svegau
TMF Poster
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Hello everyone! I'm back after a long and unplanned hiatus! My schedule in "RL" has been EXTREMELY hectic, so I couldn't get much writing done. For those of you who aren't saying, "Uh...who are you again?" I'm sorry for the delay.
Here is my next installment of "SLOPPY M. RIDES AGAIN". I've decided to turn it into a series. I'm hoping it will be good practice to help me refine my skills so I can build my "Ashikage" character properly. Well, I'm going to give it my best shot. Thank you for taking the time to read it an as always, ALL FEEDBACK IS WELCOME!!!
Story Note: Hard-Heel Ming's style of speaking is based on Shampoo from ranma1/2 english dubs.
Note: The PDF at the bottom features fonts to give the story a bit more "Zing".
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not an accurate depiction of their corresponding demographics in real life. This story is a work of fiction purely for the reading pleasure of my audience. Please don't sue me...
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---It’s been a “coon’s age” since the app-re-hension and re-ha-bilitation of Bessandra Curtis-Moe alias “Big-Foot Bessie” the former scourge o’ the west. Since then many outlaws, bandits, an’ assorted desperados have tried to fill her ample and often times non-existent shoes wit’ none too much success. That’s due to the tireless efforts o’ “Special Marshal” Porky (who was promoted to that position after his last adventure) and his new deputy Roper. Compared to the likes o’ the Super Chief (Woo Woooo) an’ Big-Foot Bessie, the rest o’ them trouble-makin’ varmints is child’s play. It seems like the west has seen the last of it’s “Supa’ Villuns”…for now.
---The scene switches to a vast rocky desert. The local Injuns call this desert “The Sea of Fire” in thar native tongue. Western settlers have a slightly less flatterin’ name for it, “The Great Foot Roast”. They say at high noon this time o’ year the sands is hot enough to bake biscuits in a Dutch-oven without even startin’ a fire. The Indians use many layers of leather for thar moccasins and the settlers use thick boots to cross this desert safely, and that’s durin’ the evenin’ hours! In this very desert however thar’s a single woman wearin’ a white-robe n’ a wide brimed cone-shaped straw hat. She swaggers rather leisurely barefooted across the blazin’ hot sands beneath her. And judgin’ by the trail o’ footprints behind her, she’s been a’ traveling like this for MANY a mile! Her face is mostly obscured by her straw hat, and a single long silver/grey pony tail hangs from under th’ back. Her features and build closely resemble those o’ Big-Foot Bessie, only she’s a mite shorter. Her feet and legs are disproportionately enormous. By contrast her upper body is far more mild in appearance and she is somewhat flat-chested. She has two large metal balls secured to her waist with rope.
---A small town appears over the horizon. She begins to walk toward it at an unbroken pace straight forward. As she entered the main road the towns citizens peek out at the woman in strange clothin’ from windows and porches. In particular they notice her gigantic bare feet and the large tracks she leaves. The road’s so hot even the town dogs are stayin’ inside! Without the slightest dee-v-ation, her walkin’ takes her straight to the local saloon. She steps inside and pauses for a spell by the entrance to look around. Due to the swelterin’ heat the lasses are scantly clad and many o’ the men are sittin’ around, drinkin’ heavy an’ playin’ cards without shirts. As she stands there a dis-stink sizzlin’ noise can be heard. She eyes the bar and begins to sashay over. From the place whar she was standin’ two puffs o’ dark-grey smoke rise from the floor. When the men and women inspect the spot they find two large foot prints “Branded” into the wooden floor boards! She hops up on one of the barstools and taps on the counter which summons the bartender.
[Bartender]: What’ll ya’ have?
---She responds with a thick Chinese accent…
[???]: Water please…
[Bartender]: Comin’ right up. Just off th’ boat huh?
[???]: Yes
[Bartender]: Here ya’ are lil’ lady.
---He hands her a pitcher of water and a glass.
[???]: Thank you…
---She picks up the pitcher, turns to the side, and pours the entire contents on her feet! And just like pouring cold water on a hot pan, a louder sizzlin’ could be heard and steam starts ah’ gushin’ out, e-nuff to fog up all the windows in the saloon!
[???]: AIYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Everyone]: !!!
---She lets out a deep and almost orgasmic sigh o’ relief. Everyone is shocked and stunned at the sight. When she’s done she replaces the empty pitcher on th’ counter. She then uses her index finger to push th’ empty glass toward the bartender…
[???]: A drink please…
[Bartender]: S-S-Sure l-lil lady…Comin’ right up…
---He walks away and returns moments later with a bottle of wine. He pours some for her and leaves the bottle. He then heard a call for a cold beer at the other end of the bar and hurried over with the order. Once the order was served he took a rag that was hangin’ over his shoulder and started wiping off the counter. When he returned to her both the glass and the bottle were empty! He gave her a surprised look and she gave him a discontented one. She again used her index finger to push the glass toward him and said…
[???]: Stronger…
[Bartender]: A-Alright… Try this.
---This time he filled her glass from a bottle called “Stinger” and set that bottle next to her. This time he stuck around to see what she did. She put the glass to her lips and swallowed the contents in one gulp. The she plum did the same with the bottle! She yet again pushes the empty glass toward him and repeats her request…
[???]: Stronger…
[Bartender]: Are you kiddin me! Okay gal, let’s she how you handle this!
---He reached behind him and retrieved a bottle of Scotch. He poured her a fill glass and, mimicking her, pushes the glass with his index finger toward her. She picks up the glass and again swallows the contents in one gulp. Seemingly unaffected she once again pushes the glass and repeats…
[???]: Stronger…
[Bartender]: Well I’ll be…
---The bartender scratches his head, half annoyed and half impressed. Then, an almost wicked grin comes to his face…
[Bartender]: You got it! Hey you, watch th’ door!
[Barmaid]: Sure boss!
---As th’ barmaid takes up a position near the entryway, the bartender hurries into the backroom, takes a key from inside his shirt, kisses it, and uses it to unlock a door hidden behind a large tapestry. He hurries inside and rolls out an odd barrel. Whut’s so odd ‘bout it ya’ say? Well, the wood done turned completely green, an’ it tain’t paint neither! The only markin’ on it is a red skull and cross-bones. He sets th’ barrel on the adjacent table and fetches a glass. When he turns the knob on the spout, what can only be described as a “suspicious liquid” flows out into the glass. Although he only filled the glass 1/3 way, he was careful to hold it at full arm’s length as he brought it over. The contents was a dark GREEN liquid with blue/green swirls in it. If one looked long and hard enough at those swirls some say you’d see the faces o’ tormented souls howling in despair.
[Bartender]: Aright-y gal! Try this on fer’ size.
---He rests the creepy cocktail in front of the lass. It bubbles and generated a harsh vapor that forced all others to keep their distance. The lady however did not back away, she looked at it with great interest.
[Bartender]: Ha! Scared huh. That stuff done came from the deepest parts o’ the Ozarks. Why one swig of this would knock an elephant stiff as a board!
---The vapors waved under her nose and tempted her pallet. All eyes were on her. She picked up the glass, and then…BANG!!! The glass shattered into hundreds of tiny shards. Everyone spun around to see the source of the noise. It was a gunshot, coming from a ruthless gunman. Everyone’s faces turned pale white and they began to shudder. It was one o’ them outlaws vying for Big-Foot Bessie’s former position as the scourge of the west. Through quivering lips they all exclaimed…
[Everyone]: IT’S BIG BAD BRUTO!
---There he was in the doorway. A heavily scarred face that quite frankly only a mother could love. Dirty hair jutted out from under a dirtier hat. A large thick a bushy mustache stretched across his entire jaw line. His clothing was heavily tattered and dusty. In both hands he brandished large revolvers, one could almost call them hand-cannons. One of them was smoking ominously from having just been fired. He sneered and snickered with a grim gleam in his eye.
[Big Bad Bruto]: Haw haw haw! Sorry t’ spoil yo’ drink missy, but ah’s the center of attention now! Haw haw haw!
---And he certainly was. He took a moment to eye her though. From her unusual garb to her even more unusual figure. He also noticed that she is the only one that didn’t turn around.
[Big Bad Bruto]: Hey girly! Ah’m a talkin’ to you!
---The lady simply asks the bartender for another glass. Shaking like a leaf, he reaches slowly under the bar and retrieves another glass. He fills it with the Ozark moonshine and rests it down next to her. She reaches for the glass…BANG!…it shatters again.
[Big Bad Bruto]: It seems you ain’t got no manners…
---He fires again and destroys the moonshine barrel. It’s contents spills all over the floor. The lady looks at it, very disappointedly.
[???]: AIYAH! What a waste...
[Big Bad Bruto]: Aw… Whut’s da’ matter? You cryin’ over spilt liquor?! Let’s see how you like this!
---He starts to fire at the bottles on display at the bar. They shatter on after another. Large holes are being blown into the wall just behind them.
[Big Bad Bruto]: HAW HAW HAW!!!
[Bartender]: Now you cut that out Bruto! Free drinks for the first one o’ you that stops ‘em!
