That’s right bitches I’m BACK!
Just when you were getting over NEST-drop, here I come to bring you back down! I know that a bunch of superb post-NEST threads have been posted in the three days it took to write this, and I didn’t intend to write a long-winded NEST thread that’s three pages long and monopolizes the entire gratitude fest…but I WILL! Goddamn, usually you can say that it never gets better than your first time (e.g. heroin), but sheeeit, if the fun level increases exponentially year after year like this, I’ll be dead of a coronary by my 5th year. But I can die with a smile on mah face, without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me. Now this a hyar story I’m about ta unfold took place just about 5 days ago…
Chaneda’s Mean Streets
I get off my late plane and head towards my second hurdle: getting my ride to come to me. Chaneda was kind enough the day before to gimme his cell phone number to hitch up a ride. So I make a long-distance call from a pay phone to contact him and hope he isn’t too far away from the airport to swing around. Of course where else would he be but JUST AROUND THE CORNER IN THE VERY BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA I’M IN! Not only that, he’s there with ASU, …some guy, and (gasp!) The Enny! I creep up behind them in the least subtle cartoon-sneaking walks (which surprisingly worked) and jumped on ASU’s back, grabbing his neck: “Quick! Get the spears! I can’t hold it!” After which we all trudged back to C level (humidity is foreign to this dry climate dweller), and piled into the car: Chaneda driving, ASU riding shotgun, and me, Enny and RUI! in the backseat. While this type of sandwich proposal would normally spell trouble for Enny, we spent most of the time trying to pronounce Rui’s name properly—at first I was introduced to him as “This is the guy from Portugal” to which I replied “That’s his name? ‘Guy from Portugal?”—until I steered us wrong when I was distracted by a 2-story porn shoppe across the freeway and yelled out “Two-tier porn store!” We all started making jokes and then…missed the bridge we were supposed to take. So we actually had to get off the freeway and into…ground-level streets of Philadelphia. I don’t care what The Boss says about “Streets of Philadelphia”, he sure as shit didn’t sing about WALKING them himself. While getting turned around on countless one-way parking lanes (the streets were apparently built for buggies originally and no longer serve any aspect of modern travel), we couldn’t stop ourselves from screaming (with inside voices) at the complete recklessness of local pedestrians, who make a sport of apparently walking through busy traffic with no expectation of getting struck. After about 20 minutes of this, I donned my Crocodile Hunter impression and started gooning: “Waylcum t’ Shanaydah’s Uhbahn Safari! ‘Is iz tha show wheh wee geh aroun’ and moike fuhn ah the local populace! ‘Ese poor craychah’s hyah haf leeved in this hostile envoirnmynt for cenchoorees, and haf comPLEETLEY lost all pereeferal veezion, which makes theem vuln’rabble to prehdaturs! Crikey! Lookit ‘ow they’ve puhfektly adapted to their nahtif surrowndangs!” I then suggested we do that all over America with me narrating from the sunroof like all African Discovery Channel shows.
After we got on track, all there was to do besides make small pokes at Enny was to wonder how Mapquest defined Nearly Right in its instructions.
The Kidnapping of Mairead & The Bleeding of Crystal Light’s Toe
I was not here for this. Although I did run into Snail Shell in full Navy SEAL regalia and tool belt afterwards. “I came prePARED.” The thousand-yard stare he had on his face said it still wasn’t enough, lol.
2x4: MTP Jeff & LeeAllure vs. Irishgirl5, AnnieHall, Crystal Light & BrightyEyes1082
I was also not here for this. AMN ANGRY! AMN SMASH!
Kicking Avenger in the Ass (The Home Game for the whole family)
Avenger 314 and I both broke our cherries at NEST last year…that’s disgusting. But I told you that to tell you this. One of the most valued positions of trust a NESTee can attain, even beyond Dungeon Master is that of a designated kidnapper: a long-coveted exclusive position reserved only for those of unquestionable character and responsibility; something too advanced for a mere newbie. So who gets asked to participate in the Kidnapping of IrishGirl5 last year, but AVENGER! I both admired and despised him for that, and on podcast vowed to kick his ass for his luck. So what did I do when I met him and his lovely lil beau aylajane15 in the lobby of the hotel? I swung my leg around myself and kicked him in the ass, just like I said I would. He then pushed me into the lobby couch, so I got over it. Until he got asked to kidnap Kjiron later Sunday afternoon, after which I have vowed to throw lawn darts at his ass next year. Yes, Kjiron’s a guy, but it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing!
One of these years, the hardworking folks at NEST Team will lose their civil natures and physically bludgeon the hotel owners into reserving entire blocks of rooms for us, but until then, we have to be content with arrangements like ours, spread out amongst 4 blocks arranged in an oblong square enclosing a courtyard. The courtyard became the central meeting place for everyone to connect to whatever was going on. It was here that I met Bride of Dracula after a year’s hiatus and I quickly found the awesome neo-Wiccan discussing comic books with JARRATT! The Canadian hypnotist was discussing the finer points of comic book evolution and when I joined in, the geek mana in the yard developed an eerie supernatural glow. After realizing that she and I had an affinity for The Bondage Fairies, the greatest X-rated manga of all-time, she decided she had had enough: “I’m all geeked out. I haven’t had enough sex to recharge my batteries for this yet.”
The evening concluded with a gathering of lads and lassies in the lounge, where pizza was served in copious quantities.
SATURDAY’S SCHEDULE: SHENANIGANS
Wa-Wa-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa/PUSSYFOOT!
The Saturday morning search for a ride to the local Wa Wa has been a NEST tradition ever since the TSA decided to protect airline passengers from the temptation of seizing a plane with disposable razors; we all remember the tragedy that befell Myron Milquetoast Milford when he diverted a 747 to Belfast in 2005 by holding a bottle of Listerine over the pilot’s head, and we certainly don’t want the responsibility of carrying a mini-roll of Right Guard to send us down the same path. During breakfast in the hotel cafeteria, everybody sent out feelers to find a ride, and I found mine in ViperGTS; at the same time, Mairead and Crystal desperately needed cigarettes, so off we went in Viper’s ride down the labyrinthine streets of New Jersey. The Wa Wa was busy so I grabbed chips and crackers and soda while the others scampered off to the car and drove off without me. As if I wouldn’t notice! HA! HA! As they came back around, grinning ear to ear, I Randalled my way out (as per Crystal’s request) and we drove back, but first we passed another one of Jersey’s charmingly dilapidated adult novelty stores. Inevitably the subject of porn came up (as it often does when I’m around) and somehow feet got into the mix. Viper mentioned a little item he found on the internet that was a prosthetic foot with a foam vagina built into the sole, a revelation that caused the Glimmer Twins in the back to groan hard enough to nearly wretch up the nicotine they were trying to inhale. The devil inside me—not that there’s much else, mind you—spun around and suggested to the podiatrically-challenged Amazon behind me to risk any and all peace of mind she still retained on the forum by taunting the foot fetish crowd with a proposal: to create a thread that said “Okay, okay, here’s a picture of my feet you guys!” with a photograph of said novelty item (“PUSSYFOOT” as Crystal put it) in place. My hope was that the shock would incapacitate the persistent crowds indefinitely, but to no avail. Viper yelled at us to be quiet when he got a work call, but aside from that, it was a hilarious trip. In the end, we coined a new phrase for NEST: PUSSYFOOT.
Libertine & Kitten Toes/Pinky & The Brain’s Rope Bondage 101&201
You can’t have NEST without a bondage class or 2 or 3 or 4; it may come in useful when you come across a ‘lee with the lower body strength of the Budweiser Clydesdale Team. With the ceaseless and selfless efforts of our wonderful LeeAllure, master rope bondage artisan Craig Nelson and his adorable test subject Pinky Lee (who may or may not be the same Pinky Lee from Joanna’s Angels 2: Alt.Throttle) agreed to lay his vast knowledge upon we unworthy many so that we may one day dream of bestowing the enlightening touch of erotic genius upon some un/fortunate subject someday. The venue provided some interesting overlap this year as the classes, which are usually dispersed over multiple rooms, were allowed to run concurrently in the same room with its natural architecture acting as the dividers. This posed problems for some as it was difficult to decide which class to observe. I tried watching two at once and only absorbed ½ of both much to my consternation. Thankfully, Craig has accepted an invitation to return next year and hopefully I can rectify my terrible error. I did catch the end of the class where the hands-on education was wrapping up: Lee and Craig had managed to hogtie Pinky, Corry, TickleEmperor (the ultimate Rob), and Fish on the floor. It didn’t take long for Lee to make sport of the helpless Halfling, and inspire the others to attack their own projects as well. In a classic moment, Fish gave TickleEmperor a belly raspberry that didn’t do much for Rob but brought the rest of the group to its knees laughing. Finally, someone who was willing to go nearly as far as I was for a joke.
Now, there was no way in hell I was going to miss the Libertine/KittenToes Intro to Bondage class; last year I watched the master thespian turn a bunch of grown people into a kindergarten class with his amazingly simple explanations of how to build a $50 bondage travel kit at Home Depot. The crowning jewel of the event was his patented “How NOT to tie up a girl” demonstration, which damn near killed me. So I sat in on this class just twitching and jittering waiting for that part of the demo, and also to remember what I had written down but not committed to memory yet. Normally I wouldn’t describe it so that newbies get a chance to see it, but now that other posts have revealed it, I might as well as…well. After describing the basics and how they work, now came the part of the lecture where he described how to keep your excitement in when propositioning a girl for the opportunity to tie her up; basically how NOT to react. So with Kitten acting as the hapless girl who says “Yes” to the stuttering guy doing the asking, Libertine pauses…and utters: “Oh fuck.” And then proceeds to re-enact the arrival of Hurricane Hugo while getting wrapped up in his own ropes and essentially hogtying himself instead of the girl, who shakes her head and wanders off. “Hey! Where are you going?!”
One final great moment from the lecture entailed the exposition of bondage tape, an self-adhering fabric tape that can be used for restraint. While demonstrating its variant uses, Libertine placed his hand on his hip, struck a pose, and with the best lisp I’ve heard in a while said: “Ladies, it also workth ath a fathion thtatement-” when suddenly, from the back in the Communications lecture came a voice, directed at Libertine: “We can hear your voice! We can hear your voice back here and we don’t need to!” It was LeeAllure, and she just pwned him. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH…Oh it was ON now. Two of the most powerful dominants in the entire community just clashed head to head as one called the other out. Oh I was waiting for some brilliant Royal Shakespeare Company Oscar Wilde-level comeback to precede a massive DragonBall Z Superpower Smackdown with fireballs and lightning bolts to break out right then and there in the hotel and systematically level most of New Jersey-…but it didn’t. Libertine shrugged it off with his trademark smirk and chuckle and went back to his demonstration. Rarely have I been so unhappy to see such potential carnage go untapped.
Enny Spins Right Round (Like A Record Baby)
Either Jeff for ASU discovered that when you get Enny early in the weekend and get a good hold of her hips, the work you put into it is proportional to the centripetal force she exerts in her attempt to reach escape velocity. All you have to do is lift your feet and rest on your heels, and she spins you around like one of those millstone donkeys in movies that take place in Mexico. I still get a kick out of watching Jeff laugh like a little boy at Disneyland as the curlicued cutie took for a literal spin. Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops…who gives a fuck? She’s laughin’!
The Embryo & The Fetus
For years now, our resident super-brat Mairead has been known as the embryo on account of she’s a few decades behind us Oldy Oldsons. Well, finally, she was no longer the youngest one at NEST; that title was reserved for Lily, but also for her hetero life mate Crystal Light, who is the Jay to her not-so-Silent Bob. I think that I can safely say that I coined a new nickname for Crystal: The Fetus. But this term was more accurate than anything else. As I had occasion to witness some of the 5,000 attacks that Jeff inflicted on Crystal during the weekend, almost every one of them reduced the spry little novice to a curled up ball of ‘lee that Jeff cradled nurturingly in his arms while stroking her hair; I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually passed out. Anyone laying eyes on this event would notice the resemblance between this exhausted ‘lee and an ultrasound, so I commented that she looked like a fetus. Then I remembered how Mairead is the Embryo. Since the two are sisters from the same mister, I figured it was a fitting sibling term and I have thus dubbed the two Embryo & Fetus, and hope to have a sitcom based on their exaggerated exploits in production this summer on NBC.
AnnieHall and Crystal Light bookends will be available soon, lol.
The Arm of Futility (a.k.a. The Family Guy Trivia Game)
For weeks prior to NEST, LeeAllure’s private joytoy BrightEyes, had been plotting ceaselessly to dedicate an entire evening of afterplay to the Family Guy trivia game, to which she had become addicted. What was to be the pinnacle event of the evening was largely distracted due to the abundance of exuberance and available victims. To begin with, the teams had not been equitably drawn, the exultant revelers too consumed by their jubilation to KEEP QUIET FOR THE RULES, and BrightEyes spent more time trying to get me to do “I hate you Billay” (a la Grim) to even pay attention to when it was her turn. Eventually, we lost the Red team altogether (which consisted entirely of TickleEmperor) and our host Captain Bender had to step in. This wasn’t unusual, as people kept coming and going: Kered, Big John, Bella, the Venrays, TickleEmperor, etc. The group began to expand until the Deviant Duo of Mairead and Crystal Light walked in, and from there the lure of girlflesh quickly overcame any cohesion the group possessed. It did not help that BrightEyes became drunk on her own obnoxiousness to the point where no one of any decent upbringing could stand idly by without punishing her; thank you Snail Shell. As soon as the last group settled in and everybody was fixed for the evening, all that was required was for Crystal Light to behave herself for the remainder of the game. Of course, as everybody in the last 2 months has divined, such a feat is impossible for the little blonde brat. Thankfully, her choice of chair—Jeff’s lap—also served as the discipline seat. Sure enough, we lost Jeff as he took to turning her ribs into a xylophone that produced some of the most alluring and cackly music that only a group such as us can appreciate. And Crystal gets really kicky and thrashy and loud when she gets tickled, so it’s necessary for whoever the (lucky fucking) torturer is to apply ADDITIONAL tickling intensity so as to facilitate the cataplexy necessary to paralyze her for the duration of her punishment…and then to keep going. The trade off is that the less she can move, the louder she laughs and the more she protests, so as I’m sitting trying to listen to questions, I’m also looking next to me and watching this nearly disembodied head lilt from side to side laughing harder than Witch Hazel from Looney Tunes. At one point, her head was thrown so far back and her mouth so wide open that I peered into it and remarked “You need to get that cavity checked.” Jeff himself laughed so hard he almost dropped her.
