This is a story for people who struggle with desires, it's not a story to get your rocks off. Nothing really erotic here, just something that might help you if you're having trouble accepting parts of yourself- camaraderie and all that
It's semi-true, as in some of this stuff actually happened to me, but not all. Hope it's okay to put here since its different than the other stuff.
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“You coming back tomorrow?” Jarrod leaned against the doorframe as Kate walked out.
“Thinking about it.” She gave him a sly smile, which he returned.
They held each other and kissed. This was their fourth time hanging out since dating. Jarrod could feel his body shiver as he kissed Kate. His body wanted more, and he could tell hers did too, but…
She pulled back. “Tomorrow,” she said, “I’m ready, but it’s too late tonight. I don’t want it to be over too soon.”
Jarrod smiled. “Oh, well no worries about that with me. When it’s over you won’t even believe two days went by.”
“Mmmmhmmm.” Kate rolled her eyes. “Goodnight, Jarrod.”
“Night, Kate.”
He closed the door, smiled, and shook his fist with a smile on his face. Tomorrow. God, how long had it been since last time? And to do it with Kate, a woman he found extremely attractive, far more so than past girlfriends, that was a real triumph.
Then he thought about his experiences with girls in the past, and his smile disappeared.
Sex meant Kate was going to see that other side of him, the part he was deeply ashamed of, the part he hated. It was the part of him that wanted her to tie him up and play with him.
Even as his mind briefly brought up the image he felt something stir in his chest, a kind of euphoria and excitement at the idea. He slammed his fist in his chest as if that would make it go away.
He was going to tell Kate soon, he had told all his old girlfriends eventually. Regular sex was nice, but after a few times he would get bored, and eventually incapable of performing properly. That was always embarrassing. What was even more embarrassing was explaining to them what he wanted them to do so he could keep going.
Jarrod fell into his couch and pounded his fist against his head. Losing a hard on in front of a girl is tough. She feels shitty because she thinks she’s doing something wrong, or isn’t attractive enough, and he feels even shittier because he has to explain to her that it’s all him and his stupid dick doesn’t think regular enough is a worthy enough affair to stay hard for.
So then, with a red face and plenty of stammering, he has to tell her what he likes. How he wants her to tie him up, have her way with him, tickle him, tease him, sit on his face, and any other way she can think to humiliate him (within reason and non-painfully). He wants her to make him beg her to stop, and he wants to pretend that he doesn’t like it.
Most of all he wants her to laugh, that was his biggest trigger. For whatever reason having a woman laugh at him always put him in the mood. It never failed to keep him aroused and ready to go.
And he hated that.
This desire conflicted with his perception of himself. He didn’t want women to see him that way, to think of him that way. He didn’t want them to think less of him, or that he was inferior to them.
His past experiences only made these desires harder to deal with.
Two relationships ago he was with Clara. Things were going alright with her until, inevitably, he stopped performing as well and had to make his confession. She didn’t ridicule him, or call him weird, she was kind about it. She played along, said it was fun.
For the first time Jarrod got to live his fantasies, and it was nice… while it was happening. When it was over he did not bask in the euphoria of release. He felt ashamed of himself, angry that he gave in and let her see him like that, upset that he couldn’t just do things the normal way. She assured he was being ridiculous, but he noticed she was satisfying herself less and less, and wanted to have sex less and less. Eventually she got to the point where she said she didn’t even like sex, it was “too much work.” Jarrod felt too guilty to press the issue. Since she never took time to satisfy herself he was the only one who ever came during their time together and he felt selfish.
Eventually they broke up, for a variety of reasons, but that was one of them. It wasn’t an angry breakup. She found someone else not long after, and another guy not long after that. Word reached him that she was having sex a lot, and really loving it. Spreading word around that she hadn’t had it in a long time and her last boyfriend was into “weird stuff.”
That was a hard low point.
He didn’t have much drive to go after women after that, so Melissa came to him. He resisted at first, but gave in after a while. Might as well try.
