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Acceptance (A "coming-out" story by Vae)

Vae

TMF Master
Joined
Dec 1, 2005
Messages
626
Points
0
This is going to be a long one, folks. It is tickling related, I swear (or else I would've put it in General), but it's going to take me a minute to get there. ;)

Now, I'm not going to assume anyone really remembers me here. That's okay. I just found out that it's been a year since I've posted. A year. I sat here for a second, trying to figure out why. There's a lot that happened in a year and I'm not going to go into all the details.

One of the reasons I was gone was because I was in a relationship that I was unhappy in. In 2008, I moved to Washington state and started a relationship. You know, it was really great at first and he even knew about the fetish, but I knew I could never tell him all of it. He was young (22!) and didn't really understand. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I went into details (I like being tied up tickled, for instance), it was not going to go over well. Sex died in our relationship. We started fighting all the time. My computer is in our living room so I couldn't even visit here without him seeing it.

I started doing all the things that I told myself and other people not to do: hide a part of myself for a relationship. I hid my fetish, because I never thought he'd really understand. He and I broke up in December. I'm still living in the same apartment as he, saving up money and by the end of April, I'm heading back to the east coast to my family and friends.

So what in the hell does this have to do with anything, Vae, and why the crap should we care? I realized, even though I've been very aware of this kink since I was about fourteen or fifteen, I've never really "come out" to anyone. Sure, I've said the word and left it at that. But I never described it. I never want to because it bothered me so much that I wasn't "normal." That this little action, as normal as it can be, bothered me to the point of hating myself for it. So I buried it. Deep.

For the past year, my best friend from when I was 13 and on started to get close again. Really close. (It's a long, long story why we had to get close again and that's for another day) I started sharing all sorts of things about myself: what I wanted out of a relationship, what I wanted to do with my life. During the past six months, as close as we were, I started to realize something: I could tell him anything. I thought a lot, "I wonder if I could tell him. I wonder if I could tell him everything about my interests."

Long story short: I fell in love with him. Hard. Harder than I had with anyone before. I didn't really do anything about it until my prior relationship ended, but when it did? It was time. I proudly call him my boyfriend. Then I decided I had to share my interest in tickling with him. I wasn't about to enter another relationship, hiding this part of myself. It wasn't fair to me or to him.

It was the most difficult thing I remember doing. We sat on the phone and I tried desperately to get these words out. I couldn't even say the word "tickle," because it made me so uncomfortable. Finally, I started admitting things. Being bound up. The sensation itself. Dominance, submissiveness. What I liked, what I didn't. The shame spiral started and I did everything I could to avoid it, but it showed up. "Vae, you're a fucking sicko." "Vae, there's no way on earth he's going to see you how he saw you a few days ago. Because you're just goddamn weird."

Turns out a couple days later, we talked. He told me he was interested. He told me he wanted to know more, to experiment with me, to make it an active part of my life. And I wanted it. I didn't want to feel ashamed and he showed me I didn't have to be. In the end, I sobbed like a child. I cried so hard I couldn't speak, because there was someone who was going to love the shit out of me, no matter what. I realized that I didn't have to be ashamed any longer and that I would never have to bury my interests deep in the back of my mind.

So tonight, I introduced him to the TMF. It's Dawes and guys, please be nice. He's new. :) I almost don't know what to do with all these new feelings. I don't know what to do with the lack of fear and I get confused when the normal self-disgust begins to vanish. When I get eager to say, "Hey, can we try this? What do you think?" When I get eager to finally, finally buy some sort of bindings. To do all those things, after, what, ten years, I never thought I'd do.

So in the end, I'm trying to accept this part of myself. Finally. It's been long enough. I spent a lot of time, telling other people, "If he/she doesn't love you for it, dump them." I couldn't do it myself. I'm glad to have learned my own lesson.

That's my heart, all poured out. I want to be more active here. I want to re-establish my friendships here again. So hopefully, I'll see you guys around.

Thanks for listening. :)
 
Is it trendy to respond right away to this post and say, "Well, I'm so glad you got to share this side of you!"

It's a very liberating feeling, though, to be able to finally come free with this awesome part of yourself! Now we just have to work together and figure out exactly what it is that kicks ass and what it is that we need to learn more about.

Blank pages over here!
 
