CrystalLight
Level of Raspberry Feather
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2008
- Messages
- 15,941
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A Satire brought to you by TMF's own:
Marquis De Sade, Dave2112, Brighteyes1082, CrystalLight, AffectionateDan, Robace252 and who knows who else!
Can you guess who wrote what? The paragraphs are all spread out in vain attempt to combine such dope persona's. Good luck. I forgot halfway through editing this.
DISCLAIMER: I had so many awesome personalities contributing to this for me, that I could barely tie it together. So, sit back, empty your mind (like we kinda did) and enjoy.
----------------------
Holy Jesus FUCK on a motorcycle. I never came that hard in my life! I mean, you would have thought that a clown and a monkey would throw the mood, but sometimes life just throws you a curve…and you make lemonade. I spent my whole life thinking that tickling was just some fun little pastime, and now, with the lifeless form of my now-ex girlfriend lying beneath me…I realize that it can make you feel….so…powerful. I feel a slight twinge of regret, she WAS a nice girl….but DAMN this was fun. Death by Tickling, whoda thunk it?
As I drove down the street, struggling to butter my bagel and focus on not rear ending the douche bag in front of me who is driving a fucking LEXUS at like... 5 miles an hour..
Fool...
I look away for TWO seconds and -
The earth split into two and all the Fish People clambered out banging away at their tambourines and they were all like, "WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" And the National Army were like, "What're your demands?" But it turns out they hadn't thought that far ahead.
Which normally happens on Wednesdays...but today was Friday..I felt confused..when I feel confused I try to reflect on deep meanings of life..
Which always leads me to..
Do monkey's do the buga-loo?
That is often what is asked at costume parties. While people parade in their muskrat costumes others play a game of leap-pin the tail on the people playing charades. This is really fun they often shout as they are pricked in the ass. Ass-munching is actually carpet munching in reverse. The benefits of knowing the difference will matter most in the dark.
The last thing you ever want to devour is THOSE brownies.
Where was I?
Oh, right.. The Fish people were fucking my ex girlfriend while playing Skip Bo with the National Army..
Isn't it the National Guard?
I digress..
I couldn't lose that talking horse. He keeps coming around and following me everywhere. I had to be careful or he was going to catch onto the fact that I accidentally on purpose killed my ex girlfriend by tickling her to death..(Hey, what can I say.. She triple dog dared me that I couldn't do it!)
But I also didn't want him figuring out my most recent scientific discovery. And that was that -
Other necessary flotation devices include but are not limited too: A yeti, rancid mashed potatoes, and the best selling pamphlet "How to make great love to a woman" written by the French for the French. Did you know that the reason the crack of your ass goes up and down instead of sideways is that so you don't mumble while sliding downhill or on a slide. Masking tape and milk is not a proper breakfast.
All of those thoughts made me think of a dream that I had involving that other guy's girlfriend.. But he doesn't know me, which is good because it was a really dirty dream..basically what it involved was ..
The room was dark, but for the flickering light that poured forth from the muted TV. Bright, bright, shadow, bright, shadow. Slowly my eyes grew used to the change from the bright hall. In that cathode light I could clearly see her. She was tied to the bed, in a classic "Y" position. The flashing screen's images clearly lit her helpless feet. It Splashed over them, caressing them in it's touch-less wash. Highlighted the details.
She was there just as they promised. And I couldn't help but jump up and down, clapping my hands like a douche as I screeched,
"Mine! Mine!"
She had long toes. Gods I love long toes. They were being so good to me. Truly they must have loved my work. No, I know they loved my work...what work was that?
I don't remember..but..it was really good.
I knelt at the foot of the bed, my own special form of prayer, and prepared for sacrament. Her laughter would bless me, wash away my sins. Make me whole again.
And if that doesn't work? I'll freaking suck it up, drink myself stupid and look for my next target. But before I did all that, it was already time for breakfast..
What to eat..?
Cardboard is needed for roughage. Definitely.
So whilst I was chewing on the box that my brand new strap on came in, I pondered the deep meaning of life, and why the hell I was in the same area as Celine Dion..