[Big Bad Bruto]: You jus’ try!
---Not a single man present moves a muscle to oppose him. However, the lady finally stands. She looks over to the bartender…
[???]: As much as I want?
[Bartender]: Y-yeah. B-but you cain’t…
[Big Bad Bruto]: Oh yes she can. I jus’ so happens to be an equal opportunity outlaw. Haw haw haw!
---With her feet still wet, she hopped off of the barstool and walked over to where Bruto stood. Bruto gave one more deep bellied laugh before holsterin’ his guns an’ puttin’ up his dukes. He snorts and roars, attemptin’ to scare off the lady, but in stead she turns to one side, places her left hand behind her back and beckons him to her with her right hand. He raises his eye brow and says…
[Big Bad Bruto]: Fine. Haw! I’ll make th’ first move!
---He stomps up to her and throws a wide left, she simply ducks under it. He then throws a straight right, and she avoids it by stepping to the side. Obviously frustrated he starts wildly throwing lefts and rights at her, all of which she easily avoids. At the end of his long barrage of punched he suddenly throws his leg up and launches a kick. The lady bends backwards, limbo style, and avoids that attack too. She quickly recovers and gives him a piercing glare…
[Big Bad Bruto]: W-What…
[???]: That kick was sloppy. I teach you how!
---She lifted her leg and with lightnin’ speed launched a bone shatterin’ kick which sent the large bandit flying back into a wall. With the same dizzyin’ speed she threw kick after crushing kick, (Chun-li style) literally hammerin’ away at the outlaw until he collapsed onto the floor. Everyone is awe struck at her for the third time since she arrived. She goes over to the bartender to collect her reward when Big Bad Bruto starts to stir. All eyes are again on him as he struggles his feet. With utter and total rage in his eyes…
[Big Bad Bruto]: WHY YOU!!!
---He reaches behind his back and pulls out a long, heavily tarnished but still razor sharp, bowie knife. He spits out several of his broken teeth and looks at them. He then returns his attention to the lady and yells…
[Big Bad Bruto]: PREPARE TO MEET YER’ MAKER!!!
---He then gives a loud roar and dashes toward her. The lady, with an unerrin’ calm about her, reached for the roped balls on her waist and begins wielding them like Meteor Hammers! Within a single graceful movement she delivers a hard blow to his hand which forces him to drop the knife, ensnares his leg and trips him up, and then finally delivers a finishing blow to his forehead. He staggers for a moment and collapses again. This time he is motionless. The lady ties the metal balls back to her waist and again returns to the bartender. As she approaches his mouth is hanging wide open and his knees are knocking together violently. There is a low whispering among the slack-jawed onlookers…
[Person #1]: S-she fights just like…HER!
[Person #2]: You don’t suppose she’s s tryin’ to replace her do ya’?
[Person #3]: I here she was purty partial to th’ “creature” to!
[Person #4]: You don’t s’poss she an dis one’s related?
---The lady pays no attention to their ramblin’s. She arrives back at the bar and gestures for another glass. However, there is no more…
[Bartender]: Oh how I’d like t’ oblige you ma’am… But Bruto done destroyed my only barrel.
[???]: When will you get more?
[Bartender]: I cain’t rightly say ma’am. You see, hain’t been much deliveries from the suppliers since she moved there.
[???]: She?
[Bartender]: The one everyone here is talking about. Y’know, you do resemble her a great deal! And you even fight like her! Say, I never got your name. Just who are you?
[???]: I called Ming Chao Fun, I also called in your language HARD-HEEL MING. And who is one who stops your deliveries?
[Bartender]: That would be BIG-FOOT BESSIE Ma’am, th’ former scourge o’ these parts. She was stopped by a Special Marshal Porky, but since then her sentence is up. She done got herself hitched and moved to th’ Ozarks with one o’ the men that caught her! Kin you imagine that? Ever since then the flow o’ good moonshine from up there has all but dried up. The stuff is awful hard to come by now.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I see_
[Bartender]: Huh?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Is nothing_
---Speakin’ o’ Big-Foot Bessie, she an’ her new hubby Sloppy Moe have been havin’ themselves a grand ol’ time over in th’ Ozarks. The good citizens of the Ozarks actually thought that Moe gittin’ hitched would calm that crazy ol’ critter down…not so. Why when th’ justice o’ the peace done see’d who he was walking down th’ isle wit’, he darn near fainted. An he weren’t th’ only one. When those two was paradin back t’ Moe’s cabin wit’ “jus’ married” banners flyin’ on the back o’ thar coach, everybody knew thay’s troubles had been cum-pound-did! On an almost daily bay-sis since, them two has been terrorizing people every whar’s thay go! Moe romps and skips around ticklin’ the tarnation out o’ any po’ feller or gal un-four-tune-ate e-nuff to cross his path. Meanwhile his big footed bride is chuggin’ down all th’ moonshine in th’ hills! Thay cain’t complainin’ ‘bout it none though… It‘s Big-Foot Bessie afterall! An if takin’ that all day hain’t bad e-nuff, at night everyone is bein’ kept awake by Bessie’s an’ Moe’s constant “marital activites”. Moe tickles Bessie’s tree-men-duss feets every chance he gits. An’ after six month, she’s grown to like it!!! Tain’t torture to her no more, it’s Jus‘ plain ol’ fun! When ol’ Moe starts in to slidin’ his finger over them billboard-sized soles an’ flickin’ his famous pre-hen-seel whiskers between them salami sized toes she don’t even try to resist. She jus’ git’s to bawlin’ an’ screamin’… An boy has that lass got a set o’ pipes! Moe tickles a lot o’ people, but thay only last a few minutes. But when Moe an’ Bessie go at it, it kin’ last fo’ hours!
---Today up in th’ Ozarks, thay’s havin’ a meetin’ ‘bout the best ways o’ dealin’ wit’ those two. While everyone thar adamantly agreed thet somethin’ needed t’ be done, when the call to action was made everyone jus’ turned yellow! Not a single one o’ them was willin’ t’ take thar’ complaint t’ the newlyweds…
[Mayor]: Somethin’ must be done!
[Hillbilly #1]: Here here!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! Somethin’ should be done!
[Mayor]: We need to run ‘em out o’ th’ hills!
[Hillbilly #1]: Sure as shootin’!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should run ‘em out o’ th’ hills!
[Mayor]: Someone needs t’ tell ‘em to leave!
[Hillbilly #1]: Ya’ darn right!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! Someone should tell ‘em to leave!
[Mayor]: So, who’s it gonna be?
[Hillbilly #1]: …
[Hillbilly #3]: …
[Mayor]: Come on! Are you men or skonks!
[Hillbilly #1]: Skonks!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should be skonks!
[Mayor]: HOG WASH!!! Why is y’all as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full o’ rockin’ chairs?
[Hillbilly #1]: Thas’ Sloppy Moe n’ Big-Foot Bessie yo’ is talkin’ ‘bout mistur mayor sir! We don’ stand a cha-yunse.
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! Them two is crazy!
[Mayor]: Why you bums are about as useful as ah’ chocolate teapot!
[Hillbilly #1]: Hey! What ‘bout yo’?! You is the mayor, shouldn’t yo’ be doin’ this?!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! You should do it!
[Mayor]: H-H-uh-Hold on thar. Ah’s is too im-poe-tant to die toothless n’ laughin’! Why, what would the good citizens o’ th’ Ozarks do without me!
[Hillbilly #1]: We’d get ourselves ah’ REAL mayor!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should get a real mayor!
[Mayor]: Hey now! Uh…Ah’ decrees thet we…uh…hires ourselves o’ bounty hunter to run ‘em off!
[Hillbilly #1]: Well now, thas a jim-dandy idea!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should hire a bounty hunter!
[Mayor]: It’s settled then. However, to pay th’ bounty hunter ah’ll has to raise th’ taxes! All ah needs is a second!
[Hillbilly #1]: Who in thar right mind would…
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Mayor]: Motion carried!
[Hillbilly #1]: Why yo’ pea-brained cuss!
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! You pea-brained cuss!
---And it was settled, th’ “Wisest men in the hills” had come up with the plan. And a bounty of one hundred dollars was placed on both Bessie’s and Moe’s heads. The citizens o’ the Ozarks sent messengers out to alert th’ nearby towns thet theys was hirin’ bounty hunters and professional fighters to run off a couple o’ “trouble makers”. As far as the details of the job were concerned, they was heavily embellished… Only if the people insisted on details, were they ever given. And when they had to they said Bessie had grown fat and lazy since she got hitched. They couldn’t rightly say that she hadn’t lost her touch, no one would take th’ job…
---The days pressed on and challenger after challenger, having been fed false information, traveled to the hills to face what they thought was an impaired, disabled, or otherwise weaker Big-Foot Bessie. And they arrived only to be sent flying back down the mountain courtesy of Bessie’s big & powerful feet. On and on this went for weeks until one day, when the Ozark messengers were speadin’ thar false news ‘bout Big-Foot Bessie bein’ an easy mark they happened upon a bar with a big ruckus inside. Th’ men an’ women inside was shouting out bets on whether some man an’ some woman could out drink the other. The hillbillies peered through the windows and saw one o’ th’ local miners and a oddly clad lass sittin’ on opposite sides of a table which was covered with overturned shot glasses. The miner seemed to be on his last leg and moments away from passin’ out while the woman seemed unaffected. After one last round the miner topples over and the lady is the winner. The crowd around them is roaring with both cheerin’ and cussin’ of every variety. Wads of cash exchange hands as the winners of the wagers partake o’ their spoils. One man in the crowd however, ain’t too thrilled that he lost. As the lady rises from her chair and begins to walk away the man roughly grabs her by the shoulder…
[Angry man]: Hey gal, you just lost me ah’ whole month’s pay!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: You bet on wrong person.
