svegau
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My next story is complete. For those among you who thought my last story was lacking in tickling content I added more to this one. I hope you like it!
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---Sloppy Moe, after his victory over the Super chief (woo woooo!), retired to the hills of the Ozarks. Nothing but clean mountain air and quiet livin’ for this eccentric frontiersman, but his retirement would be short-lived, for his unique talents were soon to be needed again to safeguard the frontier.
---With the removal of the Super Chief (woo woooo!) the next order of business was to get settlers moving west to explore and populate the new frontier. Times were good. Men and women were striking it rich with gold, oil, and coal all over. But where there be riches, there be bandits. So arose the fearsome bandit gal Big-foot Bessie. This lovely lass with the largest feet in the west could out drink, out sass, and out fight anyone, whether they be law abiding or law breakin’. She didn’t use no guns though, twernt no need for them. Why with only her bull whip she could disarm even the best gun fighters. Once disarmed, she used her powerful peds to beat the tar out of them. She had a kick powerful enough to break bones and teeth. Twernt no mistaking when she commit’s a robbery, her gigantic foot prints were enough of a calling card to know it was her. Those foot prints were an effective ward against all but the bravest or most foolish men. When they were seen on the outside of a pub or bar, everyone in town decided it was a good day to remain sober.
---The other hero of the battle against Super Chief was made a federal ranger and was charged with capturing Big-foot Bessie. He was a short and portly pig-nosed fellow who used to be a scout for the first wagon trains to venture west, as such he knew the terrain better than most settlers. Affectionately named “Porky” by his contemporaries, he sets out to capture this menace to society. He grabbed his trusty steed and rode hard toward the Rockies, her last known sighting. Upon arriving at the foot of the mountain porky came across a large posse, or what was left of them.
[PORKY]: Oh my gosh! It’s a m-m-m-m-massacre!
---Asking what or who did it was entirely unnecessary. Big-Foot Bessie’s big foot prints were everywhere. All over the place, burly men and well known gunmen laid around in heaps, not dead but battered and humiliated. Even some of their horses were unconscious, the rest presumably ran away in terror. Porky dismounted his horse and paced around the scene of the attack looking for someone that was able to give him some details about Big-Foot Bessie. He recognized such famous bounty hunters and lawmen as Rock Hardson, Johnny Dwayne, Jameson Steward, Lee Vin Cleft, Flint Westwood, Wyatt Burp, Matt Basterson, Tame Will Hitchcok, and the man with too many names! These legendary men were the type of guys that could walk right through the front door of a fortress filled with armed bandits, beat them all, and get the girl in the end. This time however it seems that this particular girl got them all in the back end! Those that could still talk gave Porky a whole list of warning.
[dude #1]: That gal’s got a kick like a mule on steroids!
[dude #2]: If’en the kicks don’t get ya, the stink commin’ off a’ them feet will!
[dude #3]: That lass has got the best whip work I ever did see! [cough] I thinks she was swattin’ down ar’ bullets in mid air!
[dude #4]: Uhg…Too f-fast…too strong…too smelly…
---But the fifth dude had a piece of useful information for Porky,
[dude #5]: She might o’ finished us off if it weren’t for me faithful huntin’ dog. That dog always took a liking to strong odors, and there ain’t many stronger than that gal’s feet. When rover went to sniffin’ and lickin’ around her toes, why she took to hoopin and a hollerin’! She was laughin’ worse that one o’ them hyenas. Darn near doubled over, helpless! Soon as ma’ dog let up for a spell she took off like a bat out o’ hell!
---That was just the kind of information Porky was hoping for. He now knew that Big-Foot Bessie had a weakness, and incidentally it is the same one as the Super Chief (woo woooo!). [Maybe they are related… ]
---Porky decided that to tame those ornery toes there was need of a master of the art of tickling warfare. And there was no greater master to be found than his old comrade Sloppy Moe a.k.a. “Tickle-Puss.” Using his fingers, toes, and his signature prehensile beard he could send even the most cantankerous foes into debilitating fits of hysterical laughter. The most firm and practiced poker faces would break as his fingers, toes, and beard glided across any unprotected skin with almost inhuman dexterity.
[PORKY]: sl…eh, sl…eh, Sloppy Moe is the one for this j-j-j-job!
---But great care had to be taken when dealing with him, ranger Porky knew this quite well. Sloppy Moe took great pleasure in tickling anyone, friend and foe alike! As evinced by his famous sing-song laugh when ever he was at work, “ha-ha-haha-ha, ha-ha-haha-ha, HA-HA-HAHA-HA!” This was a dude that clearly loves what he does. Tickling apparently isn’t his only skill, this eccentric(CRAZY) man can move through hostile Indian country, have hundreds of arrows shot at him, and not suffer an single injury. Porky sets out to find his old comrade so that they may set out once again to defeat another powerful yet ticklish adversary.
---Porky knew that Sloppy Moe was in the Ozarks, but his exact location was a mystery. With Big-Foot Bessie robbing banks, stages, homesteaders, etc. there wasn’t a moment to lose. He got on his trusty steed again and headed for the Ozarks. Once Porky arrived however, Sloppy Moe proved to be much easier to find than he expected. The terrain was populated with barefoot hillbillies and it would seem nearly every one of them knew of him.