When it was finally time to confess to Melissa she got excited- very excited. She said she had never thought about doing that stuff before, but found it insanely fun.
Jarrod thought he was the luckiest person in the world. Melissa got into it. She knew exactly what to do, exactly how tease him and push his buttons. She genuinely enjoyed it. Jarrod still felt shamed afterward, but he couldn’t deny it was the best sex he ever had.
But soon Jarrod realized something.
Melissa was too into it.
The game wasn’t over after they were finished. She would keep demeaning him after they were done, telling him he had to do what she said. Sometimes she would try and force him to do things even when he genuinely didn’t want to. He started to think she really believed she was his master.
He did not like that. It was just a game for him, something to do in the bedroom, not a fantasy to live 24/7. Outside of those small indulges he wanted a partner, not someone who domineered him. She didn’t see him for the man he was. His old fear that someone would think less of him because of his desires became a reality. So he cut it off.
Now, despite telling himself a hundred times he would never try again, here he was with Kate.
“God damn it.” Jarrod let his hands fall limp by his sides and he stared at the ceiling.
He had played everything right with Kate. He had been confident, but not cocky. She respected him, but still knew his humble side. She laughed with him, knew how to smile with him. When she looked at him he could see admiration in her eyes, and he returned it a hundred fold.
Once he told her, would she lose that?
He punched the couch.
Of course she would. “You lose it the second you can’t keep your god damn hard on,” he thought to himself, “What comes after only digs the grave further.”
He leaned over and dug his hands into his head. “Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I find regular sex so damn boring? FUCK!”
He fell back into the couch.
“I don’t want to disappoint her…”
He shook his head. “Can’t act like that, can’t be a pussy. You gotta be confident, always. Never let people see that weak side. It’s annoys them.”
He stared at the wall for a few minutes. He started thinking about Kate- her cynicism, her smile, the way she could be so opinionated and so nice at the same time- and he smiled.
He stood up and walked to his bedroom.
“Whatever happens is gonna happen. It’s never perfect.” He shut the door and got ready for bed. “Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.” With that he shut off the light.
It's semi-true, as in some of this stuff actually happened to me, but not all. Hope it's okay to put here since its different than the other stuff.
---------
“You coming back tomorrow?” Jarrod leaned against the doorframe as Kate walked out.
“Thinking about it.” She gave him a sly smile, which he returned.
They held each other and kissed. This was their fourth time hanging out since dating. Jarrod could feel his body shiver as he kissed Kate. His body wanted more, and he could tell hers did too, but…
She pulled back. “Tomorrow,” she said, “I’m ready, but it’s too late tonight. I don’t want it to be over too soon.”
Jarrod smiled. “Oh, well no worries about that with me. When it’s over you won’t even believe two days went by.”
“Mmmmhmmm.” Kate rolled her eyes. “Goodnight, Jarrod.”
“Night, Kate.”
He closed the door, smiled, and shook his fist with a smile on his face. Tomorrow. God, how long had it been since last time? And to do it with Kate, a woman he found extremely attractive, far more so than past girlfriends, that was a real triumph.
Then he thought about his experiences with girls in the past, and his smile disappeared.
Sex meant Kate was going to see that other side of him, the part he was deeply ashamed of, the part he hated. It was the part of him that wanted her to tie him up and play with him.
Even as his mind briefly brought up the image he felt something stir in his chest, a kind of euphoria and excitement at the idea. He slammed his fist in his chest as if that would make it go away.
He was going to tell Kate soon, he had told all his old girlfriends eventually. Regular sex was nice, but after a few times he would get bored, and eventually incapable of performing properly. That was always embarrassing. What was even more embarrassing was explaining to them what he wanted them to do so he could keep going.
Jarrod fell into his couch and pounded his fist against his head. Losing a hard on in front of a girl is tough. She feels shitty because she thinks she’s doing something wrong, or isn’t attractive enough, and he feels even shittier because he has to explain to her that it’s all him and his stupid dick doesn’t think regular enough is a worthy enough affair to stay hard for.