Mairead, in the meantime, had plopped down on the floor next to ASUTickler in her Lumberjacket (see RANDOM MOMENTS) and a raspberry lollipop. At some point during Crystal’s seemingly endless torment under Jeff’s skilled hands (the 4th of such public displays that day alone), Big John decided to get involved, and as we all know, when Big John gets his hands in there…well, as the song says: “I can’t do nothin’ for you man.” Her divine, Crystal-shattering shrieks must have provided divine inspiration for ASU because shortly thereafter, he decided to take Mairead under his wing; or to be more precise, to take her over his lap and get under HER wing. And neck. And Lumberjacket (i.e. belly). As momentous an occasion as that of watching a rhinoceros subdue a giant, it was just as amusing watching him juggle her and trying to pry her lollipop from her agonized grip. Her right arm was pinned beneath her, but ASU held her left one in his hand (at one point, he used her entire body to simulate an impression of Jimi Hendrix. I urged him not to set her on fire, although the color of her face indicated that he already had), and this is where the title of this section derives its name. In spite of her growls and flinches (which were to be expected), I’ve never seen anyone struggle LESS to get away from such impugn torment. There was only one part of her body, aside from the occasional “squicking” (“squirm” + “kick” = “squick”) of her legs, that even attempted to resist: her left forearm in ASU’s grip. As she suffered, it flapped helplessly and uselessly about, swatting blindly at invisible flies in a vain attempt to strike back at him. It was quite…FUTILE, you might say. I pointed to it and said to Jeff: “Hey check it out. It’s the Arm of Futility.” For the second time, Jeff almost lost control and said “I LOVE that!” Therefore and henceforth, ergo and etcetera, from this day forth, any and all completely ineffectual flapping arm movements from the elbow down on a struggling ‘lee shall be referred to as The Arm of Futility.
Thank you, I coin phrases for nickels.
THE HALLWAY PARTY
After the Family Guy game ended and the room party degenerated into an assault on all ‘lees—not that anyone was complaining, mind you—and the momentum generated by the event spilled over into the last remaining “party” scheduled for the evening: an open house in 153, Jamie’s room. What was originally intended to be a simple room party to give everyone a chance to mingle and whet our appetites for the next day expanded into an internal block party that took up the entire hallway of the first floor of the building for until the wee hours of the morn.
Woe to anybody who hails from a country with a manageable population, a working health care system, and a culture free of jingoistic virtues: we Americans will make fun of you. That was the case with the Canadian Carpool, a team of 4 Canadians who travelled from Toronto to be at NEST that weekend and whether the slings and arrows of well-intentioned jabs at cultural difference while waiting for the big day: Snail Shell, TickleEmperor, Captain Bender and the gentle giant, hypnosis practitioner Jarrat (a.k.a “The Voice” that made Crystal Light scorch her shorts), whose brain I relentlessly picked over comic books and social evolution; he and Andy and I had a lengthy conversation postulating the direction of fetish/BDSM communities over time periods of varying length. But it wasn’t all cerebral exercises and C-Span-ish contemplation. Oh no.
The one thing we could count on when Jamie’s around: someone’s goin’ down. And in this case, it was a virtual repeat of the event last year when he set his sights on our beloved little irishgirl5, and, just like last year, he brought her to the ground cackling like a banshee. With his powerful Iron-Tiger Claw Technique, he made jelly out of her ribs and belly with such success that it was hard to tell if it was the force of his gait or the intensity of her laugh that made her shake so hard, but regardless, his skill was apparent; the beaming beauty placed her hands on his wrists in a vain effort to stop him, but in the end, she was still reduced to a jiggling puddle of squealing euphoria on the floor. As is the second part of his trademark, Jamie got in close and whispered ridiculous baby-speak gibberish in her ear, which turned her from a jiggler in to a flailer with the mouth of a very happy sailor. And true to form, as what happens when lil’ Irish gets the getting, she went into a flurry of furious clapping ( I counted 4 separate occasions), proving Dane Cook wrong by showing that you can by round of applause, how you feel.
I also have to mention that around this time I met someone who was a newbie to NEST, but no stranger to the TMF: the lovely, likeable and lascivious-thought-inducing Tamia78. With a smile permanently ingrained on her face, she introduced herself to me as the woman “who was always ignored by that snotty Amnesiac.” I in turn, tried to defend my honor—and hers—by stating that my reluctance to talk to her was out of respect for the lady ‘lees of the community by keeping my distance and allowing them their space. She responded to my summation with “Uh-huh. Snotty.” Not only an propitiator of baseless accusations, she also withheld permission to be tickled for as long as possible for the maximum teasing effect. I was seriously considering revoking my “Be Nice to Newbies” protocol for the one occasion of disciplining the little luscious ‘lee, and unfortunately my busy post-NEST schedule not only kept me from playing with her, but also Classy as well (who has been cruising for a bruising 3 years running now). But oh…next year, she’ll be no newbie, and NEXT year I plan to do things to her that haven’t even been given proper names yet. I’ve tried my hand at inventing a few of them: “screamara,” “wriggledang” and “zerbertium” to name a few.
The Monty Python Hoedown
The lovely—I’m sorry—the WUVWY widdle ‘wee IwishGiwl (a.k.a. Meg) was in attendance at the party, and while downing a Heineken indicated that she was a Monty Python fanatic, and had all the songs downloaded, and even began singing a few lines of a few of them, “Every Sperm is Sacred” being one of her favorites. Over-excited, I asked if she knew the Philosopher Song, to which she eventually replied that she didn’t know it. Undaunted, and completely unable to purge the terminally catchy tune from my brain, I walked across the hallway to ask if anybody else knew it. By this point, the hallway self-segregated into 2 distinct groups of hallway lingerers, with Avenger & aylajade15, Alchemy, Kijiron, TickleEmperor, and others on one side, and Meg, Jamie, ConcreteMan and Ice Princess (to name a few) on the other. When I lamented that none of them knew the Philosopher Song, they inevitably asked how it went. Just as I started the first bar, Captain Bender started in with me and for the next 46 seconds (short song) we recited word for word in exact time the lyrics of the Philosopher Song. Because of the tune’s catchy nature, it inspired Tamia78 and TickleEmperor to link arms and dance in a hoedown circle to it until we finished. From there, Avenger and BaldAdonis took to a rendition of “Schadenfreude” that was equally impeccable. And from there…well, the hallway party was just getting started.
I still had time to settle a year-old score with a very receptive ‘lee: tickleshotel. With the aid of Kjiron and Gigglemakr as alternators, I whipped out my trusty Sonicare and went straight for her lightning rod feet. The best thing about tickleshotel is that she never really seems to tire (or fight back) and after about 5 minutes, she hadn’t lost a shred of sensitivity. I also found something new about her: as sensitive as her soles and toes are, her heels were as sensitive as Irishgirl’s neck or lite’s sides. So I practically drained the newly freshed battery on this particular area until the last of the stragglers were filing out. And that was where things got even more interesting.
The Lily of the Playing Field
And though the evening was now over and my eyes were practically bleeding from their sockets with fatigue (the next morning was UNSPEAKABLY hard to wake up to in spite of the excitement), Rui, Adrian, Jamie, KittenToes and I made the acquaintance of Viper’s bespectacled model Lily. I met her earlier in the day when she arrived where Viper showed me how to pull her hair properly, which I did. Several times. Brains, brawn, beauty and one hell of a libido all in one teeny, tiny, very limber package was at my fingertips held together by mere roots. When done right, a good hair pull sends her on her tiptoes and her mouth gaping orgasmically open. Which was cool for me; normally I can’t get a girl wet with a firehose and here I am driving another one half crazy with a small tug. So seeing her again in her pink jammies while we mingled half-dead in the hallway was a welcome substitute for no-doze. Jamie took advantage of her open-mindedness—or naivete, whichever you prefer—to test out her feet and ribs. Later, as he got ready for bed, she and KittenToes duked it out in a friendly Battle of the Splitz, which she played well, but the living elastic band that is KittenToes eventually won (my nuts STILL hurt thinking about that). A sleepy Libertine emerged from his room to observe the event and Kitten parted our company where we spent an hour going over the amazing details of her life (which are too numerous to mention here) that made me feel like the laziest son of a bitch ever born. As Adrian massaged her feet the entire time, she regaled us with inside voice-level songs. It was hard to tell who was more enrapt by this siren: me or Rui because if our eyes had been any more glazed with amazement, we’d have cataracts.
The final piece of the evening came in the form of two non-NEST guests: a blonde woman and her boyfriend Malik, a man who was in dire, dire need of a drink and when he suspected we had a cooler full of beer, quietly but persistently attempted to acquire one, despite his girlfriend’s fulcrum resistance of yanking on his arm. An awkward moment, but not a dangerous one, and actually quite humorous upon reflection.
WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME: THE MAIN EVENT
Well it was that time again! The day of the main event and the caravan was ready and rarin’ ta go at 11:00. So after I get all gussied up and pack up my gear, I head downstairs and I find…a near empty lobby. Apparently the 10:30 call for volunteers wasn’t just for the volunteers setting things up, it was also when everybody else took off. Stranded without a ride, I found Bride of Dracula and Greg, as well as Capnmad and Christina sitting around and got a ride with them. Bride seemed to be a well-travelled couple so I went with them while Capnmad followed. We stopped at a WaWa where I asked them to buy me a box of chocolate doughnuts that I forgot to buy myself the day before. Everything went fine until we hit the toll booths where we quickly discovered that Bride had E-Z Pass, but Capn didn’t, forcing us to travel through two different lanes on a very busy stretch of interstate. As a result, we got separated and had to phantom navigate him and ourselves to get to the venue. Unfortunately, we got lost ourselves, and the winding roads so pervasive to Jersey geography made me regret leaving my Dramamine at the hotel; sure enough I got quite carsick and when we arrived at the venue, I knew I was gonna puke. I walked in to make a bee-line for the restroom only to get swamped by a horde of people who were very excited to see me and wondered where the hell I had been: apparently the first hour at the event were a bit dull without a colorful eccentric to break the ice. Wonderful: the one time I have a whole room full of people happy to see me and I have to push right past them to get sick. Well, after dumping my coat and bag and then the contents of my stomach, I ventured out into the club where Jeff rushed me with a bottle of Schweppes which started to do wonders inside of 15 minutes, just like he said.
THANKS JEFF!
The Pirates of Philadelphia (The Kidnapping of Necia)
As I was wandering around trying to find my gear and find what trouble I could cause, Lee comes bursting out of the back room and apparently out of her corset (BOOBS!) in full faux pirate regalia. “Can’t talk now” she said rapidly as she hasted off to the center of the room. Only one thing could command Lee’s attention so thoroughly and demand stringent cosplay: SOMEBODY’S GETTIN’ KIDNAPPED! From the outside doors comes pouring in a stream of pirates: Jack “Alchemy” Sparrow (in fully handmade outfit), Mistress KittenToes (looking like Kate Beckinsdale from Van Helsing), and AffectionateDan, all led by a red and black-dreadlock sporting Libertine complete with whip and pirate boots. And who should be the (un)fortunate victim of this campaign of terror? Necia/Spotlady of course! Fully grabbed and restrained on the display table for all to see, this team of Central Casting pirates had a very pressing demand: that Spotlady reveal to them vital information: THE SECRET EGG-SALAD RECIPE she had memorized (don’t you love a random What’s Up Tiger Lily reference?)! Apparently, these pirates have been stuck in a dietary rut and as Cap’n Libertine put it: “We’re sick of eatin’ quiche!” Necia was apparently a tough bird as it took a whole 8 minutes to get her to give a CORRECT ingredient in the recipe, and in this down time, Cap’n Libertine took it upon himself to saunter around the table: “And now, I shall swagger a bit!” Finally, Necia decided to cooperate fully and gave up the recipe to First Mate KittenToes, who scribbled the ingredients on her belly in invisible ink with a quill. When the recipe was complete, Libertine broke out in a celebratory song: a rendition courtesy of Frankie Valli. I don’t even know what the hell he was singing because I couldn’t hear him over my own laughter; I practically fell on the floor and dropping my Schweppes hearing this burly dom sing falsetto. I’m pretty sure everybody else around was listening and wondering “is there a fucking hyena in here or somethin’?” And just as they set about to release the reluctantly free captive, they concluded the scene with a parting philosophy about what it takes to be a pirate: “We’re pirates because we….ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”
The Lost Podcast/IrishGirl screaming
It was a great idea: launch a podcast from NEST where those unlucky many who couldn’t attend could get a taste of the festivities. Hosted in the back by Crystal Light and Mairead during the raffle with Viper co-hosting, they brought their traditional comedic touch from hundreds of miles from their familiar stomping grounds. Venray ran into me and told me I was welcome back there to add a touch, so I did, and the hits just kept on coming as guests from the NEST over came in in force: Venraya, Alchemy, AffectionateDan, and of course, BrightEyes and LeeAllure, who decided that I would make a good stool and made themselves at home on my lap. Not one to be subdued, I used my skills at pantomime to gesture to Alchemy that I’d pay him $5 to take my Sonicare and run it down her exposed back. Well, sure enough, he took that brush, placed it over her back and turned it on where I was greeted with a lovely little jump from the Unflappable One. I paid the man what I owed him. During the show, the controlled chaos was disrupted by an ear-splitting scream that permeated the entire complex: somebody was getting the super-deluxe treatment. As you all know, strange and sudden technical difficulties cut the transmission off and the Podcast was lost, and since it’s been deleted, now forever. With nothing else to do, I went back out to the floor and saw the source of the scream: ITTY BITTY IWISHGUWL! Strapped to a table and being worked over by the Man with the Hands: Jamie. As soon as I was allowed to join in, I whipped out the Sonciare and placed the buzzing buddy in the crook of her neck, and just like last year, elicited the world’s cutest and most agonized neck crunch along with a barrage of “Fuck!”s “Shit!”s and other S.A.M.isms. I am continually amazed at irishgirl as the pint size punishment pincushion squirms and thrashes and laughs until she damn near hyperventilates and her face turns to the shade of an overripe tomato and she still manages to cuss and say “I don’t remember my safeword.”; it didn’t help of course that Jamie kept changing it. I was sweating just LOOKING at her (not uncommon, but this time for a different reason), and finally we brought two cold wet rags and placed them over her head and chest to cool her down. She’s such a fucking trooper that you almost feel bad for inflicting such suffering on her. ALMOST.
