This is going to be a long one, folks. It is tickling related, I swear (or else I would've put it in General), but it's going to take me a minute to get there.
Now, I'm not going to assume anyone really remembers me here. That's okay. I just found out that it's been a year since I've posted. A year. I sat here for a second, trying to figure out why. There's a lot that happened in a year and I'm not going to go into all the details.
One of the reasons I was gone was because I was in a relationship that I was unhappy in. In 2008, I moved to Washington state and started a relationship. You know, it was really great at first and he even knew about the fetish, but I knew I could never tell him all of it. He was young (22!) and didn't really understand. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I went into details (I like being tied up tickled, for instance), it was not going to go over well. Sex died in our relationship. We started fighting all the time. My computer is in our living room so I couldn't even visit here without him seeing it.
I started doing all the things that I told myself and other people not to do: hide a part of myself for a relationship. I hid my fetish, because I never thought he'd really understand. He and I broke up in December. I'm still living in the same apartment as he, saving up money and by the end of April, I'm heading back to the east coast to my family and friends.
So what in the hell does this have to do with anything, Vae, and why the crap should we care? I realized, even though I've been very aware of this kink since I was about fourteen or fifteen, I've never really "come out" to anyone. Sure, I've said the word and left it at that. But I never described it. I never want to because it bothered me so much that I wasn't "normal." That this little action, as normal as it can be, bothered me to the point of hating myself for it. So I buried it. Deep.
For the past year, my best friend from when I was 13 and on started to get close again. Really close. (It's a long, long story why we had to get close again and that's for another day) I started sharing all sorts of things about myself: what I wanted out of a relationship, what I wanted to do with my life. During the past six months, as close as we were, I started to realize something: I could tell him anything. I thought a lot, "I wonder if I could tell him. I wonder if I could tell him everything about my interests."
Long story short: I fell in love with him. Hard. Harder than I had with anyone before. I didn't really do anything about it until my prior relationship ended, but when it did? It was time. I proudly call him my boyfriend. Then I decided I had to share my interest in tickling with him. I wasn't about to enter another relationship, hiding this part of myself. It wasn't fair to me or to him.
It was the most difficult thing I remember doing. We sat on the phone and I tried desperately to get these words out. I couldn't even say the word "tickle," because it made me so uncomfortable. Finally, I started admitting things. Being bound up. The sensation itself. Dominance, submissiveness. What I liked, what I didn't. The shame spiral started and I did everything I could to avoid it, but it showed up. "Vae, you're a fucking sicko." "Vae, there's no way on earth he's going to see you how he saw you a few days ago. Because you're just goddamn weird."
Turns out a couple days later, we talked. He told me he was interested. He told me he wanted to know more, to experiment with me, to make it an active part of my life. And I wanted it. I didn't want to feel ashamed and he showed me I didn't have to be. In the end, I sobbed like a child. I cried so hard I couldn't speak, because there was someone who was going to love the shit out of me, no matter what. I realized that I didn't have to be ashamed any longer and that I would never have to bury my interests deep in the back of my mind.
So tonight, I introduced him to the TMF. It's Dawes and guys, please be nice. He's new. I almost don't know what to do with all these new feelings. I don't know what to do with the lack of fear and I get confused when the normal self-disgust begins to vanish. When I get eager to say, "Hey, can we try this? What do you think?" When I get eager to finally, finally buy some sort of bindings. To do all those things, after, what, ten years, I never thought I'd do.
So in the end, I'm trying to accept this part of myself. Finally. It's been long enough. I spent a lot of time, telling other people, "If he/she doesn't love you for it, dump them." I couldn't do it myself. I'm glad to have learned my own lesson.
That's my heart, all poured out. I want to be more active here. I want to re-establish my friendships here again. So hopefully, I'll see you guys around.
Thanks for listening.
Now, I'm not going to assume anyone really remembers me here. That's okay. I just found out that it's been a year since I've posted. A year. I sat here for a second, trying to figure out why. There's a lot that happened in a year and I'm not going to go into all the details.
One of the reasons I was gone was because I was in a relationship that I was unhappy in. In 2008, I moved to Washington state and started a relationship. You know, it was really great at first and he even knew about the fetish, but I knew I could never tell him all of it. He was young (22!) and didn't really understand. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I went into details (I like being tied up tickled, for instance), it was not going to go over well. Sex died in our relationship. We started fighting all the time. My computer is in our living room so I couldn't even visit here without him seeing it.
I started doing all the things that I told myself and other people not to do: hide a part of myself for a relationship. I hid my fetish, because I never thought he'd really understand. He and I broke up in December. I'm still living in the same apartment as he, saving up money and by the end of April, I'm heading back to the east coast to my family and friends.
So what in the hell does this have to do with anything, Vae, and why the crap should we care? I realized, even though I've been very aware of this kink since I was about fourteen or fifteen, I've never really "come out" to anyone. Sure, I've said the word and left it at that. But I never described it. I never want to because it bothered me so much that I wasn't "normal." That this little action, as normal as it can be, bothered me to the point of hating myself for it. So I buried it. Deep.
For the past year, my best friend from when I was 13 and on started to get close again. Really close. (It's a long, long story why we had to get close again and that's for another day) I started sharing all sorts of things about myself: what I wanted out of a relationship, what I wanted to do with my life. During the past six months, as close as we were, I started to realize something: I could tell him anything. I thought a lot, "I wonder if I could tell him. I wonder if I could tell him everything about my interests."
Long story short: I fell in love with him. Hard. Harder than I had with anyone before. I didn't really do anything about it until my prior relationship ended, but when it did? It was time. I proudly call him my boyfriend. Then I decided I had to share my interest in tickling with him. I wasn't about to enter another relationship, hiding this part of myself. It wasn't fair to me or to him.
It was the most difficult thing I remember doing. We sat on the phone and I tried desperately to get these words out. I couldn't even say the word "tickle," because it made me so uncomfortable. Finally, I started admitting things. Being bound up. The sensation itself. Dominance, submissiveness. What I liked, what I didn't. The shame spiral started and I did everything I could to avoid it, but it showed up. "Vae, you're a fucking sicko." "Vae, there's no way on earth he's going to see you how he saw you a few days ago. Because you're just goddamn weird."
Turns out a couple days later, we talked. He told me he was interested. He told me he wanted to know more, to experiment with me, to make it an active part of my life. And I wanted it. I didn't want to feel ashamed and he showed me I didn't have to be. In the end, I sobbed like a child. I cried so hard I couldn't speak, because there was someone who was going to love the shit out of me, no matter what. I realized that I didn't have to be ashamed any longer and that I would never have to bury my interests deep in the back of my mind.
So tonight, I introduced him to the TMF. It's Dawes and guys, please be nice. He's new. I almost don't know what to do with all these new feelings. I don't know what to do with the lack of fear and I get confused when the normal self-disgust begins to vanish. When I get eager to say, "Hey, can we try this? What do you think?" When I get eager to finally, finally buy some sort of bindings. To do all those things, after, what, ten years, I never thought I'd do.
So in the end, I'm trying to accept this part of myself. Finally. It's been long enough. I spent a lot of time, telling other people, "If he/she doesn't love you for it, dump them." I couldn't do it myself. I'm glad to have learned my own lesson.
That's my heart, all poured out. I want to be more active here. I want to re-establish my friendships here again. So hopefully, I'll see you guys around.
Thanks for listening.