I told Celine Dion to move, but there she is, on the hood of my car. I honked but was instead assaulted by a flock of geese, not to be confused with a Flock of Seagulls which was both a musical group and member of the TMF. I like sweaty corn flakes. And remember, juice tastes best when your naked and share it with friends.
If this makes sense to you, you need help.
Wait..what the hell?
OK, I’m gonna have to take care of the clown. He’s already dropped his feathers and backed away from her still feet…eying me carefully with those beady little eyes and big red nose…his floppy-ass feet paddling back wards. Don’t worry, clown….your time is coming. The monkey is safe. He won’t talk, they never do. You can teach a monkey to tickle a girl’s armpits, but you can’t make him sing Streisand. They’ll never get me. Ever. And then…I cando this any…time…I…want.
There are also a couple of giant robots made of foam and wearing Japanese Kimonos. Both are named Mary. They enjoyed watching Court TV and long walks on the beach, but of course tickling most of all..
So then..
I was like, "OMG! NO FREEEAKIN' WAY MAN!!" And I laughed the whole way down and it sucked balls hard because I'm just so darn ticklish and as I was laughing right up until the point of impact and then I died and the bird crawled outta my ass and ate all the Fish People because that's what birds do they eat fish and so the National Guard went home and made their families picnics and I met my dead tickled girlfriend in hell who was really pissed at me and was like, "Now it's time to turn the tables Man whore!" And I was like, "WHAT?! OMG How did you know about Jennifer?!" And she was like, "Because the bitch is here too bitch!" And I was like, "Crap. This is gonna suck balls so hard man."
And it did. It really did.
It’s not gonna work…I just know it. I mean…I’ve seen it done a thousand times….but I just don’t think this girl is gonna go for it. She was down with the mayonnaise, and I can smell it dripping of her long legs…pungent and creamy….beckoning me with its eggy goodness. The three hockey pucks? No problem. It’s not like I’m ever gonna use them again anyway. Although….the just might slide on the ice a little better now….NO! Don’t get distracted! You can make this happen. She took the fishing lures….she even giggled at the idea of a flea collar. But this? This was gonna be sweet. And it doesn’t matter if she wants it or not…fate brought us here. Fate….and a long trip to the fish market
Just as the clown pulled out a samurai sword and declared Jihad on my ass, the floor gave way and it turns out we were in a giant airplane. We fell at a bazillion miles per hour hurtling toward the Fish People below us and the National Guard and I had to fight off the clown as well as the bird who could fly so he had an unfair advantage but couldn't really because penguins just waddle like in that movie with that guy who talked a lot but anyway it wound up crawling into my mouth and attacking my insides with an ancient Kung Fu move that blocked my flow of natural Che and the clown and I really started to get into it and it turns out the samurai sword was actually a humongous feather!!
And then I sat down and read the paper..this to my horrible shock was what I read;
Mutual of Omigahd's "Wild Kingdom"- Hunting the French Poodle on Rodeo Drive.
Hello, and welcome to Mutual of Omigahd's "Wild Kingdom", I'm your host, Marlin Perkins. Join me, and my assistant, Jim Fowler, as we track the wily and elusive French Poodle on Rodeo Drive.
Thank you, Marlin. We're armed, this morning, with these high-powered, Lithuanian over-and-under aluminum crossbows, with projectiles featuring razor-sharp tips that should be able to easily rip right through the tender neck tissue of these tease-haired, sniveling poodles. I'll be driving the DeLorean, with Marlin poised on the roof, ready for the first shot.
And luck seems to be with us! A poodle has just stepped out of a salon onto Rodeo Drive, and we've got the sun behind us with no wind to give us away. Oh, but whoops! Nasty luck with the brakes there, Marlin! Sorry! It seems as though my stupid driving mistake as cause Marlin's shot to go wide, and now the poodle is attacking! Looks like we'll have to take this long, steel rod and beat the intestines outta the little bugger! Take that, Fifi! *whang!* Gotcha! Right on the ribbon!
