And now for something completely different….
Go down to the line of *****’s for the start of the story proper if you want to skip my usual waffle.
While feedback on my ‘serious’ stuff (current chapter of which is here) has ranged from good to great I felt like I needed to take a break from it for a while and switch to something else. So it gives me great pleasure to announce the pilot episode of the tickling endurance game show – Laughing For Loot! (ta-daaa!)
Okay, so it’s silly and (deliberately) corny in lots of places, but I’ve had the idea kicking around for a while and as a diversion it works very nicely indeed. A couple of acknowledgments are needed: First, thanks to Mimi for the theme song from this thread , perfect fit. And second, the links after the advert breaks are lifted straight from the classic Goon Shows. R.I.P. Spike, Peter and Harry, the world’s a lot darker without you.
*************************
Laughing For Loot – The Pilot
Announcer: This is London, calling the world!
Ragged Idiot: Haaallo World
Announcer: That was the voice of England
MC: Oh-ho, we’re in a bad way mate
Announcer: Quiet please, so I can welcome our television audience to the final of Laughing for Loot!
(Opening sequence rolls, grainy video of close-ups on several female faces in ticklish agony, superimposed with falling bank notes, all set to Alice Cooper’s Poison. Return to studio, camera panning round an impressive industrial designed set, all steel and sharp edges)
MC: Welcome everyone to this week’s final of Laughing for Loot! Over the last week we’ve gone from 30 hopeful contestants to 1 lucky finalist who today has the chance to walk out of our studio today up to one hundred thousand pounds richer. For those of you that have been with us all week you know we’d normally interview our contestant before starting the show, but she’s a little busy being prepared for tonight’s trial. So let’s remind ourselves of how she got here tonight.
(Video package of an attractive, young redhead being put through several ticklish endurance trials, stretched out on a rack as a feather covered roller passes overhead, grappling with a slightly taller blond in a tickle fight inside a wrestling ring, the same blond tickling her feet as she writhes on the wrack, and random close-up shots of her laughing face. A text box flies in from the right of screen and overlays the video, popping up her info)
NAME: Mary
AGE: 23
HOME: London
HEIGHT: 5” 7’
VITAL STATISTICS: 34 30 36
MC: Yes, after making it all the way past the other 29 hopefuls Mary will tonight get her chance to go for the big bucks, by braving our specially built Tower Of Torture!
(Video package of work crews assembling the six stainless steel sections of the tower, all of which seem to be sealed at both ends. Announcer does voiceover as construction is shown progressing)
Announcer: The Tower of Torture is a unique design, built exclusively for this show. The whole tower comprises eleven sections, one of which is empty and used as a receiving chamber at the bottom of the tower. Each of the remaining ten sections is built around a different method of ticklish torture, designed to push our contestants to the very limits of their endurance. For each challenger five of these ten sections are selected at random and bolted together to form a random set of challenges for the contestant. As the sections are sealed during construction, and there are no distinguishing marks, not even we know what awaits the contestant. Once fully constructed the tower stands almost fifty feet tall, making it the tallest set ever constructed for a game show.
(Return to the MC standing at the base of the tower, the ‘door’ of the empty bottom section standing open behind him)
MC: This is the ultimate test, and the rules are very simple. The contestant will spend a maximum of five minutes in each torturous section, each minute adding four thousand pounds to her prize. She has two buttons strapped to her palms, pressing both buttons signifies that she is unable to stand anymore. The first time she presses them we’ll move her down to the next section, the second time it’s game over. It really is that simple! Her fate is entirely in her own hands, as we’ll see when we come back on Laughing for Loot!
(Advert break)
Announcer: Welcome back to Laughing for Loot.
Random Stage Hand: Excuse me, I wish to make a complaint!
Announcer: Look, we’re in the middle of a show, can’t this wait?
Random Stage Hand: It’s about the catering, everything’s been eaten and I haven’t had enough!
Announcer: Oh haven’t you? Well swallow this
Random Stage Hand: [gulp] Ah, delicious, what was it?
