The worst jokes you have ever heard,period.

[Bugman]

What do you call a lightningbug who got his butt pinched off? Delighted.:blaugh:

Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits the windshield at 60 mph? His ass.:jester:

What do you call a dog with no legs? It don't matter,he won't come anyway.:manicd:

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water? Bob.:jester:

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs being pulled behind a boat? Skip.:roflmao:



:xpeepsofa

[makeUsquirm]

What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef strokin' off

What's the difference between an airplane and a baby? One goes from city to city, the other goes from titty to titty

Those are probably the two worst, but I'm sure I'll think of more.

[Gothika]

nice those were great thanks:roflmao:

[milagros317]

How do you make a dead baby float?

Soda water, chocolate syrup, and two scoops of dead baby. :eek:

[Redmage]

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm?
A: Reading the speed limit.

[Bugman]

OMG,what have i done here?:roflmao:

[Gothika]

OMG,what have i done here?:roflmao:


u haz created a monster dude mwhahahhahahahha

[featherfingers]

What did Mick Jagger say when he saw Hugh Grant humping Dennis Weaver?

"Hey, Hugh! Get off of McCloud!"

[paracarl44]

How do you know if you are sharing a telephone booth with an elephant?

A: By the smell of peanuts on his breath.



What do you get when you cross a bee with a doorbell?



A: A hum-dinger.

What did the little boy say when he saw the elephants in a parade?

A: "Here come the elephants".

[milagros317]

OMG,what have i done here?:roflmao:

You've invited us to post unfunny, disgusting, offensive jokes. Like:

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork. :eek:

[paracarl44]

You are crossing the desert and you need your camel to drink extra water.
How would you accomplish this?:ermm:


A: While your camel is drinking you walk behind him and bang his testicles between two bricks.


Doesn't that HURT?


A: Not unless you get your fingers between the bricks.:idontwann

[Redmage]

Didya hear the one about the crazy geneticist who crossed Lassie with a cantaloupe? He got a meloncollie baby.

[paracarl44]

A prisoner,while serving his sentence, had a pet cockroach and taught him to talk.

He had big plans for making money with this talking cockroach, on the outside.

He walks into a bar, orders a drink, and calls the bartender over. He shows the bartender the cockroach and says: "See this cockroach".

The bartender slams his hand down on the cockroach and says: "Yes".

[Snail Shell]

My dog's nose fell off.

How does he smell?

Terrible.

Snail Shell

[Bugman]

What do you call four blonds in a freezer? Frosted flakes.:jester:


If four blonds and a monkey are sitting in a tree what do you call the monkey?The branch manager.:blaugh:

How many blonds does it take to make popcorn?Five.One to hold the pot and four to shake the stove.:roflmao:

[tickledgirl]

What do you call a with no arms or legs hanging on a wall? Art.

What do you call a guy with no lower legs? Neil.

What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen.

What happened when the lady backed into the fan? Disaster!


Oh, and this one really works better "live"...until your kids have repeated it umpteen zillion times:

Knock knock. Who's there. Interrupting Cow. Interrupting c--MOO!

[Gothika]

i got some for yaz

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
She wanted to be a nurse.

When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.

What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.

Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?
Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."


Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

What do you say when a dog runs away?
Dog-gone!

[Bugman]

I've opened the portals of joke hell here!I LOVE it!:jester:

[Gothika]

I've opened the portals of joke hell here!I LOVE it!:jester:

u srly did open the portal dude now all theses jokes are flying out and invaiding theee tmf hahahhahahahaha

[Bugman]

A guy was backing out of his driveway and clipped the neighbors cat,severing its tail.In a panic he jumped out of the car,grabbed the cat and tied its tail back on with some string.The lady next door,seeing what was going on called the police.The cops showed up and the man was arrested for..
































retaling pussy on the street.:xpeepsofa

[Gothika]

A guy was backing out of his driveway and clipped the neighbors cat,severing its tail.In a panic he jumped out of the car,grabbed the cat and tied its tail back on with some string.The lady next door,seeing what was going on called the police.The cops showed up and the man was arrested for..



































retaling pussy on the street.:xpeepsofa



hehhehehe nice one dude

[milagros317]

Boy: "Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play baseball with us?"