The Distraction Game
Down at NEST, we like to create the illusion of SOME organization—we’re not all about random spontaneous chaotic tickle-torture—so the central event at the venue was the holding of ordered tickle-torture in the form of something that we call The Distraction Game (est. 2007). With 2 teams divided by gender—as God intended—calling themselves The Brotherhood (boys) and The Sisterhood (girls…and maybe 1 or 2 guys, but we won’t go there) standing on the main pole stage, they all agreed to answer a set of questions in the pursuit of prizes provided you can answer them while being tortured by the hands of ticklers from the other team. It started out fairly good for the guys (who consisted of Avenger, Milagros, Gigglemakr, TickleEmperor, Baldadonis and others), who managed to stand up fairly well to the girls (Classy, aylajade15, IcePrincess, irishgirl, Lily, to name a few) until the girls put forth their most resilient ‘lees first and got ahead, thanks in large part to Lily’s telling the alphabet backwards (sure, give the girl with the glasses that question, she won’t answer it!). The guys tried to take it back, but who did they bring up to bat? Baldadonis. When he came up I KNEW the guys were screwed; ladies, if you ever want a little F/M action, this guy is your best bet because he cracks easier than a Faberge egg in an elephant stampede. His question: Name the 7 Dwarves. His answer: “Sleepy! Dopey! FUCK! Uh…Stupid!” and I can’t even describe the rest it was simply too futile to watch. Earlier in the day, Lily had just been initiated into ‘lerdom with a session and apparently took to it like a fish to water because when she rolled up on a victim in her ABBA suit (which you’ll see on the NEST video), she had the “You’re mine now, bitch” stare down to a science; she OWNED that stage on her turn. Classy has managed to stick to the back of the Sisterhood, until Maximilian suggested (into the microphone of course) that she should have a turn. She tried to deny that, so the room broke out in a chant of “CLAS-SY! CLAS-SY! CLAS-SY!” that prompted her onto the pole. In the end, the Sisterhood won and took home the prize, although to this day I don’t know what the prize was. Nor do I care, that was a hell of a show.
Bella Broke My Tooth!...brush.
When Lite went into a bondage chair, I lept into action (damn near broke my hip doing that too, dammit) with who else?...my trusty Sonicare! In spite of the fact that, like Tickleshotel, she doesn’t move her foot much when you take a brush to it, her tongue is not as lethargic: “IT’S THAT GODDAMN TOOTHBRUSH! FUCK!” 10 minutes wasn’t enough to suit my taste, but I eventually had to hand it over to drew70 because I spotted trouble on the horizon: Avenger had Bell on the couch and was trying to tackle her singlehandedly. That’s right, I said “tackle” because trying to get Bella without the bondage is a contact sport. Knowing how foolish the poor boy was, I ran to his side to help. The scene was a melee of mochalicious madness: half the time was spent trying to avoid her flailing Bruce Lee arms, and the other half was spent trying to restrain her legs and keep her skirt down. Even Master Jamie came over, but was so successful at whispering tickling gibberish babbles into her ears that even his massive Artie the Strongest Man in the World strength couldn’t hold her. I for one had had enough of her insubordination and stepped in to offer my aid: having worked over Bella myself in private, I knew her worst spot: the belly button. With trusty Sonicare in hand, I placed my buzzy buddy in the softest spot (after making sure they held her arms down), and the rest is kind of a blur of pain stars. With the loudest girl squeal I’ve ever heard, she threw her 4 captors aside and with the force and speed of an F5 tornado grabbed my Sonicare and I tried to wrest it away with both hands. Now, I have never ridden a rodeo bull…but now I know why. I was perhaps the only person at NEST who ragdolled tickling-free. You might ask “why the hell didn’t you let go?” Cause that was a $54 goddamn toothbrush, and I was protecting my investment! It didn’t matter anyway because after she flung me off like a guy on Tekken 3 who doesn’t know how to do the combos right, she threw the toothbrush over the back of the couch and broke it. I ran over to pick up my trusty friend and found that the only thing broken was the head of the brush; the unit still worked. Most people would have held a grudge, but you can’t stay mad at Mama B. and that’s kinda what I get for trying to do what I tried to stop Avenger from doing. In the end, the blindfolded sprite said “This is usually why people tie me down.” In the middle of the ice-cube aftercare that is apparently my specialty, the Distraction Game began and I turned it over to the very capable hands of DVNC.
Video Killed the Tickling Star
I bought a little HD camcorder a few months back and brought it with the intent of shooting interviews for my NEST documentary (which didn’t happen this year), but found that I had a new audience: producers looking for a cheap way to upgrade their projects to the HD world. I had heard about the plan to shoot the first NEST tickling video this year and had hoped to negotiate my way into shooting the BTS footage, only to find out that now the producers (Viper and Jeff) wanted me to shoot the ACTUAL video! So, when the back room was slotted for the video to set up, off I went to scope the place out and set up. It was a private dancing stage, which wasn’t easy to track around, but Viper had set up his two kit lights and no sooner had I set foot on stage than something happened to me. Something that hasn’t happened since film school: my blood turned to antifreeze, my face started sweating, my body temp started rising, and I became more focused than I had been in 7 years. I was on a real set with a cast and crew and I was the Human Fucking Torch. After asking the usually unflappable Jeff (who seemed to wonder where the hell this whirlwind of fury came from) to get me some stools to provide support for 180-degree tracking shots, I ran out, doused my upper body with water and grabbed a cup of ice to press on my head every 10 minutes (so it seemed), then got to work. A crowd started to fill in to watch to scene as it was filmed and soon we were underway filming Lilly getting worked over by Lee, then KittenToes and finally Bella before we took our first cut. I then wandered around the stage shooting the participants in various stages of between takes using my vast knowledge of porn to shoot the behind-the-scenes footage (thanks Shane’s World!) which turned out to be just as amusing and fun as shooting the actual video. During setup of the first scene, one of the top-heavy lights got tipped and as it fell over to certain doom amidst the protesting panicked voices, I reached out and grabbed it just in the nick of time. Viper asked “You didn’t play baseball again because WHY?” Nobody was more surprised by that display of reflexes than me. We barely got done in time, as one of the strippers made a mach 3 exit when she stepped into the room during filming through the side door, but we shot the last scene with the saran wrap and skedaddled the fuck out in the last 10 minutes of club time we had remaining. I also got to say that we had one hell of a great audience because when we were shooting, we didn’t hear a single peep out of them; now when we STOPPED shooting, Viper had to chastise them to stop poking Lily until the shoot was over, but all in all, that was a great crowd. I won’t describe the video shoot itself because most of it has been recorded and will be viewable in its near-full entirety, but it was a blast and Jeff was absolutely amazed at the quality of what was shot, and coming from one of the original producers, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over, but in that totally Platonic way.
“Fucked Up Like Clownsex”
After the party, it was time to recharge our batteries, and I filed out late enough that I had to be the late edition on an already bursting carpool: TicklChgo’s entourage of DVNC, Libertine, KittenToes, and Bella. TickleChgo was AWESOME enough to give let me ride along, because talk about being the sixth wheel on a tricycle, I felt like the foreign exchange student in the Cool Kids Crowd. The destination was a place called Jon’s (more on that spelling later) and at first we followed Max and Jeff until they had to split up for his place first, and we were en route to the restaurant courtesy of DVNC’s GPS to guide the way. Unfortunately, Jersey’s civic roadwork is so massive in its fucked-upitude (it has more one-way streets than Paris) that it even screwed with the GPS system and led poor Chgo on a wild goose chase for the elusive 6th Street. About 30 minutes into the search I began to get carsick again, and I really have to apologize to poor Andy because I became a very ungracious guest the sicker I became (I turn into a very rude and impatient motherfucker when I get nauseous), and he put up with me, misdirection, and mortal fear as the evil Jersey God sent us into the depths of Camden, a place you don’t want to go to with anything less than a platoon of tanks and then got us winding around inside that neighborhood. I was so nauseous that I didn’t even notice how much danger we were in—reread DVNC’s mention about the guy on the street packing heat—until afterward when my head and stomach cleared. Even the unflappable DVNC became nervous and flustered, and in his anxiety uttered the hilarious phrase “This is fucked up like clownsex.” Four fruitless cell phone calls later and a wonderfully merciful tollbooth operator consultation later, we were on our way!...to the most crowded fucking streets I’ve ever seen outside of a Calcutta soccer riot. We parked about four blocks away from the restaurant and had to hoof it, with Libertine still in full costume, and as we arrived at the destination, we discovered one of the 3 main reasons for why we got lost: the search that DVNC typed in was Jon’s with an “H” and that spelling alone sent us God knows where. The meal was actually pretty good, and later we were joined by Max, Jeff, Crystal, Enny, ASU, LeeAllure, BrightEyes1082, Tamia78, and others and made a social event out of it. I myself sat in awe as the NEST super-team discussed NEST matters from back yon, like a kid hearing Santa Claus talk about his past adventures. After the dinner concluded, we walked back to the car and THIS time, we decided to follow somebody who knew the straightest line to the hotel: Necia and Spotman. And as we followed them, Andy noticed that Necia had her feet propped up on the dashboard, possibly deliberately, much to Andy’s unbearable frustration. He couldn’t take it anymore and called in to Spotman on his cellphone and said “Will you fucking DO something about that please?!” The ride back was smooth and easy and fun, and full of great conversation. I was actually pissed when we got to the hotel and had to break up.
Post-Script: On the way back to the car, we passed a bar where a young blonde woman with a green shirt and a pink purse saw us and then subtly pointed at us to her friend and I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN I fucking heard this: “*something something something* tickle fetish party…” I just about did a fucking triple take and said to Chgo “DID YOU FUCKING HEAR THAT?” Apparently nobody seriously believe that I heard what I heard, but I would’ve bet my left testicle (if it still worked) that I did. I still stand by that I did.
Who’s Your Mommy?
The relationship between LeeAllure and BrightEyes1082 has been subject to much conjecture due to the powerful hold our favorite sadist has on her, but somebody (as was regaled to me my Bella I think) had mentioned earlier that having seen the 2 of them together commented “Now I know who the mommy is.” Well, after I parted ways with the dinner crowd, I wandered into the courtyard still dragging my gear behind me to meet up with everybody. Mairead barely stifled a hearty guffaw as she saw me approach: “How come every time you show up you look like you just walked across 5 states?” So of course, I had to back up and re-enter the scene stumbling and fumbling like a dying deer gasping and panting: “Blizzards! Floods! Hurricanes! Amway Salesmen! It was horrible!” I collapsed on the fence in full character and then somebody made a humorous comment to which I responded “I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAYTIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING PERFORMANCE AND YOU’RE RUINING IT!” LOL. Lee and Viper showed up and then the discussion came about reviewing the footage I shot. Lee was also interested in cameras as I was the only one who owned an HD camera and Viper was also interested in a consultation as well.
So off we went towards a room with Lee, BrightEyes, Viper, Corry, and Kjiron and later Snail Shell congregated and spent about a good half an hour looking up cameras on various websites. Viper and Corry eventually left and Snail Shell showed up, and then things started to kick off (and I got some photos to prove it!), and even BrightEyes in her jammies didn’t save her. We attacked her on all fronts, in spite of all the squealing and protesting, some of which was familiar (“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! I DON’T WANNA!”) and some of it brand new thanks to the sheer evilness of our endeavor and when Lee started giving orders for her to lie out and take it: “I’LL GET THE MOB! I’LL GET THE MOB!” and “I’LL CALL MY DADDY! I’LL CALL MY DADDY ON YOU!” Extreme fatigue was no match for Lee’s determination to torture her little charge. Eventually, Lee pinned Snail and I pinned BrightEyes and we both went to town for a delicious yet short period. But, all good things must come to an end and Lee and BE had to return to their home and I had to get to bed (eventually), but prying a snuggling BE from Snail’s open-shirted embrace was harder than it seemed. As we walked out with Lee and BE leading the way, watching BE walking hand in hand with Lee wearing jammies and a backpack, I thought to myself: “Yeah, now I DO know who the mommy is.”
I returned to the courtyard where I hung out with DVNC, Bella, Enny, Mairead, AffectionateDan, Alchemy, Gabe, and Icycle where I witnessed Bella and Enny working over (guess who?) Mairead, and later the “fucked up juice” comment. But most deliciously of all, I also witnessed Bella converging on Enny. Now, what you have to understand is that Enny’s armpits are a radioactive-no-no spot; absolutely unbearably ticklish. Yet, in that magical way that only Bella can muster, DVNC, ASU held Enny’s arms apart and BELLA…strutting up in that way she does when she has a helpless girl in her crosshairs (as you can see on the NEST video coming soon!)…leans in…and starts…NIBBLING on Enny’s armpits. The sheer shriekitude alone was enough to put a dent in Mairead’s tough demeanor and replace it with the “Jesus Fucking Christ Eyes”. DVNC looked at her and said with a smile “You’re next.” Mairead quickly countered with the biggest “unh-unh” head shake she could muster.
MONDAY
Breakfast of Champeens
Well, now comes the truly final moment of NEST, the one that truly says it’s over: Monday breakfast. This time, I was on time and rode in the MTPJeff Playermobile with Mairead, Crystal, and DVNC to the diner. Everybody arrived en masse and took up seats; I sat with Avenger, Chaneda, and aylajade15 as we waited for the wait staff to take our orders. Not to be a nesting Nancy, Lee got up and went from table to table asking everyone how their weekend went and what they’d like to see happen next year. What a trooper. Then, while everyone waited for the food to arrive, various folks from all over stood up and started taking pictures (look what I started eh?). Now, Avenger had been nursing a cough through the weekend and now added to his troubles was a sore spot in his flank courtesy of the flailing Bella at the event. I said something apparently so funny it sent him into a gelt of laughter that was as hard as any I’d heard coming off of Crystal or irishgirl and he had trouble breathing. So what did I do? I kept going. I stood up during his outrageous outburst and yelled out: “Rectum? Damn near killed him!” the worst punchline to the world’s oldest sex joke, giving it a worthy context. Unfortunately I can’t for the life of me remember what else I said that kept the joke going as it was all improvisational. But this kept up for an additional minute before finally he called out in a pained gasp “RED! RED!” And there was much table banging and rejoicing, as well as bizarre stares from the other guests at the other tables.
The Great TickleChgo once again nabbed the check to thunderous applause (I had at least hoped to get the tip), and soon we all got up to leave. This is the hardest part because not all of us are going back to the hotel, so this actually was goodbye for many of us until next year. Tickleshotel was the first one I saw with full eyes, so I gave her a hug and then turned her over to Snail (I think) for another. Enny was nearly bawling and was quickly surrounded by a group of attendees. As we all gathered outside, Lee stepped up and stood on the elevated cement walk and corralled us all together for a group photo, possibly the first one in NEST history. Awesome!