Announcer: It was enough
Random Stage Hand: Well I don’t feel like I’ve had enough
Announcer: Well it was enough! It was marked on the tin, A N.U.F.F. net weight four ounces. So you have just eaten a four-ounce nuff.
Random Stage Hand: Well I haven’t had enough nuff.
Announcer: Well I’ve had enough!
(Pulls gun, points, fires, rather pathetic cap gun sounding bang is heard, Random Stage Hand flies backward onto floor of stage)
Random Stage Hand: I’m dying, at last I’ve had enough!
(Long, thin drawn out trumpet ‘ta-da’)
(Camera pan from announcer up the tower to MC standing on gantry)
MC: We’ve got to get better help around here. Oh, welcome back folks, and just in time for our finale. This is Mary…
(Camera pans right, shows Mary wearing a white bikini, hands tied to a rope above her head, with a second rope tied around her ankles which drops down into the now uncovered tower’s interior)
MC: As you can see, there’s only one way to go, and that’s down, so let’s get this show on the road. Start the countdown!
(Lights drop in the studio; strobes light the tower as the rope attached to her wrists tightens slightly then lifts her smoothly off the platform. A large red digital clock is counting down from 1:00 above her head as she is swung into position directly over the shaft)
MC: (slightly out of breath) I’m now in the control room, and from here we’ll call the action as Mary is lowered into her own private hell. It’s completely dark inside the tower, so we’ll be using special low light cameras to follow the action, which starts in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!
(Mary is lowered down into the tower, studio lights completely dead, only the green low-light cameras providing a picture)
MC: Mary’s entering the first chamber now, and only when she’s completely inside will her timer start and the chamber begin it’s work. And there’s the buzzer, the final of Laughing for Loot is underway! And let’s see what this chamber holds, it seems to be, yes, it’s the ‘Feather Phobia’ chamber. Three hundred feathers are mounted in this chamber, all of which can extend out to touch the opposite wall, there’s going to be nowhere to hide here
(On screen the feathers move forward, sweeping back and forth across empty space until they touch Mary’s waiting body. The reaction is immediate as Mary’s mouth opens in a scream that we can see but not hear.)
MC: Oh, and she’s in trouble right off the bat, I can see her hands twitching down towards those buttons already, if she presses them now she’ll be out of options if she wants to come out of this with anything at all. Let’s listen in and hear how she’s doing.
(A hidden microphone in the chamber is turned on)
Mary: AHHHHHNONONONONO, STOPPLEASE! GOD NONONO, NO MORE, NO MORE, ICAN’TTAKEIT. HAHAHHAHAMMMMMAHAGGGNONO! NOT MY FEET, NOTMYFEET!
MC: All through this competition it’s been Mary’s feet that have been the chink in her armour, and the floor of that cell is covered in feathers. This must be agony for her right now! She’s been in there for two minutes, she’s got to last another three if she wants to move on with her lifeline intact…. Wait, wait she’s pressed the buttons, it was too much for her, but now she’s got another twenty minutes and four tortures to go, can she possibly make it to the end?
Mary: Ohgod, oh god, hehe ohh…
(The rope’s start moving, lowering Mary into the next chamber)
MC: Remember folks, there’s no breaks here, everything you see is coming live, so she’s got at best thirty seconds between tickles and it doesn’t look like that will be enough time. She’s in position and it’s the Water Torture! This can be quite hard to see so I’ll describe it too you. There’s about a hundred small, pressurised water jets in that chamber, all pointed at her body. They’ll fire at random at different strengths and for different durations, acting almost as a hundred fingers poking and prodding, yes, look, she’s feeling them now! Oh, she’s definitely feeling them, just look at the way she’s jumping around in there! It won’t help her though, those jets can find her anywhere! Let’s go back to our hidden microphone
Mary: Ah, mmpph, no, no, ahahHAHAHAHA, what AH, MMPPHHHH, AHAHA, NO, STOP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WHATISTHIS HAHAHHAHA
MC: Seems like Mary can’t work out what’s tickling her, must be an odd feeling, nothing one second, a splash and tickle the next! Oh, looks like one or more of those jets is hitting her spine, how on earth can she bend herself that far forward without any leverage? Seems that this is playing to her strengths though, she’s got a great resiliency to any sort of impact tickling, as Sarah found out to her cost earlier this week. I think she’s going to make it, we’re four minutes down, and her hands haven’t twitched once, this seems to be just what she needed after the onslaught of the first chamber, she’s got twenty seconds left, she must make it surely, and she knows it! Look at that smile, that’s a smug smile if I ever saw one, she knows she doesn’t have to put up with this for much longer, and there’s the buzzer, that’s twenty thousand pounds in the bank for this resilient young lady.
(Studio lights flash briefly, the ropes move again, dropping Mary down to the next level)
MC: And let’s see what’s next, oh no, this is bad for Mary, I think this may be it for her chances, it’s Ice-capades! Yes, here come the arms, 20 of them, each one holding a large block of ice. They’ll keep moving forward until they reach her, then they’ll….
Mary: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
MC: Start gliding up and down just like that. My god, this is brutal, I think we can safely say our contestants earn their money on this show! I can see ice on every single ticklish spot on her body, armpits, ribs, stomach, breasts, knees, legs, everywhere. Oh, her comes the last two arms, they’re going right for her feet, this is going to be…
Mary: NOOOO!!!!! NOTTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHT! PLEASE, GODNONONO, STOPSTOPSTOAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAP, MERCYPLEASE!!!
MC: explosive I think is the word. Can she possible stand this for the full five minutes? Remember she’s already used her lifeline up, and this isn’t looking good for her.
Mary: EEEEEEEEE, NOOOMORE, PLEASE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, NOOOO, ICAN’TSTANDTHIIIIIIIS! YOU’REKILLINGME, STOP!
MC: That’s it, she hit the buttons, the game is over! We’ll let her down and be back for a word or two with Mary right after this.
(Advert Break)
Announcer: Welcome ba…
Stage Hand: Excuse me sir, but I think we have a problem
Announcer: Oh, what now?
Stage Hand: Well, you know you told us to dress up as chickens when we were moving the props for next week show so no-one would know who we were?
Announcer: Yes?
Stage Hand: We think someone’s overacting
Announcer: Why?
Stage Hand: We just found an egg.
Announcer: Right, I’ll take care of this. Everyone form a line, assume your normal voices and from the left, number!
Assorted Stage Hands: 1,2,3,4, 5,bwcack!
Announcer: That’s him! Now can we please try to get this show finished, first week of the show and we’re already a farce, it wasn’t like this at the BBC….
(Camera whips across to MC standing in front of the receiving area of the tower, an exhausted Mary stretched out on the floor with her body propped up on her elbows)
MC: Welcome back folks, I’m here with the winner of this week’s show. How are you feeling?
Mary: That was, was, I don’t know, I can’t describe it.
MC: Do you think you could have done better?
Mary: Maybe if the first and second chambers were the other way round, but, no, probably not.
MC: If you were going to do that again, would you train differently?
Mary: There’s no way you can train for that, it’s devastating, and anyone who makes it through that is Superwoman.
MC: Well, as one of our finalists you have the option of coming back for our season finale and going for the grand prize of one million pounds, and I think what everyone wants to know is if we’ll see you back here again?
Mary: I….yes, yes I’ll come back.
MC: We’ll see you in a few weeks, until then you get to go home tonight with forty thousand pounds tonight!
(MC walks forward as the camera moves back to show the entire Tower of Torture behind him)
MC: That’s all the time we have for this week, until Monday, keep on laughing out there!
(End credits roll)
***************************
Footnote – this is probably a very dumb idea, but I’d really like to see if it’s possible to put a ‘season’ together for this show. Was thinking something along the lines of establishing a general formula for the show, going from a lot of contestants down to one over the course of Monday – Thursday, then a final like this on the Friday. Other than that the sky’s the limit.
If there’s any interest in expanding this I’ll probably write a full week’s worth of shows, but would anyone be interested in doing the other weeks leading up to the final? There’s some stunningly good writers in this forum and I’d love to see what the result of such a collaboration would be. The thought was to do a different style for every week, then do a mass collaboration on the series finale. Anyone interested?
