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Janie Allen PI
- Thread starter ftikler
- Start date
Well seeing as you asked...
First off, congrats for entering the tickle fiction arena. I am always psyched to see people step up and contribute new work here.
Secondly, just paste the story into the response box. You'll get more views and potential reviews if people don't have to download your story to read it.
OK, on with the review...
Your story reads like the screenplay for a fun TV detective show. I felt like I was reading how it should appear on screen. That's cool as I like a story to create strong visuals but as a fiction writer you can play with words to enhance the reader's experience.
Now I am not really into tickling stories where dogs are licking feet but you can talk about how, "...the wet, slobbery tongue scraped up and down the sensitive arches of the unfortunate detective's delicate size nines, sending irresistible, mirthful sensations through her young body..."
See? You can have a ball with this.
Whilst you describe the action in good detail we don't know who we're looking at. Is Janie tall or short, blonde or brunette etc. It does make a change from a lot of stories which start out "Misty, a 5'10 blonde with blue eyes, a gorgeous body and massive tits was very ticklish...."
You get the idea.
That's really a personal preference though. Marquis De Sade conjures all sorts of brilliant imagery in his stories but he rarely gets that descriptive about his characters, leaving you to fill in the blanks yourself.
Now you do add in some characterisation in at the start. We know Janie lives in a cluttered apartment so automatically we see her as more of a disorganised character so getting into scrapes through bad luck or carelessness is going to make sense. She sounds like she is in pretty classy duds though. I guess this because you have a nylon thing, right?
It was cool to see you've thought up a scenario to put her in (thank God she wasn't waking up naked tied to a bed having been drugged - that's such lazy writing.)
Most importantly it was a quick fun read so if I saw "Janie Allen - part 2" posted I would stop to read it.
In summary, as long as it isn't just going to be dogs licking feet, then this series has legs.
Go for it!
First off, congrats for entering the tickle fiction arena. I am always psyched to see people step up and contribute new work here.
Secondly, just paste the story into the response box. You'll get more views and potential reviews if people don't have to download your story to read it.
OK, on with the review...
Your story reads like the screenplay for a fun TV detective show. I felt like I was reading how it should appear on screen. That's cool as I like a story to create strong visuals but as a fiction writer you can play with words to enhance the reader's experience.
Now I am not really into tickling stories where dogs are licking feet but you can talk about how, "...the wet, slobbery tongue scraped up and down the sensitive arches of the unfortunate detective's delicate size nines, sending irresistible, mirthful sensations through her young body..."
See? You can have a ball with this.
Whilst you describe the action in good detail we don't know who we're looking at. Is Janie tall or short, blonde or brunette etc. It does make a change from a lot of stories which start out "Misty, a 5'10 blonde with blue eyes, a gorgeous body and massive tits was very ticklish...."
You get the idea.
That's really a personal preference though. Marquis De Sade conjures all sorts of brilliant imagery in his stories but he rarely gets that descriptive about his characters, leaving you to fill in the blanks yourself.
Now you do add in some characterisation in at the start. We know Janie lives in a cluttered apartment so automatically we see her as more of a disorganised character so getting into scrapes through bad luck or carelessness is going to make sense. She sounds like she is in pretty classy duds though. I guess this because you have a nylon thing, right?
It was cool to see you've thought up a scenario to put her in (thank God she wasn't waking up naked tied to a bed having been drugged - that's such lazy writing.)
Most importantly it was a quick fun read so if I saw "Janie Allen - part 2" posted I would stop to read it.
In summary, as long as it isn't just going to be dogs licking feet, then this series has legs.
Go for it!
Suikoden pretty much covered everything I was going to say, with details. So, I'll just say, this was a fun read. I like what you're doing with this, and you can elaborate more on certain aspects like describing the whole scenario.
Was it a dark night? Was the sky cloudy, the land foggy? You get the picture I think. Go On Brotha!!!
Was it a dark night? Was the sky cloudy, the land foggy? You get the picture I think. Go On Brotha!!!
Marquis De Sade
1st Level Blue Feather
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2007
- Messages
- 5,175
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- 0
Congrats from me too man. This was fun and entertaining. I echo Suik's comments on it reading like a TV show.
As for details, yeah it is personal preference. Nothing wrong with how tall, what eye and hair color, height and weight. But you can also tell a lot about a person by what they're wearing, what they say, attitude, etc. My version of a secretary may not be what someone else finds attractive (something as simple as a blonde VS. a brunette, long hair or short hair, etc.), so the entire story might not work for them. I like to capture someone's "essence" and hopefully, you see your own version of the archetype and can connect to it.
Like this story for example, I had my own picture Janie in my head and enjoyed it.
As for details, yeah it is personal preference. Nothing wrong with how tall, what eye and hair color, height and weight. But you can also tell a lot about a person by what they're wearing, what they say, attitude, etc. My version of a secretary may not be what someone else finds attractive (something as simple as a blonde VS. a brunette, long hair or short hair, etc.), so the entire story might not work for them. I like to capture someone's "essence" and hopefully, you see your own version of the archetype and can connect to it.
Like this story for example, I had my own picture Janie in my head and enjoyed it.
jamie jugs
TMF Poster
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2009
- Messages
- 112
- Points
- 0
a fun read ftickler...thanks for taking the time to get your ticklish scenario down on paper!! can i volunteer to be your physical representation of Janie? she sounds like a fun gal, and i'd be honored plus, then i could fantasize about ending up in all of the varied tickling scenarios you'll go on to create for her. then again, i might not be AT ALL what you had in mind
anyway, just figured i'd drop ya line...hope if don't offend you (or worse, seem pushy, yikes)! jugs
plus, then i could fantasize about ending up in all of the varied tickling scenarios you'll go on to create for her. then again, i might not be AT ALL what you had in mind anyway, just figured i'd drop ya line...hope if don't offend you (or worse, seem pushy, yikes)! jugs