[Angry man]: Why you! Ah’s gonna take it outta yer hide!
---The man, still gripping her shoulder, tries the throw her down, but she doesn’t budge. He pushes and pushes to no avail. Just when his head is practically on top of her shoulder she throws a kick over her shoulder and hits him in the nose. She then turns sharply on th’ ball o’ her other foot and kicks him again. He lands on the floor in a heap and stays thar. The crowd is elated and some people throw money at her, havin’ enjoyed the spectacle. The hillbillies lookin’ through the window were equally impressed. Maybe she could fight off Big-Foot Bessie!
---Ming picks up the money, bows in appreciation to her audience, and exit’s the bar. Outside she is immediately approached by the hillbillies…
[Hillbillies]: Why you done did o’ bang up job in thar. Thet was one right piece o’ fancy foots-works.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Thank you.
[Hillbillies]: Cain’t help but notice you makin’ a good bit o’ change on it too.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Yes.
[Hillbillies]: Well thas’ nuthin’ compared to whut yo’ is gonna make if-en yo’ comes wit us to th’ Ozarks!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I was on my way there.
[Hillbillies]: Thas jus’ plum fate right thar!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: What must I do?
[Hillbillies]: Nuthin’ ah’ gal wit yo’ ta-lunts cain’t handle. Jus’ o’ bunch o’ trouble makers we want’s yo’ t’ run out! Be-cuz o’ those two all our stills done run dry and we-ins is livin’ in a state o’ panik!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I do my best.
---Ming and the hillbillies begin their trek to the mountains. Meanwhile the terrible twosome, Bessie an’ Moe, is terrorizin’ another cottage. Ol’ Jed D. Polecat’s place. Jed’s got himself a purty lil wife and a whole mess o’ purty lil daughters. Why, the boys come ah courting’ thar almost daily. But not today. Today Moe’s got all the purty lil daughters and the purty lil wife lashed to th’ apple tree thet done growed on thar property and is ticklin’ the who mess o’ them senseless. With fingers, toes, and his whiskers he sends each o’ them into a laughin’ frenzy. He’s got ‘em all lined up nice n’ neat from the smallest lil feet to the biggest (which by th’ way still pails in comparison to Bessie’s) and he’s takin’ great delight in torturin’ them witless. Thought those feet are travel hardened from stopin around all over th’ Ozarks barefoot, against Moe’s skilled fingers an’ beard they’s no match!
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha!
---He streaks his fingers over the lil’est feet.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha!
---He thrusts his beard between the toes of the next biggest.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha!
---He uses his feet to tickle the next two pairs o’ feet.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha!
---He uses his long and pertruding nose to tickle the oldest daughter. Swishin’ it atound her soles and pushin it between her toes. Then he reaches the mother. All the daughters were still laughin’ hysterically. The mothers feet were a sight to behold. Relatively large, broad, dirty, wrinkly, and smelly with high arches. She gave some resistance.
[Mother]: Don’t yo’ even dares yo’ ornery critter! Don’t you even dares!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: HA HA HAHA HA! HA HA HAHA HA! HA HA HAHA HA!
---Well, he did dare! He tickled those feet with all the aforementioned implements! His fingers, toes, breard, and nose explored every wrinkles n’ fold. He dug deep into her arches and didn’t quit till she almost pissed he britches! Meanwhile Ol’ Jed is helplessly cryin’ his eyes out. It ain’t over his family being tickled half to death though, it was Bessie helpin’ herself to his jug as usual. When Moe was satisfied he signaled his wife, who in turn thanked Mr. Polecat for his hospitality and th’ two troublemakers were on thar way. That was merely thar last stop on the path o’ trouble they caused thet day. Moe was plum tuckered out, so Bessie carried him home and put him in bed. Since Moe was snorin’ powerful loud she decided to pitch a hammock outside and grab a nap too.
---In a few hours Ming and the Hillbillies from town are nearing their property…
[Hillbillies]: Now remember Ms. Ming, Ya gets th’ two hundred smackers iff-en yo’ kin’ beat ‘em.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I do my best_
---Near the residents they approach Moe’s and Bessie’s cottage. The hillbillies see Bessie lounging in the hammock and call out to her…
[Hillbillies]: Bessie! We-ins is callin’ yo’ out!
---Bessie is roused out of a deep slumber…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Uhg. I was having such a nice dream too… Ah’ll jus have t’ take mah frustrations out on these critters.
---Bessie climbs out of her hammock, firmly grasping her whip. Ming in turn takes a few steps forward firmly grasping the balls on her waist. The two of them square off and get a good look at each other, but then…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: !!!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: !!!
---The two of them stare at each other in a daze. As if having seen a ghost. They both take their hands off of their weapons…
[Hillbillies]: Go on n’ git ‘er!
---As if spurned on by the hillbillies, Ming starts to dash forward, Bessie responds in kind. The both mash the earth underneath them and punverize fallen leaves, twigs and small stones beneath their powerful pieds with every stride. The two seem to be trying to ram each other! The hillbillies look on with great interest.
[Hillbillies]: Thet Bessie’s finally gonna git whut’s comin’ to ‘er!
---Mere feet away from each other both of these big-footed warriors charge forward at full power, and then they collide!…IN A LOVE FILLED EMBRACE!!! They’re hugging! Each with one leg raised behind them! They even kiss each other on the cheeks!
[Hillbillies]: W-W-W-WHUT IN TARNATION?!?!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Aiyah_! I no see you in so long_
[Big-Foot Bessie]: How have you been Granny?
[Hillillies]: GRANNY?!?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: This here is the woman that raised and trained me! Grandma Hard-Heel! It’s like this, mah father was a two-bit swindler that used to work the docks. One day a deal went bad an’ we had to run fer’ it. We got split up and ah’ stowed away on a trade ship goin’ to china! Kin’ ya believe thet?
[Hillbillies]: (Nervous swallow) Uh. No…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yeah! The captain was powerful angry when he found me eatin’ the ships provisions and put me to work. I spent weeks swabbin’ the decks an’ shovelin’ horse turds. Then as soon is we hit land he booted me off! There I was in a strange land havin’ to fend for myself. Later that very day I stumbled upon a temple where thar was an overin’ to some dee-et-tee on the grounds. Ah was so hungry that I ate it. But the head teacher of the local dojo caught me, that was ol’ Hard-Heel here!
[Hillbillies]: Yo’ d-d-d-don’t say…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yep! She said that if-en I wanted to “avoid the wrath o’ th’ gods” I had to become her disciple. Well I’ll tell you I was so terrified that I agreed. I stayed thar for fifteen years, learnin’ her skills. And after I was old enough I struck out on mah own. The old gal was a great teacher!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Thank you_! I do my best_. I not know you the one I hired to fight_.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Huh?
---Ming relates all that the hillbillies had told her on the way here in Chinese. When she was finished Bessie threw an angry glare at the hillbillies.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Is that so!?
[Hillbillies]: (Whisperin’ amongst themselves) Uh oh… Let’s git…
---The hillbillies turned tail and tried to make a run fer it, but Bessie using her soopa’ human legs caught up with them instantly. She pined them under one of her tremendous feet and held one of them at full arm’s length in front of her…
[Hillbillies]: M-M-Miss Big-Foot…Ma’am. We was only funnin’… HONEST!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: No hard feelin’s boys. In fact, Am’ a gonna make sure each o’ ya makes it home safe & sound.
[Hillbillies]: Ya will?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Sure as shootin! It’s the neighborly thing to do right.
[Hillbillies]: S-Sure! Hey, yo’ is purty nice!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Thank you, now where do y’all live?
[Hillbillies]: (pointing) Jus’ over yonder!
