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The Ticklish case of O’Brien vs Craig. Newbridge 1954

mart

3rd Level Red Feather
Joined
Nov 25, 2004
Messages
1,527
Points
36
There is a spoof written by John Cleese many years ago that takes place in a British courtroom, the judge a titled old fart with blue-blooded upbringing at Eton and Oxford, stuffy as all hell. I have been unable to find it since.
The barrister for the defence opens by saying: “Your Honour, on behalf of my client I plead not guilty to the charge of having stolen the new combination radiogram cassette recorder…”

The judge interrupts, glaring down at him over his bifocals: “radiogram cassette recorder? What’s that?”

Barrister: Well, Your Worship, it’s a radio, record player and tape recorder all in one.”

Judge (incredulous): “What will they think of next?!”

Barrister: And furthermore, it is not true that my client stole the new videotape recorder…”

Judge: Videotape recorder? What’s that!”

Barrister: Well. Your Sir, it’s a bit like a tape recorder, but it plays films rather than music.”

Judge: What will they think of next?!”

Barrister: And finally, my client pleads not guilty to the theft of the new rubber woman that has recently…

Judge (lecherous): Is that the one with the real hair?!”

The above prompted me to write up the following little scene:

The Ticklish case of O’Brien vs Craig. Newbridge 1954
The case of O’Brien vs Craig (1954) as recorded by the Clerk of the District Court, Newbridge, County Cork Presiding Judge, His Lordship Justice Alfred Meyerton.

Miss Colleen O’Brien (plaintiff) had laid charges of assault and battery, enslavement and violation against Mr Henry Craig (defendant). That he did illegally enter the offices and practice of Dr Arthur Leary, Dental Surgeon, after official closing hours; that he did tie her with bonds upon the said Doctor’s dentist chair: that he did partially disrobe her by removing her footwear and did violate and torture her.

On the Judge’s bench: The Lord Justice Alfred Meyerton (Bart.) (JM)
Honourable Counsel for the Plaintiff: Mr Randolph Davenport
Honourable Counsel for the Defence: Sir Anthony Hanshaw
Plaintiff: Miss Colleen O’Brien (CO)
Defendant: Mr Henry Craig

Narrator: Good day, all. This was sent me by a friend, who found it by chance amongst some court records while in southern Ireland on a recent visit. I’ve skipped the opening statements and court formalities. Here’s the bit that makes one wonder…

Mr Randolph Davenport – Counsel for the plaintiff (RD)
Go on, Miss o’Brien, what did the defendant do next?

CO: Well, sir, he started tickling my feet with his fingers, sir. He must have done it for about half an hour.

RD: And all this time you were bound fast. You could do nothing to prevent such vicious and criminal violation of your privacy and person?

CO: Well no sir, all I could do was to laugh and scream. I asked him to stop the whole time, but he just wouldn’t.

Judge Meyerton, Lord Justice of the District Court (JM): A moment, Mr Davenport. This Court is very interested in determining the sequence of events. I should like to examine this witness personally on certain details.

Young woman, let us go back to the beginning. You say the defendant required you to sit on your employer’s chair and bound you fast. Tell us exactly what occurred next, if you would be so kind?

CO: Well if you please, your Worship, he took off my shoes and socks. Then he had this feather tucked away somewhere and started to tickle my feet with it.

JM: Not so fast, young woman! I am trying acquaint myself with the exact sequence of events. He took off both shoes, then the socks and …

CO: Well no, come to think of it, Your Worship. I didn’t think it was important, sir. But he took off both of my shoes first, and then just one sock. After that, he got out that damn feather and began to tickle my bare foot.

JM: Very well, young lady. Now we are getting closer to the truth. And how exactly did he do this?

CO: Why, your Worship, he was tickling with the tip of the feather all over the bare sole of my foot and my toes, making me go hysterical. But sir, I don’t know what all this has to do with…

JM: Now, you let me be the judge of that, Miss o’Brien,. We shall get to the bottom of this yet. I pray you, would you proceed. What did the defendant do next.

CO: Well, Your Lordship sir, it still makes me shudder when I think of it now, sir. But he held my foot still by the toes, then he dropped his feather, sir, and started tickling the bottom of my foot with his fingernails. You must know sir, I just can’t stand that, sir. It makes me go out of my mind, sir. And he tortured me forever, sir.

JM: Tortured, Miss o’Brien?

CO: If you’ll pardon me, your Worship, you have no idea how ticklish I am on the soles my feet. You can ask my boyfriend, or anyone in my family, sir.

JM: It happens often then?

CO: Well sir, no sir! Mostly it’s just a bit of fun, like when my boyfriend does it to me. But that’s not the point, your Worship. That animal over there (pointing at the defendant), that fookin’… SAVAGE; I thought he was going to rape me! He tied me up! He took advantage of his bloody enormous bulk…

JM. Miss 0’Brien, I must warn you about the use of coarse language in this court.

CO: I beg you pardon, your Worship, Sir, but when I just look at that mean foock over there with that lecherous smile on his face it looks like he would like to do it all over again.

JM: I’ll take a wager on that! But now, young woman, can we move on. Time is passing by. What next did the defendant do?

CO: He did the same thing to my other foot.

JM: Can you please be quite specific, please.

Voice from the courtroom: I can’t stand any more of this. Stop messin’ with her, you foockin’ pervert! That’s me bloody girlfriend!

JM: Silence in Court, sir. or you will be held in contempt.

Same voice: Can’t any of you see what he’s foockin’ doin’? How can one expect joostice when the bloody joodge has a massive foockin’ ragin’ great foot fetish himself?

JM: Bailiff, clear this courtroom instantly! We shall hear the full testimony of this witness with no further interruption

(Considerable noise as spectators file out.)

Boyfriend’ voice: What about you, Mr Randolph foockin’ Davenport. What the fook are we payin’ you for? You’re no foockin’ barrister’s backside…

CO: Please Rodney, let it go…

Present in Court: Counsels for plaintiff and defence, defendant, clerk, bailiff, Judge Meyerton.

JM: Gentlemen, can we proceed? Where were we? Ah yes, Miss O’Brien, you were going to describe to us what the defendant did next. Please take all the time you need and try to be accurate.

CO: Well sir, just like before, he took the sock off my left foot.? He got his feather again and started to tickle me on the naked sole of that foot…

JM: Gentlemen, I think we have heard enough to warrant a full, in situ re-enactment of the events of this case. Bailiff, have Doctor Leary notified that he receive us in his surgery in 20 minutes and to please have available a chair. I trust there is no objection from Counsel for the defence if the Court does so order at this time?

Defendant, Mr Craig: No your Worship sir, no objection at all from the defence, sir. It will be our pleasure to cooperate fully with any desire your Worship may have, sir.
 
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