[Hillbilly]: “Yeah, we’ins has herd o’ thet polecat. Why he’s crazier then mah’ uncle Cletus when he been hittin’ the moonshine! Why he’ll plum pop out o’ nowhars an’ tickle the tarnation out o’ you! Just th’ otha’ day thet varmint tickled cousin Becky-Mae till she plum pissed her britches!”
[Porky]: Any ide-ide-ide-clue as to w-where I can find him?
[Hillbilly]: Sure as shootin’! You jus’ follow thet thar’ creek south an’ you cain’t miss’um. But be careful! I ain’t never heard o’ anyone goin’ thar’ without getting’ the ticklin’ o’ thar life!
[Porky]: Th-th-thanks fella. I’ll keep that in m-m-m…I’ll remember it!”
And off he went.
---Following the hillbilly’s advice he came across an old but well kept shack. He slowed his pace and crept up to a window. Peering into it he could see Sloppy Moe presumably asleep on a hammock in the corner. He crept around the front door and went to knock. As soon as Porky lifted his arm, Sloppy Moe’s long black beard came through the keyhole in his front door and started to tickle Porky’s armpit.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha-ha-haha-ha! Ha-ha-haha-ha
[Porky]: HAHA STOH-HOP! MOE IT..HAHAHA..ME! P-P-P-PORKY! Haaha!
[Sloppy Moe]: Oh (hu huck) sorry Porky. I didn’t know I was you. Heh heh…
Sloppy Moe opened the door, and his beard lashes out and tickle Porky again.
[Porky]: HAHAHAHAHA C-C-HA-C-HAHA-CUT IT OUT!
[Sloppy Moe]: O.K…(chuckles)
[Porky]: We d-d-d-don’t have t-time for this. There’s a d-d-dangerous c-criminal on the l-loose and I need your help!
[Sloppy Moe] How (chuckle) could I help you with a crook. Ain’t you a (chuckle) sheriff or something? Anyway ain’t you been reading’ this story? Am’ ree-tired.
[Porky]: But you’re the only one that can b-b-beat B-Big-Foot B-B-B-Bessie! She’s terrorizing everyone.
[Sloppy Moe]: Well (chuckle) good luck with tha…um (chuckle) Porky…pal…(chuckle)…did you say “BIG-FOOT” Bessie?
[Porky]: Yeah, she’s got the biggest feet in all the west! And she…
[Sloppy Moe]: Porky old pal (chuckle) ya’ talked me into it! LETS GO! SHE’S AH’ TERRORIZING EVERYONE AFTER ALL(CHUCKLE).
---Reunited with his partner, Porky set out to pick up Big-Foot Bessie’s trail. Porky thought that this part would be easy. After all, her “tracks” are very well known to anyone who ain’t been livin’ under a rock these last few months. They even appear on her wanted poster! But due to heavy wind and horse traffic, they have all been covered up. They travel from town to town trying to get information, but it’s always either no one knows or they’re to yellow to talk.
[Sloppy Moe]: Hey Porky (chuckle), let me have a go at ‘em.
[Porky]: No Moe. From you that w-w-w-would be too cruel and highly unu-u-u-usual p-punishment.
[Sloppy Moe]: Aww shucks!
[Porky]: Don’t w-w-worry Moe, you’ll get your oppor-op-op…chance!
They advance to the next town where there is a circus show being put on. Big and colorful tents litter the outer skirts of the town.
[Porky]: Hey M-M-M-Moe, let’s watch the show.
[Sloppy Moe]: (chuckle) Ok Porky! (chuckle)
The two approach the tent where the ticket seller is. The ticket lady sees Porky’s badge and stands upright with a sneer on her face.
[Ticket lady]: Hey law! We ain’t doin’ nothing’ crooked around hear!
[Porky]: I d-d-d-didn’t say you were.
[Ticket lady]: Well then, if’en you got no business ‘round here then git!
[Porky]: L-L-L-Listen you! I’m a p-p-payin’ customer!
[Sloppy Moe]: Now now pal (chuckle), you let old Moe handle this.
---Moe pats the ticket lady on the back and leads her back into his tent to negotiate.
[Ticket lady]: Alright! What do you want ya’ blue faced weirdo, a job?
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha-ha-haha-ha…
[Ticket lady]: H…Hey! What are you… !!! … your beard!!! It’s…
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha-ha-haha-h!
[Ticket lady]: HAHA…N-NOW YOU…HAHAHAHA…CUT THAT OUT! (STIFFLED LAUGHING)
[Sloppy Mow]: HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!!
[Ticket lady]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AL…HAHAHA…ALRIGHT!…HAHA…I’LL GET Y-HAHA-YOU THE BEST…HAHAHAHAHA… SEATSINTHEHOUSE! …BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: Much obliged ma’am…(chuckle).
---Sloppy Moe emerges from the tent with two front row V.I.P. tickets to the main tent. Porky sighs and decides to let this one go.
They get in to see the main event. Taking center stage is a young lad of 18 or 19 years old. He is introduced as a lasso prodigy, capable of hogtieing man or beast in seconds. They called him “Roper”.
---He starts out by workin’ one lasso, nothin’ special. He then gets two goin’ at one, nice trick but hardly “main event” material. Then he starts workin’ four at once, gettin’ better. Next he starts workin’ eight at once! Ok, now this is worth the money(or in our case the tickling). A door is opened to the far right of the tent and a vicious looking bull is released. Roper flicks his wrists and sends all eight lassos at the bull and before a fella can sneeze he has the bull trussed up as pretty as a birthday present.