---On those words Bessie draws her leg all the way back, until her big toe almost touched the back of her head, and lets loose with a kick which launched the first man into the air like a circus performer shot out of a cannon. Utterly mortified, the other hillbillies track the first one through the air until he descends. Presumably on his property. Again the hillbillies swallow hard, but they know all too well that fleeing is not an option…
---One by one Bessie sends th’ men flying home. Each cursin’ her out loud as they flew through the air and landin’ with a loud boom on his doorstep or porch. When the last one was, “delivered” Bessie heard a jovial applause behind her. It was Ming.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I see you keep up your training. That makes me very happy_.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: I learned from the best.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Well, since I here why we not have sparring match. To see how much you improve.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Grandma Ming, you always was a spry gal! But you was old when I first met you, you must be ancient now! I cain’t fight you.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: (irritated) Oh?! You think I'm old?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: GRANDMA Ming, you ARE old. Why don’t you come inside so’s ah can fix you some Oatmeal an’ prune juice. Hehe!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Hooo! My beloved disciple seems to have forgotten that she no beat me ONCE since I first start training her.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Now you watch out OLD gal, that’s ancient history. As you so quickly pointed out, Ah’ve been practicin’.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: (Smiles) Heh, why no place wager then?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oh? I’m listening…
[Hard-Heel Ming]: If I win, you stop drinking all moonshine in hills.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: And if I win?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I teach you secret technique_
[Big-Foot Bessie]: A secret technique? Like what?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: One that will unlock your hidden power.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: My power ain’t hidden…
---As Bessie says those words she flexes the muscles in her large and powerful legs and spins around to display them to her former teacher.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Impressive my young pupil! But that is not power I refer to_. I am talking about power that comes from depths of very being. From the sea of your soul…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Alright… That ought to be good! I accept your terms.
---With that th’ terms were set. Big-Foot an’ Hard-Heel faced off yet again, but this time it tain’t for huggin’! Bessie drew her whip and Ming drew her meteor hammers. What follows is a graceful exchange of attacks from both o’ them amazonesses. To any onlooker it woulda appeared like a finely choreographed performance or dance, but make no mistake, this was no dance! Their respective weapons were constantly intertwined and separated. The whip and meteor hammer moved as if they had a will of their own, like two snakes locked in mortal combat. Neither one of them is able to get the upper hand on the other. After a spell o’ amazing yet ultimately fruitless weapon play, they both re-holster thar respective arms. Each o’ them then smiled at th’ other, indicating thet this is when the REAL fight begins. Ming planted her heel hard into the ground, and from it blew a gust of wind that upon reaching Bessie, sent a strange vibe up her spine. Not wavering, Bessie leads off with a round-house kick that seems to slice though th’ air itself, however with nearly inhuman grace an’ agility the aged Ming avoids it easily. This happens with the next attack, an’ the next, an’ the next, it seems that Ming’s speed is the perfect counter to Bessie’s power. But, when Ming starts to attack Bessie’s more powerful frame is able to absorb the attacks. Meaning that each attack landed is only doing a fraction o’ the damage it would have to anyone else.
---This exchange lasts well over an hour! With Ming’s super speed dodging all of Bessie’s attacks and Bessie’s super strength taking and defusing all of Ming’s attacks. However Bessie knew something had to be done. Though she wasn’t feelin’ it YET, the damage was addin’ up. If the fight continued this way she would lose fer’ sure. But how was she t’ turn this around? In spite of that ol’ gal probably bein’ older then th’ hills themselves she’s quicker then a racin’ horse and smarter than a fox! And when Bessie looked at her teacher now, she was surrounded by a veil of wind which coiled around ‘er whole body! This must be the inner power she was talkin’ about!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (Thinking) Ah hates to admit it, but grandma hain’t lost her touch at all… Humph, I hain’t been beaten since thet wily blue critter in the shack tickled me senseless a few months back. Heh, grandma’s trainin’ prepared me for everythin’ except tha…
---A large toothy grin came to her face. She had an idea. A plan! Ming however was quick to notice her disciples smile.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Bessandra?! What you smiling about? You up to something…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Ah sho’ am Grandma Ming.
---Upon witnessing the look of confidence on her disciple’s face, Ming could help but feel a swell o’ pride well up inside o’ herself. She smiled too and prepared herself for whatever Bessie had in store for her.
---Again Bessie rushed in and again she performed an air-cuttin’ round house, which was again avoided in the same manner, however this time as soon as she was dodged by Ming she reached for her whip an’ drew it. When Ming heard the whip a-whooshin’ an’ a-flyin’ through th’ air she drew her meteor hammers and it became a weapon fight again. But Bessie’s aim weren’t to strike her teacher this time, as she and Ming unleashed their flurry of attack her was gradually ensnaring the end o’ Ming’s meteor hammer. When she had it secured enough she pulled it in toward her and caught it under her toes. She then quickly followed up with a hard straight kick that sent the hammer flying past Ming! When the hammer had reached far enough behind Ming the sudden stress on her chain caused her to momentarily lose her balance. Though successful she had to forfeit her whip in order to make it work. So when her master lost her balance she propped herself against a nearby tree and kicked it hard, using the force to propel her toward Ming at extreme speed.
---Ming recovered but it was too late. Bessie came flyin’ in and once again embraced her master. This time wrappin’ her arms AND legs around Ming’s body and lockin’ them in the back. Due to Bessie’s weight they both fall over…
[Hard-Heel Ming]: A good move! But neither of us win like this_. Are you trying to stalemate?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (Smiling) Not at all, I realized just a few minutes ago that I have a secret weapon!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: You no can use weapon like this.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: That’s what you think…
---Bessie begins to inhale deeply. Ming wondered what new weapon or technique her disciple was about to use on her. Bessie held her breath for a spell, perhaps to build suspense, and then began to whistle!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee, Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee!
---It was in th’ same tune as the sing-song laugh her husband let out whenever he was indulgin’ in his favorite pass-time. And like the sound o’ a dinner bell to a dog, the effects of this whistlin’ on Sloppy Moe were immediate. Up until now Moe was inside of his shack sleepin’ soundly-like, completely oblivious to the ragin’ battle that was takin’ place just outside o’ his door. However upon hearin’ his wife’s “call”, his eyes popped wide open and he immediately sprung out of bed. He listened for a spell to confirm what he just heard…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee, Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee!
---He heard correctly! With a great big smile on his face Moe raced to the door to go play with his wife.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: What you doing?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: You’ll see granny…
---THUD! Both Ming and Bessie turn thar heads and face th’ door. There was Moe standin’ in the door way, utterly awestruck at what he beheld. Not one, but TWO pairs o’ th’ biggest most beautiful feet he had ever seen!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: (giggle) If ah’m a-dreamin’ ah never wants t’ wake up!
---Bessie again smiles at the puzzled Ming, she then wiggles her toes at her husband and repeats her call…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee, Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee!
---Well ladies and gents, thet was e-nuff fo’ him! Moe ran at them feet full speed with his tongue waging and lit into them with a long wet lick! Ming and Bessie took to hoopin and hollerin’ like hyenas!
Moe licked an’ tickled for dear life! His fingers, toes, tongue, nose, and prehensile beard explored every wrinkle, nook, and cranny on all four o’ them delicious feet. He licked them all sparkling clean and beyond. Ming’s feet, which had braved the hottest deserts, the steepest hills, and fights with the most bloodthirsty desperados in the west were helpless before Moe’s ticklish onslaught! She struggled to get away, but dispute her disciple getting the same treatment she held on tight!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Hahahahahahahaha! T-Th-This no bother you!?!? Hahhahahah! Ohohohoho!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: You hahahahahhaha kiddin’ me?! I goes through this three times a day! Hahahahahaha! More on Sundays and holidays!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Whahahahahahahat?! How Hashanah-How you stand it?! This not torture?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Nope! For us it’s FOREPLAY! Hahahahaha!!!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: !!! Hahahahahah! Oho! Ohohohohahaha! I=I submit! You win! Let go please! Haha!
---Bessie releases her teacher, but Moe ain’t finished with her. Ming struggles to her feet, however amidst all the tickling her concentration was too far broken to use her speed technique.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Aiyaaaaaaah!!!
---As Moe was about to pounce, it was Bessie who ultimately rescued her. While doing a hand-stand she clapped her feet together on both of his sides, swatting him like a fly!
---When he falls to the ground Bessie pins him under her foot.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Who that?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Grandma… Allow me to introduce you to (lifting up her foot) my darling husband.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: You marry…that?!?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yep! He may not look like much, but he never lets me frown…or anyone else for that matter…
[Sloppy Moe]: (Recovering) How do you do? (chuckles)
[Hard-Heel Ming]: (nervously steps back) Nihou… Bessie, you truly possess great stamina and endurance! I show you how to unlock true power.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: You mean like you were just doing? What do you call that anyways?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: They called “Zen-Arts”. I will show you how to use them...on one condition.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Another condition?! I beat you already.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Please keep husband away from me!!!
---Moe, licking and smacking his lips, is staring at Ming’s now quivering feet. Bessie pins Moe under her foot again…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oh alright. You might learn to like it though, I sure did.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I no think so.
---With those words Ming Chou Fun started livin’ with and trainin’ Bessandra Curtis-Moe in how t’ use “Zen-Arts”. And none too soon. For another Supa’ villun was fixin’ to cause trouble and it will take all she’s got and more to beat this one!
Here is my next installment of "SLOPPY M. RIDES AGAIN". I've decided to turn it into a series. I'm hoping it will be good practice to help me refine my skills so I can build my "Ashikage" character properly. Well, I'm going to give it my best shot. Thank you for taking the time to read it an as always, ALL FEEDBACK IS WELCOME!!!