Well, while Marlin is busy tying this one to the hood, I'll reload and see if we can't bag another before sundown. Join us next time, won't you, when we'll be hunting for baby ducks, with large, flat rocks! Ha! Cheerio, and g'day!
I am never reading the newspaper again.
I wrote a poem about love..wanna hear it?
Of course you do.
But there is Love.
There always is.
Hidden in the face of a child, carried on the cool spring breeze.
It may not be perfect,
and it may not be what they told you it would be when you were young and
still picking your nose….
But it’s real.
It drives you, inspires you and makes you get up off your fat ass and pay attention to that bloated piece of crap you married twenty years ago. Even though you just want to carve her with a butcher’s knife into pieces small enough to fit through a chain link fence….you still love her. It’s the kind of love that keeps you centered…focused..
…and out of Man Prison.
The New York Times wouldn't take it to post. I'm still trying to figure out why.
I appear to be at the end of my explosive tale of ..well.. This is a true story. So.. Does that make it a biography?
No, wait.. Okay..One last true story for the road.. This actually happened between my two BFFAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEs.. I just sat and watched, cus I have no one.
Maybe I need to check craigslist..
Anyhoodles!
She sneaked up on her boyfriend and tickled his sides. He ran in front of her and sneaked up on her and tickled her neck with the makeup brush he carried in his pocket at all times. She got super pissed at that and punched him in the face. Blood started spurting out of his nose. She felt really bad after that. (REFRESH)
Why refresh?
Cuz I can. THAT'S WHY!
She got some cotton balls and stuffed them in his nostrils to stop the bleeding. She put some ice on his nose. Then she fell asleep. He woke her up by tickling her with the ice. "hee hee hee hee haa haah haa stop that tickles so much!" (REFRESH) This time, to retaliate, she put his ankles in handcuffs and put peanut butter all over his feet. Then she brought in their pet goat to lick it all off. He squealed and squirmed and giggled because he's very feminine. (REFRESH)
The end.
Please send lots and lots of comments right now! If you don't, I will bump this 10 times a day until you do!
* Thank you to all of you who helped and inspired the funniest work of art ..EVER.
Marquis De Sade, Dave2112, Brighteyes1082, CrystalLight, AffectionateDan, Robace252 and who knows who else!
Can you guess who wrote what? The paragraphs are all spread out in vain attempt to combine such dope persona's. Good luck. I forgot halfway through editing this.
DISCLAIMER: I had so many awesome personalities contributing to this for me, that I could barely tie it together. So, sit back, empty your mind (like we kinda did) and enjoy.
----------------------
Holy Jesus FUCK on a motorcycle. I never came that hard in my life! I mean, you would have thought that a clown and a monkey would throw the mood, but sometimes life just throws you a curve…and you make lemonade. I spent my whole life thinking that tickling was just some fun little pastime, and now, with the lifeless form of my now-ex girlfriend lying beneath me…I realize that it can make you feel….so…powerful. I feel a slight twinge of regret, she WAS a nice girl….but DAMN this was fun. Death by Tickling, whoda thunk it?
As I drove down the street, struggling to butter my bagel and focus on not rear ending the douche bag in front of me who is driving a fucking LEXUS at like... 5 miles an hour..
Fool...
I look away for TWO seconds and -
The earth split into two and all the Fish People clambered out banging away at their tambourines and they were all like, "WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" And the National Army were like, "What're your demands?" But it turns out they hadn't thought that far ahead.
Which normally happens on Wednesdays...but today was Friday..I felt confused..when I feel confused I try to reflect on deep meanings of life..
Which always leads me to..
Do monkey's do the buga-loo?
That is often what is asked at costume parties. While people parade in their muskrat costumes others play a game of leap-pin the tail on the people playing charades. This is really fun they often shout as they are pricked in the ass. Ass-munching is actually carpet munching in reverse. The benefits of knowing the difference will matter most in the dark.
The last thing you ever want to devour is THOSE brownies.
Where was I?
Oh, right.. The Fish people were fucking my ex girlfriend while playing Skip Bo with the National Army..
Isn't it the National Guard?
I digress..