[Porky]: Wow! Oh boy! What an act! That kid is great!
[Sloppy Moe]: When (chuckle) I think of the things I could do with THAT talent…(chuckles a lot!)
[Porky]: Moe! Don’t you ever th-th-think about anything besides ti-ti-t-t-….
BANG! BANG! BANG! WHOOP-CRACK! WHOOP-CRACK!
The ticket lady runs in toward Porky.
[Ticket lady]: HEY LAW!!! IT’S HER! THE ONE EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT! IT’S BIG-FOOT BESSIE!!! SHE’S ALREADY DISARMED ARE GUARDS AND PLUM KICKED THE TARNATION OUT O’ ‘EM!!!
[Porky]: W-W-W-WHERE IS SHE N-NOW!
[Ticket lady]: SHE’S A’ RIPPIN’ US OFF IN THE TICKET TENT! SHE’S TAKIN’ EVERYTHING!
[Porky]: Now’s our c-c-c-chance Moe!…Moe…
---Sloppy Moe had already lit out of there after Big-Foot Bessie as soon as he heard her name. He went skipping at high speed laughing merrily, “HA-HA-HAHA-HA”. Porky bolted after him, expending all of his breath just to catch up.
---They arrived at the ticket tent together and saw a pile of carnies next to a pile of their teeth, their faces and bodies covered with Bessie’s foot prints. Inside the large tent they could here Big-Foot Bessie talking to herself.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oooh yeah! Mama needs a new pair of shoes! Heh heh…what am I talkin’ ‘bout, I don’t wear shoes! Heh heh heh!
---Both men took a moment to steel their nerves before their confrontation. They burst in…the air was thick with the smell of Bessie’ feet due to the heat being trapped in the tent.
[Porky & Sloppy Moe]: The jig is up!
---Big-Foot Bessie turned around smiling’ from ear to ear.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Howdy boys…
---Her physique was almost the exact opposite of the Super Chief (woo woooo!), She was every bit as tall but her upper body was actually quite petite. Her head, shoulders, arms, and torso were of average size if not a bit smaller, but she exploded at the hips. (Note: Think Dexter’s mom…) Her legs were large, long, tanned, and muscular and as her nickname and foot prints already alluded to, her feet were travel hardened and ENORMOUS! A feature not easily missed!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Now what can I do for you fellas today.
---Sloppy moe is actually salivatin' at this point.
[Porky]: (With his handkerchief over his nose) Bessie! I’m arresting you for cr-cr-crimes against the st-st-state! Armed robbery, pillaging, and assault with a d-d-deadly weapon!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: What d-d-deadly weapon? I just use my whip and my big ol’ feet…
[Porky]: (Choking on the stench) T-T-Those feet ARE deadly w-w-w-w-weapons!
---Porky goes for his six shooter, but before he can grab it Bessie uses her whip to snatch it out of his holster.
[Porky]: uh oh…g-g-get her Moe.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oh, so now it’s the deputy’s turn. Heh heh…
---Sloppy Moe jumps toward Bessie. She swings with her whip but Moe uses his beard to parry it.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: My! My! Now that’s new. OK! NO MORE MISS NICE GAL!
---Bessie performs a high kick, Moe catches her foot and latched onto the bottom. His fingers and toes to their worst!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Y-…AHAHAHAHA…Y-OU DARN GALUTE! HAHAHA….I C-CAIN’T STAND…HAHAHHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!
---Big-Foot Bessie is laughing hysterically and uncontrollably, it seems they have her! Porky pulls out his handcuffs when Bessie brings her big foot down and squashes Moe! He ain’t dead though, but he has certainly looked better.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (Recovering) Y-you flea bitten varmint!
---Big-Foot Bessie stomps square on his “meat & taters” and Moe lets out a loud howl. She keeps her foot on top of him.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: How d’you like that ya freak!
[Sloppy Moe]: Uh HuCk…I (chuckle) liked it just fine…
---Bessie could feel “something” getting progressively harder under her sole. She lifts up her foot and finds that Moe had pitched his own tent in his trousers! She flicks it with her big toe and plays with it for a spell.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (coyly) You sir are a strange one…
---Sloppy Moe offered no resistance to this “play”.
[Porky]: Moe! What are you d-d-doing! Get her!
[Sloppy Moe]: I AM getting her…
[Porky]: Not like THAT!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Hello boys…I’m still here…
---Bessie stops playing with Sloppy moe’s “little moe” and goes after Porky.
[Sloppy Moe]: Aw Shucks!!!
---Porky charges forward and grabs her ankle.
[Porky]: I g-g-g-g-g-got her! Come on Moe!
---Moe struggles to his feet.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Who’s got who?
---Bessie twists her ankle around and places her toes in front of Porky’s face, which has a disorienting effect on him. She uses her toes to grab his nose.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: It was smart bringing that tickler with you Ranger. He’s used to strong foot odors, but judging by the look on your face this is your first time. Hee hee.
---With Porky on the verge of losing consciousness and Moe not up to fighting strength it would seem Big-Foot Bessie has bested another lawman, but a lasso comes through the opening in the tent and lashes onto Porky’s leg. The person on the other end then pulls him to a safely away from Big-Foot Bessie’s stinky soles.
---Who was it that rescued ranger Porky, Roper that’s who!
