Every once in a while a question or article appears here trying to explain or trying to find a way to overcome, the tickling fetish. Why should we attempt anything so absurd? And how?
In this article I have tried to express both how and what could lead one to not want to be dependent on something so superficially harmless and fun. Hope I don’t upset anyone’s feelings, or be seen to be trying to preach. My focus is more on a kind of phenomenological analysis of the issue than trying to tell anyone what they should do. And be warned, it is also rather long.
I have written specifically from a male point of view. I cannot make judgements about female fetishism, but am happy to hear if any of this holds true as well.
<B>Definitions</B> (mine):
A fetish is an activity, situation, object or body part, the thought or carrying out of which substitutes for the activity or thought of the potential sexual partner, the sex act itself or those organs normally associated with sex such as breasts, penis, vulva etc.
A fetishist is someone who is aroused by the thought of a body part, action or object other than the thought of the sex act or sexual organs, or the thought of the sexual partner, and substitutes this in place of those corresponding directly with the sex act or the direct relationship with the sexual partner. (Even if the sex act, as in a majority of cases, forms a part of the process of achieving orgasm.)
I am aware that these definitions are a little narrower than is generally accepted, but I believe they apply to many people who are deeply entrenched in their own fetish.
How does such a fetish start, develop from early fascination through to a gradual addiction? Where do we draw the lines between kinkiness and perversion, between social integration and a sexuality that is isolated in itself, independent of any physical partner? And most of all, what happens as the years go by and the person develops a dual personality – a normal self that functions in the world, and a second persona that comes out at night (or day) when for a period of several hours preoccupation with the fetish determines what rules the person’s life, how he spends his money and time, what occupies his attention?
I have called the stages of development:
1. Fascination and Exploration
2. Fantasising and Interchange (with the process of masturbation)
3. Fixation and Integration (into personal life circumstances)
4. Addiction and Isolation
5. Disillusionment and either Transformation or Decadence.
Most people will agree that a fetish develops in childhood – sometimes early childhood – out of a kind of fascination with an activity, body part or object. We could call this the period of <b>fascination and exploration.</b> An action like spanking or tickling is explored in random circumstances, or an object poses an irresistible attraction. Experimentation is non-committal, the interest both in the object and in the corresponding inner reaction. But it is more as a phenomenon itself that is explored, without the purpose of arousal.
The second stage is reached with puberty, when physical sexual desire leads to masturbation, and the intensity of arousal and ensuing orgasm are found to be related to fantasies of the fetish. Now begins a time that we can call <b>fantasising and interchange,</b> where we explore details of our fantasy, particular words, exact moments or circumstances that arouse desire. The fantasies are repeated endlessly, the fetish takes on an individual and exact form.
Gradually this leads to changes in behaviour. We live out this or that fantasy, begin to apply it to relationships with a partner, spend money on accessories, develop a hidden or open second life with serves the fetish. This period we could name the time of <b>fixation and integration</b> – the fetish becomes fixed and formed, and it is integrated into ones life, possible marriage, and circumstances.
But he fixation becomes increasingly one-sided, affecting one’s sex life, relationship with one’s partner and so on. It begins to become dominant in determining ones life choices, can become expensive and increasingly divorced from outer realities. This shows all the classical symptoms of <b>addiction and isolation.</b>
As the person grows older, what was an understandable, often harmless and fun kinkiness can begin to affect reputation, lead to instances where behaviour can be seen as harassment, break down marriage relations, and lead to overspending, secretiveness, unexplained absences and so on. It is merely a matter of time before either the person himself becomes aware of this, or it is brought to his attention by society – and could lead from social ostracism to job loss right through to criminal charges.
Now begins a time of reflection, one that we can call <b>disillusionment and either transformation or decadence,</b> where some tough decisions have to be taken. The nature of this reflection depends on the kind of person we are – i.e. do we tend to accept that circumstances have made us the way we are, and allow things to take their course? Or do we feel we are personally responsible and can decide to bring about the changes we would like to see?
Here we are haunted by the results of the time of fantasising and interchange. It is the key period in which the fetish developed its final form.
For sexual stimulation comes from two different sources. One is from <b>physical desire</b> or plain horniness. And the other through <b>sense impressions</b> (a beautiful woman, man, a piece of underwear hanging on the line - whatever) and the thoughts and fantasies arising through them (a woman’s feet, someone being spanked or tickled, soft silkiness, etc.) It soon takes very little to trigger off this more <b>mental/emotional stimulus,</b> which arouses the desire for physical gratification. This happens even when the innate physical desire is absent; we are still sore from last night’s shenanigans and so on.