Mrs. Jones: "You know that Johnny has no arms or legs, how can he possibly play baseball?"

Boy: "I know that. We want to use him for second base."

:eek:

[Gothika]

Boy: "Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play baseball with us?"

Mrs. Jones: "You know that Johnny has no arms or legs, how can he possibly play baseball?"

Boy: "I know that. We want to use him for second base."

:eek:


hehehehehe nice one dude loved it

[Iris]

pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs... bartender says....what's up with that steering wheel Capt pirate replies.. I don't know but it's driving me nuts

[goddess_nemesis]

Where does a penguin keep his money?
In a snow bank.


What did the man say when the picture fell on his head?
I've been framed!


Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!


What happens when two snails fight?
They slug it out.

[tickledgirl]

What did the Zen student say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

[EBunbury]

OK, since somebody already unleashed the dead baby jokes...

Q. What's black, white, and red, and can't turn around in an elevator?

A. A nun with a spear in her back.


Q. What's red and green and goes 200 mph?

A. A frog in a blender.

Boy, junior high was bad!

[badreligion]

What did the leper say to the hooker after they had sex









Keep the tip

[Bugman]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:blaugh:

[kered]

................

[Gothika]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:blaugh:


lol nice one dude loved it

[makeUsquirm]

Here's two more from the bad joke hall of fame:

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear the one about the prostitute who went in for an appendectomy?

They sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

[General Zod]

A baby seal walks into a club :imouttahe

[General Zod]

What were J.F.K Jr's last words?

If you two women don't shut up,I swear I will crash this plane!!!


What are the famous last words of a redneck?

HEY Y"ALL WATCH THIS

[Bugman]

A baby seal walks into a club :imouttahe

Consider yourself banned from this thread General.:p (Just kidding bro) :D

[General Zod]

Consider yourself banned from this thread General.:p (Just kidding bro) :D

Heard that on the Bob and Tom show from 10 years back :p

[General Zod]

One day Mother Teresa is walking around Heaven shortly after she had passed away She was able to get her halo earlier than other people because of her good works with the poor on Earth

One day she sees princess Diana,with what looked like a bigger halo than what Mother Teresa was wearing

Teresa goes to Saint Peter and says"why does lady di have a bigger halo than me?"

"With all the good works I have done,you'd think I'd have a bigger halo than Lady Di"

" I have done more good work in one week than she has done in one year"


Saint Peter looks at Lady Di's halo,then looks at Mother Teresa and says "don't worry,that's not a halo,that's a steering wheel"

[slacker2114]

Two guys walk into a bar. Kinda dumb because when the first hit, the second should have ducked.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. "
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

[AnnieHall]

What is Snoop Dog's favorite type of weather?

The drizzle.

[milagros317]

Saint Peter looks at Lady Di's halo,then looks at Mother Teresa and says "don't worry,that's not a halo,that's a steering wheel"
LMAO :p
Great one, General Zod. :D

[kered]

Venray and Kered were relaxing on the front porch when Kered's dog Ol' blue walked up, sat down, and started licking his own balls. Venray watched for a while then said, "Sure wish I could do that."

Kered answered, "I think you better pet him first." :facepalm:

[Saeria]

A chicken farmer brings home a new rooster in hopes of retiring his old rooster. Upon arrival, the old rooster says to the new one "If you can beat me in a foot race you can rule the roost." The new rooster, a cocky sort, says "Alright old man, lets see what you've got." Old rooster winks and says "first one to make it around the house three times wins. Ready, set, GO!" and they both take off. The first time around the house, the young rooster breezed by the old one. The second lap however, the old rooster starts to catch up and unbelievably passes the young rooster with lightning speed. The young rooster, decidedly ruffled by this, refused to be beaten by an old guy and starts running just as fast as he can. As they rounded the corner of the last lap the young rooster starts catching up when suddenly the farmer shoots the new rooster in the head, muttering "damn, that's the third gay rooster i've bought this week."