[Roper]: This circus is my home! I won’t let you take all of our hard earned money Big-Foot Bessie!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Well that’s right touchin’. But how do you plan on stoppin’ me when even the law couldn’t son?
[Roper]: like this!
---Roper flicks his wrists like he did in his show and sends a whole mess of lassos as Bessie. She starts to kick them down, but some of them get tangled in her toes. He restrains her while Moe makes another try at tickling her into submission. She defends herself with her hands this time and uses her powerful legs to pull roper into the tent. As he is flying in she kicks him in mid-air, he then lands hard on the ground.
[Roper]: We almost had her!
[Sloppy Moe]: She’s tough!
[Porky]: (Catching his breath) Come on f-f-f-fellas! We can’t give up now! I’ve got a plan!
---Porky whispers his plan to Moe and Roper while Bessie looks on in amusement.
[Porky / Moe / Roper]: LET’S DO IT!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yes! Lets!
---Porky ran outside of the tent.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Going for help huh…
---Roper repeated his trick roping act, sending a dozen lassos flying at Bessie all at once.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: This tom-foolery again!
---She kicks them down just as before with the same result of her toes getting tangled in the ropes. Moe charges forth. Bessie is about to defend when Porky crawls under the back of the tent and cuffs her hands from behind.
[Porky]: This time I got you!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: WHAT!!! OH NO!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: (chuckle) OH YES!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! YOU LILY LIVERED SIDEWYNDERS!!!
---Bessie losses her balance and trips over Porky. As soon as she’s down Roper applies some more of his trick rope-work to instantly hogtie her. He big feet are now defenseless to the onslaught of Sloppy Moe’s tickle barrages. With fingers, toes, ears, nose, beard, tongue, “little moe” and even EYELASHES, he relentlessly tickled every square inch of her big, broad, and plump feet. She thrashed about more wildly than any wild bronco any of the men had ever seen before.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU…HAHAAA…HORSE FACED GALUTES!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!! Y’ALL TURN ME-HEE-HEE-HEE LOSE-SE-SE-SE- RIGHT NOW-HO HO-HO-HO!!! I CAIN’T TAKE IT!!! I CAIN’T!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! PLEASE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! AlRgHt RANGER, I- HAHAHAH, I G-GIVE UP! YOU GOT ME-HEE-HEE-HEE!!!
---And so ended the terror of Big-Foot Bessie. Before Porky, Sloppy Moe, And the newly deputized Roper took her back to the federal ranger station to be tried they took her into the elephant tent and used the giant long-handled brushes there to give that gal’s feet a good and thorough scrubbing! Since she never actually killed anyone and all the money she stole was almost immediately released bake into the community (due to her heavy drinking at local bars) she was let off with a sort of community service. Big-Foot Bessie was placed in stocks and put on display as a warning to all lawbreakers. The Stocks read, {BESSANDRA CURTIS: CHARGED WITH ARMED ROBBERY, ASSAULT, BATTERY, WILLFUL DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY, AND RESISTING ARREST.}
---Interestingly she became a tourist attraction. People came from all over to rub, caress, poke, touch, tickle, and in some cases TASTE the feet that terrorized a nation. Doctors came by to study ‘em, historians came by to take precise measurments and make casts to preserve ‘em in history, families came by just to feel ‘em and take pictures. Bessie didn’t seem to mind all the attention her feet garnered none, unless there was a really persistent tickler in the crowds.
---When her sentence was up, the three “heroes” were there to escort her to town. When there they started to part company, with Sloppy Moe And Bessandra being the last two together.
[Bessie]: Well, it was fun.
---Looking down at her body garbed in “proper” lady’s clothing instead of her cowgirl gear.
[Bessie]: Now for a life of normal boredom.
---She looks at Moe.
[Bessie]: Well, ain’t you leavin’ with your friends?
[Sloppy Moe]: Nope. (chuckle) Nope, uh I gots other plans…
[Bessie]: Like what? Oh I see, going to spend that reward money you got fer’ haulin’ me in huh?
[Sloppy Moe]: I uh (chuckle) already did.
---Moe pulls a box out of his trouser pocket and opens it. It is a diamond ring!
[Bessie]: Wow! What little philly is the proud recipient of that rock?
---Moe shoots her a wide grin, bends over, lifts up one of her no longer stinky feet, and puts the ring on her toe!
[Bessie]: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: Well?
She looks at her big foot, now adorned with the big diamond.
[Bessie]: …why?
[Sloppy Moe]: Because in these kinds of stories the hero always gets the girl in the end. (chuckle)
[Bessie]: But…What can I do for you?!
[Sloppy Moe]: You did (chuckle) plenty for me the day I caught you…
[Bessie]: OKAY! But what can you do for me wise guy!
[Sloppy Moe]: Well…(chuckle)…I can keep the boredom away!
[Bessie]: ……………….
[Sloppy Moe]: ……………………Well?
[Bessie]: …………………………Let’s see. Since retirin’ from my life of crime I’ve been offered a positions as: a bar maid, a secretary, a milk maid, a school teacher, or you wife. Well at least with you I’ll have a few laughs before I’m buried. So…yes!
[Sloppy Moe]: (Chuckle) More that a few…dear! Much more…(chuckle)
---They embrace, kiss, tickle each other a bit, then embark on their journey to the Ozarks.