So then, with a red face and plenty of stammering, he has to tell her what he likes. How he wants her to tie him up, have her way with him, tickle him, tease him, sit on his face, and any other way she can think to humiliate him (within reason and non-painfully). He wants her to make him beg her to stop, and he wants to pretend that he doesn’t like it.
Most of all he wants her to laugh, that was his biggest trigger. For whatever reason having a woman laugh at him always put him in the mood. It never failed to keep him aroused and ready to go.
And he hated that.
This desire conflicted with his perception of himself. He didn’t want women to see him that way, to think of him that way. He didn’t want them to think less of him, or that he was inferior to them.
His past experiences only made these desires harder to deal with.
Two relationships ago he was with Clara. Things were going alright with her until, inevitably, he stopped performing as well and had to make his confession. She didn’t ridicule him, or call him weird, she was kind about it. She played along, said it was fun.
For the first time Jarrod got to live his fantasies, and it was nice… while it was happening. When it was over he did not bask in the euphoria of release. He felt ashamed of himself, angry that he gave in and let her see him like that, upset that he couldn’t just do things the normal way. She assured he was being ridiculous, but he noticed she was satisfying herself less and less, and wanted to have sex less and less. Eventually she got to the point where she said she didn’t even like sex, it was “too much work.” Jarrod felt too guilty to press the issue. Since she never took time to satisfy herself he was the only one who ever came during their time together and he felt selfish.
Eventually they broke up, for a variety of reasons, but that was one of them. It wasn’t an angry breakup. She found someone else not long after, and another guy not long after that. Word reached him that she was having sex a lot, and really loving it. Spreading word around that she hadn’t had it in a long time and her last boyfriend was into “weird stuff.”
That was a hard low point.
He didn’t have much drive to go after women after that, so Melissa came to him. He resisted at first, but gave in after a while. Might as well try.
When it was finally time to confess to Melissa she got excited- very excited. She said she had never thought about doing that stuff before, but found it insanely fun.
Jarrod thought he was the luckiest person in the world. Melissa got into it. She knew exactly what to do, exactly how tease him and push his buttons. She genuinely enjoyed it. Jarrod still felt shamed afterward, but he couldn’t deny it was the best sex he ever had.
But soon Jarrod realized something.
Melissa was too into it.
The game wasn’t over after they were finished. She would keep demeaning him after they were done, telling him he had to do what she said. Sometimes she would try and force him to do things even when he genuinely didn’t want to. He started to think she really believed she was his master.
He did not like that. It was just a game for him, something to do in the bedroom, not a fantasy to live 24/7. Outside of those small indulges he wanted a partner, not someone who domineered him. She didn’t see him for the man he was. His old fear that someone would think less of him because of his desires became a reality. So he cut it off.
Now, despite telling himself a hundred times he would never try again, here he was with Kate.
“God damn it.” Jarrod let his hands fall limp by his sides and he stared at the ceiling.
He had played everything right with Kate. He had been confident, but not cocky. She respected him, but still knew his humble side. She laughed with him, knew how to smile with him. When she looked at him he could see admiration in her eyes, and he returned it a hundred fold.
Once he told her, would she lose that?
He punched the couch.
Of course she would. “You lose it the second you can’t keep your god damn hard on,” he thought to himself, “What comes after only digs the grave further.”
He leaned over and dug his hands into his head. “Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I find regular sex so damn boring? FUCK!”
He fell back into the couch.
“I don’t want to disappoint her…”
He shook his head. “Can’t act like that, can’t be a pussy. You gotta be confident, always. Never let people see that weak side. It’s annoys them.”
He stared at the wall for a few minutes. He started thinking about Kate- her cynicism, her smile, the way she could be so opinionated and so nice at the same time- and he smiled.
He stood up and walked to his bedroom.
“Whatever happens is gonna happen. It’s never perfect.” He shut the door and got ready for bed. “Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.” With that he shut off the light.