I couldn't lose that talking horse. He keeps coming around and following me everywhere. I had to be careful or he was going to catch onto the fact that I accidentally on purpose killed my ex girlfriend by tickling her to death..(Hey, what can I say.. She triple dog dared me that I couldn't do it!)
But I also didn't want him figuring out my most recent scientific discovery. And that was that -
Other necessary flotation devices include but are not limited too: A yeti, rancid mashed potatoes, and the best selling pamphlet "How to make great love to a woman" written by the French for the French. Did you know that the reason the crack of your ass goes up and down instead of sideways is that so you don't mumble while sliding downhill or on a slide. Masking tape and milk is not a proper breakfast.
All of those thoughts made me think of a dream that I had involving that other guy's girlfriend.. But he doesn't know me, which is good because it was a really dirty dream..basically what it involved was ..
The room was dark, but for the flickering light that poured forth from the muted TV. Bright, bright, shadow, bright, shadow. Slowly my eyes grew used to the change from the bright hall. In that cathode light I could clearly see her. She was tied to the bed, in a classic "Y" position. The flashing screen's images clearly lit her helpless feet. It Splashed over them, caressing them in it's touch-less wash. Highlighted the details.
She was there just as they promised. And I couldn't help but jump up and down, clapping my hands like a douche as I screeched,
"Mine! Mine!"
She had long toes. Gods I love long toes. They were being so good to me. Truly they must have loved my work. No, I know they loved my work...what work was that?
I don't remember..but..it was really good.
I knelt at the foot of the bed, my own special form of prayer, and prepared for sacrament. Her laughter would bless me, wash away my sins. Make me whole again.
And if that doesn't work? I'll freaking suck it up, drink myself stupid and look for my next target. But before I did all that, it was already time for breakfast..
What to eat..?
Cardboard is needed for roughage. Definitely.
So whilst I was chewing on the box that my brand new strap on came in, I pondered the deep meaning of life, and why the hell I was in the same area as Celine Dion..
I told Celine Dion to move, but there she is, on the hood of my car. I honked but was instead assaulted by a flock of geese, not to be confused with a Flock of Seagulls which was both a musical group and member of the TMF. I like sweaty corn flakes. And remember, juice tastes best when your naked and share it with friends.
If this makes sense to you, you need help.
Wait..what the hell?
OK, I’m gonna have to take care of the clown. He’s already dropped his feathers and backed away from her still feet…eying me carefully with those beady little eyes and big red nose…his floppy-ass feet paddling back wards. Don’t worry, clown….your time is coming. The monkey is safe. He won’t talk, they never do. You can teach a monkey to tickle a girl’s armpits, but you can’t make him sing Streisand. They’ll never get me. Ever. And then…I cando this any…time…I…want.
There are also a couple of giant robots made of foam and wearing Japanese Kimonos. Both are named Mary. They enjoyed watching Court TV and long walks on the beach, but of course tickling most of all..
So then..
I was like, "OMG! NO FREEEAKIN' WAY MAN!!" And I laughed the whole way down and it sucked balls hard because I'm just so darn ticklish and as I was laughing right up until the point of impact and then I died and the bird crawled outta my ass and ate all the Fish People because that's what birds do they eat fish and so the National Guard went home and made their families picnics and I met my dead tickled girlfriend in hell who was really pissed at me and was like, "Now it's time to turn the tables Man whore!" And I was like, "WHAT?! OMG How did you know about Jennifer?!" And she was like, "Because the bitch is here too bitch!" And I was like, "Crap. This is gonna suck balls so hard man."
And it did. It really did.