Voyeurs, Victims, & The Last HaHa
Hitching a ride back in the same Playermobile, we rode back to the hotel and then checked out of our respective rooms. We then mingled in the courtyard and shot the breeze while the masochistic Enny sat on Jeff’s lap. Eventually, shenanigans ensued as Jeff tossed Enny into ASU’s arms and he lifted her over his head while Jeff went to town on her ribs. Afterwards, ASU turned his room over to Libertine so they could stash their stuff in there until they left in the evening, and that’s when we (Viper, Jeff, Crystal, Mairead, Corry, Me, ASU, Enny, TicklerBart, later Libertine and KittenToes) all congregated to view the video footage I shot. I broke out my laptop and Viper beat the hell out of Vista to make it work. It first looked as though we’d have to watch it on the LCD screen until I remembered that I had Premiere Pro 2.0 installed, and then we opened it and watched it through there. Jeff was nearly salivating at what he saw and there was much complimenting. The video inspired running commentary and talk about how much money the clips4sale owner is making (lol). Well, after that, KittenToes loaded a foot video from the internet she did, much to our amusement and Crystal and Mairead’s surprise. Then, Libertine whipped out a DVD of his demo reel and I practically tore his arm off getting it into the DVD player. Libertine mainstream video footage? Hilarious? Possibly. Dramatic? Mebbe. Awesome? Hellz yeah. I’m still waiting for my copy of that reel Libertine. I WANNIT!
What else is there to do after video awesomeness? PLAY of course! And the subject of victimhood waaaaaas: Mairead. ASU and Enny mounted her and wrapped her legs and found something interesting under her pant legs: FEET! Apparently she was hiding a set the entire time! Now I finally got to see full-on Mairead attack, and IT. WAS. AWESOME. Mairead has the LEAST effective deterrents to being attacked; in fact, when she tries, it invites even MORE punishment. Enny gets into her with her nails while ASU takes his fingers between her toes, and all Mairead can say is “sumbiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! Ooooooh GRR!GRR!GRR!GRR!GRR!” (machine gun “grrs”, how cute. And INEFFECTIVE!) Well, now that her head was buried in the pillow and couldn’t see me coming, I approached and pulled out my Sonicare and proffered its use to them. Now, Mairead usually doesn’t like tools, but this may have been the only chance I had to sneak up on her without getting pummeled, so I couldn’t resist. I couldn’t get to her neck of course, and it wasn’t my scene, so I decided to go for the space in between her toes, WHICH, according to her, is unbearable (a word I especially like), which Enny was kind enough to hold open for me. With the word “oh noooooo-oooooooo-ooooooo” acting as my drumroll, I positioned the head just above the spot and then turned it on at point blank range…
*SHRIEK*“OHMYGODWHATHEFUCKISTHATONMYFEET??!!!!!????”
Well, now it was on, and Enny handled it deftly as though torturing girls was her natural pastime (if it wasn’t before it certainly could be now). I stood back and let them work, taking advantage of any new jolts and squeaks to make funny comments, one of which knocked the mighty Rhino on his back leaving Enny to handle the Giggling Giant all by herself, of which she proved more than capable. Crystal, having already endured a Jeff-Enny collaboration, sat silently but enthralled next to Jeff. When it was all over, Mairead wound up sprawled out in ASU’s arms, which I felt resembled an image out of neoclassical religious paintings; I prodded Libertine and said “That’s incredible. It’s almost like a sculpture; like a pieta.” Libertine glanced at the two of them and said “Yeah, only it’s moving and no one’s dead.” Benefits of a classical education. Starting then, Mairead was coming to and then started snarking back and forth with ASU over the un/naturalness of the shape of his toes. After this session, Mairead rarely went anywhere without clutching her pillow to her chest like a security blanket.
Well, all good things must come to an end, and the first victims of Airportitis were ASU and Enny. With a tearful goodbye, Jeff took them to the airport, leaving Mairead and Crystal “With THIS guy.” Me alone with Crystal and Mairead…a chance for VILLAINY YOU SAY?! Well, not really. I just packed up my stuff, we shot the breeze (I figured they had had enough punishment for five weekends at this point anyway) and we watched Ghost]/I] on TV. When Jeff came back, they all gathered their stuff and left, and I grabbed my stuff and headed for the lobby to grab a shuttle. However, when I made it, I saw the Trio of Torture walking to Jeff’s car and thought: “ah fuck it, there might be room for me” and ran outside. Sure enough, there was room and Mad Max MTP gave us a lift to the airport. He dropped The Brat off first and then me and Crystal both got off at the NWA terminal. Once we checked in, we both had about 2 hours to wait until our flights took off, so we wandered to duty-free area looking for cigarettes (which we couldn’t get, so I bought her some gum) and then after we passed through security (I had so much packing and unpacking to do that the additional security search was completed before I had even tied my shoes), we sat at my gate and ate and reviewed the weekend in one last Ha-Ha before it was time for me to board. This is how the weekend ends, not with a bang, but with a hug and a few whispers.
B]Super-Awesome Newbies[/B]
It has to be said this year that there was a crop of tremendously awesome newbies in attendance, and they NEED to be mentioned here to the best of my memory: Anime-locks Kjiron, Baldadonis, the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeliciously sweet Tamia78, Magnificent Jarrat, Avenger’s lovely beau Aylajade15, Captain Benderrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, and the impossible-to-forget TickleEmperor: the tiny newly Christened mascot of NEST who’s diminutive frame houses a heart three sizes too large.
RANDOM MOMENTS
“Professor Xavier I have a question…”
Those in attendance last year may recall from the Newbie Orientation (or recollections of) my now infamous Alien 3 remark made when Libertine schooled me for stepping out of line. I decided to revisit the anniversary with another famous comment about awesome shaven-headed men of whom I am jealous. This time, I snuck into the orientation and waited for the reading of the rules to finish; since I was no longer a newbie, I was no longer in a position to read the rules anymore, as it is largely participatory and intended to initiate new attendees. When it was over, Libertine asked if there were any questions, and I raised my hand. Despite his better judgment, he called on me to ask, and I said “Yes, Professor Xavier I had a question…” and the room collapsed in a familiar cacophony of uproarious tension-breaking laughter. After that, I took my little bow and stepped out, leaving the serious moments to return. Sometime lesser is more.
Snail Shell and Amanda “I Leave You Kids Alone for 5 Minutes…”
One of the 2 classes I tried to attend simultaneously was Snail Shell’s bondage-free wrestling restraint class, which consisted of him demonstrating a series of innuendo-heavy yet legitimate wrestling moves designed to subdue a resistant ‘lee so they may not escape their justly deserved punishment. As a subject, he picked BrightEyes1082, and proceeded to perform Cirque du Soleil-quality rolls and tumbles that successfully pinned the crazy-eyed newbie. Of course, he also demonstrated their effectiveness by tickling her in each position, much to the amusement of the crowd. When he demonstrated a mounting hold that just OOOZED suggestiveness, I just wandered over and said “I leave you kids alone for 5 minutes, and look at what you get yourselves into!”
The Lumberjacket
Mairead waltzed into the hotel event room wearing a red flannel jacket with a fuzzy collar. When I saw this, I COULD NOT GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD (sing it if you know): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’M a lumberjack and I’m o-kay, I sleep all night and I work all day… I shared it with Jeff, Venray, Crystal and ASU, who then cursed me behind their laughter for getting the song in THEIR heads too. Hence, I then dubbed it The Lumberjacket.
“I’m a Little Teapot”
As Jeff is likely to tell you, I can be counted on to emerge from nowhere, make a random, spontaneous and hilarious comment on the situation at hand using the people as props, and then vanish into the mists as quickly as I came. Actually, it’s almost exactly like this:
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Unfortunately, as the nature of these jokes is improvisational, I’ve forgotten most of them, but this one was so successful I couldn’t forget it. At Family Guy trivia night, Jeff was supporting a recently spent Crystal (this is soon after the “cavity” comment) who was in ragdoll mode. He had just brought her back from the fetal position and she was trying to talk to Mairead with her limpy hands when I couldn’t help myself: “Hey Jeff, check this out.” Then I put my hands on her shoulders and gently tilted her back, and with her hands in mid-air tipped her to the side saying “I’m a little teapot, short and stout…” Jeff almost dropped her he was laughing so hard.
The Sonicare Doesn’t Work
At the main event, while Avenger was off assisting in the kidnapping of Kjiron, his beau aylajade15 (who has the most ticklish head in the world) waltzed up to my dehydrated ass at the bar and asked me quite rhetorically why I carried an electric toothbrush. When I asked why she made such a silly question she commented that it doesn’t work on her. A CHALLENGE! DUNH-DUNH-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN! So off I went to follow her to her seat where Avenger, having just returned from restraining the neon pink abductee, showed me that the sonicare does in fact NOT work. In fact, the place it works the LEAST is apparently her nose, and to demonstrate, he held her head firmly in place while I tested his assertion. Sure enough, the Sonicare DIDN’T work. In fact, it didn’t work so well that 2 whole Arms of Futility were necessary to express its ineffectiveness. She finally broke free (apparently from boredom) and rubbed the numb olfactory organ vigorously to bring it back to life. When Avenger tried to embrace her she shrieked and flurried at him: “EEE! DON’T TOUCH ME! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!” Nope. Sonicare didn’t work AT. ALL.
“Bon Voyageee!”
Somebody got kidnapped on Saturday as I was standing in the conference center, and I ran after them and I stopped at the door and in my nod to Bugs Bunny said: “Goodbyeeeee! Don’t forget to wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!” DVNC almost choked on his snacks for the first of 11 times that weekend as a result of me.
Whipping Pinky Lee
Pinky Lee was the adorable assistant of bondage maestro Craig Nelson. Endlessly perky and smiley, she was approached by Libertine during a brief bit of banter a few of us were having and he asked her “Have you ever been wrapped?” Avenger, who was beside me enthusiastically encouraged her to take him up on his offer. Apparently, wrapping is a whipping term where, like in the swashbuckling movies, you lash someone with a whip in such a way that it snaps/pops and ensnares them without hurting them. She perked up at the chance and we all cleared the hell out of the way. With grace and Errol Flynn-like flair, Libertine snapped his bullwhip and POP! Wrapped the lithe Lee in leather much to her delight “It feels like a hug!” she cheerily chirped. THAT was a sight.
Libertine Impersonation Theater
You’ll find no two bigger hams at NEST than Avenger and myself, and during the Hallway Party we took it upon ourselves to ham it up by impersonating the resident thespian Libertine. My haphazard impression of him during my Shenanigans podcast inspired Avenger to try his hand at it and then to best me at it. Avenger’s emphasis was on the grandeur of Libertine’s presence, whereas I attempted to replicate the authenticity of his voice and mannerisms. It was a stalemate as neither of us had enough merit to truly trump the other; the best moment was when I parodied Avenger’s grand lowered cupped hand gesture with a commentary: “You need the lowered hand so that I may crush your testicles when I hear you impersonate me.” Nevertheless, we waged back and forth for about 10 minutes, until I finally killed the moment with a magnificent idea: let’s knock on Libertine’s door and relay our shtick to him as he opens it. Avenger summed up that idea best: “That is a spectacularly BAD idea!” When someone brought up my Libertine impression later on when KittenToes was right there in Jamie’s room, I nervously did it only to have her dismiss it humorously with “That doesn’t sound like him.”
Big John Attacks Venraya
Big John is the most lovably intimidating man at NEST, and I never pass up a chance to see him work with his massive powerful God-hands, or to goad him into using them on the unsuspecting ‘lee in front of him. Needless to say, this kind of ruins his game, and derails the smooth macking characteristic of his nature. Thankfully, he did this on his own. At Family Guy trivia night, he snared Venraya against the wall, in spite of trying to hide behind someone else, and brought her TO THE FUCKING FLOOR with his hands. Venrya’s face was a tapestry of ticklish AGONY and she was reduced to a hilarious and addictive yipping noise (“Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!”) as she curled up under the standing legs of her ineffective human shield. Later he got Bella the same way, and it was…*sniff* frickin’ beautiful man!
The Live-action .GIF
One of the things about me that confuses the hell out of people is that I will turn down a ripe tickling opportunity for the sake of a joke. In the courtyard after the event, before I went to Lee’s room with Viper, I managed to get close enough to Mairead to make a reach for her neck. Now, at this point I had the chance to actually TICKLE HER…or milk the ATTEMPT to tickle her for comedic value. Guess which one won. Slowly and deliberately, I raised my extended finger towards her until she noticed it out of her peripheral vision and after a “don’t even think about it” look, swung her forearm down and smacked my hand away. This immediately called for me to DO IT AGAIN. SLAP! Do it again…SLAP! Do it again…SLAP! At least 6 times and with such amazingly accurate repetition that it was like a live-action .GIF and when I told Viper about it, he offered to actually photograph it. Mairead’s response? “Mrah.” (which means “no”)
Well, that about does it for me this year as far as full-blown overdone self-indulgent NEST threads go. I’ve missed out on a lot of back-and-forth trying to write this out so I got catching up to do. Once again, I got to give super-ultra-mega-props to the following people: TickleChgo for being awesome and giving me a ride and not kicking my ass when I got rude; for Libertine for being Libertine and for showing us his demo reel; MTP Jeff and Viper for letting me part of NEST history and giving me back the flame of life that I thought had extinguished 6 years ago; Lily for being a better storyteller than I am and for being one of the perkiest attendees we had; Tamia78 for giving me inspiration to think of new horrible things to do to you next year; aylajade15 for those AWESOME photographs; Classy for finally saying “Yes”; DVNC for…Jesus Christ, this thread is long enough brother, I don’t need to add another 7 pages, but let’s just say for being the cat that you is; TickleEmperor for being, as Viper said it, the Spirit of NEST present and future; Bella for being the Mom I don’t feel dirty for doing naughty things to; Kjiron and Jarrat for being hella entertaining; Bride of Dracula and beau for giving me a lift; Max Speer for giving me a reason to live every year…
And LEEALLURE for WORKING HER FUCKING ASS OFF TO DELIVER WHAT MAY BE THE GREATEST NEST EVER! WOO-HOO!
Once again, all these recollections are from my perspective. As I was not there for everything, there’s lots I missed out on, so feel free to add to it. I’m out guys.
