sampled onry a tiny flaction of her tarents! Talk now, and spare yourself further torture!”
99 summoned up her courage, and stared the Claw in the eye. “No,” she said, simply.
The Claw’s face twisted into an evil grimace. “Very well,” he spat. “Xia! Continue the torture!”
“With pleasure,” Xia purred. 99 watched her walk out from behind her; not so much walk as flow across the room. The Chinese torturess placed a plush cushion on the floor in front of the stocks, and knelt on it. 99 started with horror as she felt the high-heeled shoe being removed from her right foot.
“Oh, no!” she gasped. “Not my feet! Please, not that! Please don’t tickle my feet! I’ll die, I swear I will!”
“Will you tell us what we want to know?” the Claw asked.
99 opened her mouth, then clamped her lips tightly shut, closed her eyes, and shook her head from side to side.
“Xia,” the Claw said, simply.
Xia smirked at 99, holding up the shoe she had just removed. Xia dropped the shoe, and held up her fingernails for 99's inspection. 99's eyes widened as she stared at the nails; she knew all too well what they could do! The female secret agent bit her lower lip, and looked away. For a long moment, nothing happened. 99 waited for the sensations she knew would come. The waiting, the anticipation, was almost as bad as the real thing. Then, all of a sudden, it began. Xia’s fingernails began flying over the bottom of 99's right foot. Tickling sensations shot through 99's foot like electric charges, sending a torrent of laughter pouring from her mouth.
“EEEEEEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEE!! WAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
99's suntan-shade nylon stockings multiplied the intensity of the fingernails lightly scraping across her super-sensitive sole. Xia’s nails skittered all over 99's helpless foot, missing not a single spot. 99's arch, her heel, the ball of her foot, the base of her toes, even her instep was mercilessly, expertly tickled. Xia grinned and hummed a lilting tune to herself as she worked; she relished the sight of 99's foot thrashing and flopping around like a fish in the bottom of a boat, the sound of the woman’s tortured, frenzied laughter.
99's head thrashed from side to side, flinging droplets of sweat this way and that. Her face was flushed bright red from laughing. Her stomach hurt from the forced laughter, but nothing felt as intense as the electric tingling surging up her body from the bottom of her right foot!
“Such a ticklish foot you have, little American girl,” Xia teased in a high sing-song voice. “Sooo very ticklish. And what about your toes? Are they ticklish too? Hmm?” Xia began wiggling 99's toes between thumb and index finger, “piggying” them as had not been done to 99 since childhood. The helpless agent shrieked with laughter, as the sensations assaulted her tortured nervous system.
“HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!! HOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!! AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
All of a sudden, the tickling stopped. 99 gasped for breath, drinking it in in great ragged gulps. In some corner of her mind, she wondered why it had stopped so abruptly. Then, over the sound of her own ragged breathing, she heard a voice that she recognized, which made her start in fear.
“Have you had any success in breaking Dr. Stitchers’ secretary, Claw?” a plummy Prussian accent asked.
“Not as yet, Herr Siegfried,” the Claw admitted. “She seems stronger than the others. But she will break down, it is only a matter of time!”
“Very good,” Siegfried commented. “KAOS is very pleased with your work so far, Fraulein Jiow. Well worth the million dollars per victim we are paying you.”
“Your praise honors me, Herr Siegfried,” Xia purred. “When I am finished with this one, perhaps we could meet for a late supper...and whatever follows.”
“Er, Fraulein,” Siegfried said, a little more nervously, “KAOS frowns upon fraternization between its agents.”
“Oh, that is not what you said last Friday night,” Xia teased in her sing-song voice.
“Oh ho!” Siegfried’s aide-de-camp, Starker, exclaimed. “Siegfried and Xia, sitting in ein tree...”
“Shtarker!” Siegfried snapped. “Zis is KAOS! We do not kay eye ess ess eye en gee here!”
“I am sorry, Herr Siegfried,” Starker said, humbled.
“Well then,” Siegfried said, regaining his composure. “I do not wish to keep you from your work, Fraulein. But before you begin again, let me take a look at this one. I want to see the woman who can resist your techniques so long. Probably of fine German stock.”
99 tried to hide her face, but there was nowhere she could turn. Siegfried walked around to the front of the stocks, stared at the exhausted agent’s face, and his own face twisted into a grimace of rage.
“Claw!” he shouted. “You dummkopf! This is not Miss Pennymoney!”
“What do you mean, Herr Siegfried?” the Claw asked, confused and afraid.
“This is 99, a CONTROL agent! That verdammt Maxwell Shmart’s partner!”
“What?” the Claw exclaimed, staring at 99's face. “A CONTROL agent? Smart’s partner? Are you sure?”
“Am I sure? Claw, do you not recognize her?”
“Well, no,” the Claw said, scratching his head with his metal claw. “To be honest, Herr Siegfried, all American women rook arike to me.”
“Bah!” Siegfried spat. “This sets our program back weeks! Perhaps we will have to abandon it completely! If CONTROL replaced Shtitcher’s secretary with one of their agents, they are on to us!”
“Excuse me, Herr Siegfried,” Xia purred, “but perhaps this is not a complete setback.”