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SLOPPY M. RIDES AGAIN
TICKLE PUSS VS. BIG-FOOT BESSIE!
---Sloppy Moe, after his victory over the Super chief (woo woooo!), retired to the hills of the Ozarks. Nothing but clean mountain air and quiet livin’ for this eccentric frontiersman, but his retirement would be short-lived, for his unique talents were soon to be needed again to safeguard the frontier.
---With the removal of the Super Chief (woo woooo!) the next order of business was to get settlers moving west to explore and populate the new frontier. Times were good. Men and women were striking it rich with gold, oil, and coal all over. But where there be riches, there be bandits. So arose the fearsome bandit gal Big-foot Bessie. This lovely lass with the largest feet in the west could out drink, out sass, and out fight anyone, whether they be law abiding or law breakin’. She didn’t use no guns though, twernt no need for them. Why with only her bull whip she could disarm even the best gun fighters. Once disarmed, she used her powerful peds to beat the tar out of them. She had a kick powerful enough to break bones and teeth. Twernt no mistaking when she commit’s a robbery, her gigantic foot prints were enough of a calling card to know it was her. Those foot prints were an effective ward against all but the bravest or most foolish men. When they were seen on the outside of a pub or bar, everyone in town decided it was a good day to remain sober.
---The other hero of the battle against Super Chief was made a federal ranger and was charged with capturing Big-foot Bessie. He was a short and portly pig-nosed fellow who used to be a scout for the first wagon trains to venture west, as such he knew the terrain better than most settlers. Affectionately named “Porky” by his contemporaries, he sets out to capture this menace to society. He grabbed his trusty steed and rode hard toward the Rockies, her last known sighting. Upon arriving at the foot of the mountain porky came across a large posse, or what was left of them.
[PORKY]: Oh my gosh! It’s a m-m-m-m-massacre!
---Asking what or who did it was entirely unnecessary. Big-Foot Bessie’s big foot prints were everywhere. All over the place, burly men and well known gunmen laid around in heaps, not dead but battered and humiliated. Even some of their horses were unconscious, the rest presumably ran away in terror. Porky dismounted his horse and paced around the scene of the attack looking for someone that was able to give him some details about Big-Foot Bessie. He recognized such famous bounty hunters and lawmen as Rock Hardson, Johnny Dwayne, Jameson Steward, Lee Vin Cleft, Flint Westwood, Wyatt Burp, Matt Basterson, Tame Will Hitchcok, and the man with too many names! These legendary men were the type of guys that could walk right through the front door of a fortress filled with armed bandits, beat them all, and get the girl in the end. This time however it seems that this particular girl got them all in the back end! Those that could still talk gave Porky a whole list of warning.
[dude #1]: That gal’s got a kick like a mule on steroids!
[dude #2]: If’en the kicks don’t get ya, the stink commin’ off a’ them feet will!
[dude #3]: That lass has got the best whip work I ever did see! [cough] I thinks she was swattin’ down ar’ bullets in mid air!
[dude #4]: Uhg…Too f-fast…too strong…too smelly…
---But the fifth dude had a piece of useful information for Porky,
[dude #5]: She might o’ finished us off if it weren’t for me faithful huntin’ dog. That dog always took a liking to strong odors, and there ain’t many stronger than that gal’s feet. When rover went to sniffin’ and lickin’ around her toes, why she took to hoopin and a hollerin’! She was laughin’ worse that one o’ them hyenas. Darn near doubled over, helpless! Soon as ma’ dog let up for a spell she took off like a bat out o’ hell!
---That was just the kind of information Porky was hoping for. He now knew that Big-Foot Bessie had a weakness, and incidentally it is the same one as the Super Chief (woo woooo!). [Maybe they are related… ]
---Porky decided that to tame those ornery toes there was need of a master of the art of tickling warfare. And there was no greater master to be found than his old comrade Sloppy Moe a.k.a. “Tickle-Puss.” Using his fingers, toes, and his signature prehensile beard he could send even the most cantankerous foes into debilitating fits of hysterical laughter. The most firm and practiced poker faces would break as his fingers, toes, and beard glided across any unprotected skin with almost inhuman dexterity.
[PORKY]: sl…eh, sl…eh, Sloppy Moe is the one for this j-j-j-job!
---But great care had to be taken when dealing with him, ranger Porky knew this quite well. Sloppy Moe took great pleasure in tickling anyone, friend and foe alike! As evinced by his famous sing-song laugh when ever he was at work, “ha-ha-haha-ha, ha-ha-haha-ha, HA-HA-HAHA-HA!” This was a dude that clearly loves what he does. Tickling apparently isn’t his only skill, this eccentric(CRAZY) man can move through hostile Indian country, have hundreds of arrows shot at him, and not suffer an single injury. Porky sets out to find his old comrade so that they may set out once again to defeat another powerful yet ticklish adversary.
---Porky knew that Sloppy Moe was in the Ozarks, but his exact location was a mystery. With Big-Foot Bessie robbing banks, stages, homesteaders, etc. there wasn’t a moment to lose. He got on his trusty steed again and headed for the Ozarks. Once Porky arrived however, Sloppy Moe proved to be much easier to find than he expected. The terrain was populated with barefoot hillbillies and it would seem nearly every one of them knew of him.