Just when you were getting over NEST-drop, here I come to bring you back down! I know that a bunch of superb post-NEST threads have been posted in the three days it took to write this, and I didn’t intend to write a long-winded NEST thread that’s three pages long and monopolizes the entire gratitude fest…but I WILL! Goddamn, usually you can say that it never gets better than your first time (e.g. heroin), but sheeeit, if the fun level increases exponentially year after year like this, I’ll be dead of a coronary by my 5th year. But I can die with a smile on mah face, without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me. Now this a hyar story I’m about ta unfold took place just about 5 days ago…
Chaneda’s Mean Streets
I get off my late plane and head towards my second hurdle: getting my ride to come to me. Chaneda was kind enough the day before to gimme his cell phone number to hitch up a ride. So I make a long-distance call from a pay phone to contact him and hope he isn’t too far away from the airport to swing around. Of course where else would he be but JUST AROUND THE CORNER IN THE VERY BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA I’M IN! Not only that, he’s there with ASU, …some guy, and (gasp!) The Enny! I creep up behind them in the least subtle cartoon-sneaking walks (which surprisingly worked) and jumped on ASU’s back, grabbing his neck: “Quick! Get the spears! I can’t hold it!” After which we all trudged back to C level (humidity is foreign to this dry climate dweller), and piled into the car: Chaneda driving, ASU riding shotgun, and me, Enny and RUI! in the backseat. While this type of sandwich proposal would normally spell trouble for Enny, we spent most of the time trying to pronounce Rui’s name properly—at first I was introduced to him as “This is the guy from Portugal” to which I replied “That’s his name? ‘Guy from Portugal?”—until I steered us wrong when I was distracted by a 2-story porn shoppe across the freeway and yelled out “Two-tier porn store!” We all started making jokes and then…missed the bridge we were supposed to take. So we actually had to get off the freeway and into…ground-level streets of Philadelphia. I don’t care what The Boss says about “Streets of Philadelphia”, he sure as shit didn’t sing about WALKING them himself. While getting turned around on countless one-way parking lanes (the streets were apparently built for buggies originally and no longer serve any aspect of modern travel), we couldn’t stop ourselves from screaming (with inside voices) at the complete recklessness of local pedestrians, who make a sport of apparently walking through busy traffic with no expectation of getting struck. After about 20 minutes of this, I donned my Crocodile Hunter impression and started gooning: “Waylcum t’ Shanaydah’s Uhbahn Safari! ‘Is iz tha show wheh wee geh aroun’ and moike fuhn ah the local populace! ‘Ese poor craychah’s hyah haf leeved in this hostile envoirnmynt for cenchoorees, and haf comPLEETLEY lost all pereeferal veezion, which makes theem vuln’rabble to prehdaturs! Crikey! Lookit ‘ow they’ve puhfektly adapted to their nahtif surrowndangs!” I then suggested we do that all over America with me narrating from the sunroof like all African Discovery Channel shows.
After we got on track, all there was to do besides make small pokes at Enny was to wonder how Mapquest defined Nearly Right in its instructions.
The Kidnapping of Mairead & The Bleeding of Crystal Light’s Toe
I was not here for this. Although I did run into Snail Shell in full Navy SEAL regalia and tool belt afterwards. “I came prePARED.” The thousand-yard stare he had on his face said it still wasn’t enough, lol.
2x4: MTP Jeff & LeeAllure vs. Irishgirl5, AnnieHall, Crystal Light & BrightyEyes1082
I was also not here for this. AMN ANGRY! AMN SMASH!
Kicking Avenger in the Ass (The Home Game for the whole family)
Avenger 314 and I both broke our cherries at NEST last year…that’s disgusting. But I told you that to tell you this. One of the most valued positions of trust a NESTee can attain, even beyond Dungeon Master is that of a designated kidnapper: a long-coveted exclusive position reserved only for those of unquestionable character and responsibility; something too advanced for a mere newbie. So who gets asked to participate in the Kidnapping of IrishGirl5 last year, but AVENGER! I both admired and despised him for that, and on podcast vowed to kick his ass for his luck. So what did I do when I met him and his lovely lil beau aylajane15 in the lobby of the hotel? I swung my leg around myself and kicked him in the ass, just like I said I would. He then pushed me into the lobby couch, so I got over it. Until he got asked to kidnap Kjiron later Sunday afternoon, after which I have vowed to throw lawn darts at his ass next year. Yes, Kjiron’s a guy, but it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing!
One of these years, the hardworking folks at NEST Team will lose their civil natures and physically bludgeon the hotel owners into reserving entire blocks of rooms for us, but until then, we have to be content with arrangements like ours, spread out amongst 4 blocks arranged in an oblong square enclosing a courtyard. The courtyard became the central meeting place for everyone to connect to whatever was going on. It was here that I met Bride of Dracula after a year’s hiatus and I quickly found the awesome neo-Wiccan discussing comic books with JARRATT! The Canadian hypnotist was discussing the finer points of comic book evolution and when I joined in, the geek mana in the yard developed an eerie supernatural glow. After realizing that she and I had an affinity for The Bondage Fairies, the greatest X-rated manga of all-time, she decided she had had enough: “I’m all geeked out. I haven’t had enough sex to recharge my batteries for this yet.”
The evening concluded with a gathering of lads and lassies in the lounge, where pizza was served in copious quantities.
SATURDAY’S SCHEDULE: SHENANIGANS
Wa-Wa-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa/PUSSYFOOT!
The Saturday morning search for a ride to the local Wa Wa has been a NEST tradition ever since the TSA decided to protect airline passengers from the temptation of seizing a plane with disposable razors; we all remember the tragedy that befell Myron Milquetoast Milford when he diverted a 747 to Belfast in 2005 by holding a bottle of Listerine over the pilot’s head, and we certainly don’t want the responsibility of carrying a mini-roll of Right Guard to send us down the same path. During breakfast in the hotel cafeteria, everybody sent out feelers to find a ride, and I found mine in ViperGTS; at the same time, Mairead and Crystal desperately needed cigarettes, so off we went in Viper’s ride down the labyrinthine streets of New Jersey. The Wa Wa was busy so I grabbed chips and crackers and soda while the others scampered off to the car and drove off without me. As if I wouldn’t notice! HA! HA! As they came back around, grinning ear to ear, I Randalled my way out (as per Crystal’s request) and we drove back, but first we passed another one of Jersey’s charmingly dilapidated adult novelty stores. Inevitably the subject of porn came up (as it often does when I’m around) and somehow feet got into the mix. Viper mentioned a little item he found on the internet that was a prosthetic foot with a foam vagina built into the sole, a revelation that caused the Glimmer Twins in the back to groan hard enough to nearly wretch up the nicotine they were trying to inhale. The devil inside me—not that there’s much else, mind you—spun around and suggested to the podiatrically-challenged Amazon behind me to risk any and all peace of mind she still retained on the forum by taunting the foot fetish crowd with a proposal: to create a thread that said “Okay, okay, here’s a picture of my feet you guys!” with a photograph of said novelty item (“PUSSYFOOT” as Crystal put it) in place. My hope was that the shock would incapacitate the persistent crowds indefinitely, but to no avail. Viper yelled at us to be quiet when he got a work call, but aside from that, it was a hilarious trip. In the end, we coined a new phrase for NEST: PUSSYFOOT.
Libertine & Kitten Toes/Pinky & The Brain’s Rope Bondage 101&201
You can’t have NEST without a bondage class or 2 or 3 or 4; it may come in useful when you come across a ‘lee with the lower body strength of the Budweiser Clydesdale Team. With the ceaseless and selfless efforts of our wonderful LeeAllure, master rope bondage artisan Craig Nelson and his adorable test subject Pinky Lee (who may or may not be the same Pinky Lee from Joanna’s Angels 2: Alt.Throttle) agreed to lay his vast knowledge upon we unworthy many so that we may one day dream of bestowing the enlightening touch of erotic genius upon some un/fortunate subject someday. The venue provided some interesting overlap this year as the classes, which are usually dispersed over multiple rooms, were allowed to run concurrently in the same room with its natural architecture acting as the dividers. This posed problems for some as it was difficult to decide which class to observe. I tried watching two at once and only absorbed ½ of both much to my consternation. Thankfully, Craig has accepted an invitation to return next year and hopefully I can rectify my terrible error. I did catch the end of the class where the hands-on education was wrapping up: Lee and Craig had managed to hogtie Pinky, Corry, TickleEmperor (the ultimate Rob), and Fish on the floor. It didn’t take long for Lee to make sport of the helpless Halfling, and inspire the others to attack their own projects as well. In a classic moment, Fish gave TickleEmperor a belly raspberry that didn’t do much for Rob but brought the rest of the group to its knees laughing. Finally, someone who was willing to go nearly as far as I was for a joke.
Now, there was no way in hell I was going to miss the Libertine/KittenToes Intro to Bondage class; last year I watched the master thespian turn a bunch of grown people into a kindergarten class with his amazingly simple explanations of how to build a $50 bondage travel kit at Home Depot. The crowning jewel of the event was his patented “How NOT to tie up a girl” demonstration, which damn near killed me. So I sat in on this class just twitching and jittering waiting for that part of the demo, and also to remember what I had written down but not committed to memory yet. Normally I wouldn’t describe it so that newbies get a chance to see it, but now that other posts have revealed it, I might as well as…well. After describing the basics and how they work, now came the part of the lecture where he described how to keep your excitement in when propositioning a girl for the opportunity to tie her up; basically how NOT to react. So with Kitten acting as the hapless girl who says “Yes” to the stuttering guy doing the asking, Libertine pauses…and utters: “Oh fuck.” And then proceeds to re-enact the arrival of Hurricane Hugo while getting wrapped up in his own ropes and essentially hogtying himself instead of the girl, who shakes her head and wanders off. “Hey! Where are you going?!”
One final great moment from the lecture entailed the exposition of bondage tape, an self-adhering fabric tape that can be used for restraint. While demonstrating its variant uses, Libertine placed his hand on his hip, struck a pose, and with the best lisp I’ve heard in a while said: “Ladies, it also workth ath a fathion thtatement-” when suddenly, from the back in the Communications lecture came a voice, directed at Libertine: “We can hear your voice! We can hear your voice back here and we don’t need to!” It was LeeAllure, and she just pwned him. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH…Oh it was ON now. Two of the most powerful dominants in the entire community just clashed head to head as one called the other out. Oh I was waiting for some brilliant Royal Shakespeare Company Oscar Wilde-level comeback to precede a massive DragonBall Z Superpower Smackdown with fireballs and lightning bolts to break out right then and there in the hotel and systematically level most of New Jersey-…but it didn’t. Libertine shrugged it off with his trademark smirk and chuckle and went back to his demonstration. Rarely have I been so unhappy to see such potential carnage go untapped.
Enny Spins Right Round (Like A Record Baby)
Either Jeff for ASU discovered that when you get Enny early in the weekend and get a good hold of her hips, the work you put into it is proportional to the centripetal force she exerts in her attempt to reach escape velocity. All you have to do is lift your feet and rest on your heels, and she spins you around like one of those millstone donkeys in movies that take place in Mexico. I still get a kick out of watching Jeff laugh like a little boy at Disneyland as the curlicued cutie took for a literal spin. Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops…who gives a fuck? She’s laughin’!
The Embryo & The Fetus
For years now, our resident super-brat Mairead has been known as the embryo on account of she’s a few decades behind us Oldy Oldsons. Well, finally, she was no longer the youngest one at NEST; that title was reserved for Lily, but also for her hetero life mate Crystal Light, who is the Jay to her not-so-Silent Bob. I think that I can safely say that I coined a new nickname for Crystal: The Fetus. But this term was more accurate than anything else. As I had occasion to witness some of the 5,000 attacks that Jeff inflicted on Crystal during the weekend, almost every one of them reduced the spry little novice to a curled up ball of ‘lee that Jeff cradled nurturingly in his arms while stroking her hair; I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually passed out. Anyone laying eyes on this event would notice the resemblance between this exhausted ‘lee and an ultrasound, so I commented that she looked like a fetus. Then I remembered how Mairead is the Embryo. Since the two are sisters from the same mister, I figured it was a fitting sibling term and I have thus dubbed the two Embryo & Fetus, and hope to have a sitcom based on their exaggerated exploits in production this summer on NBC.
AnnieHall and Crystal Light bookends will be available soon, lol.
The Arm of Futility (a.k.a. The Family Guy Trivia Game)
For weeks prior to NEST, LeeAllure’s private joytoy BrightEyes, had been plotting ceaselessly to dedicate an entire evening of afterplay to the Family Guy trivia game, to which she had become addicted. What was to be the pinnacle event of the evening was largely distracted due to the abundance of exuberance and available victims. To begin with, the teams had not been equitably drawn, the exultant revelers too consumed by their jubilation to KEEP QUIET FOR THE RULES, and BrightEyes spent more time trying to get me to do “I hate you Billay” (a la Grim) to even pay attention to when it was her turn. Eventually, we lost the Red team altogether (which consisted entirely of TickleEmperor) and our host Captain Bender had to step in. This wasn’t unusual, as people kept coming and going: Kered, Big John, Bella, the Venrays, TickleEmperor, etc. The group began to expand until the Deviant Duo of Mairead and Crystal Light walked in, and from there the lure of girlflesh quickly overcame any cohesion the group possessed. It did not help that BrightEyes became drunk on her own obnoxiousness to the point where no one of any decent upbringing could stand idly by without punishing her; thank you Snail Shell. As soon as the last group settled in and everybody was fixed for the evening, all that was required was for Crystal Light to behave herself for the remainder of the game. Of course, as everybody in the last 2 months has divined, such a feat is impossible for the little blonde brat. Thankfully, her choice of chair—Jeff’s lap—also served as the discipline seat. Sure enough, we lost Jeff as he took to turning her ribs into a xylophone that produced some of the most alluring and cackly music that only a group such as us can appreciate. And Crystal gets really kicky and thrashy and loud when she gets tickled, so it’s necessary for whoever the (lucky fucking) torturer is to apply ADDITIONAL tickling intensity so as to facilitate the cataplexy necessary to paralyze her for the duration of her punishment…and then to keep going. The trade off is that the less she can move, the louder she laughs and the more she protests, so as I’m sitting trying to listen to questions, I’m also looking next to me and watching this nearly disembodied head lilt from side to side laughing harder than Witch Hazel from Looney Tunes. At one point, her head was thrown so far back and her mouth so wide open that I peered into it and remarked “You need to get that cavity checked.” Jeff himself laughed so hard he almost dropped her.