Story Note: Hard-Heel Ming's style of speaking is based on Shampoo from ranma1/2 english dubs.
Note: The PDF at the bottom features fonts to give the story a bit more "Zing".
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not an accurate depiction of their corresponding demographics in real life. This story is a work of fiction purely for the reading pleasure of my audience. Please don't sue me...
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SLOPPY M. RIDES AGAIN
BIG-FOOT BESSIE
vs.
HARD-HEEL MING!
BIG-FOOT BESSIE
vs.
HARD-HEEL MING!
---It’s been a “coon’s age” since the app-re-hension and re-ha-bilitation of Bessandra Curtis-Moe alias “Big-Foot Bessie” the former scourge o’ the west. Since then many outlaws, bandits, an’ assorted desperados have tried to fill her ample and often times non-existent shoes wit’ none too much success. That’s due to the tireless efforts o’ “Special Marshal” Porky (who was promoted to that position after his last adventure) and his new deputy Roper. Compared to the likes o’ the Super Chief (Woo Woooo) an’ Big-Foot Bessie, the rest o’ them trouble-makin’ varmints is child’s play. It seems like the west has seen the last of it’s “Supa’ Villuns”…for now.
---The scene switches to a vast rocky desert. The local Injuns call this desert “The Sea of Fire” in thar native tongue. Western settlers have a slightly less flatterin’ name for it, “The Great Foot Roast”. They say at high noon this time o’ year the sands is hot enough to bake biscuits in a Dutch-oven without even startin’ a fire. The Indians use many layers of leather for thar moccasins and the settlers use thick boots to cross this desert safely, and that’s durin’ the evenin’ hours! In this very desert however thar’s a single woman wearin’ a white-robe n’ a wide brimed cone-shaped straw hat. She swaggers rather leisurely barefooted across the blazin’ hot sands beneath her. And judgin’ by the trail o’ footprints behind her, she’s been a’ traveling like this for MANY a mile! Her face is mostly obscured by her straw hat, and a single long silver/grey pony tail hangs from under th’ back. Her features and build closely resemble those o’ Big-Foot Bessie, only she’s a mite shorter. Her feet and legs are disproportionately enormous. By contrast her upper body is far more mild in appearance and she is somewhat flat-chested. She has two large metal balls secured to her waist with rope.
---A small town appears over the horizon. She begins to walk toward it at an unbroken pace straight forward. As she entered the main road the towns citizens peek out at the woman in strange clothin’ from windows and porches. In particular they notice her gigantic bare feet and the large tracks she leaves. The road’s so hot even the town dogs are stayin’ inside! Without the slightest dee-v-ation, her walkin’ takes her straight to the local saloon. She steps inside and pauses for a spell by the entrance to look around. Due to the swelterin’ heat the lasses are scantly clad and many o’ the men are sittin’ around, drinkin’ heavy an’ playin’ cards without shirts. As she stands there a dis-stink sizzlin’ noise can be heard. She eyes the bar and begins to sashay over. From the place whar she was standin’ two puffs o’ dark-grey smoke rise from the floor. When the men and women inspect the spot they find two large foot prints “Branded” into the wooden floor boards! She hops up on one of the barstools and taps on the counter which summons the bartender.
[Bartender]: What’ll ya’ have?
---She responds with a thick Chinese accent…
[???]: Water please…
[Bartender]: Comin’ right up. Just off th’ boat huh?
[???]: Yes
[Bartender]: Here ya’ are lil’ lady.
---He hands her a pitcher of water and a glass.
[???]: Thank you…
---She picks up the pitcher, turns to the side, and pours the entire contents on her feet! And just like pouring cold water on a hot pan, a louder sizzlin’ could be heard and steam starts ah’ gushin’ out, e-nuff to fog up all the windows in the saloon!
[???]: AIYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
[Everyone]: !!!
---She lets out a deep and almost orgasmic sigh o’ relief. Everyone is shocked and stunned at the sight. When she’s done she replaces the empty pitcher on th’ counter. She then uses her index finger to push th’ empty glass toward the bartender…
[???]: A drink please…
[Bartender]: S-S-Sure l-lil lady…Comin’ right up…
---He walks away and returns moments later with a bottle of wine. He pours some for her and leaves the bottle. He then heard a call for a cold beer at the other end of the bar and hurried over with the order. Once the order was served he took a rag that was hangin’ over his shoulder and started wiping off the counter. When he returned to her both the glass and the bottle were empty! He gave her a surprised look and she gave him a discontented one. She again used her index finger to push the glass toward him and said…
[???]: Stronger…
[Bartender]: A-Alright… Try this.
---This time he filled her glass from a bottle called “Stinger” and set that bottle next to her. This time he stuck around to see what she did. She put the glass to her lips and swallowed the contents in one gulp. The she plum did the same with the bottle! She yet again pushes the empty glass toward him and repeats her request…
[???]: Stronger…
[Bartender]: Are you kiddin me! Okay gal, let’s she how you handle this!
---He reached behind him and retrieved a bottle of Scotch. He poured her a fill glass and, mimicking her, pushes the glass with his index finger toward her. She picks up the glass and again swallows the contents in one gulp. Seemingly unaffected she once again pushes the glass and repeats…
[???]: Stronger…
[Bartender]: Well I’ll be…
---The bartender scratches his head, half annoyed and half impressed. Then, an almost wicked grin comes to his face…
[Bartender]: You got it! Hey you, watch th’ door!
[Barmaid]: Sure boss!
---As th’ barmaid takes up a position near the entryway, the bartender hurries into the backroom, takes a key from inside his shirt, kisses it, and uses it to unlock a door hidden behind a large tapestry. He hurries inside and rolls out an odd barrel. Whut’s so odd ‘bout it ya’ say? Well, the wood done turned completely green, an’ it tain’t paint neither! The only markin’ on it is a red skull and cross-bones. He sets th’ barrel on the adjacent table and fetches a glass. When he turns the knob on the spout, what can only be described as a “suspicious liquid” flows out into the glass. Although he only filled the glass 1/3 way, he was careful to hold it at full arm’s length as he brought it over. The contents was a dark GREEN liquid with blue/green swirls in it. If one looked long and hard enough at those swirls some say you’d see the faces o’ tormented souls howling in despair.
[Bartender]: Aright-y gal! Try this on fer’ size.
---He rests the creepy cocktail in front of the lass. It bubbles and generated a harsh vapor that forced all others to keep their distance. The lady however did not back away, she looked at it with great interest.
[Bartender]: Ha! Scared huh. That stuff done came from the deepest parts o’ the Ozarks. Why one swig of this would knock an elephant stiff as a board!
---The vapors waved under her nose and tempted her pallet. All eyes were on her. She picked up the glass, and then…BANG!!! The glass shattered into hundreds of tiny shards. Everyone spun around to see the source of the noise. It was a gunshot, coming from a ruthless gunman. Everyone’s faces turned pale white and they began to shudder. It was one o’ them outlaws vying for Big-Foot Bessie’s former position as the scourge of the west. Through quivering lips they all exclaimed…
[Everyone]: IT’S BIG BAD BRUTO!
---There he was in the doorway. A heavily scarred face that quite frankly only a mother could love. Dirty hair jutted out from under a dirtier hat. A large thick a bushy mustache stretched across his entire jaw line. His clothing was heavily tattered and dusty. In both hands he brandished large revolvers, one could almost call them hand-cannons. One of them was smoking ominously from having just been fired. He sneered and snickered with a grim gleam in his eye.
[Big Bad Bruto]: Haw haw haw! Sorry t’ spoil yo’ drink missy, but ah’s the center of attention now! Haw haw haw!
---And he certainly was. He took a moment to eye her though. From her unusual garb to her even more unusual figure. He also noticed that she is the only one that didn’t turn around.
[Big Bad Bruto]: Hey girly! Ah’m a talkin’ to you!
---The lady simply asks the bartender for another glass. Shaking like a leaf, he reaches slowly under the bar and retrieves another glass. He fills it with the Ozark moonshine and rests it down next to her. She reaches for the glass…BANG!…it shatters again.
[Big Bad Bruto]: It seems you ain’t got no manners…
---He fires again and destroys the moonshine barrel. It’s contents spills all over the floor. The lady looks at it, very disappointedly.
[???]: AIYAH! What a waste...
[Big Bad Bruto]: Aw… Whut’s da’ matter? You cryin’ over spilt liquor?! Let’s see how you like this!
---He starts to fire at the bottles on display at the bar. They shatter on after another. Large holes are being blown into the wall just behind them.
[Big Bad Bruto]: HAW HAW HAW!!!
[Bartender]: Now you cut that out Bruto! Free drinks for the first one o’ you that stops ‘em!
[Big Bad Bruto]: You jus’ try!
---Not a single man present moves a muscle to oppose him. However, the lady finally stands. She looks over to the bartender…
[???]: As much as I want?