[Hillbilly]: “Yeah, we’ins has herd o’ thet polecat. Why he’s crazier then mah’ uncle Cletus when he been hittin’ the moonshine! Why he’ll plum pop out o’ nowhars an’ tickle the tarnation out o’ you! Just th’ otha’ day thet varmint tickled cousin Becky-Mae till she plum pissed her britches!”
[Porky]: Any ide-ide-ide-clue as to w-where I can find him?
[Hillbilly]: Sure as shootin’! You jus’ follow thet thar’ creek south an’ you cain’t miss’um. But be careful! I ain’t never heard o’ anyone goin’ thar’ without getting’ the ticklin’ o’ thar life!
[Porky]: Th-th-thanks fella. I’ll keep that in m-m-m…I’ll remember it!”
And off he went.
---Following the hillbilly’s advice he came across an old but well kept shack. He slowed his pace and crept up to a window. Peering into it he could see Sloppy Moe presumably asleep on a hammock in the corner. He crept around the front door and went to knock. As soon as Porky lifted his arm, Sloppy Moe’s long black beard came through the keyhole in his front door and started to tickle Porky’s armpit.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha-ha-haha-ha! Ha-ha-haha-ha
[Porky]: HAHA STOH-HOP! MOE IT..HAHAHA..ME! P-P-P-PORKY! Haaha!
[Sloppy Moe]: Oh (hu huck) sorry Porky. I didn’t know I was you. Heh heh…
Sloppy Moe opened the door, and his beard lashes out and tickle Porky again.
[Porky]: HAHAHAHAHA C-C-HA-C-HAHA-CUT IT OUT!
[Sloppy Moe]: O.K…(chuckles)
[Porky]: We d-d-d-don’t have t-time for this. There’s a d-d-dangerous c-criminal on the l-loose and I need your help!
[Sloppy Moe] How (chuckle) could I help you with a crook. Ain’t you a (chuckle) sheriff or something? Anyway ain’t you been reading’ this story? Am’ ree-tired.
[Porky]: But you’re the only one that can b-b-beat B-Big-Foot B-B-B-Bessie! She’s terrorizing everyone.
[Sloppy Moe]: Well (chuckle) good luck with tha…um (chuckle) Porky…pal…(chuckle)…did you say “BIG-FOOT” Bessie?
[Porky]: Yeah, she’s got the biggest feet in all the west! And she…
[Sloppy Moe]: Porky old pal (chuckle) ya’ talked me into it! LETS GO! SHE’S AH’ TERRORIZING EVERYONE AFTER ALL(CHUCKLE).
---Reunited with his partner, Porky set out to pick up Big-Foot Bessie’s trail. Porky thought that this part would be easy. After all, her “tracks” are very well known to anyone who ain’t been livin’ under a rock these last few months. They even appear on her wanted poster! But due to heavy wind and horse traffic, they have all been covered up. They travel from town to town trying to get information, but it’s always either no one knows or they’re to yellow to talk.
[Sloppy Moe]: Hey Porky (chuckle), let me have a go at ‘em.
[Porky]: No Moe. From you that w-w-w-would be too cruel and highly unu-u-u-usual p-punishment.
[Sloppy Moe]: Aww shucks!
[Porky]: Don’t w-w-worry Moe, you’ll get your oppor-op-op…chance!
They advance to the next town where there is a circus show being put on. Big and colorful tents litter the outer skirts of the town.
[Porky]: Hey M-M-M-Moe, let’s watch the show.
[Sloppy Moe]: (chuckle) Ok Porky! (chuckle)
The two approach the tent where the ticket seller is. The ticket lady sees Porky’s badge and stands upright with a sneer on her face.
[Ticket lady]: Hey law! We ain’t doin’ nothing’ crooked around hear!
[Porky]: I d-d-d-didn’t say you were.
[Ticket lady]: Well then, if’en you got no business ‘round here then git!
[Porky]: L-L-L-Listen you! I’m a p-p-payin’ customer!
[Sloppy Moe]: Now now pal (chuckle), you let old Moe handle this.
---Moe pats the ticket lady on the back and leads her back into his tent to negotiate.
[Ticket lady]: Alright! What do you want ya’ blue faced weirdo, a job?
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha-ha-haha-ha…
[Ticket lady]: H…Hey! What are you… !!! … your beard!!! It’s…
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha-ha-haha-h!
[Ticket lady]: HAHA…N-NOW YOU…HAHAHAHA…CUT THAT OUT! (STIFFLED LAUGHING)
[Sloppy Mow]: HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!!
[Ticket lady]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AL…HAHAHA…ALRIGHT!…HAHA…I’LL GET Y-HAHA-YOU THE BEST…HAHAHAHAHA… SEATSINTHEHOUSE! …BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: Much obliged ma’am…(chuckle).
---Sloppy Moe emerges from the tent with two front row V.I.P. tickets to the main tent. Porky sighs and decides to let this one go.
They get in to see the main event. Taking center stage is a young lad of 18 or 19 years old. He is introduced as a lasso prodigy, capable of hogtieing man or beast in seconds. They called him “Roper”.
---He starts out by workin’ one lasso, nothin’ special. He then gets two goin’ at one, nice trick but hardly “main event” material. Then he starts workin’ four at once, gettin’ better. Next he starts workin’ eight at once! Ok, now this is worth the money(or in our case the tickling). A door is opened to the far right of the tent and a vicious looking bull is released. Roper flicks his wrists and sends all eight lassos at the bull and before a fella can sneeze he has the bull trussed up as pretty as a birthday present.