How many chipmunks can screw in a lightbulb?
two of course, but how in the hell did they get in there?

[General Zod]

Two guys walk into a bar. Kinda dumb because when the first hit, the second should have ducked.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. "
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'
Great one Slacker :roflmao::roflmao:

[General Zod]

What kind of food can't make up it's mind?

A waffle :roflmao:

[RobAce]

OOOOO, OOOOOOO, my turn.

What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop.

Whats the difference between Cajun food and Creole food?
Cajun food has been dead longer.

What goes clomp, ting-a-ling, clomp, ting-a-ling, clomp, ting-a-ling?
A cowboy looking for his other spur.

Rob

[giggle-maker]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. "
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

I thought these were supposed to be bad jokes...


I LOL'd on that one!

[giggle-maker]

Ok here are some disturbing ones:

What's the difference between a bad dream and a nightmare?
A bad dream is your wife and kids being killed in a car crash...a nightmare is dreaming you're eating chocolate
pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky's with a feather, perverted's with a chicken.

How do you make a little girl cry in Alabama?
Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

What's worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
A baby nailed to ten trees.

What do anal sex and spinich have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a little boy, you'll probably hate it as an adault.

Why are Catholic school students so good at math?
When they saw that one dude nailed to the plus sign they knew the teachers weren't fucking around.

Who's the first one in the unemployment line in Alabama?
The tooth fairy.

What's better than winning the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.

What's the best thing about getting a blow job from a 10 year old?
Their little hands make your dick look bigger.

How does a mom in Alabama know her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood in her sons mouth.

[paracarl44]

How do you know that you are in an Arkansas Motel Room?



A: When you call the manager and say "I got a leak in my sink".

The manager replies: "Okay, go ahead".

[milagros317]

.
How does a mom in Alabama know her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood in her sons mouth.

Actually I heard a worse version of this joke:

How does a [insert nationality here] father know that his daughter has had her first menstrual period? He tastes blood on his son's penis.

:D

[makeUsquirm]

How does a Mexican know when he's hungry?

His asshole has stopped burning.

[IDareYou]

My dog's nose fell off.

How does he smell?

Terrible.

Snail Shell

Did you get that fro monty python?! I <3 them!!

Ready?:

Two drums and a cymbal fall on the floor- ba dum chhht

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

An older woman and her daughter were sharing a train compartment with an Army officer an a young soldier. Durning the ride, the lights went off and a kissing sound followed by a slap was heard. The lights come back on and th older woman thinks "That young soldier tried to kiss my daughter and she hit him, good for her!" The daughter thinks "The soldiour went to kiss me, but got my mom instead, so she smacked him." The officer thinks "That soldior tried to kiss that young lady and she hit me by mistake." And the soldior thinks "I'm pretty smart- I kissed the back of my hand and got to slap the officer."

[NukeLaloosh]

A penguin is driving his car in the desert, his car breaks down, and so he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says it will be a while, so the penguin leaves and finds an ice cream stand. He orders a giant cone stacked high with vanilla ice cream, and gets ready to dig in. The penguin realizes hes only got flippers and eating the cone will be tough, but he tries it anyway. He succeeds in eating some of the vanilla cone, but just gets most of it on his face.

He goes back to the mechanic to check the status of his car. The mechanic says, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."

To which the penguin replies, "oh no, it's just vanilla ice cream"

[Iris]

who is the sickest and cruelest guy in the world???? the guy that raped helen keller and cut her hands off so she couldn't yell for help.......insensitive i know.:idunno:

[Bugman]

who is the sickest and cruelest guy in the world???? the guy that raped helen keller and cut her hands off so she couldn't yell for help.......insensitive i know.:idunno:

So so wrong..:p How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?They moved the furniture around.