[Bartender]: Y-yeah. B-but you cain’t…
[Big Bad Bruto]: Oh yes she can. I jus’ so happens to be an equal opportunity outlaw. Haw haw haw!
---With her feet still wet, she hopped off of the barstool and walked over to where Bruto stood. Bruto gave one more deep bellied laugh before holsterin’ his guns an’ puttin’ up his dukes. He snorts and roars, attemptin’ to scare off the lady, but in stead she turns to one side, places her left hand behind her back and beckons him to her with her right hand. He raises his eye brow and says…
[Big Bad Bruto]: Fine. Haw! I’ll make th’ first move!
---He stomps up to her and throws a wide left, she simply ducks under it. He then throws a straight right, and she avoids it by stepping to the side. Obviously frustrated he starts wildly throwing lefts and rights at her, all of which she easily avoids. At the end of his long barrage of punched he suddenly throws his leg up and launches a kick. The lady bends backwards, limbo style, and avoids that attack too. She quickly recovers and gives him a piercing glare…
[Big Bad Bruto]: W-What…
[???]: That kick was sloppy. I teach you how!
---She lifted her leg and with lightnin’ speed launched a bone shatterin’ kick which sent the large bandit flying back into a wall. With the same dizzyin’ speed she threw kick after crushing kick, (Chun-li style) literally hammerin’ away at the outlaw until he collapsed onto the floor. Everyone is awe struck at her for the third time since she arrived. She goes over to the bartender to collect her reward when Big Bad Bruto starts to stir. All eyes are again on him as he struggles his feet. With utter and total rage in his eyes…
[Big Bad Bruto]: WHY YOU!!!
---He reaches behind his back and pulls out a long, heavily tarnished but still razor sharp, bowie knife. He spits out several of his broken teeth and looks at them. He then returns his attention to the lady and yells…
[Big Bad Bruto]: PREPARE TO MEET YER’ MAKER!!!
---He then gives a loud roar and dashes toward her. The lady, with an unerrin’ calm about her, reached for the roped balls on her waist and begins wielding them like Meteor Hammers! Within a single graceful movement she delivers a hard blow to his hand which forces him to drop the knife, ensnares his leg and trips him up, and then finally delivers a finishing blow to his forehead. He staggers for a moment and collapses again. This time he is motionless. The lady ties the metal balls back to her waist and again returns to the bartender. As she approaches his mouth is hanging wide open and his knees are knocking together violently. There is a low whispering among the slack-jawed onlookers…
[Person #1]: S-she fights just like…HER!
[Person #2]: You don’t suppose she’s s tryin’ to replace her do ya’?
[Person #3]: I here she was purty partial to th’ “creature” to!
[Person #4]: You don’t s’poss she an dis one’s related?
---The lady pays no attention to their ramblin’s. She arrives back at the bar and gestures for another glass. However, there is no more…
[Bartender]: Oh how I’d like t’ oblige you ma’am… But Bruto done destroyed my only barrel.
[???]: When will you get more?
[Bartender]: I cain’t rightly say ma’am. You see, hain’t been much deliveries from the suppliers since she moved there.
[???]: She?
[Bartender]: The one everyone here is talking about. Y’know, you do resemble her a great deal! And you even fight like her! Say, I never got your name. Just who are you?
[???]: I called Ming Chao Fun, I also called in your language HARD-HEEL MING. And who is one who stops your deliveries?
[Bartender]: That would be BIG-FOOT BESSIE Ma’am, th’ former scourge o’ these parts. She was stopped by a Special Marshal Porky, but since then her sentence is up. She done got herself hitched and moved to th’ Ozarks with one o’ the men that caught her! Kin you imagine that? Ever since then the flow o’ good moonshine from up there has all but dried up. The stuff is awful hard to come by now.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I see_
[Bartender]: Huh?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Is nothing_
---Speakin’ o’ Big-Foot Bessie, she an’ her new hubby Sloppy Moe have been havin’ themselves a grand ol’ time over in th’ Ozarks. The good citizens of the Ozarks actually thought that Moe gittin’ hitched would calm that crazy ol’ critter down…not so. Why when th’ justice o’ the peace done see’d who he was walking down th’ isle wit’, he darn near fainted. An he weren’t th’ only one. When those two was paradin back t’ Moe’s cabin wit’ “jus’ married” banners flyin’ on the back o’ thar coach, everybody knew thay’s troubles had been cum-pound-did! On an almost daily bay-sis since, them two has been terrorizing people every whar’s thay go! Moe romps and skips around ticklin’ the tarnation out o’ any po’ feller or gal un-four-tune-ate e-nuff to cross his path. Meanwhile his big footed bride is chuggin’ down all th’ moonshine in th’ hills! Thay cain’t complainin’ ‘bout it none though… It‘s Big-Foot Bessie afterall! An if takin’ that all day hain’t bad e-nuff, at night everyone is bein’ kept awake by Bessie’s an’ Moe’s constant “marital activites”. Moe tickles Bessie’s tree-men-duss feets every chance he gits. An’ after six month, she’s grown to like it!!! Tain’t torture to her no more, it’s Jus‘ plain ol’ fun! When ol’ Moe starts in to slidin’ his finger over them billboard-sized soles an’ flickin’ his famous pre-hen-seel whiskers between them salami sized toes she don’t even try to resist. She jus’ git’s to bawlin’ an’ screamin’… An boy has that lass got a set o’ pipes! Moe tickles a lot o’ people, but thay only last a few minutes. But when Moe an’ Bessie go at it, it kin’ last fo’ hours!
---Today up in th’ Ozarks, thay’s havin’ a meetin’ ‘bout the best ways o’ dealin’ wit’ those two. While everyone thar adamantly agreed thet somethin’ needed t’ be done, when the call to action was made everyone jus’ turned yellow! Not a single one o’ them was willin’ t’ take thar’ complaint t’ the newlyweds…
[Mayor]: Somethin’ must be done!
[Hillbilly #1]: Here here!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! Somethin’ should be done!
[Mayor]: We need to run ‘em out o’ th’ hills!
[Hillbilly #1]: Sure as shootin’!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should run ‘em out o’ th’ hills!
[Mayor]: Someone needs t’ tell ‘em to leave!
[Hillbilly #1]: Ya’ darn right!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! Someone should tell ‘em to leave!
[Mayor]: So, who’s it gonna be?
[Hillbilly #1]: …
[Hillbilly #3]: …
[Mayor]: Come on! Are you men or skonks!
[Hillbilly #1]: Skonks!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should be skonks!
[Mayor]: HOG WASH!!! Why is y’all as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full o’ rockin’ chairs?
[Hillbilly #1]: Thas’ Sloppy Moe n’ Big-Foot Bessie yo’ is talkin’ ‘bout mistur mayor sir! We don’ stand a cha-yunse.
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! Them two is crazy!
[Mayor]: Why you bums are about as useful as ah’ chocolate teapot!
[Hillbilly #1]: Hey! What ‘bout yo’?! You is the mayor, shouldn’t yo’ be doin’ this?!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! You should do it!
[Mayor]: H-H-uh-Hold on thar. Ah’s is too im-poe-tant to die toothless n’ laughin’! Why, what would the good citizens o’ th’ Ozarks do without me!
[Hillbilly #1]: We’d get ourselves ah’ REAL mayor!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should get a real mayor!
[Mayor]: Hey now! Uh…Ah’ decrees thet we…uh…hires ourselves o’ bounty hunter to run ‘em off!
[Hillbilly #1]: Well now, thas a jim-dandy idea!
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! We should hire a bounty hunter!
[Mayor]: It’s settled then. However, to pay th’ bounty hunter ah’ll has to raise th’ taxes! All ah needs is a second!
[Hillbilly #1]: Who in thar right mind would…
[Hillbilly #2]: Ah’ll drink t’ thet! (gulp gulp gulp)
[Mayor]: Motion carried!
[Hillbilly #1]: Why yo’ pea-brained cuss!
[Hillbilly #3]: Yeah! You pea-brained cuss!
---And it was settled, th’ “Wisest men in the hills” had come up with the plan. And a bounty of one hundred dollars was placed on both Bessie’s and Moe’s heads. The citizens o’ the Ozarks sent messengers out to alert th’ nearby towns thet theys was hirin’ bounty hunters and professional fighters to run off a couple o’ “trouble makers”. As far as the details of the job were concerned, they was heavily embellished… Only if the people insisted on details, were they ever given. And when they had to they said Bessie had grown fat and lazy since she got hitched. They couldn’t rightly say that she hadn’t lost her touch, no one would take th’ job…
---The days pressed on and challenger after challenger, having been fed false information, traveled to the hills to face what they thought was an impaired, disabled, or otherwise weaker Big-Foot Bessie. And they arrived only to be sent flying back down the mountain courtesy of Bessie’s big & powerful feet. On and on this went for weeks until one day, when the Ozark messengers were speadin’ thar false news ‘bout Big-Foot Bessie bein’ an easy mark they happened upon a bar with a big ruckus inside. Th’ men an’ women inside was shouting out bets on whether some man an’ some woman could out drink the other. The hillbillies peered through the windows and saw one o’ th’ local miners and a oddly clad lass sittin’ on opposite sides of a table which was covered with overturned shot glasses. The miner seemed to be on his last leg and moments away from passin’ out while the woman seemed unaffected. After one last round the miner topples over and the lady is the winner. The crowd around them is roaring with both cheerin’ and cussin’ of every variety. Wads of cash exchange hands as the winners of the wagers partake o’ their spoils. One man in the crowd however, ain’t too thrilled that he lost. As the lady rises from her chair and begins to walk away the man roughly grabs her by the shoulder…
[Angry man]: Hey gal, you just lost me ah’ whole month’s pay!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: You bet on wrong person.