[Porky]: Wow! Oh boy! What an act! That kid is great!
[Sloppy Moe]: When (chuckle) I think of the things I could do with THAT talent…(chuckles a lot!)
[Porky]: Moe! Don’t you ever th-th-think about anything besides ti-ti-t-t-….
BANG! BANG! BANG! WHOOP-CRACK! WHOOP-CRACK!
The ticket lady runs in toward Porky.
[Ticket lady]: HEY LAW!!! IT’S HER! THE ONE EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT! IT’S BIG-FOOT BESSIE!!! SHE’S ALREADY DISARMED ARE GUARDS AND PLUM KICKED THE TARNATION OUT O’ ‘EM!!!
[Porky]: W-W-W-WHERE IS SHE N-NOW!
[Ticket lady]: SHE’S A’ RIPPIN’ US OFF IN THE TICKET TENT! SHE’S TAKIN’ EVERYTHING!
[Porky]: Now’s our c-c-c-chance Moe!…Moe…
---Sloppy Moe had already lit out of there after Big-Foot Bessie as soon as he heard her name. He went skipping at high speed laughing merrily, “HA-HA-HAHA-HA”. Porky bolted after him, expending all of his breath just to catch up.
---They arrived at the ticket tent together and saw a pile of carnies next to a pile of their teeth, their faces and bodies covered with Bessie’s foot prints. Inside the large tent they could here Big-Foot Bessie talking to herself.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oooh yeah! Mama needs a new pair of shoes! Heh heh…what am I talkin’ ‘bout, I don’t wear shoes! Heh heh heh!
---Both men took a moment to steel their nerves before their confrontation. They burst in…the air was thick with the smell of Bessie’ feet due to the heat being trapped in the tent.
[Porky & Sloppy Moe]: The jig is up!
---Big-Foot Bessie turned around smiling’ from ear to ear.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Howdy boys…
---Her physique was almost the exact opposite of the Super Chief (woo woooo!), She was every bit as tall but her upper body was actually quite petite. Her head, shoulders, arms, and torso were of average size if not a bit smaller, but she exploded at the hips. (Note: Think Dexter’s mom…) Her legs were large, long, tanned, and muscular and as her nickname and foot prints already alluded to, her feet were travel hardened and ENORMOUS! A feature not easily missed!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Now what can I do for you fellas today.
---Sloppy moe is actually salivatin' at this point.
[Porky]: (With his handkerchief over his nose) Bessie! I’m arresting you for cr-cr-crimes against the st-st-state! Armed robbery, pillaging, and assault with a d-d-deadly weapon!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: What d-d-deadly weapon? I just use my whip and my big ol’ feet…
[Porky]: (Choking on the stench) T-T-Those feet ARE deadly w-w-w-w-weapons!
---Porky goes for his six shooter, but before he can grab it Bessie uses her whip to snatch it out of his holster.
[Porky]: uh oh…g-g-get her Moe.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oh, so now it’s the deputy’s turn. Heh heh…
---Sloppy Moe jumps toward Bessie. She swings with her whip but Moe uses his beard to parry it.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: My! My! Now that’s new. OK! NO MORE MISS NICE GAL!
---Bessie performs a high kick, Moe catches her foot and latched onto the bottom. His fingers and toes to their worst!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Y-…AHAHAHAHA…Y-OU DARN GALUTE! HAHAHA….I C-CAIN’T STAND…HAHAHHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!
---Big-Foot Bessie is laughing hysterically and uncontrollably, it seems they have her! Porky pulls out his handcuffs when Bessie brings her big foot down and squashes Moe! He ain’t dead though, but he has certainly looked better.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (Recovering) Y-you flea bitten varmint!
---Big-Foot Bessie stomps square on his “meat & taters” and Moe lets out a loud howl. She keeps her foot on top of him.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: How d’you like that ya freak!
[Sloppy Moe]: Uh HuCk…I (chuckle) liked it just fine…
---Bessie could feel “something” getting progressively harder under her sole. She lifts up her foot and finds that Moe had pitched his own tent in his trousers! She flicks it with her big toe and plays with it for a spell.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (coyly) You sir are a strange one…
---Sloppy Moe offered no resistance to this “play”.
[Porky]: Moe! What are you d-d-doing! Get her!
[Sloppy Moe]: I AM getting her…
[Porky]: Not like THAT!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Hello boys…I’m still here…
---Bessie stops playing with Sloppy moe’s “little moe” and goes after Porky.
[Sloppy Moe]: Aw Shucks!!!
---Porky charges forward and grabs her ankle.
[Porky]: I g-g-g-g-g-got her! Come on Moe!
---Moe struggles to his feet.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Who’s got who?
---Bessie twists her ankle around and places her toes in front of Porky’s face, which has a disorienting effect on him. She uses her toes to grab his nose.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: It was smart bringing that tickler with you Ranger. He’s used to strong foot odors, but judging by the look on your face this is your first time. Hee hee.
---With Porky on the verge of losing consciousness and Moe not up to fighting strength it would seem Big-Foot Bessie has bested another lawman, but a lasso comes through the opening in the tent and lashes onto Porky’s leg. The person on the other end then pulls him to a safely away from Big-Foot Bessie’s stinky soles.
---Who was it that rescued ranger Porky, Roper that’s who!