Hey Iris,do you ever check your pm box?:)

[kered]

So so wrong..:p How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?They moved the furniture around.


hmmm

[Bugman]

hmmm

Yeah,like i'm gonna fall for that one again.:p

[kered]

You might fall for this one.

[tickmankyle1]

why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side.

[McNoodle]

Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.

What did Batman say to Robin before they drove away?
"Hey Robin, get in the car".

2 termites walk into a bar and say "where is the bartender"?

How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.

[sasaxrah]

- Knock, knock.

-- Who's there?

- 9/11.

-- 9/11 who?

- You said you'd never forget.

[ikaiyoo]

why did the skelleton not go to the movies....


He had no body to go with...

[badreligion]

Why did Hitler commit suicide ?

He got his gas bill


Why does the hospital boil water while delivering a baby ?

so if the baby comes out dead they can make soup


How did Hellen Keller meet her husband ?

It was a blind date

[Raytheon]

I have a friend whos a lesbain and a vegan. I asked her how that can be when she likes to eat fish ...

:swayparrot:

[wishfoot88]

Q) why do gorillas have red balls?
A) to hide in cherry trees.

Q)how did tarzan die?
A)picking cherrys:dogpile::xpulcy::dancingbanana::wahooo:

[wishfoot88]

I have a friend whos a lesbain and a vegan. I asked her how that can be when she likes to eat fish ...

:swayparrot:

nice

[wishfoot88]

why did the chicken cross the road?

he just fucking did ok?!?! leave him the fuck alone!!!!



what do you get if you cross a bungee cord with an owl?
............my ass

lets see if anyone will guess where the above is from:D


how can you tell that a blond is having a bad day?
she has a tampon behind her ear and cannot find her pencil:dogpile::eeew:

[Illtcklu]

What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O.J. Simpson?

O.J. will walk.

[Warrior428]

Two homosexuals attacked a woman and threw her on the ground. One held her down while the other did her hair.

[Warrior428]

While doing some spring cleaning, a woman was listening to her radio.
She then hears a song she found to be quite catchy. She was so preoccupied
with cleaning the house that when the D.J. announced the song's information
she got the name of the song, but she didn't quite catch the artist's name.

So she takes a break, grabs the yellow pages and calls the local music store.
However, she accidentally dials the wrong number, she accidentally calls the
plumber.

Now, thinking that she's speaking to a music store employee, she asks:

"Excuse me, but do you have 'Two Hot Lips on a Warm Moonlight?"
(The name of the song)

The plumber answers:

"No, but I have two big nuts and a 9-inch pipe."

She asks:

"Is that a record?"

He replies:

"No, but it's a pretty good average."

[ticklish_klutz]

there is a mom tomato, a dad tomato and a kid tomato and they are taking a walk together. the kid tomato keeps falling behind so the dad smashes him and says ketchup

[Warrior428]

A guy working at a drugstore late one night gets a visit from a customer who's
desparate for some cough medicine. However, she noticed they were out of cough medicine.
So she approaches the clerk and asks for some cough medicine and informs him that she
didn't see any on the shelves. So after checking the stock room in back he couldn't
find any cough medicine back there either.

So instead, he suggests an alternative, for her to try a bottle of laxative, stating
that there are certain side effects related to curing a bad cough. Desparate enough
to be convinced, she purchases the laxative and immediately takes a big swig. During that
time the store manager walks out and overhears what's going on. He pulls the clerk to the
side:

What was she looking for?

Some cough medicine, but we are out. So I sold her some laxative.

That doesn't cure a cough!

No, take a good look at her. Look at her face. She's too scared to cough now.

[Warrior428]

A guy going to visit a phychiatrist gets to the office door,
but before he walks in, he decided to strip naked and wrap
his enitre body in some see-through saran wrap. He finishes
and walks in. The doctor takes one look at him and says:

"I can see you're nuts."

[paracarl44]

Q: What did the golfer say when he stepped on a rake in a sandtrap?

A:"I just made two balls with one shot."

[Bugman]

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Great big holes all over Australia. :jester: