View Full Version : Making her quit

06-09-2015, 05:08 PM
The story promotes my book (available soon). I'll appreciate any feedback - and an additional question (or two): after reading such sample, would you be willing to buy a tickling-themed e-book? If so, how much would you be willing to pay? All in theory of course.


Ravi hadn't really liked PE lessons since she could remember. You can't blame her for that - back in elementary school she had had her amount of things that had made her like that. Year two - a massive nosebleed after she had been hit by a basketball. Year three she had twisted her ankle during the sprints and some time later, year seven or eight, she had fainted while she hadn't even reached the halfway of the one thousand metres run. No doubt she cringed almost every single time the bell rang.

Luckily for Ravi, her sports duties had been severely cut down for the last few years after it had come out that her fainting was much more than just an accident. Mild health problems in addition to anaemia meant she was off many activities during the class. That was good because she could participate in the things she liked, mostly volleyball and yoga, but that was not so good because it meant she had to spend a lot of time sitting on the bench, watching her mates sweating their asses in the hall; and the noise didn't even allow her to study or read to kill time.

In fact, the girl also did yoga and volleyball outside of PE. The former was a fun way to relax, the latter - just something she was really good at; so good that she had made it to the school team. But the trainings had her dark side named Alex. She and Ravi hadn't seen things eye to eye since the younger girl joined the team. Alex saw the girl as a real threat to her spot and she wasn't far from the truth. Ravi had been in the team just for several months and she had already been named the first sub, while Alex had spent over a year before earning her place as the team libero.

Lately though the times hadn't been the best for Ravi. The girl wasn't really herself on the court and the more she tried, the more she failed. This time, she had that kind of a day again. Her team had lost the training game and once again she was the weakest link. After she did thirty push-ups the coach had ordered, sweating and gasping, she was free to join the rest of the team in the locker room.

Alex was just talking to the coach, ensuring him she'll take care of the key to the lockers. She usually did and they all were mature enough not to be guarded by the counsellor. Soon enough the door opened and Ravi heard a statement pointed at her.

"You suck."

She didn't even need to turn to know who it was. She just shrugged and sat on the bench, untying her sneakers.

"No, really, you suck, girl," Alex was relentless. "You should quit."

"Your mom sucks," Ravi sassed her, not looking up. "Get off me already."

Next thing she noticed, she was already up, held by her arms by the team libero.

"Listen, kid!" hissed Alex. "Quit the team. You won't take *my* spot. Over my dead body."

"How about you make me?" Ravi pushed the girl away, then went back to her shoes.

She might be tinier than the rest of the girls but it didn't mean she would ever back down or let anybody bully her. Even Alex, despite her being ten or so centimetres taller, had to deal with it.

But Alex wasn't the one that could be talked down so easily as well, plus she had a pack of girls who followed her blindly. She just waited for the appropriate moment. The team felt the tension so one by one, the players were leaving the room, and soon enough only four of them remained in the lockers. This was what the first team libero needed. She just nodded her head and suddenly Ravi got bumped onto the bench she was sitting on, before two strong pairs of hands pinned her arms and legs to the wood. She jerked, trying to break free, but the post-match workout drained out most of her strength. Alex was already at her hands, flashing a length of rope and quickly tying Ravi's wrists to the bench. A while later she did the same to girl's ankles, stretching her younger teammate on the improvised rack.

She forgot about the door but quickly covered her mistake. A key clanging in the lock meant she was safe now. Thank God for the soundproof walls.

Ravi looked shocked, if not terrified, but she tried not to show her fear. "What's the worst that can happen?" she thought. "They won't kill me, will they? I'll get a few punches and, sooner or later, I'll eventually get my hands on every single one of them."

"So, kid," Alex was slowly walking beside the bench, "I think you should really reconsider staying in the team."

Ravi hated being called a kid. She was already eighteen and just two years younger than Alex. What the hell was that girl thinking?

"You gotta be kidding!" she snarled.

Alex just shrugged her arms. "Mkay, your choice... Tina?"

A tall, blonde girl, first team setter, grinned, showing a set of perfectly white teeth. She kneeled before Ravi's legs and took off her one remaining sneaker.

"Come oooooon..." Alex hasted her.

Tina didn't need to be told twice. She grinned even wider and slowly started stripping Ravi's black knee-high socks. She needed to use some strength to get the material past the rope but after a few jerks, the socks were off and the blonde, as well as Alex herself, could admire two tiny, bare feet wiggling helplessly at the end of the bench.

Ravi had a sudden thought for a while but it seemed so surreal that she quickly drove it off her mind.

Tina looked at Alex with a question in her eyes. The leader of the pack just smiled a little and nodded her head. That was enough sign. A blonde setter slowly dragged her finger up a soft left sole of a tied-up girl. It worked. It had to work. Ravi wiggled her foot, giggling silently.

"Hope it was worth it," smirked Alex, looking at her opponent.

"Go to..." started Ravi, but soon her words turned into a laughter.

Tina was gently scratching her heels, making the girl squirm and wiggle her feet with every touch. Alex was still smiling, watching a teen twisting helplessly in her bondage.