It’s not gonna work…I just know it. I mean…I’ve seen it done a thousand times….but I just don’t think this girl is gonna go for it. She was down with the mayonnaise, and I can smell it dripping of her long legs…pungent and creamy….beckoning me with its eggy goodness. The three hockey pucks? No problem. It’s not like I’m ever gonna use them again anyway. Although….the just might slide on the ice a little better now….NO! Don’t get distracted! You can make this happen. She took the fishing lures….she even giggled at the idea of a flea collar. But this? This was gonna be sweet. And it doesn’t matter if she wants it or not…fate brought us here. Fate….and a long trip to the fish market
Just as the clown pulled out a samurai sword and declared Jihad on my ass, the floor gave way and it turns out we were in a giant airplane. We fell at a bazillion miles per hour hurtling toward the Fish People below us and the National Guard and I had to fight off the clown as well as the bird who could fly so he had an unfair advantage but couldn't really because penguins just waddle like in that movie with that guy who talked a lot but anyway it wound up crawling into my mouth and attacking my insides with an ancient Kung Fu move that blocked my flow of natural Che and the clown and I really started to get into it and it turns out the samurai sword was actually a humongous feather!!
And then I sat down and read the paper..this to my horrible shock was what I read;
Mutual of Omigahd's "Wild Kingdom"- Hunting the French Poodle on Rodeo Drive.
Hello, and welcome to Mutual of Omigahd's "Wild Kingdom", I'm your host, Marlin Perkins. Join me, and my assistant, Jim Fowler, as we track the wily and elusive French Poodle on Rodeo Drive.
Thank you, Marlin. We're armed, this morning, with these high-powered, Lithuanian over-and-under aluminum crossbows, with projectiles featuring razor-sharp tips that should be able to easily rip right through the tender neck tissue of these tease-haired, sniveling poodles. I'll be driving the DeLorean, with Marlin poised on the roof, ready for the first shot.
And luck seems to be with us! A poodle has just stepped out of a salon onto Rodeo Drive, and we've got the sun behind us with no wind to give us away. Oh, but whoops! Nasty luck with the brakes there, Marlin! Sorry! It seems as though my stupid driving mistake as cause Marlin's shot to go wide, and now the poodle is attacking! Looks like we'll have to take this long, steel rod and beat the intestines outta the little bugger! Take that, Fifi! *whang!* Gotcha! Right on the ribbon!
Well, while Marlin is busy tying this one to the hood, I'll reload and see if we can't bag another before sundown. Join us next time, won't you, when we'll be hunting for baby ducks, with large, flat rocks! Ha! Cheerio, and g'day!
I am never reading the newspaper again.
I wrote a poem about love..wanna hear it?
Of course you do.
But there is Love.
There always is.
Hidden in the face of a child, carried on the cool spring breeze.
It may not be perfect,
and it may not be what they told you it would be when you were young and
still picking your nose….
But it’s real.
It drives you, inspires you and makes you get up off your fat ass and pay attention to that bloated piece of crap you married twenty years ago. Even though you just want to carve her with a butcher’s knife into pieces small enough to fit through a chain link fence….you still love her. It’s the kind of love that keeps you centered…focused..
…and out of Man Prison.
The New York Times wouldn't take it to post. I'm still trying to figure out why.
I appear to be at the end of my explosive tale of ..well.. This is a true story. So.. Does that make it a biography?
No, wait.. Okay..One last true story for the road.. This actually happened between my two BFFAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEs.. I just sat and watched, cus I have no one.
Maybe I need to check craigslist..
Anyhoodles!
She sneaked up on her boyfriend and tickled his sides. He ran in front of her and sneaked up on her and tickled her neck with the makeup brush he carried in his pocket at all times. She got super pissed at that and punched him in the face. Blood started spurting out of his nose. She felt really bad after that. (REFRESH)
Why refresh?
Cuz I can. THAT'S WHY!
She got some cotton balls and stuffed them in his nostrils to stop the bleeding. She put some ice on his nose. Then she fell asleep. He woke her up by tickling her with the ice. "hee hee hee hee haa haah haa stop that tickles so much!" (REFRESH) This time, to retaliate, she put his ankles in handcuffs and put peanut butter all over his feet. Then she brought in their pet goat to lick it all off. He squealed and squirmed and giggled because he's very feminine. (REFRESH)
The end.
Please send lots and lots of comments right now! If you don't, I will bump this 10 times a day until you do!
* Thank you to all of you who helped and inspired the funniest work of art ..EVER.
Last edited by a moderator:
Greatness people!