Go down to the line of *****’s for the start of the story proper if you want to skip my usual waffle.
While feedback on my ‘serious’ stuff (current chapter of which is here) has ranged from good to great I felt like I needed to take a break from it for a while and switch to something else. So it gives me great pleasure to announce the pilot episode of the tickling endurance game show – Laughing For Loot! (ta-daaa!)
Okay, so it’s silly and (deliberately) corny in lots of places, but I’ve had the idea kicking around for a while and as a diversion it works very nicely indeed. A couple of acknowledgments are needed: First, thanks to Mimi for the theme song from this thread , perfect fit. And second, the links after the advert breaks are lifted straight from the classic Goon Shows. R.I.P. Spike, Peter and Harry, the world’s a lot darker without you.
*************************
Laughing For Loot – The Pilot
Announcer: This is London, calling the world!
Ragged Idiot: Haaallo World
Announcer: That was the voice of England
MC: Oh-ho, we’re in a bad way mate
Announcer: Quiet please, so I can welcome our television audience to the final of Laughing for Loot!
(Opening sequence rolls, grainy video of close-ups on several female faces in ticklish agony, superimposed with falling bank notes, all set to Alice Cooper’s Poison. Return to studio, camera panning round an impressive industrial designed set, all steel and sharp edges)
MC: Welcome everyone to this week’s final of Laughing for Loot! Over the last week we’ve gone from 30 hopeful contestants to 1 lucky finalist who today has the chance to walk out of our studio today up to one hundred thousand pounds richer. For those of you that have been with us all week you know we’d normally interview our contestant before starting the show, but she’s a little busy being prepared for tonight’s trial. So let’s remind ourselves of how she got here tonight.
(Video package of an attractive, young redhead being put through several ticklish endurance trials, stretched out on a rack as a feather covered roller passes overhead, grappling with a slightly taller blond in a tickle fight inside a wrestling ring, the same blond tickling her feet as she writhes on the wrack, and random close-up shots of her laughing face. A text box flies in from the right of screen and overlays the video, popping up her info)
NAME: Mary
AGE: 23
HOME: London
HEIGHT: 5” 7’
VITAL STATISTICS: 34 30 36
MC: Yes, after making it all the way past the other 29 hopefuls Mary will tonight get her chance to go for the big bucks, by braving our specially built Tower Of Torture!
(Video package of work crews assembling the six stainless steel sections of the tower, all of which seem to be sealed at both ends. Announcer does voiceover as construction is shown progressing)
Announcer: The Tower of Torture is a unique design, built exclusively for this show. The whole tower comprises eleven sections, one of which is empty and used as a receiving chamber at the bottom of the tower. Each of the remaining ten sections is built around a different method of ticklish torture, designed to push our contestants to the very limits of their endurance. For each challenger five of these ten sections are selected at random and bolted together to form a random set of challenges for the contestant. As the sections are sealed during construction, and there are no distinguishing marks, not even we know what awaits the contestant. Once fully constructed the tower stands almost fifty feet tall, making it the tallest set ever constructed for a game show.
(Return to the MC standing at the base of the tower, the ‘door’ of the empty bottom section standing open behind him)
MC: This is the ultimate test, and the rules are very simple. The contestant will spend a maximum of five minutes in each torturous section, each minute adding four thousand pounds to her prize. She has two buttons strapped to her palms, pressing both buttons signifies that she is unable to stand anymore. The first time she presses them we’ll move her down to the next section, the second time it’s game over. It really is that simple! Her fate is entirely in her own hands, as we’ll see when we come back on Laughing for Loot!
(Advert break)
Announcer: Welcome back to Laughing for Loot.
Random Stage Hand: Excuse me, I wish to make a complaint!
Announcer: Look, we’re in the middle of a show, can’t this wait?
Random Stage Hand: It’s about the catering, everything’s been eaten and I haven’t had enough!
Announcer: Oh haven’t you? Well swallow this
Random Stage Hand: [gulp] Ah, delicious, what was it?
Announcer: It was enough
Random Stage Hand: Well I don’t feel like I’ve had enough
Announcer: Well it was enough! It was marked on the tin, A N.U.F.F. net weight four ounces. So you have just eaten a four-ounce nuff.