Mairead, in the meantime, had plopped down on the floor next to ASUTickler in her Lumberjacket (see RANDOM MOMENTS) and a raspberry lollipop. At some point during Crystal’s seemingly endless torment under Jeff’s skilled hands (the 4th of such public displays that day alone), Big John decided to get involved, and as we all know, when Big John gets his hands in there…well, as the song says: “I can’t do nothin’ for you man.” Her divine, Crystal-shattering shrieks must have provided divine inspiration for ASU because shortly thereafter, he decided to take Mairead under his wing; or to be more precise, to take her over his lap and get under HER wing. And neck. And Lumberjacket (i.e. belly). As momentous an occasion as that of watching a rhinoceros subdue a giant, it was just as amusing watching him juggle her and trying to pry her lollipop from her agonized grip. Her right arm was pinned beneath her, but ASU held her left one in his hand (at one point, he used her entire body to simulate an impression of Jimi Hendrix. I urged him not to set her on fire, although the color of her face indicated that he already had), and this is where the title of this section derives its name. In spite of her growls and flinches (which were to be expected), I’ve never seen anyone struggle LESS to get away from such impugn torment. There was only one part of her body, aside from the occasional “squicking” (“squirm” + “kick” = “squick”) of her legs, that even attempted to resist: her left forearm in ASU’s grip. As she suffered, it flapped helplessly and uselessly about, swatting blindly at invisible flies in a vain attempt to strike back at him. It was quite…FUTILE, you might say. I pointed to it and said to Jeff: “Hey check it out. It’s the Arm of Futility.” For the second time, Jeff almost lost control and said “I LOVE that!” Therefore and henceforth, ergo and etcetera, from this day forth, any and all completely ineffectual flapping arm movements from the elbow down on a struggling ‘lee shall be referred to as The Arm of Futility.
Thank you, I coin phrases for nickels.
THE HALLWAY PARTY
After the Family Guy game ended and the room party degenerated into an assault on all ‘lees—not that anyone was complaining, mind you—and the momentum generated by the event spilled over into the last remaining “party” scheduled for the evening: an open house in 153, Jamie’s room. What was originally intended to be a simple room party to give everyone a chance to mingle and whet our appetites for the next day expanded into an internal block party that took up the entire hallway of the first floor of the building for until the wee hours of the morn.
Woe to anybody who hails from a country with a manageable population, a working health care system, and a culture free of jingoistic virtues: we Americans will make fun of you. That was the case with the Canadian Carpool, a team of 4 Canadians who travelled from Toronto to be at NEST that weekend and whether the slings and arrows of well-intentioned jabs at cultural difference while waiting for the big day: Snail Shell, TickleEmperor, Captain Bender and the gentle giant, hypnosis practitioner Jarrat (a.k.a “The Voice” that made Crystal Light scorch her shorts), whose brain I relentlessly picked over comic books and social evolution; he and Andy and I had a lengthy conversation postulating the direction of fetish/BDSM communities over time periods of varying length. But it wasn’t all cerebral exercises and C-Span-ish contemplation. Oh no.
The one thing we could count on when Jamie’s around: someone’s goin’ down. And in this case, it was a virtual repeat of the event last year when he set his sights on our beloved little irishgirl5, and, just like last year, he brought her to the ground cackling like a banshee. With his powerful Iron-Tiger Claw Technique, he made jelly out of her ribs and belly with such success that it was hard to tell if it was the force of his gait or the intensity of her laugh that made her shake so hard, but regardless, his skill was apparent; the beaming beauty placed her hands on his wrists in a vain effort to stop him, but in the end, she was still reduced to a jiggling puddle of squealing euphoria on the floor. As is the second part of his trademark, Jamie got in close and whispered ridiculous baby-speak gibberish in her ear, which turned her from a jiggler in to a flailer with the mouth of a very happy sailor. And true to form, as what happens when lil’ Irish gets the getting, she went into a flurry of furious clapping ( I counted 4 separate occasions), proving Dane Cook wrong by showing that you can by round of applause, how you feel.
I also have to mention that around this time I met someone who was a newbie to NEST, but no stranger to the TMF: the lovely, likeable and lascivious-thought-inducing Tamia78. With a smile permanently ingrained on her face, she introduced herself to me as the woman “who was always ignored by that snotty Amnesiac.” I in turn, tried to defend my honor—and hers—by stating that my reluctance to talk to her was out of respect for the lady ‘lees of the community by keeping my distance and allowing them their space. She responded to my summation with “Uh-huh. Snotty.” Not only an propitiator of baseless accusations, she also withheld permission to be tickled for as long as possible for the maximum teasing effect. I was seriously considering revoking my “Be Nice to Newbies” protocol for the one occasion of disciplining the little luscious ‘lee, and unfortunately my busy post-NEST schedule not only kept me from playing with her, but also Classy as well (who has been cruising for a bruising 3 years running now). But oh…next year, she’ll be no newbie, and NEXT year I plan to do things to her that haven’t even been given proper names yet. I’ve tried my hand at inventing a few of them: “screamara,” “wriggledang” and “zerbertium” to name a few.
The Monty Python Hoedown
The lovely—I’m sorry—the WUVWY widdle ‘wee IwishGiwl (a.k.a. Meg) was in attendance at the party, and while downing a Heineken indicated that she was a Monty Python fanatic, and had all the songs downloaded, and even began singing a few lines of a few of them, “Every Sperm is Sacred” being one of her favorites. Over-excited, I asked if she knew the Philosopher Song, to which she eventually replied that she didn’t know it. Undaunted, and completely unable to purge the terminally catchy tune from my brain, I walked across the hallway to ask if anybody else knew it. By this point, the hallway self-segregated into 2 distinct groups of hallway lingerers, with Avenger & aylajade15, Alchemy, Kijiron, TickleEmperor, and others on one side, and Meg, Jamie, ConcreteMan and Ice Princess (to name a few) on the other. When I lamented that none of them knew the Philosopher Song, they inevitably asked how it went. Just as I started the first bar, Captain Bender started in with me and for the next 46 seconds (short song) we recited word for word in exact time the lyrics of the Philosopher Song. Because of the tune’s catchy nature, it inspired Tamia78 and TickleEmperor to link arms and dance in a hoedown circle to it until we finished. From there, Avenger and BaldAdonis took to a rendition of “Schadenfreude” that was equally impeccable. And from there…well, the hallway party was just getting started.
I still had time to settle a year-old score with a very receptive ‘lee: tickleshotel. With the aid of Kjiron and Gigglemakr as alternators, I whipped out my trusty Sonicare and went straight for her lightning rod feet. The best thing about tickleshotel is that she never really seems to tire (or fight back) and after about 5 minutes, she hadn’t lost a shred of sensitivity. I also found something new about her: as sensitive as her soles and toes are, her heels were as sensitive as Irishgirl’s neck or lite’s sides. So I practically drained the newly freshed battery on this particular area until the last of the stragglers were filing out. And that was where things got even more interesting.
The Lily of the Playing Field
And though the evening was now over and my eyes were practically bleeding from their sockets with fatigue (the next morning was UNSPEAKABLY hard to wake up to in spite of the excitement), Rui, Adrian, Jamie, KittenToes and I made the acquaintance of Viper’s bespectacled model Lily. I met her earlier in the day when she arrived where Viper showed me how to pull her hair properly, which I did. Several times. Brains, brawn, beauty and one hell of a libido all in one teeny, tiny, very limber package was at my fingertips held together by mere roots. When done right, a good hair pull sends her on her tiptoes and her mouth gaping orgasmically open. Which was cool for me; normally I can’t get a girl wet with a firehose and here I am driving another one half crazy with a small tug. So seeing her again in her pink jammies while we mingled half-dead in the hallway was a welcome substitute for no-doze. Jamie took advantage of her open-mindedness—or naivete, whichever you prefer—to test out her feet and ribs. Later, as he got ready for bed, she and KittenToes duked it out in a friendly Battle of the Splitz, which she played well, but the living elastic band that is KittenToes eventually won (my nuts STILL hurt thinking about that). A sleepy Libertine emerged from his room to observe the event and Kitten parted our company where we spent an hour going over the amazing details of her life (which are too numerous to mention here) that made me feel like the laziest son of a bitch ever born. As Adrian massaged her feet the entire time, she regaled us with inside voice-level songs. It was hard to tell who was more enrapt by this siren: me or Rui because if our eyes had been any more glazed with amazement, we’d have cataracts.
The final piece of the evening came in the form of two non-NEST guests: a blonde woman and her boyfriend Malik, a man who was in dire, dire need of a drink and when he suspected we had a cooler full of beer, quietly but persistently attempted to acquire one, despite his girlfriend’s fulcrum resistance of yanking on his arm. An awkward moment, but not a dangerous one, and actually quite humorous upon reflection.
WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME: THE MAIN EVENT
Well it was that time again! The day of the main event and the caravan was ready and rarin’ ta go at 11:00. So after I get all gussied up and pack up my gear, I head downstairs and I find…a near empty lobby. Apparently the 10:30 call for volunteers wasn’t just for the volunteers setting things up, it was also when everybody else took off. Stranded without a ride, I found Bride of Dracula and Greg, as well as Capnmad and Christina sitting around and got a ride with them. Bride seemed to be a well-travelled couple so I went with them while Capnmad followed. We stopped at a WaWa where I asked them to buy me a box of chocolate doughnuts that I forgot to buy myself the day before. Everything went fine until we hit the toll booths where we quickly discovered that Bride had E-Z Pass, but Capn didn’t, forcing us to travel through two different lanes on a very busy stretch of interstate. As a result, we got separated and had to phantom navigate him and ourselves to get to the venue. Unfortunately, we got lost ourselves, and the winding roads so pervasive to Jersey geography made me regret leaving my Dramamine at the hotel; sure enough I got quite carsick and when we arrived at the venue, I knew I was gonna puke. I walked in to make a bee-line for the restroom only to get swamped by a horde of people who were very excited to see me and wondered where the hell I had been: apparently the first hour at the event were a bit dull without a colorful eccentric to break the ice. Wonderful: the one time I have a whole room full of people happy to see me and I have to push right past them to get sick. Well, after dumping my coat and bag and then the contents of my stomach, I ventured out into the club where Jeff rushed me with a bottle of Schweppes which started to do wonders inside of 15 minutes, just like he said.
THANKS JEFF!
The Pirates of Philadelphia (The Kidnapping of Necia)
As I was wandering around trying to find my gear and find what trouble I could cause, Lee comes bursting out of the back room and apparently out of her corset (BOOBS!) in full faux pirate regalia. “Can’t talk now” she said rapidly as she hasted off to the center of the room. Only one thing could command Lee’s attention so thoroughly and demand stringent cosplay: SOMEBODY’S GETTIN’ KIDNAPPED! From the outside doors comes pouring in a stream of pirates: Jack “Alchemy” Sparrow (in fully handmade outfit), Mistress KittenToes (looking like Kate Beckinsdale from Van Helsing), and AffectionateDan, all led by a red and black-dreadlock sporting Libertine complete with whip and pirate boots. And who should be the (un)fortunate victim of this campaign of terror? Necia/Spotlady of course! Fully grabbed and restrained on the display table for all to see, this team of Central Casting pirates had a very pressing demand: that Spotlady reveal to them vital information: THE SECRET EGG-SALAD RECIPE she had memorized (don’t you love a random What’s Up Tiger Lily reference?)! Apparently, these pirates have been stuck in a dietary rut and as Cap’n Libertine put it: “We’re sick of eatin’ quiche!” Necia was apparently a tough bird as it took a whole 8 minutes to get her to give a CORRECT ingredient in the recipe, and in this down time, Cap’n Libertine took it upon himself to saunter around the table: “And now, I shall swagger a bit!” Finally, Necia decided to cooperate fully and gave up the recipe to First Mate KittenToes, who scribbled the ingredients on her belly in invisible ink with a quill. When the recipe was complete, Libertine broke out in a celebratory song: a rendition courtesy of Frankie Valli. I don’t even know what the hell he was singing because I couldn’t hear him over my own laughter; I practically fell on the floor and dropping my Schweppes hearing this burly dom sing falsetto. I’m pretty sure everybody else around was listening and wondering “is there a fucking hyena in here or somethin’?” And just as they set about to release the reluctantly free captive, they concluded the scene with a parting philosophy about what it takes to be a pirate: “We’re pirates because we….ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”
The Lost Podcast/IrishGirl screaming
It was a great idea: launch a podcast from NEST where those unlucky many who couldn’t attend could get a taste of the festivities. Hosted in the back by Crystal Light and Mairead during the raffle with Viper co-hosting, they brought their traditional comedic touch from hundreds of miles from their familiar stomping grounds. Venray ran into me and told me I was welcome back there to add a touch, so I did, and the hits just kept on coming as guests from the NEST over came in in force: Venraya, Alchemy, AffectionateDan, and of course, BrightEyes and LeeAllure, who decided that I would make a good stool and made themselves at home on my lap. Not one to be subdued, I used my skills at pantomime to gesture to Alchemy that I’d pay him $5 to take my Sonicare and run it down her exposed back. Well, sure enough, he took that brush, placed it over her back and turned it on where I was greeted with a lovely little jump from the Unflappable One. I paid the man what I owed him. During the show, the controlled chaos was disrupted by an ear-splitting scream that permeated the entire complex: somebody was getting the super-deluxe treatment. As you all know, strange and sudden technical difficulties cut the transmission off and the Podcast was lost, and since it’s been deleted, now forever. With nothing else to do, I went back out to the floor and saw the source of the scream: ITTY BITTY IWISHGUWL! Strapped to a table and being worked over by the Man with the Hands: Jamie. As soon as I was allowed to join in, I whipped out the Sonciare and placed the buzzing buddy in the crook of her neck, and just like last year, elicited the world’s cutest and most agonized neck crunch along with a barrage of “Fuck!”s “Shit!”s and other S.A.M.isms. I am continually amazed at irishgirl as the pint size punishment pincushion squirms and thrashes and laughs until she damn near hyperventilates and her face turns to the shade of an overripe tomato and she still manages to cuss and say “I don’t remember my safeword.”; it didn’t help of course that Jamie kept changing it. I was sweating just LOOKING at her (not uncommon, but this time for a different reason), and finally we brought two cold wet rags and placed them over her head and chest to cool her down. She’s such a fucking trooper that you almost feel bad for inflicting such suffering on her. ALMOST.