“How do you mean?” Siegfried asked.
“Well, if she is a CONTROL agent, she must have some information we can use,” Xia pointed out.
A slow grin spread across Siegfried’s face. “Very good, Agent Jiow, very good! Proceed.”
“No!” 99 cried out, as Xia again knelt on the cushions in front of the stocks. “Please, don’t tickle me any more! I can’t stand it!”
“When you’ve had all you can possibly take, pretty American girl,” Xia cooed, removing 99's left shoe, “simply scream. That will tell us that you are ready to reveal all of CONTROL’s secrets.”
“Ja,” Starker said. “Like how much vacation time they get!” Siegfried shot Starker a cold stare. “Well, Herr Siegfried, my contract is coming up for renewal, and--“ Starker stopped as Siegfried rapidly drew his finger across his throat.
Xia deftly used her sharpened fingernails to rip 99's stocking open, and peeled it down past her heel. Her left foot was completely bare. 99 watched in wide-eyed horror as the Chinese torturess gripped her toes with her left hand and gently pulled them back, stretching her sole taut. Xia then began lightly running her fingernails up and down 99's stretched sole, rapidly whisking her nails over the skin, like strumming a guitar. The sensation shot through 99's tortured nervous system like an electric jolt; she shrieked with laughter and her back arched as much as her bound position would allow.
“EEEEHEEEEHEEKK!! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!! Oh, no-ho-ho!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Plee-hee-hee-heeze!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No mo-ho-hore!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Xia grinned at 99's torment. She continued strumming her sole for long, long minutes, sometimes concentrating on her tender arch, for she got the loudest reaction there. Then she shifted her grip to the broadest part of 99's sole; holding that immobile, she began slipping her long fingernails in and out between 99's helpless toes. The poor secret agent shrieked with laughter.
“She is very strong, Herr Siegfried,” Starker commented. “I can’t believe she has lasted so long!”
“All CONTROL agents are strong,” Siegfried remarked. “I can respect that in a worthy enemy. But she must break sometime!”
After torturing 99's toes for awhile, Xia began using all ten fingernails on the bottoms of both feet. One hand on 99's bare left sole, another on her nylon-sheathed right sole, all ten nails fluttering rapidly over the smooth skin. Both sensations at once shot through 99 like lightning; she threw her head back and howled with frenzied laughter. This had to stop! She couldn’t stand much more! Oh, why hadn’t she listened to the Chief when he recommended the suicide capsule in the hollow false tooth? Anything to end this torment!
“Freeze, all of you!” a familiar voice rang through the room. All of a sudden the horrible tickling sensations on 99's feet ceased. She panted to catch her breath, tried to blink the tears out of her eyes. When her vision cleared, she saw Siegfried, Starker, the Claw, and Xia holding their hands up. “Max!” she cried joyously. “Chief! You found me!” 99's beloved Maxwell Smart stood there holding a pistol on the KAOS agents; the Chief beside him, and about half a dozen armed agents behind them.
“Keep your hands up, Siegfried,” Max commanded. “Looks like you’ve lost again! The forces of niceness have triumphed over the forces of nastiness!”
“Bah!” Siegfried sneered. “KAOS will have us out of jail in six hours, Shmart!”
“You think so?” Max sneered back. “The new jailhouse is absolutely escape proof! Nobody can break in, nobody can break out!”
“Who was talking about breaking out?” Siegfried shrugged. “Our lawyers are the best in the business.”
“Lawyers?” Max asked, confused. “Any lawyer who would work for KAOS would have to be utterly ruthless and devoid of any moral standards!”
“That is why they are the best in the business,” Siegfried agreed.
“How did you find this prace?” the Claw demanded.
“Max figured it out,” the Chief said, with a touch of fatherly pride. “I told him the name of this place, and he figured it out from there.”
“The name?” 99 asked, still gasping for breath. “Where am I, Chief?”
“You don’t know?” Max asked. “This is the sub-basement of the new Chinese restaurant, the Dragon’s Foot.”
“It is?” 99 gaped. She had heard of the restaurant; she had been meaning to try it.
“Yes, when I suggested it to Max,” the Chief said, “he realized that Jiow is Chinese for ‘foot’, so it was a likely hideout for KAOS’ female torturer.”
“Max, that was brilliant!” 99 beamed. She was so taken with her beloved Agent 86!
“Okay, boys, let’s get the prisoners out of here,” the Chief said, motioning with his gun. The agents began rounding up the prisoners and marching them out.
“I’ll set 99 free, Chief,” Max said. “We’ll join you in a minute.”
“Okay, Max,” the Chief said. “Get going, you!” This to Siegfried, who hung back to give Max a withering stare.
When all the prisoners and CONTROL agents were gone, Max bent down on one knee to look 99 in the face. “You gave me quite a scare, 99,” he said. “I was afraid I’d lost you.”
“Oh, Max,” 99 swooned, deeply touched by his concern.
“So, before I let you out, maybe I’d better teach you not to scare me like that.”
99 blinked, astonished at Max’s words. “Max? What do you mean? Oh, Max, no! G-get away from my feet! Max, don’t! MAAAAAAAAX!!”
THE END