[Roper]: This circus is my home! I won’t let you take all of our hard earned money Big-Foot Bessie!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Well that’s right touchin’. But how do you plan on stoppin’ me when even the law couldn’t son?
[Roper]: like this!
---Roper flicks his wrists like he did in his show and sends a whole mess of lassos as Bessie. She starts to kick them down, but some of them get tangled in her toes. He restrains her while Moe makes another try at tickling her into submission. She defends herself with her hands this time and uses her powerful legs to pull roper into the tent. As he is flying in she kicks him in mid-air, he then lands hard on the ground.
[Roper]: We almost had her!
[Sloppy Moe]: She’s tough!
[Porky]: (Catching his breath) Come on f-f-f-fellas! We can’t give up now! I’ve got a plan!
---Porky whispers his plan to Moe and Roper while Bessie looks on in amusement.
[Porky / Moe / Roper]: LET’S DO IT!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yes! Lets!
---Porky ran outside of the tent.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Going for help huh…
---Roper repeated his trick roping act, sending a dozen lassos flying at Bessie all at once.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: This tom-foolery again!
---She kicks them down just as before with the same result of her toes getting tangled in the ropes. Moe charges forth. Bessie is about to defend when Porky crawls under the back of the tent and cuffs her hands from behind.
[Porky]: This time I got you!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: WHAT!!! OH NO!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: (chuckle) OH YES!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!! HA-HA-HAHA-HA!!!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! YOU LILY LIVERED SIDEWYNDERS!!!
---Bessie losses her balance and trips over Porky. As soon as she’s down Roper applies some more of his trick rope-work to instantly hogtie her. He big feet are now defenseless to the onslaught of Sloppy Moe’s tickle barrages. With fingers, toes, ears, nose, beard, tongue, “little moe” and even EYELASHES, he relentlessly tickled every square inch of her big, broad, and plump feet. She thrashed about more wildly than any wild bronco any of the men had ever seen before.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU…HAHAAA…HORSE FACED GALUTES!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!! Y’ALL TURN ME-HEE-HEE-HEE LOSE-SE-SE-SE- RIGHT NOW-HO HO-HO-HO!!! I CAIN’T TAKE IT!!! I CAIN’T!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! PLEASE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! AlRgHt RANGER, I- HAHAHAH, I G-GIVE UP! YOU GOT ME-HEE-HEE-HEE!!!
---And so ended the terror of Big-Foot Bessie. Before Porky, Sloppy Moe, And the newly deputized Roper took her back to the federal ranger station to be tried they took her into the elephant tent and used the giant long-handled brushes there to give that gal’s feet a good and thorough scrubbing! Since she never actually killed anyone and all the money she stole was almost immediately released bake into the community (due to her heavy drinking at local bars) she was let off with a sort of community service. Big-Foot Bessie was placed in stocks and put on display as a warning to all lawbreakers. The Stocks read, {BESSANDRA CURTIS: CHARGED WITH ARMED ROBBERY, ASSAULT, BATTERY, WILLFUL DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY, AND RESISTING ARREST.}
---Interestingly she became a tourist attraction. People came from all over to rub, caress, poke, touch, tickle, and in some cases TASTE the feet that terrorized a nation. Doctors came by to study ‘em, historians came by to take precise measurments and make casts to preserve ‘em in history, families came by just to feel ‘em and take pictures. Bessie didn’t seem to mind all the attention her feet garnered none, unless there was a really persistent tickler in the crowds.
---When her sentence was up, the three “heroes” were there to escort her to town. When there they started to part company, with Sloppy Moe And Bessandra being the last two together.
[Bessie]: Well, it was fun.
---Looking down at her body garbed in “proper” lady’s clothing instead of her cowgirl gear.
[Bessie]: Now for a life of normal boredom.
---She looks at Moe.
[Bessie]: Well, ain’t you leavin’ with your friends?
[Sloppy Moe]: Nope. (chuckle) Nope, uh I gots other plans…
[Bessie]: Like what? Oh I see, going to spend that reward money you got fer’ haulin’ me in huh?
[Sloppy Moe]: I uh (chuckle) already did.
---Moe pulls a box out of his trouser pocket and opens it. It is a diamond ring!
[Bessie]: Wow! What little philly is the proud recipient of that rock?
---Moe shoots her a wide grin, bends over, lifts up one of her no longer stinky feet, and puts the ring on her toe!
[Bessie]: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: Well?
She looks at her big foot, now adorned with the big diamond.
[Bessie]: …why?
[Sloppy Moe]: Because in these kinds of stories the hero always gets the girl in the end. (chuckle)
[Bessie]: But…What can I do for you?!
[Sloppy Moe]: You did (chuckle) plenty for me the day I caught you…
[Bessie]: OKAY! But what can you do for me wise guy!
[Sloppy Moe]: Well…(chuckle)…I can keep the boredom away!
[Bessie]: ……………….
[Sloppy Moe]: ……………………Well?
[Bessie]: …………………………Let’s see. Since retirin’ from my life of crime I’ve been offered a positions as: a bar maid, a secretary, a milk maid, a school teacher, or you wife. Well at least with you I’ll have a few laughs before I’m buried. So…yes!
[Sloppy Moe]: (Chuckle) More that a few…dear! Much more…(chuckle)
---They embrace, kiss, tickle each other a bit, then embark on their journey to the Ozarks.
THE END
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