I'm sooooo happy for you!! It must be so liberating to successfully share all that you have. Welcome back!!
 
Welcome back Vae...you are surely remembered...It is never easy giving all of yourself to another, but when it happens and it is accepted....there is nothing like it....

Kudos for being so brave and kudos to Dawes for taking and interest and not freaking out like many do who do not understand nor take the time to...
 
Welcome back Vae...you are surely remembered...It is never easy giving all of yourself to another, but when it happens and it is accepted....there is nothing like it....

Kudos for being so brave and kudos to Dawes for taking and interest and not freaking out like many do who do not understand nor take the time to...

Amen Reverend

Please alllow me to add my kudos to the both of you and I forward my wishes for a long and happy time for the both of you together. :D
 
Thanks, Venray, and you too, Dogg! You guys kick ass.

I don't get it when people freak out. It could very well be due to the fact that I've got my own alternative interests. That aside, it makes my heart swell to be trusted with something so special as this. The world of tickling is still sort of flashing by me and not yet slowing down, so I'm still stumbling around with blurs in front of my face, but once I discover exactly how these things work, I want to be as supportive and as involved as I possibly can be!
 
You guys are amazing. All of you. I have a feeling I might be crying with joy tonight.

And then later, crying because I'm so royally screwed in the bedroom it's not even funny.
 
Vae!!!!!



I was wondering where my favorite teacher got to. Good to see you back!!
 
Way to go, Vae. Congratulations on taking the risk and succeeding. :couch:
Welcome back. :grouphug:
 
:twohugs:I'm sooo happy for you! its the best feeling in the world when you tell someone something about yourself, and they still love you:happyfloa
happy tickling!
 
At least I do remember your avatar!(the avatars do help me to remember), welcome back!, Vae.

If the greatest wisdom is to feel happy with what you are (like a tiger happy with its owns spots) the greatest happiness is to be accepted for what you are by the rest of the pack and specially beloved ones. Good luck to you and your partner Dawes.
 
You guys are great and I've really forgotten how much I've missed it here! I need to catch up with soooo many people.

Thank you for the kind words. It's been a whole new experience. It's very different for me to think, "He knows everything" as opposed to, "Well, he thinks I like being tickled a little." Big difference. I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. :)
 
Congratulations you've found someone who can accept this, and doesn't freak out and act crazy. Gives hope for the rest of us. I still have to rent models to tie up and tickle in order to scratch that itch. I've gotten so many negative responses I gotten gun shy about dating.
Glad it's working out for you while your still young.
 
I'm sorry to hear you've had to be reclusive for so long. I know how much that sucks. As far as now, and the two of you, that's freakin' awesome! :D Welcome back, Vae! It's great to see a familiar face, and it's nice to meet you, Dawes!
 
:aww: Well this is just about the best thing I've heard all week. Congrats to you and Dawes. I love hearing stuff like this...best of luck to you both!
 
Awesome post Vae (and Dawes). I hope others read this and are inspired to do the same. Or at least start considering it. :)
 
Awesome post Vae (and Dawes). I hope others read this and are inspired to do the same. Or at least start considering it. :)

Amen to that!

So glad you guys decided to share this story with everyone. You could have so easily kept it to yourselves and still been apart of the forum. So seriously, thanks for sharing this with everyone here Vae and Dawes. You guys rock! :D

My best to you both. ;)
 
Welcome back, Vae. Welcome, Dawes.

I know it's not easy admitting your desires to another person. It's the hardest thing in the world because you're afraid that person will look at you like you're a sick freak. I'm glad you've found someone who not only accepts you for who you are and what you desire, but is open to and embracing your desires.
 
It's the hardest thing in the world because you're afraid that person will look at you like you're a sick freak.

So true, and so disappointing. :( There are too many people in this world who will too quickly judge based on their own "normality" and their own discomforts. Embracing these more hidden aspects of one you love is one of the most exciting and rewarding experiences. The layers just keep going and going, and what's more fun in love and friendship than constant discovery?

And thank you, too, for all the well-wishes everybody!
 
Certainly I remember you, Vae. What a touching post. Please do stick around. :)
 
Congrats babe. That's wonderful. And good for you, Dawes, for being awesome about it :) Lots of good times ahead for the two of you, I'm sure :)
 
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