The Distraction Game
Down at NEST, we like to create the illusion of SOME organization—we’re not all about random spontaneous chaotic tickle-torture—so the central event at the venue was the holding of ordered tickle-torture in the form of something that we call The Distraction Game (est. 2007). With 2 teams divided by gender—as God intended—calling themselves The Brotherhood (boys) and The Sisterhood (girls…and maybe 1 or 2 guys, but we won’t go there) standing on the main pole stage, they all agreed to answer a set of questions in the pursuit of prizes provided you can answer them while being tortured by the hands of ticklers from the other team. It started out fairly good for the guys (who consisted of Avenger, Milagros, Gigglemakr, TickleEmperor, Baldadonis and others), who managed to stand up fairly well to the girls (Classy, aylajade15, IcePrincess, irishgirl, Lily, to name a few) until the girls put forth their most resilient ‘lees first and got ahead, thanks in large part to Lily’s telling the alphabet backwards (sure, give the girl with the glasses that question, she won’t answer it!). The guys tried to take it back, but who did they bring up to bat? Baldadonis. When he came up I KNEW the guys were screwed; ladies, if you ever want a little F/M action, this guy is your best bet because he cracks easier than a Faberge egg in an elephant stampede. His question: Name the 7 Dwarves. His answer: “Sleepy! Dopey! FUCK! Uh…Stupid!” and I can’t even describe the rest it was simply too futile to watch. Earlier in the day, Lily had just been initiated into ‘lerdom with a session and apparently took to it like a fish to water because when she rolled up on a victim in her ABBA suit (which you’ll see on the NEST video), she had the “You’re mine now, bitch” stare down to a science; she OWNED that stage on her turn. Classy has managed to stick to the back of the Sisterhood, until Maximilian suggested (into the microphone of course) that she should have a turn. She tried to deny that, so the room broke out in a chant of “CLAS-SY! CLAS-SY! CLAS-SY!” that prompted her onto the pole. In the end, the Sisterhood won and took home the prize, although to this day I don’t know what the prize was. Nor do I care, that was a hell of a show.
Bella Broke My Tooth!...brush.
When Lite went into a bondage chair, I lept into action (damn near broke my hip doing that too, dammit) with who else?...my trusty Sonicare! In spite of the fact that, like Tickleshotel, she doesn’t move her foot much when you take a brush to it, her tongue is not as lethargic: “IT’S THAT GODDAMN TOOTHBRUSH! FUCK!” 10 minutes wasn’t enough to suit my taste, but I eventually had to hand it over to drew70 because I spotted trouble on the horizon: Avenger had Bell on the couch and was trying to tackle her singlehandedly. That’s right, I said “tackle” because trying to get Bella without the bondage is a contact sport. Knowing how foolish the poor boy was, I ran to his side to help. The scene was a melee of mochalicious madness: half the time was spent trying to avoid her flailing Bruce Lee arms, and the other half was spent trying to restrain her legs and keep her skirt down. Even Master Jamie came over, but was so successful at whispering tickling gibberish babbles into her ears that even his massive Artie the Strongest Man in the World strength couldn’t hold her. I for one had had enough of her insubordination and stepped in to offer my aid: having worked over Bella myself in private, I knew her worst spot: the belly button. With trusty Sonicare in hand, I placed my buzzy buddy in the softest spot (after making sure they held her arms down), and the rest is kind of a blur of pain stars. With the loudest girl squeal I’ve ever heard, she threw her 4 captors aside and with the force and speed of an F5 tornado grabbed my Sonicare and I tried to wrest it away with both hands. Now, I have never ridden a rodeo bull…but now I know why. I was perhaps the only person at NEST who ragdolled tickling-free. You might ask “why the hell didn’t you let go?” Cause that was a $54 goddamn toothbrush, and I was protecting my investment! It didn’t matter anyway because after she flung me off like a guy on Tekken 3 who doesn’t know how to do the combos right, she threw the toothbrush over the back of the couch and broke it. I ran over to pick up my trusty friend and found that the only thing broken was the head of the brush; the unit still worked. Most people would have held a grudge, but you can’t stay mad at Mama B. and that’s kinda what I get for trying to do what I tried to stop Avenger from doing. In the end, the blindfolded sprite said “This is usually why people tie me down.” In the middle of the ice-cube aftercare that is apparently my specialty, the Distraction Game began and I turned it over to the very capable hands of DVNC.
Video Killed the Tickling Star
I bought a little HD camcorder a few months back and brought it with the intent of shooting interviews for my NEST documentary (which didn’t happen this year), but found that I had a new audience: producers looking for a cheap way to upgrade their projects to the HD world. I had heard about the plan to shoot the first NEST tickling video this year and had hoped to negotiate my way into shooting the BTS footage, only to find out that now the producers (Viper and Jeff) wanted me to shoot the ACTUAL video! So, when the back room was slotted for the video to set up, off I went to scope the place out and set up. It was a private dancing stage, which wasn’t easy to track around, but Viper had set up his two kit lights and no sooner had I set foot on stage than something happened to me. Something that hasn’t happened since film school: my blood turned to antifreeze, my face started sweating, my body temp started rising, and I became more focused than I had been in 7 years. I was on a real set with a cast and crew and I was the Human Fucking Torch. After asking the usually unflappable Jeff (who seemed to wonder where the hell this whirlwind of fury came from) to get me some stools to provide support for 180-degree tracking shots, I ran out, doused my upper body with water and grabbed a cup of ice to press on my head every 10 minutes (so it seemed), then got to work. A crowd started to fill in to watch to scene as it was filmed and soon we were underway filming Lilly getting worked over by Lee, then KittenToes and finally Bella before we took our first cut. I then wandered around the stage shooting the participants in various stages of between takes using my vast knowledge of porn to shoot the behind-the-scenes footage (thanks Shane’s World!) which turned out to be just as amusing and fun as shooting the actual video. During setup of the first scene, one of the top-heavy lights got tipped and as it fell over to certain doom amidst the protesting panicked voices, I reached out and grabbed it just in the nick of time. Viper asked “You didn’t play baseball again because WHY?” Nobody was more surprised by that display of reflexes than me. We barely got done in time, as one of the strippers made a mach 3 exit when she stepped into the room during filming through the side door, but we shot the last scene with the saran wrap and skedaddled the fuck out in the last 10 minutes of club time we had remaining. I also got to say that we had one hell of a great audience because when we were shooting, we didn’t hear a single peep out of them; now when we STOPPED shooting, Viper had to chastise them to stop poking Lily until the shoot was over, but all in all, that was a great crowd. I won’t describe the video shoot itself because most of it has been recorded and will be viewable in its near-full entirety, but it was a blast and Jeff was absolutely amazed at the quality of what was shot, and coming from one of the original producers, that makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over, but in that totally Platonic way.
“Fucked Up Like Clownsex”
After the party, it was time to recharge our batteries, and I filed out late enough that I had to be the late edition on an already bursting carpool: TicklChgo’s entourage of DVNC, Libertine, KittenToes, and Bella. TickleChgo was AWESOME enough to give let me ride along, because talk about being the sixth wheel on a tricycle, I felt like the foreign exchange student in the Cool Kids Crowd. The destination was a place called Jon’s (more on that spelling later) and at first we followed Max and Jeff until they had to split up for his place first, and we were en route to the restaurant courtesy of DVNC’s GPS to guide the way. Unfortunately, Jersey’s civic roadwork is so massive in its fucked-upitude (it has more one-way streets than Paris) that it even screwed with the GPS system and led poor Chgo on a wild goose chase for the elusive 6th Street. About 30 minutes into the search I began to get carsick again, and I really have to apologize to poor Andy because I became a very ungracious guest the sicker I became (I turn into a very rude and impatient motherfucker when I get nauseous), and he put up with me, misdirection, and mortal fear as the evil Jersey God sent us into the depths of Camden, a place you don’t want to go to with anything less than a platoon of tanks and then got us winding around inside that neighborhood. I was so nauseous that I didn’t even notice how much danger we were in—reread DVNC’s mention about the guy on the street packing heat—until afterward when my head and stomach cleared. Even the unflappable DVNC became nervous and flustered, and in his anxiety uttered the hilarious phrase “This is fucked up like clownsex.” Four fruitless cell phone calls later and a wonderfully merciful tollbooth operator consultation later, we were on our way!...to the most crowded fucking streets I’ve ever seen outside of a Calcutta soccer riot. We parked about four blocks away from the restaurant and had to hoof it, with Libertine still in full costume, and as we arrived at the destination, we discovered one of the 3 main reasons for why we got lost: the search that DVNC typed in was Jon’s with an “H” and that spelling alone sent us God knows where. The meal was actually pretty good, and later we were joined by Max, Jeff, Crystal, Enny, ASU, LeeAllure, BrightEyes1082, Tamia78, and others and made a social event out of it. I myself sat in awe as the NEST super-team discussed NEST matters from back yon, like a kid hearing Santa Claus talk about his past adventures. After the dinner concluded, we walked back to the car and THIS time, we decided to follow somebody who knew the straightest line to the hotel: Necia and Spotman. And as we followed them, Andy noticed that Necia had her feet propped up on the dashboard, possibly deliberately, much to Andy’s unbearable frustration. He couldn’t take it anymore and called in to Spotman on his cellphone and said “Will you fucking DO something about that please?!” The ride back was smooth and easy and fun, and full of great conversation. I was actually pissed when we got to the hotel and had to break up.
Post-Script: On the way back to the car, we passed a bar where a young blonde woman with a green shirt and a pink purse saw us and then subtly pointed at us to her friend and I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN I fucking heard this: “*something something something* tickle fetish party…” I just about did a fucking triple take and said to Chgo “DID YOU FUCKING HEAR THAT?” Apparently nobody seriously believe that I heard what I heard, but I would’ve bet my left testicle (if it still worked) that I did. I still stand by that I did.
Who’s Your Mommy?
The relationship between LeeAllure and BrightEyes1082 has been subject to much conjecture due to the powerful hold our favorite sadist has on her, but somebody (as was regaled to me my Bella I think) had mentioned earlier that having seen the 2 of them together commented “Now I know who the mommy is.” Well, after I parted ways with the dinner crowd, I wandered into the courtyard still dragging my gear behind me to meet up with everybody. Mairead barely stifled a hearty guffaw as she saw me approach: “How come every time you show up you look like you just walked across 5 states?” So of course, I had to back up and re-enter the scene stumbling and fumbling like a dying deer gasping and panting: “Blizzards! Floods! Hurricanes! Amway Salesmen! It was horrible!” I collapsed on the fence in full character and then somebody made a humorous comment to which I responded “I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A DAYTIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING PERFORMANCE AND YOU’RE RUINING IT!” LOL. Lee and Viper showed up and then the discussion came about reviewing the footage I shot. Lee was also interested in cameras as I was the only one who owned an HD camera and Viper was also interested in a consultation as well.
So off we went towards a room with Lee, BrightEyes, Viper, Corry, and Kjiron and later Snail Shell congregated and spent about a good half an hour looking up cameras on various websites. Viper and Corry eventually left and Snail Shell showed up, and then things started to kick off (and I got some photos to prove it!), and even BrightEyes in her jammies didn’t save her. We attacked her on all fronts, in spite of all the squealing and protesting, some of which was familiar (“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! I DON’T WANNA!”) and some of it brand new thanks to the sheer evilness of our endeavor and when Lee started giving orders for her to lie out and take it: “I’LL GET THE MOB! I’LL GET THE MOB!” and “I’LL CALL MY DADDY! I’LL CALL MY DADDY ON YOU!” Extreme fatigue was no match for Lee’s determination to torture her little charge. Eventually, Lee pinned Snail and I pinned BrightEyes and we both went to town for a delicious yet short period. But, all good things must come to an end and Lee and BE had to return to their home and I had to get to bed (eventually), but prying a snuggling BE from Snail’s open-shirted embrace was harder than it seemed. As we walked out with Lee and BE leading the way, watching BE walking hand in hand with Lee wearing jammies and a backpack, I thought to myself: “Yeah, now I DO know who the mommy is.”
I returned to the courtyard where I hung out with DVNC, Bella, Enny, Mairead, AffectionateDan, Alchemy, Gabe, and Icycle where I witnessed Bella and Enny working over (guess who?) Mairead, and later the “fucked up juice” comment. But most deliciously of all, I also witnessed Bella converging on Enny. Now, what you have to understand is that Enny’s armpits are a radioactive-no-no spot; absolutely unbearably ticklish. Yet, in that magical way that only Bella can muster, DVNC, ASU held Enny’s arms apart and BELLA…strutting up in that way she does when she has a helpless girl in her crosshairs (as you can see on the NEST video coming soon!)…leans in…and starts…NIBBLING on Enny’s armpits. The sheer shriekitude alone was enough to put a dent in Mairead’s tough demeanor and replace it with the “Jesus Fucking Christ Eyes”. DVNC looked at her and said with a smile “You’re next.” Mairead quickly countered with the biggest “unh-unh” head shake she could muster.
MONDAY
Breakfast of Champeens
Well, now comes the truly final moment of NEST, the one that truly says it’s over: Monday breakfast. This time, I was on time and rode in the MTPJeff Playermobile with Mairead, Crystal, and DVNC to the diner. Everybody arrived en masse and took up seats; I sat with Avenger, Chaneda, and aylajade15 as we waited for the wait staff to take our orders. Not to be a nesting Nancy, Lee got up and went from table to table asking everyone how their weekend went and what they’d like to see happen next year. What a trooper. Then, while everyone waited for the food to arrive, various folks from all over stood up and started taking pictures (look what I started eh?). Now, Avenger had been nursing a cough through the weekend and now added to his troubles was a sore spot in his flank courtesy of the flailing Bella at the event. I said something apparently so funny it sent him into a gelt of laughter that was as hard as any I’d heard coming off of Crystal or irishgirl and he had trouble breathing. So what did I do? I kept going. I stood up during his outrageous outburst and yelled out: “Rectum? Damn near killed him!” the worst punchline to the world’s oldest sex joke, giving it a worthy context. Unfortunately I can’t for the life of me remember what else I said that kept the joke going as it was all improvisational. But this kept up for an additional minute before finally he called out in a pained gasp “RED! RED!” And there was much table banging and rejoicing, as well as bizarre stares from the other guests at the other tables.
The Great TickleChgo once again nabbed the check to thunderous applause (I had at least hoped to get the tip), and soon we all got up to leave. This is the hardest part because not all of us are going back to the hotel, so this actually was goodbye for many of us until next year. Tickleshotel was the first one I saw with full eyes, so I gave her a hug and then turned her over to Snail (I think) for another. Enny was nearly bawling and was quickly surrounded by a group of attendees. As we all gathered outside, Lee stepped up and stood on the elevated cement walk and corralled us all together for a group photo, possibly the first one in NEST history. Awesome!