Soon the mere memory or sudden mental image of a sense impression is enough to arouse desire and consequently we become both mentally and physically dependent on the fetish for our sexual gratification. Later in life, when actual physical desire wanes, there is still an emotional need for sexual stimulation and fulfilment, as it has become part of our self-image as males. We may have little actual physical desire, but the mental need for sex or masturbation and preoccupation with the fetish drives us on.
So what to do?
How to we transform this if we do not like it? How do we change behaviour?
To me, a change in basic behavioural patterns is not unlike the renovation of a house or some public works system (roads, drainage, electric). The first step is to shut down the system so that an investigation can be made and a plan of action worked out. (If, that is, one has not decided to immediately go the route of therapy). This shutting down of the system needs preparation and planning in order to be effective.
You could choose a time when you are not in the middle of every other normal routine surrounding you and decide, for the next 21 days that no sexual activity or masturbation will take place. Instead, spend some time each day reflecting on the nature of your fetish, look back on its origins, the course of its development, its main effects on your life. Become clear about what is physical desire and mental/emotional need. After about 10 – 30 minutes, go about the rest of your life. As thoughts about the fetish will only make the process worse, they take on a very minor role during this period.
One of the first things we become aware of is how difficult it is to let go of the emotional need for sexual gratification. Take any Viagra advert. It does not address the physical desire for sex, promising a permanent erection. No, they appeal to your male image as being able to satisfy your woman – perhaps several at once, to stay young and so on. Their success clearly illustrates that the self-image as a stud of the modern male is reliant upon continued sexual activity. A whole system of values, routine and habits ties us into this pattern
So we investigate for ourselves how much actual physical desire for sex has remained. It is a process many women have to go through all over the world as a matter of course as they leave menopause, and often male company, behind them.
The second thing we need to experiment with is whether, if we are denied gratification for any extended period, starting with a few weeks, the desire gradually increases or begins to wane?
On the basis of such personal investigation, we can make choices for our life ahead.
If we decide on transformation, what form is this to take? Like habitual smoking or eating, some plan with a chance of success needs to be clear, like further extended periods of abstinence, perhaps lengthening the duration each time.
But above all, the values that have driven us need to be replaced. All that time spent preoccupied with one’s fetish, the money spent on accessories and audio-visual material, and so on, chatting on forums like this, trying to find like-minded people…
In this article I have tried to express both how and what could lead one to not want to be dependent on something so superficially harmless and fun. Hope I don’t upset anyone’s feelings, or be seen to be trying to preach. My focus is more on a kind of phenomenological analysis of the issue than trying to tell anyone what they should do. And be warned, it is also rather long.
I have written specifically from a male point of view. I cannot make judgements about female fetishism, but am happy to hear if any of this holds true as well.
<B>Definitions</B> (mine):
A fetish is an activity, situation, object or body part, the thought or carrying out of which substitutes for the activity or thought of the potential sexual partner, the sex act itself or those organs normally associated with sex such as breasts, penis, vulva etc.
A fetishist is someone who is aroused by the thought of a body part, action or object other than the thought of the sex act or sexual organs, or the thought of the sexual partner, and substitutes this in place of those corresponding directly with the sex act or the direct relationship with the sexual partner. (Even if the sex act, as in a majority of cases, forms a part of the process of achieving orgasm.)
I am aware that these definitions are a little narrower than is generally accepted, but I believe they apply to many people who are deeply entrenched in their own fetish.
How does such a fetish start, develop from early fascination through to a gradual addiction? Where do we draw the lines between kinkiness and perversion, between social integration and a sexuality that is isolated in itself, independent of any physical partner? And most of all, what happens as the years go by and the person develops a dual personality – a normal self that functions in the world, and a second persona that comes out at night (or day) when for a period of several hours preoccupation with the fetish determines what rules the person’s life, how he spends his money and time, what occupies his attention?
I have called the stages of development:
1. Fascination and Exploration
2. Fantasising and Interchange (with the process of masturbation)
3. Fixation and Integration (into personal life circumstances)
4. Addiction and Isolation
5. Disillusionment and either Transformation or Decadence.
Most people will agree that a fetish develops in childhood – sometimes early childhood – out of a kind of fascination with an activity, body part or object. We could call this the period of <b>fascination and exploration.</b> An action like spanking or tickling is explored in random circumstances, or an object poses an irresistible attraction. Experimentation is non-committal, the interest both in the object and in the corresponding inner reaction. But it is more as a phenomenon itself that is explored, without the purpose of arousal.
The second stage is reached with puberty, when physical sexual desire leads to masturbation, and the intensity of arousal and ensuing orgasm are found to be related to fantasies of the fetish. Now begins a time that we can call <b>fantasising and interchange,</b> where we explore details of our fantasy, particular words, exact moments or circumstances that arouse desire. The fantasies are repeated endlessly, the fetish takes on an individual and exact form.
