AnnieHall
09-23-2008, 09:34 PM
My heart had been stitched shut with the same string that held my mouth closed for so long. I'd been that way forever. Lots of people tried to open me up and look inside, but I always shied away. What was in there was private. What was in there was mine and who did they think they were to try to pry me open like a greedy child with a candy jar?
I wasn't like that this time, though. I was shouting, screaming from the inside for someone to listen. No one could hear with my mouth the way it was.
As time went on, my mind and heart became full of things I wanted to confess, but couldn't. Secrets barnacled themselves to me permanently.
My eyes were wide with fear, my breath was uneven, and I was shaking. I was unraveling. I had cut the string, allowing everything I'd hidden to fall out one after another and I couldn't stop it.
Tears welled up and those couldn't be stopped either. I was raw and everything stung. Eyes were pleading, begging, screaming for everything to work out, for everything to be ok. Mouth was chain-smoking behind brain's back. Nerves were on fire. Had my statements been tangible, the floor would have been covered with confession.
Every choice is a lesson to be learned. As I stood there staring, the room spinning around me, my knees shaking, I wanted nothing more than to crawl back inside myself. I like to hide. I hide behind veneers of confidence and nonchalance, tattoos and piercings, clothing and my hair as it falls in front of my face. I may have bound my emotions inside, but my face was too easily read sometimes. An unfortunate curse given at birth.
I don't talk much anymore. I've since put the string back in place and I am much more comfortable this way. I long for someone to talk to sometimes, but I've learned being vulnerable sets you up for pain. Letting people in sets you up for abandonment. Opening up begs for attack. So I have committed myself to a life of solitude and silence.
I like to hide.
I wasn't like that this time, though. I was shouting, screaming from the inside for someone to listen. No one could hear with my mouth the way it was.
As time went on, my mind and heart became full of things I wanted to confess, but couldn't. Secrets barnacled themselves to me permanently.
My eyes were wide with fear, my breath was uneven, and I was shaking. I was unraveling. I had cut the string, allowing everything I'd hidden to fall out one after another and I couldn't stop it.
Tears welled up and those couldn't be stopped either. I was raw and everything stung. Eyes were pleading, begging, screaming for everything to work out, for everything to be ok. Mouth was chain-smoking behind brain's back. Nerves were on fire. Had my statements been tangible, the floor would have been covered with confession.
Every choice is a lesson to be learned. As I stood there staring, the room spinning around me, my knees shaking, I wanted nothing more than to crawl back inside myself. I like to hide. I hide behind veneers of confidence and nonchalance, tattoos and piercings, clothing and my hair as it falls in front of my face. I may have bound my emotions inside, but my face was too easily read sometimes. An unfortunate curse given at birth.
I don't talk much anymore. I've since put the string back in place and I am much more comfortable this way. I long for someone to talk to sometimes, but I've learned being vulnerable sets you up for pain. Letting people in sets you up for abandonment. Opening up begs for attack. So I have committed myself to a life of solitude and silence.
I like to hide.