Random Stage Hand: Well I haven’t had enough nuff.
Announcer: Well I’ve had enough!
(Pulls gun, points, fires, rather pathetic cap gun sounding bang is heard, Random Stage Hand flies backward onto floor of stage)
Random Stage Hand: I’m dying, at last I’ve had enough!
(Long, thin drawn out trumpet ‘ta-da’)
(Camera pan from announcer up the tower to MC standing on gantry)
MC: We’ve got to get better help around here. Oh, welcome back folks, and just in time for our finale. This is Mary…
(Camera pans right, shows Mary wearing a white bikini, hands tied to a rope above her head, with a second rope tied around her ankles which drops down into the now uncovered tower’s interior)
MC: As you can see, there’s only one way to go, and that’s down, so let’s get this show on the road. Start the countdown!
(Lights drop in the studio; strobes light the tower as the rope attached to her wrists tightens slightly then lifts her smoothly off the platform. A large red digital clock is counting down from 1:00 above her head as she is swung into position directly over the shaft)
MC: (slightly out of breath) I’m now in the control room, and from here we’ll call the action as Mary is lowered into her own private hell. It’s completely dark inside the tower, so we’ll be using special low light cameras to follow the action, which starts in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!
(Mary is lowered down into the tower, studio lights completely dead, only the green low-light cameras providing a picture)
MC: Mary’s entering the first chamber now, and only when she’s completely inside will her timer start and the chamber begin it’s work. And there’s the buzzer, the final of Laughing for Loot is underway! And let’s see what this chamber holds, it seems to be, yes, it’s the ‘Feather Phobia’ chamber. Three hundred feathers are mounted in this chamber, all of which can extend out to touch the opposite wall, there’s going to be nowhere to hide here
(On screen the feathers move forward, sweeping back and forth across empty space until they touch Mary’s waiting body. The reaction is immediate as Mary’s mouth opens in a scream that we can see but not hear.)
MC: Oh, and she’s in trouble right off the bat, I can see her hands twitching down towards those buttons already, if she presses them now she’ll be out of options if she wants to come out of this with anything at all. Let’s listen in and hear how she’s doing.
(A hidden microphone in the chamber is turned on)
Mary: AHHHHHNONONONONO, STOPPLEASE! GOD NONONO, NO MORE, NO MORE, ICAN’TTAKEIT. HAHAHHAHAMMMMMAHAGGGNONO! NOT MY FEET, NOTMYFEET!
MC: All through this competition it’s been Mary’s feet that have been the chink in her armour, and the floor of that cell is covered in feathers. This must be agony for her right now! She’s been in there for two minutes, she’s got to last another three if she wants to move on with her lifeline intact…. Wait, wait she’s pressed the buttons, it was too much for her, but now she’s got another twenty minutes and four tortures to go, can she possibly make it to the end?
Mary: Ohgod, oh god, hehe ohh…
(The rope’s start moving, lowering Mary into the next chamber)
MC: Remember folks, there’s no breaks here, everything you see is coming live, so she’s got at best thirty seconds between tickles and it doesn’t look like that will be enough time. She’s in position and it’s the Water Torture! This can be quite hard to see so I’ll describe it too you. There’s about a hundred small, pressurised water jets in that chamber, all pointed at her body. They’ll fire at random at different strengths and for different durations, acting almost as a hundred fingers poking and prodding, yes, look, she’s feeling them now! Oh, she’s definitely feeling them, just look at the way she’s jumping around in there! It won’t help her though, those jets can find her anywhere! Let’s go back to our hidden microphone
Mary: Ah, mmpph, no, no, ahahHAHAHAHA, what AH, MMPPHHHH, AHAHA, NO, STOP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WHATISTHIS HAHAHHAHA
MC: Seems like Mary can’t work out what’s tickling her, must be an odd feeling, nothing one second, a splash and tickle the next! Oh, looks like one or more of those jets is hitting her spine, how on earth can she bend herself that far forward without any leverage? Seems that this is playing to her strengths though, she’s got a great resiliency to any sort of impact tickling, as Sarah found out to her cost earlier this week. I think she’s going to make it, we’re four minutes down, and her hands haven’t twitched once, this seems to be just what she needed after the onslaught of the first chamber, she’s got twenty seconds left, she must make it surely, and she knows it! Look at that smile, that’s a smug smile if I ever saw one, she knows she doesn’t have to put up with this for much longer, and there’s the buzzer, that’s twenty thousand pounds in the bank for this resilient young lady.