[Angry man]: Why you! Ah’s gonna take it outta yer hide!
---The man, still gripping her shoulder, tries the throw her down, but she doesn’t budge. He pushes and pushes to no avail. Just when his head is practically on top of her shoulder she throws a kick over her shoulder and hits him in the nose. She then turns sharply on th’ ball o’ her other foot and kicks him again. He lands on the floor in a heap and stays thar. The crowd is elated and some people throw money at her, havin’ enjoyed the spectacle. The hillbillies lookin’ through the window were equally impressed. Maybe she could fight off Big-Foot Bessie!
---Ming picks up the money, bows in appreciation to her audience, and exit’s the bar. Outside she is immediately approached by the hillbillies…
[Hillbillies]: Why you done did o’ bang up job in thar. Thet was one right piece o’ fancy foots-works.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Thank you.
[Hillbillies]: Cain’t help but notice you makin’ a good bit o’ change on it too.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Yes.
[Hillbillies]: Well thas’ nuthin’ compared to whut yo’ is gonna make if-en yo’ comes wit us to th’ Ozarks!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I was on my way there.
[Hillbillies]: Thas jus’ plum fate right thar!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: What must I do?
[Hillbillies]: Nuthin’ ah’ gal wit yo’ ta-lunts cain’t handle. Jus’ o’ bunch o’ trouble makers we want’s yo’ t’ run out! Be-cuz o’ those two all our stills done run dry and we-ins is livin’ in a state o’ panik!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I do my best.
---Ming and the hillbillies begin their trek to the mountains. Meanwhile the terrible twosome, Bessie an’ Moe, is terrorizin’ another cottage. Ol’ Jed D. Polecat’s place. Jed’s got himself a purty lil wife and a whole mess o’ purty lil daughters. Why, the boys come ah courting’ thar almost daily. But not today. Today Moe’s got all the purty lil daughters and the purty lil wife lashed to th’ apple tree thet done growed on thar property and is ticklin’ the who mess o’ them senseless. With fingers, toes, and his whiskers he sends each o’ them into a laughin’ frenzy. He’s got ‘em all lined up nice n’ neat from the smallest lil feet to the biggest (which by th’ way still pails in comparison to Bessie’s) and he’s takin’ great delight in torturin’ them witless. Thought those feet are travel hardened from stopin around all over th’ Ozarks barefoot, against Moe’s skilled fingers an’ beard they’s no match!
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha!
---He streaks his fingers over the lil’est feet.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha!
---He thrusts his beard between the toes of the next biggest.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha!
---He uses his feet to tickle the next two pairs o’ feet.
[Sloppy Moe]: Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha! Ha ha haha ha!
---He uses his long and pertruding nose to tickle the oldest daughter. Swishin’ it atound her soles and pushin it between her toes. Then he reaches the mother. All the daughters were still laughin’ hysterically. The mothers feet were a sight to behold. Relatively large, broad, dirty, wrinkly, and smelly with high arches. She gave some resistance.
[Mother]: Don’t yo’ even dares yo’ ornery critter! Don’t you even dares!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: HA HA HAHA HA! HA HA HAHA HA! HA HA HAHA HA!
---Well, he did dare! He tickled those feet with all the aforementioned implements! His fingers, toes, breard, and nose explored every wrinkles n’ fold. He dug deep into her arches and didn’t quit till she almost pissed he britches! Meanwhile Ol’ Jed is helplessly cryin’ his eyes out. It ain’t over his family being tickled half to death though, it was Bessie helpin’ herself to his jug as usual. When Moe was satisfied he signaled his wife, who in turn thanked Mr. Polecat for his hospitality and th’ two troublemakers were on thar way. That was merely thar last stop on the path o’ trouble they caused thet day. Moe was plum tuckered out, so Bessie carried him home and put him in bed. Since Moe was snorin’ powerful loud she decided to pitch a hammock outside and grab a nap too.
---In a few hours Ming and the Hillbillies from town are nearing their property…
[Hillbillies]: Now remember Ms. Ming, Ya gets th’ two hundred smackers iff-en yo’ kin’ beat ‘em.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I do my best_
---Near the residents they approach Moe’s and Bessie’s cottage. The hillbillies see Bessie lounging in the hammock and call out to her…
[Hillbillies]: Bessie! We-ins is callin’ yo’ out!
---Bessie is roused out of a deep slumber…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Uhg. I was having such a nice dream too… Ah’ll jus have t’ take mah frustrations out on these critters.
---Bessie climbs out of her hammock, firmly grasping her whip. Ming in turn takes a few steps forward firmly grasping the balls on her waist. The two of them square off and get a good look at each other, but then…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: !!!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: !!!
---The two of them stare at each other in a daze. As if having seen a ghost. They both take their hands off of their weapons…
[Hillbillies]: Go on n’ git ‘er!
---As if spurned on by the hillbillies, Ming starts to dash forward, Bessie responds in kind. The both mash the earth underneath them and punverize fallen leaves, twigs and small stones beneath their powerful pieds with every stride. The two seem to be trying to ram each other! The hillbillies look on with great interest.
[Hillbillies]: Thet Bessie’s finally gonna git whut’s comin’ to ‘er!
---Mere feet away from each other both of these big-footed warriors charge forward at full power, and then they collide!…IN A LOVE FILLED EMBRACE!!! They’re hugging! Each with one leg raised behind them! They even kiss each other on the cheeks!
[Hillbillies]: W-W-W-WHUT IN TARNATION?!?!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Aiyah_! I no see you in so long_
[Big-Foot Bessie]: How have you been Granny?
[Hillillies]: GRANNY?!?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: This here is the woman that raised and trained me! Grandma Hard-Heel! It’s like this, mah father was a two-bit swindler that used to work the docks. One day a deal went bad an’ we had to run fer’ it. We got split up and ah’ stowed away on a trade ship goin’ to china! Kin’ ya believe thet?
[Hillbillies]: (Nervous swallow) Uh. No…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yeah! The captain was powerful angry when he found me eatin’ the ships provisions and put me to work. I spent weeks swabbin’ the decks an’ shovelin’ horse turds. Then as soon is we hit land he booted me off! There I was in a strange land havin’ to fend for myself. Later that very day I stumbled upon a temple where thar was an overin’ to some dee-et-tee on the grounds. Ah was so hungry that I ate it. But the head teacher of the local dojo caught me, that was ol’ Hard-Heel here!
[Hillbillies]: Yo’ d-d-d-don’t say…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yep! She said that if-en I wanted to “avoid the wrath o’ th’ gods” I had to become her disciple. Well I’ll tell you I was so terrified that I agreed. I stayed thar for fifteen years, learnin’ her skills. And after I was old enough I struck out on mah own. The old gal was a great teacher!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Thank you_! I do my best_. I not know you the one I hired to fight_.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Huh?
---Ming relates all that the hillbillies had told her on the way here in Chinese. When she was finished Bessie threw an angry glare at the hillbillies.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Is that so!?
[Hillbillies]: (Whisperin’ amongst themselves) Uh oh… Let’s git…
---The hillbillies turned tail and tried to make a run fer it, but Bessie using her soopa’ human legs caught up with them instantly. She pined them under one of her tremendous feet and held one of them at full arm’s length in front of her…
[Hillbillies]: M-M-Miss Big-Foot…Ma’am. We was only funnin’… HONEST!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: No hard feelin’s boys. In fact, Am’ a gonna make sure each o’ ya makes it home safe & sound.
[Hillbillies]: Ya will?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Sure as shootin! It’s the neighborly thing to do right.
[Hillbillies]: S-Sure! Hey, yo’ is purty nice!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Thank you, now where do y’all live?
[Hillbillies]: (pointing) Jus’ over yonder!