Voyeurs, Victims, & The Last HaHa
Hitching a ride back in the same Playermobile, we rode back to the hotel and then checked out of our respective rooms. We then mingled in the courtyard and shot the breeze while the masochistic Enny sat on Jeff’s lap. Eventually, shenanigans ensued as Jeff tossed Enny into ASU’s arms and he lifted her over his head while Jeff went to town on her ribs. Afterwards, ASU turned his room over to Libertine so they could stash their stuff in there until they left in the evening, and that’s when we (Viper, Jeff, Crystal, Mairead, Corry, Me, ASU, Enny, TicklerBart, later Libertine and KittenToes) all congregated to view the video footage I shot. I broke out my laptop and Viper beat the hell out of Vista to make it work. It first looked as though we’d have to watch it on the LCD screen until I remembered that I had Premiere Pro 2.0 installed, and then we opened it and watched it through there. Jeff was nearly salivating at what he saw and there was much complimenting. The video inspired running commentary and talk about how much money the clips4sale owner is making (lol). Well, after that, KittenToes loaded a foot video from the internet she did, much to our amusement and Crystal and Mairead’s surprise. Then, Libertine whipped out a DVD of his demo reel and I practically tore his arm off getting it into the DVD player. Libertine mainstream video footage? Hilarious? Possibly. Dramatic? Mebbe. Awesome? Hellz yeah. I’m still waiting for my copy of that reel Libertine. I WANNIT!
What else is there to do after video awesomeness? PLAY of course! And the subject of victimhood waaaaaas: Mairead. ASU and Enny mounted her and wrapped her legs and found something interesting under her pant legs: FEET! Apparently she was hiding a set the entire time! Now I finally got to see full-on Mairead attack, and IT. WAS. AWESOME. Mairead has the LEAST effective deterrents to being attacked; in fact, when she tries, it invites even MORE punishment. Enny gets into her with her nails while ASU takes his fingers between her toes, and all Mairead can say is “sumbiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! Ooooooh GRR!GRR!GRR!GRR!GRR!” (machine gun “grrs”, how cute. And INEFFECTIVE!) Well, now that her head was buried in the pillow and couldn’t see me coming, I approached and pulled out my Sonicare and proffered its use to them. Now, Mairead usually doesn’t like tools, but this may have been the only chance I had to sneak up on her without getting pummeled, so I couldn’t resist. I couldn’t get to her neck of course, and it wasn’t my scene, so I decided to go for the space in between her toes, WHICH, according to her, is unbearable (a word I especially like), which Enny was kind enough to hold open for me. With the word “oh noooooo-oooooooo-ooooooo” acting as my drumroll, I positioned the head just above the spot and then turned it on at point blank range…
*SHRIEK*“OHMYGODWHATHEFUCKISTHATONMYFEET??!!!!!????”
Well, now it was on, and Enny handled it deftly as though torturing girls was her natural pastime (if it wasn’t before it certainly could be now). I stood back and let them work, taking advantage of any new jolts and squeaks to make funny comments, one of which knocked the mighty Rhino on his back leaving Enny to handle the Giggling Giant all by herself, of which she proved more than capable. Crystal, having already endured a Jeff-Enny collaboration, sat silently but enthralled next to Jeff. When it was all over, Mairead wound up sprawled out in ASU’s arms, which I felt resembled an image out of neoclassical religious paintings; I prodded Libertine and said “That’s incredible. It’s almost like a sculpture; like a pieta.” Libertine glanced at the two of them and said “Yeah, only it’s moving and no one’s dead.” Benefits of a classical education. Starting then, Mairead was coming to and then started snarking back and forth with ASU over the un/naturalness of the shape of his toes. After this session, Mairead rarely went anywhere without clutching her pillow to her chest like a security blanket.
Well, all good things must come to an end, and the first victims of Airportitis were ASU and Enny. With a tearful goodbye, Jeff took them to the airport, leaving Mairead and Crystal “With THIS guy.” Me alone with Crystal and Mairead…a chance for VILLAINY YOU SAY?! Well, not really. I just packed up my stuff, we shot the breeze (I figured they had had enough punishment for five weekends at this point anyway) and we watched Ghost]/I] on TV. When Jeff came back, they all gathered their stuff and left, and I grabbed my stuff and headed for the lobby to grab a shuttle. However, when I made it, I saw the Trio of Torture walking to Jeff’s car and thought: “ah fuck it, there might be room for me” and ran outside. Sure enough, there was room and Mad Max MTP gave us a lift to the airport. He dropped The Brat off first and then me and Crystal both got off at the NWA terminal. Once we checked in, we both had about 2 hours to wait until our flights took off, so we wandered to duty-free area looking for cigarettes (which we couldn’t get, so I bought her some gum) and then after we passed through security (I had so much packing and unpacking to do that the additional security search was completed before I had even tied my shoes), we sat at my gate and ate and reviewed the weekend in one last Ha-Ha before it was time for me to board. This is how the weekend ends, not with a bang, but with a hug and a few whispers.
B]Super-Awesome Newbies[/B]
It has to be said this year that there was a crop of tremendously awesome newbies in attendance, and they NEED to be mentioned here to the best of my memory: Anime-locks Kjiron, Baldadonis, the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeliciously sweet Tamia78, Magnificent Jarrat, Avenger’s lovely beau Aylajade15, Captain Benderrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, and the impossible-to-forget TickleEmperor: the tiny newly Christened mascot of NEST who’s diminutive frame houses a heart three sizes too large.
RANDOM MOMENTS
“Professor Xavier I have a question…”
Those in attendance last year may recall from the Newbie Orientation (or recollections of) my now infamous Alien 3 remark made when Libertine schooled me for stepping out of line. I decided to revisit the anniversary with another famous comment about awesome shaven-headed men of whom I am jealous. This time, I snuck into the orientation and waited for the reading of the rules to finish; since I was no longer a newbie, I was no longer in a position to read the rules anymore, as it is largely participatory and intended to initiate new attendees. When it was over, Libertine asked if there were any questions, and I raised my hand. Despite his better judgment, he called on me to ask, and I said “Yes, Professor Xavier I had a question…” and the room collapsed in a familiar cacophony of uproarious tension-breaking laughter. After that, I took my little bow and stepped out, leaving the serious moments to return. Sometime lesser is more.
Snail Shell and Amanda “I Leave You Kids Alone for 5 Minutes…”
One of the 2 classes I tried to attend simultaneously was Snail Shell’s bondage-free wrestling restraint class, which consisted of him demonstrating a series of innuendo-heavy yet legitimate wrestling moves designed to subdue a resistant ‘lee so they may not escape their justly deserved punishment. As a subject, he picked BrightEyes1082, and proceeded to perform Cirque du Soleil-quality rolls and tumbles that successfully pinned the crazy-eyed newbie. Of course, he also demonstrated their effectiveness by tickling her in each position, much to the amusement of the crowd. When he demonstrated a mounting hold that just OOOZED suggestiveness, I just wandered over and said “I leave you kids alone for 5 minutes, and look at what you get yourselves into!”
The Lumberjacket
Mairead waltzed into the hotel event room wearing a red flannel jacket with a fuzzy collar. When I saw this, I COULD NOT GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD (sing it if you know): IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’M a lumberjack and I’m o-kay, I sleep all night and I work all day… I shared it with Jeff, Venray, Crystal and ASU, who then cursed me behind their laughter for getting the song in THEIR heads too. Hence, I then dubbed it The Lumberjacket.
“I’m a Little Teapot”
As Jeff is likely to tell you, I can be counted on to emerge from nowhere, make a random, spontaneous and hilarious comment on the situation at hand using the people as props, and then vanish into the mists as quickly as I came. Actually, it’s almost exactly like this:
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Unfortunately, as the nature of these jokes is improvisational, I’ve forgotten most of them, but this one was so successful I couldn’t forget it. At Family Guy trivia night, Jeff was supporting a recently spent Crystal (this is soon after the “cavity” comment) who was in ragdoll mode. He had just brought her back from the fetal position and she was trying to talk to Mairead with her limpy hands when I couldn’t help myself: “Hey Jeff, check this out.” Then I put my hands on her shoulders and gently tilted her back, and with her hands in mid-air tipped her to the side saying “I’m a little teapot, short and stout…” Jeff almost dropped her he was laughing so hard.
The Sonicare Doesn’t Work
At the main event, while Avenger was off assisting in the kidnapping of Kjiron, his beau aylajade15 (who has the most ticklish head in the world) waltzed up to my dehydrated ass at the bar and asked me quite rhetorically why I carried an electric toothbrush. When I asked why she made such a silly question she commented that it doesn’t work on her. A CHALLENGE! DUNH-DUNH-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN! So off I went to follow her to her seat where Avenger, having just returned from restraining the neon pink abductee, showed me that the sonicare does in fact NOT work. In fact, the place it works the LEAST is apparently her nose, and to demonstrate, he held her head firmly in place while I tested his assertion. Sure enough, the Sonicare DIDN’T work. In fact, it didn’t work so well that 2 whole Arms of Futility were necessary to express its ineffectiveness. She finally broke free (apparently from boredom) and rubbed the numb olfactory organ vigorously to bring it back to life. When Avenger tried to embrace her she shrieked and flurried at him: “EEE! DON’T TOUCH ME! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!” Nope. Sonicare didn’t work AT. ALL.
“Bon Voyageee!”
Somebody got kidnapped on Saturday as I was standing in the conference center, and I ran after them and I stopped at the door and in my nod to Bugs Bunny said: “Goodbyeeeee! Don’t forget to wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!” DVNC almost choked on his snacks for the first of 11 times that weekend as a result of me.
Whipping Pinky Lee
Pinky Lee was the adorable assistant of bondage maestro Craig Nelson. Endlessly perky and smiley, she was approached by Libertine during a brief bit of banter a few of us were having and he asked her “Have you ever been wrapped?” Avenger, who was beside me enthusiastically encouraged her to take him up on his offer. Apparently, wrapping is a whipping term where, like in the swashbuckling movies, you lash someone with a whip in such a way that it snaps/pops and ensnares them without hurting them. She perked up at the chance and we all cleared the hell out of the way. With grace and Errol Flynn-like flair, Libertine snapped his bullwhip and POP! Wrapped the lithe Lee in leather much to her delight “It feels like a hug!” she cheerily chirped. THAT was a sight.
Libertine Impersonation Theater
You’ll find no two bigger hams at NEST than Avenger and myself, and during the Hallway Party we took it upon ourselves to ham it up by impersonating the resident thespian Libertine. My haphazard impression of him during my Shenanigans podcast inspired Avenger to try his hand at it and then to best me at it. Avenger’s emphasis was on the grandeur of Libertine’s presence, whereas I attempted to replicate the authenticity of his voice and mannerisms. It was a stalemate as neither of us had enough merit to truly trump the other; the best moment was when I parodied Avenger’s grand lowered cupped hand gesture with a commentary: “You need the lowered hand so that I may crush your testicles when I hear you impersonate me.” Nevertheless, we waged back and forth for about 10 minutes, until I finally killed the moment with a magnificent idea: let’s knock on Libertine’s door and relay our shtick to him as he opens it. Avenger summed up that idea best: “That is a spectacularly BAD idea!” When someone brought up my Libertine impression later on when KittenToes was right there in Jamie’s room, I nervously did it only to have her dismiss it humorously with “That doesn’t sound like him.”
Big John Attacks Venraya
Big John is the most lovably intimidating man at NEST, and I never pass up a chance to see him work with his massive powerful God-hands, or to goad him into using them on the unsuspecting ‘lee in front of him. Needless to say, this kind of ruins his game, and derails the smooth macking characteristic of his nature. Thankfully, he did this on his own. At Family Guy trivia night, he snared Venraya against the wall, in spite of trying to hide behind someone else, and brought her TO THE FUCKING FLOOR with his hands. Venrya’s face was a tapestry of ticklish AGONY and she was reduced to a hilarious and addictive yipping noise (“Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!”) as she curled up under the standing legs of her ineffective human shield. Later he got Bella the same way, and it was…*sniff* frickin’ beautiful man!
The Live-action .GIF
One of the things about me that confuses the hell out of people is that I will turn down a ripe tickling opportunity for the sake of a joke. In the courtyard after the event, before I went to Lee’s room with Viper, I managed to get close enough to Mairead to make a reach for her neck. Now, at this point I had the chance to actually TICKLE HER…or milk the ATTEMPT to tickle her for comedic value. Guess which one won. Slowly and deliberately, I raised my extended finger towards her until she noticed it out of her peripheral vision and after a “don’t even think about it” look, swung her forearm down and smacked my hand away. This immediately called for me to DO IT AGAIN. SLAP! Do it again…SLAP! Do it again…SLAP! At least 6 times and with such amazingly accurate repetition that it was like a live-action .GIF and when I told Viper about it, he offered to actually photograph it. Mairead’s response? “Mrah.” (which means “no”)
Well, that about does it for me this year as far as full-blown overdone self-indulgent NEST threads go. I’ve missed out on a lot of back-and-forth trying to write this out so I got catching up to do. Once again, I got to give super-ultra-mega-props to the following people: TickleChgo for being awesome and giving me a ride and not kicking my ass when I got rude; for Libertine for being Libertine and for showing us his demo reel; MTP Jeff and Viper for letting me part of NEST history and giving me back the flame of life that I thought had extinguished 6 years ago; Lily for being a better storyteller than I am and for being one of the perkiest attendees we had; Tamia78 for giving me inspiration to think of new horrible things to do to you next year; aylajade15 for those AWESOME photographs; Classy for finally saying “Yes”; DVNC for…Jesus Christ, this thread is long enough brother, I don’t need to add another 7 pages, but let’s just say for being the cat that you is; TickleEmperor for being, as Viper said it, the Spirit of NEST present and future; Bella for being the Mom I don’t feel dirty for doing naughty things to; Kjiron and Jarrat for being hella entertaining; Bride of Dracula and beau for giving me a lift; Max Speer for giving me a reason to live every year…
And LEEALLURE for WORKING HER FUCKING ASS OFF TO DELIVER WHAT MAY BE THE GREATEST NEST EVER! WOO-HOO!
Once again, all these recollections are from my perspective. As I was not there for everything, there’s lots I missed out on, so feel free to add to it. I’m out guys.
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