"Still not sure?" she asked before giving a sign to the last girl, sitting at the opposite end of the bench.

Ravi howled when ten short-nailed fingers dug into her stretched out underarms. The girl at her head produced a short giggle and moved her hands a bit farther, reaching the top of Ravi's ribcage. The team sub squealed, jerking her body, when she felt a couple of hands moving away from her heels toward her toes. She automatically spun her feet, bursting in laughter.

"That bitch is wiggling too much!" Tina gave Alex a sorry look.

"Well," Alex replied, "do something then."

Tina made an exaggerated sigh but hesitantly stepped away from the victim and dug into her backpack. This was the break Ravi needed. She still was in a bad position but at least her feet had a little rest. A teen girl didn't know how much more she could take before giving up eventually. This one girl running fingers over her underarms and ribs, it was hard enough to withstand, but at least that was just one spot. She would get through this.

A pair of fingers digging hard into her ribs made Ravi doubt it for a while. The girl squealed again, trying to move away her upperbody from the hands of her oppressor.

"Got it!" Tina's shout made all the girls jump.

A tall blonde looked like she had found a bag of gold. She came toward the bench and made a tight noose around Ravi's wiggling big toes, then she tied the other, loose end of a twine to the rope holding girl's ankles in place, stretching her soles and bending her toes back. Tina's evil grin meant she wasn't done yet. Ravi still squirmed and laughed because of the nimble fingers being dragged up and down her ribs, while a blonde setter went on with her preparations. A tied-up brunette shrieked suddenly, feeling an unexpected coldness on her skin. Tina was slowly covering her tiny, pink soles in a white, greasy cream. It barely tickled, especially comparing to the fingers stroking her upperbody, but the feeling was as unpleasant as it was weird. Ravi unwillingly tried to wiggle her feet but the enhanced bondage kept them still and vulnerable. How vulnerable they truly were, especially after applying the cream, Ravi realized a short while later.

She couldn't expect it. Alex didn't expect it as well but the moment she saw what her friend was going to do, her face brightened like a thousand suns. She had to admit, Tina had her dose of creativity. The leader turned her eyes on Ravi, who was totally unaware of what was about to come. Her light red cheeks, her light brown hair falling freely on the bench, her blue eyes with first signs of tears already visible... that girl totally deserved all of it. She should've just quit instead of playing strong. She could've been spared all of that. But now... now she was going to pay.

Alex was right. A piercing scream filled the locker room, sending Ravi to another level of hell. The girl's tiny, fragile body arched involuntarily, making the planks of the bench squeak under the sudden pressure. Tina, on the other hand, was having fun of her life.

The idea she'd come up with seemed a little out of place but it paid better than the blonde expected. She was grinning widely now, watching Ravi's moist, helpless soles tremble as she was running a hairbrush up and down the cream-covered sensitive skin, from heels up to little, curled toes. Every touch of the instrument of torture evoked a loud, hysterical laughter from teen's throat. It took Tina just a couple of minutes to force Ravi into begging sobs.

A blue-eyed girl barely felt the nibbles on her ribs anymore. All her senses were focused on the hairbrush scratching her bare soles, finding another fresh area with every stroke. She was ready to give up. Even a place in the team wasn't worth that kind of punishment. Though every time she tried to admit her defeat, another vicious drag of the brush made her burst in an uncontrolled laughter.

Alex must've noticed that because she told her friends to stop. She crouched down next to already red-faced Ravi trying to catch a breath and asked in a sugary voice.

"So, sweetie, have you made up your mind?"

Ravi just nodded, sobbing and unable to say a word.

"Good. Might've done it long ago so you wouldn't have wasted my time. Hope you know what it means?"

Before Ravi understood what was happening, Alex had already saddled her hips.

"Thought I'd just be watching?" she asked, pulling her victim's shirt up to her wrists.

A pale, fragile torso was moving up and down rapidly. Alex dragged her finger on a sweat-covered stomach, forcing Ravi to another giggle.

"Nope..." a bully said to herself, planting her hands under teen's back. A couple seconds later Ravi's moist black sports bra joined the shirt around the wrists.

"My oh my..." giggled Alex, staring at her opponent's bare chest.

In that position, with Ravi stretched out on her back, her breasts looked even smaller than usually. Her wet skin gleamed in the light of ceiling bulbs.

"Are you cra..." screamed Ravi, but once again she wasn't meant to finish her sentence.

A gentle touch of Alex's fingers sent a bolt of electricity down the girl's spine. The older girl felt Ravi's petite, pink nipples erect under her fingertips. She smiled at it and slid her fingers over the delicate spot once again. Ravi arched her back, feeling her tears coming to her eyes.

"Please..." she whispered in a faint voice, not believing it would ever work. She couldn't be more right.

Alex stroked Ravi a little stronger, making her body shiver. She stared deep into teen's wet, blue eyes, drawing small circles around her hard nipples. The feeling of power was making her feel invincible. The feeling of soft, warm areolas rippling under her fingers was making her invincible. The sight of a young face turning deep red, rosy cheeks shaking with an uncontrollable laughter, tears running down in thin streams, sweat dripping from the forehead, the underarms, the ribs, it was making her invincible.