---On those words Bessie draws her leg all the way back, until her big toe almost touched the back of her head, and lets loose with a kick which launched the first man into the air like a circus performer shot out of a cannon. Utterly mortified, the other hillbillies track the first one through the air until he descends. Presumably on his property. Again the hillbillies swallow hard, but they know all too well that fleeing is not an option…
---One by one Bessie sends th’ men flying home. Each cursin’ her out loud as they flew through the air and landin’ with a loud boom on his doorstep or porch. When the last one was, “delivered” Bessie heard a jovial applause behind her. It was Ming.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I see you keep up your training. That makes me very happy_.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: I learned from the best.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Well, since I here why we not have sparring match. To see how much you improve.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Grandma Ming, you always was a spry gal! But you was old when I first met you, you must be ancient now! I cain’t fight you.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: (irritated) Oh?! You think I'm old?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: GRANDMA Ming, you ARE old. Why don’t you come inside so’s ah can fix you some Oatmeal an’ prune juice. Hehe!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Hooo! My beloved disciple seems to have forgotten that she no beat me ONCE since I first start training her.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Now you watch out OLD gal, that’s ancient history. As you so quickly pointed out, Ah’ve been practicin’.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: (Smiles) Heh, why no place wager then?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oh? I’m listening…
[Hard-Heel Ming]: If I win, you stop drinking all moonshine in hills.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: And if I win?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I teach you secret technique_
[Big-Foot Bessie]: A secret technique? Like what?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: One that will unlock your hidden power.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: My power ain’t hidden…
---As Bessie says those words she flexes the muscles in her large and powerful legs and spins around to display them to her former teacher.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Impressive my young pupil! But that is not power I refer to_. I am talking about power that comes from depths of very being. From the sea of your soul…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Alright… That ought to be good! I accept your terms.
---With that th’ terms were set. Big-Foot an’ Hard-Heel faced off yet again, but this time it tain’t for huggin’! Bessie drew her whip and Ming drew her meteor hammers. What follows is a graceful exchange of attacks from both o’ them amazonesses. To any onlooker it woulda appeared like a finely choreographed performance or dance, but make no mistake, this was no dance! Their respective weapons were constantly intertwined and separated. The whip and meteor hammer moved as if they had a will of their own, like two snakes locked in mortal combat. Neither one of them is able to get the upper hand on the other. After a spell o’ amazing yet ultimately fruitless weapon play, they both re-holster thar respective arms. Each o’ them then smiled at th’ other, indicating thet this is when the REAL fight begins. Ming planted her heel hard into the ground, and from it blew a gust of wind that upon reaching Bessie, sent a strange vibe up her spine. Not wavering, Bessie leads off with a round-house kick that seems to slice though th’ air itself, however with nearly inhuman grace an’ agility the aged Ming avoids it easily. This happens with the next attack, an’ the next, an’ the next, it seems that Ming’s speed is the perfect counter to Bessie’s power. But, when Ming starts to attack Bessie’s more powerful frame is able to absorb the attacks. Meaning that each attack landed is only doing a fraction o’ the damage it would have to anyone else.
---This exchange lasts well over an hour! With Ming’s super speed dodging all of Bessie’s attacks and Bessie’s super strength taking and defusing all of Ming’s attacks. However Bessie knew something had to be done. Though she wasn’t feelin’ it YET, the damage was addin’ up. If the fight continued this way she would lose fer’ sure. But how was she t’ turn this around? In spite of that ol’ gal probably bein’ older then th’ hills themselves she’s quicker then a racin’ horse and smarter than a fox! And when Bessie looked at her teacher now, she was surrounded by a veil of wind which coiled around ‘er whole body! This must be the inner power she was talkin’ about!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (Thinking) Ah hates to admit it, but grandma hain’t lost her touch at all… Humph, I hain’t been beaten since thet wily blue critter in the shack tickled me senseless a few months back. Heh, grandma’s trainin’ prepared me for everythin’ except tha…
---A large toothy grin came to her face. She had an idea. A plan! Ming however was quick to notice her disciples smile.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Bessandra?! What you smiling about? You up to something…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Ah sho’ am Grandma Ming.
---Upon witnessing the look of confidence on her disciple’s face, Ming could help but feel a swell o’ pride well up inside o’ herself. She smiled too and prepared herself for whatever Bessie had in store for her.
---Again Bessie rushed in and again she performed an air-cuttin’ round house, which was again avoided in the same manner, however this time as soon as she was dodged by Ming she reached for her whip an’ drew it. When Ming heard the whip a-whooshin’ an’ a-flyin’ through th’ air she drew her meteor hammers and it became a weapon fight again. But Bessie’s aim weren’t to strike her teacher this time, as she and Ming unleashed their flurry of attack her was gradually ensnaring the end o’ Ming’s meteor hammer. When she had it secured enough she pulled it in toward her and caught it under her toes. She then quickly followed up with a hard straight kick that sent the hammer flying past Ming! When the hammer had reached far enough behind Ming the sudden stress on her chain caused her to momentarily lose her balance. Though successful she had to forfeit her whip in order to make it work. So when her master lost her balance she propped herself against a nearby tree and kicked it hard, using the force to propel her toward Ming at extreme speed.
---Ming recovered but it was too late. Bessie came flyin’ in and once again embraced her master. This time wrappin’ her arms AND legs around Ming’s body and lockin’ them in the back. Due to Bessie’s weight they both fall over…
[Hard-Heel Ming]: A good move! But neither of us win like this_. Are you trying to stalemate?
[Big-Foot Bessie]: (Smiling) Not at all, I realized just a few minutes ago that I have a secret weapon!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: You no can use weapon like this.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: That’s what you think…
---Bessie begins to inhale deeply. Ming wondered what new weapon or technique her disciple was about to use on her. Bessie held her breath for a spell, perhaps to build suspense, and then began to whistle!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee, Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee!
---It was in th’ same tune as the sing-song laugh her husband let out whenever he was indulgin’ in his favorite pass-time. And like the sound o’ a dinner bell to a dog, the effects of this whistlin’ on Sloppy Moe were immediate. Up until now Moe was inside of his shack sleepin’ soundly-like, completely oblivious to the ragin’ battle that was takin’ place just outside o’ his door. However upon hearin’ his wife’s “call”, his eyes popped wide open and he immediately sprung out of bed. He listened for a spell to confirm what he just heard…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee, Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee!
---He heard correctly! With a great big smile on his face Moe raced to the door to go play with his wife.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: What you doing?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: You’ll see granny…
---THUD! Both Ming and Bessie turn thar heads and face th’ door. There was Moe standin’ in the door way, utterly awestruck at what he beheld. Not one, but TWO pairs o’ th’ biggest most beautiful feet he had ever seen!!!
[Sloppy Moe]: (giggle) If ah’m a-dreamin’ ah never wants t’ wake up!
---Bessie again smiles at the puzzled Ming, she then wiggles her toes at her husband and repeats her call…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee, Fwee-fwee-fweefwee-fwee!
---Well ladies and gents, thet was e-nuff fo’ him! Moe ran at them feet full speed with his tongue waging and lit into them with a long wet lick! Ming and Bessie took to hoopin and hollerin’ like hyenas!
Moe licked an’ tickled for dear life! His fingers, toes, tongue, nose, and prehensile beard explored every wrinkle, nook, and cranny on all four o’ them delicious feet. He licked them all sparkling clean and beyond. Ming’s feet, which had braved the hottest deserts, the steepest hills, and fights with the most bloodthirsty desperados in the west were helpless before Moe’s ticklish onslaught! She struggled to get away, but dispute her disciple getting the same treatment she held on tight!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Hahahahahahahaha! T-Th-This no bother you!?!? Hahhahahah! Ohohohoho!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: You hahahahahhaha kiddin’ me?! I goes through this three times a day! Hahahahahaha! More on Sundays and holidays!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Whahahahahahahat?! How Hashanah-How you stand it?! This not torture?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Nope! For us it’s FOREPLAY! Hahahahaha!!!
[Hard-Heel Ming]: !!! Hahahahahah! Oho! Ohohohohahaha! I=I submit! You win! Let go please! Haha!
---Bessie releases her teacher, but Moe ain’t finished with her. Ming struggles to her feet, however amidst all the tickling her concentration was too far broken to use her speed technique.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Aiyaaaaaaah!!!
---As Moe was about to pounce, it was Bessie who ultimately rescued her. While doing a hand-stand she clapped her feet together on both of his sides, swatting him like a fly!
---When he falls to the ground Bessie pins him under her foot.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Who that?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Grandma… Allow me to introduce you to (lifting up her foot) my darling husband.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: You marry…that?!?!
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Yep! He may not look like much, but he never lets me frown…or anyone else for that matter…
[Sloppy Moe]: (Recovering) How do you do? (chuckles)
[Hard-Heel Ming]: (nervously steps back) Nihou… Bessie, you truly possess great stamina and endurance! I show you how to unlock true power.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: You mean like you were just doing? What do you call that anyways?
[Hard-Heel Ming]: They called “Zen-Arts”. I will show you how to use them...on one condition.
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Another condition?! I beat you already.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: Please keep husband away from me!!!
---Moe, licking and smacking his lips, is staring at Ming’s now quivering feet. Bessie pins Moe under her foot again…
[Big-Foot Bessie]: Oh alright. You might learn to like it though, I sure did.
[Hard-Heel Ming]: I no think so.
---With those words Ming Chou Fun started livin’ with and trainin’ Bessandra Curtis-Moe in how t’ use “Zen-Arts”. And none too soon. For another Supa’ villun was fixin’ to cause trouble and it will take all she’s got and more to beat this one!
THE END