(Studio lights flash briefly, the ropes move again, dropping Mary down to the next level)
MC: And let’s see what’s next, oh no, this is bad for Mary, I think this may be it for her chances, it’s Ice-capades! Yes, here come the arms, 20 of them, each one holding a large block of ice. They’ll keep moving forward until they reach her, then they’ll….
Mary: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
MC: Start gliding up and down just like that. My god, this is brutal, I think we can safely say our contestants earn their money on this show! I can see ice on every single ticklish spot on her body, armpits, ribs, stomach, breasts, knees, legs, everywhere. Oh, her comes the last two arms, they’re going right for her feet, this is going to be…
Mary: NOOOO!!!!! NOTTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHT! PLEASE, GODNONONO, STOPSTOPSTOAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAP, MERCYPLEASE!!!
MC: explosive I think is the word. Can she possible stand this for the full five minutes? Remember she’s already used her lifeline up, and this isn’t looking good for her.
Mary: EEEEEEEEE, NOOOMORE, PLEASE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, NOOOO, ICAN’TSTANDTHIIIIIIIS! YOU’REKILLINGME, STOP!
MC: That’s it, she hit the buttons, the game is over! We’ll let her down and be back for a word or two with Mary right after this.
(Advert Break)
Announcer: Welcome ba…
Stage Hand: Excuse me sir, but I think we have a problem
Announcer: Oh, what now?
Stage Hand: Well, you know you told us to dress up as chickens when we were moving the props for next week show so no-one would know who we were?
Announcer: Yes?
Stage Hand: We think someone’s overacting
Announcer: Why?
Stage Hand: We just found an egg.
Announcer: Right, I’ll take care of this. Everyone form a line, assume your normal voices and from the left, number!
Assorted Stage Hands: 1,2,3,4, 5,bwcack!
Announcer: That’s him! Now can we please try to get this show finished, first week of the show and we’re already a farce, it wasn’t like this at the BBC….
(Camera whips across to MC standing in front of the receiving area of the tower, an exhausted Mary stretched out on the floor with her body propped up on her elbows)
MC: Welcome back folks, I’m here with the winner of this week’s show. How are you feeling?
Mary: That was, was, I don’t know, I can’t describe it.
MC: Do you think you could have done better?
Mary: Maybe if the first and second chambers were the other way round, but, no, probably not.
MC: If you were going to do that again, would you train differently?
Mary: There’s no way you can train for that, it’s devastating, and anyone who makes it through that is Superwoman.
MC: Well, as one of our finalists you have the option of coming back for our season finale and going for the grand prize of one million pounds, and I think what everyone wants to know is if we’ll see you back here again?
Mary: I….yes, yes I’ll come back.
MC: We’ll see you in a few weeks, until then you get to go home tonight with forty thousand pounds tonight!
(MC walks forward as the camera moves back to show the entire Tower of Torture behind him)
MC: That’s all the time we have for this week, until Monday, keep on laughing out there!
(End credits roll)
***************************
Footnote – this is probably a very dumb idea, but I’d really like to see if it’s possible to put a ‘season’ together for this show. Was thinking something along the lines of establishing a general formula for the show, going from a lot of contestants down to one over the course of Monday – Thursday, then a final like this on the Friday. Other than that the sky’s the limit.
If there’s any interest in expanding this I’ll probably write a full week’s worth of shows, but would anyone be interested in doing the other weeks leading up to the final? There’s some stunningly good writers in this forum and I’d love to see what the result of such a collaboration would be. The thought was to do a different style for every week, then do a mass collaboration on the series finale. Anyone interested?
(straps on Nike running shows, makes starting blocks from brown paper & string, looks around in fear for incoming). 