Gradually this leads to changes in behaviour. We live out this or that fantasy, begin to apply it to relationships with a partner, spend money on accessories, develop a hidden or open second life with serves the fetish. This period we could name the time of <b>fixation and integration</b> – the fetish becomes fixed and formed, and it is integrated into ones life, possible marriage, and circumstances.
But he fixation becomes increasingly one-sided, affecting one’s sex life, relationship with one’s partner and so on. It begins to become dominant in determining ones life choices, can become expensive and increasingly divorced from outer realities. This shows all the classical symptoms of <b>addiction and isolation.</b>
As the person grows older, what was an understandable, often harmless and fun kinkiness can begin to affect reputation, lead to instances where behaviour can be seen as harassment, break down marriage relations, and lead to overspending, secretiveness, unexplained absences and so on. It is merely a matter of time before either the person himself becomes aware of this, or it is brought to his attention by society – and could lead from social ostracism to job loss right through to criminal charges.
Now begins a time of reflection, one that we can call <b>disillusionment and either transformation or decadence,</b> where some tough decisions have to be taken. The nature of this reflection depends on the kind of person we are – i.e. do we tend to accept that circumstances have made us the way we are, and allow things to take their course? Or do we feel we are personally responsible and can decide to bring about the changes we would like to see?
Here we are haunted by the results of the time of fantasising and interchange. It is the key period in which the fetish developed its final form.
For sexual stimulation comes from two different sources. One is from <b>physical desire</b> or plain horniness. And the other through <b>sense impressions</b> (a beautiful woman, man, a piece of underwear hanging on the line - whatever) and the thoughts and fantasies arising through them (a woman’s feet, someone being spanked or tickled, soft silkiness, etc.) It soon takes very little to trigger off this more <b>mental/emotional stimulus,</b> which arouses the desire for physical gratification. This happens even when the innate physical desire is absent; we are still sore from last night’s shenanigans and so on.
Soon the mere memory or sudden mental image of a sense impression is enough to arouse desire and consequently we become both mentally and physically dependent on the fetish for our sexual gratification. Later in life, when actual physical desire wanes, there is still an emotional need for sexual stimulation and fulfilment, as it has become part of our self-image as males. We may have little actual physical desire, but the mental need for sex or masturbation and preoccupation with the fetish drives us on.
So what to do?
How to we transform this if we do not like it? How do we change behaviour?
To me, a change in basic behavioural patterns is not unlike the renovation of a house or some public works system (roads, drainage, electric). The first step is to shut down the system so that an investigation can be made and a plan of action worked out. (If, that is, one has not decided to immediately go the route of therapy). This shutting down of the system needs preparation and planning in order to be effective.
You could choose a time when you are not in the middle of every other normal routine surrounding you and decide, for the next 21 days that no sexual activity or masturbation will take place. Instead, spend some time each day reflecting on the nature of your fetish, look back on its origins, the course of its development, its main effects on your life. Become clear about what is physical desire and mental/emotional need. After about 10 – 30 minutes, go about the rest of your life. As thoughts about the fetish will only make the process worse, they take on a very minor role during this period.
One of the first things we become aware of is how difficult it is to let go of the emotional need for sexual gratification. Take any Viagra advert. It does not address the physical desire for sex, promising a permanent erection. No, they appeal to your male image as being able to satisfy your woman – perhaps several at once, to stay young and so on. Their success clearly illustrates that the self-image as a stud of the modern male is reliant upon continued sexual activity. A whole system of values, routine and habits ties us into this pattern
So we investigate for ourselves how much actual physical desire for sex has remained. It is a process many women have to go through all over the world as a matter of course as they leave menopause, and often male company, behind them.
The second thing we need to experiment with is whether, if we are denied gratification for any extended period, starting with a few weeks, the desire gradually increases or begins to wane?
On the basis of such personal investigation, we can make choices for our life ahead.
If we decide on transformation, what form is this to take? Like habitual smoking or eating, some plan with a chance of success needs to be clear, like further extended periods of abstinence, perhaps lengthening the duration each time.
But above all, the values that have driven us need to be replaced. All that time spent preoccupied with one’s fetish, the money spent on accessories and audio-visual material, and so on, chatting on forums like this, trying to find like-minded people…
I can see the funny side of the situation too because I'm personally not looking to settle down at the moment anyway. I have no money!!!! It's like "thanks a lot god for bestowing this unusual fetish that nobody seems to know about upon me!!!!" But yeah one day things will be cool.