She raked Ravi's exposed ribs with her nails for a change, then went back to the most vulnerable spot, stroking just the very tips of girl's nipples. Ravi moaned again before bursting down in tears.

"I... can't..." she stuttered before attacks of laughter.

But the more she tried to beg, the more vicious Alex's fingers were, attacking already rock hard nipples from every angle, sliding across slippery areolas, sometimes going onto her helpless ribs and underarms for a while before getting back to breasts' torment.

Ravi was on the brink of hysteria. Her whole body burned her, either from the tickling, the constant laughter or the heat engulfing her tortured skin. She laughed so hard, squinting her eyes and thrashing her head, that her ears almost missed one more command Alex gave.

"Tina, let's play with that brush for a couple more minutes."

The blonde hesitated for a while. She felt a little of pity toward her already former teammate but she couldn't ignore her friend's request. Besides, it was really fun to see the girl pushed to her limits.

She pressed a hairbrush to both exposed soles of Ravi, already red from all the previous scratching, and dragged it quickly up and down several times. She used her free hand to bend back four untied toes of victim's right foot, then put the brush underneath them, sliding the tool vigourously over slim, vulnerable stems. A teen made a long, tortured moan, flexing every muscle in her body. The impact was so sudden that Alex almost got thrown off the bench. She scratched Ravi's nipples with her nails for a punishment. Tina's hand, equipped in a brush, was dancing in a smooth motion between both soft heels, equally soft arches and tiny toes of either left or right foot, held exposed by the other hand. A while later the third pair of hands joined in, taking care of the already forgotten armpits of a former substitute libero.

Ravi's laughter entwined with a loud sobbing and unintelligible blabbering as all three girls were taking advantage of the maltreated teen.

Fifteen minutes later the punishment stopped. Alex untied her victim's hands and pointed at the key hanging on a hook.

"Close the door when you leave," she said, giving Ravi final two strokes on her feet with a brush taken from Tina.

Ravi needed over ten minutes to be able to eventually sit up and a couple more to get rid of the bondage holding her feet. Her body was so sore she could barely put her clothes back on but she was glad her tormentors hadn't noticed one thing. She was put through the extreme humiliation anyway but it could've been much worse. They could've noticed a big wet stain on her pants.

06-10-2015, 12:55 PM
Noice stuff, keep it up!

06-10-2015, 01:12 PM
This was an interesting story and forward concept. The idea of non-con stories is always a topic of friction.

In terms of writing, I have both positive and negative critique.

The passage "Ravi had a sudden thought for a while but it seemed so surreal that she quickly drove it off her mind." Is a perfect example of everything that is not working in this story. First, it gives the idea and timing of "sudden" followed immediately by "for a while" which contradicts the timing listed. It is also "from" her mind and not "off" her mind. There are many instances of "a" replacing the appropriate "the" throughout, and an inconsistency with the use of "as well" more than once when the previous statement was a negative.

There are several other points like this, but I have no doubt they will be corrected when past the rough-draft phase. The style of writing has only one negative that I can see, and that is a penchant for explaining the moralistic view of a specific character through the narrator. This confused me for a while, as we tend to trust the narrator to be objective, not invested.

In terms of positive critique, one thing I really liked was your word choice. Your sentences, particularly as the "action" picked up were fantastic. Alliteration was sprinkled throughout in an easily-flowing way, and I never felt like the choice of words didn't fit or were confusing.

The slyness of the characters, and the clear distinction between Alex the bully, and her helpers motivation/line of tolerance for the situation showed that these characters are conceivably more than just an extra set of hands. It gave them purpose and allowed for a greater suspension of disbelief.

The scenario itself was also one that allowed for disbelief to be suspended. That is an excellent way to get people invested in your story.

Overall, there are a lot of things to remove/change before it would be something I would buy. But with revision and removal of contradicting choice of phrase, it is something I would consider purchasing, provided there were enough twists and turns to keep me interested.

06-23-2015, 03:29 PM
I am not too familiar with e-book, nor its price. So I can not really comment about it.

As for the story, I like the way you keep it simple and easy to read so that even a "beginner reader" would have an easier time to imagine. But if I may say, that also makes the story lacks of detail and impact on some areas. But again, since you mentioned about it is just a sample, I do not think it would be a problem too much.

Keep up the good work!

06-23-2015, 04:13 PM
My general feeling about e-books is pessimistic, for authors. There is so much content available for free online, that there is not much incentive to pay for it.
(And yet I just deposited a check for $53 for my May 2015 royalties from MTJ Publishing, so some people out there are buying e-books.)
PS: I liked your sample. :D

11-04-2015, 09:48 AM
excellent story for fantasy...and I wouldnt pay for any of your stories but Im sure there are those out there that love your style....that what makes writing such an excellent forum......everyone has a place. Same as in a bar some Like Scotch and others like Wine....some prefer Vodka...but neither is bad in the opinion of the patron drinking it...heehee