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First Submission

rysmike

TMF Novice
Joined
Nov 21, 2004
Messages
68
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I've been a member for a very long time, but this is my first foray into sharing. Helpful critique is very welcome. Thanks.

Infinity
Consciousness returned to Emily in much the same way a spring day dawns, slowly and gently. Her mind was slow to start, feeling the relaxation of a good night's sleep. Then she realized with a small shock, she didn't hurt. Anywhere. Her ankles didn't hurt, her back didn't hurt, not her knees or her neck or her back. Not an ache or pain, not a twinge, not a single gripe. She hadn't felt this good since she was in her early 20's.
As that minor wonder filled her with happiness, a soft breeze blew over her. It was sweet smelling and pleasantly cool, like shade on a warm day. It raised a bit of goose flesh on her belly and stiffened her sensitive nipples.
With a start, she realized she was naked. Her eyes flew open and she saw......nothing. Everything was white and blank. She closed her eyes and everything was dark again, so she knew she wasn't blind. Emily opened her eyes again and tried to see, well, anything. The white wasn't blinding, like a bright light. It was just......empty.
She tried to sit up so she could look around, but nothing happened. Emily started to struggle, feeling panic that she couldn't move. With great effort, she could raise her head a few inches and could see down her, now confirmed, naked body. She was not restrained in any way that she could see. Emily dropped her head back and concentrated on moving. She could easily turn her head side to side, wiggle her toes and fingers. She could move her hands and feet slightly, with effort, but that was it. She couldn't bend her knees or elbows, lift her arms or legs, and no matter how hard she crunched, a sit up was right out.
After a moment, Emily stopped her struggle. It's a dream, she realized. Dream paralysis is so common, and it's such a well known phenomenon, she felt a touch silly for having panicked at all. She took a deep breath, cleared her mind, reveled in the lack of pain and sense of well-being, and decided it was a good dream.
It was so good, Emily was just starting to regret the inevitable waking, when she felt the slightest touch on the sole of her right foot. The feeling was soft, almost not even there. In a second, she had the thought that it felt like a blade of grass brushing her sole as she walked barefoot across a lawn. Then the feeling came again, on her left foot. This time it was a little more...assertive, as if the blade of grass was being brushed over her sole by a playful friend. She gave a little wiggle of her foot and was rewarded with the feeling of a soft brush against both of her soles this time. Emily couldn't help it, and giggles bubbled out of her, making her sound like a schoolgirl. She had always loved being tickled, ever since she was a young teen. A memory started to form, of a warm summer and a new apartment when the feeling of the brushes came back, but a bit more scratchy this time. Now, they seemed to be intent on giving her a good tickling, exploring every inch of her soles, from her sensitive heels, through her delicate arches, to her responsive toes.
Emily's giggles deepened into laughter. Her mouth opened wide to let the sound pour from her. As she laughed more, the tickling intensified. Now, instead of a couple scratchy brushes, dozens of tiny points vibrated all over her soles. In an instant, Emily's laughter turned to howls of hysterics. She tossed her head back and forth, fingers scrabbling at the surface beneath her, and gasped out peal after peal of deep, body shaking laughter.
Then, the inevitable occurred. Emily became very aroused. Inevitable in that she had ALWAYS found being tickled exciting, and it was a direct ratio for her. The greater the tickling, the more aroused she became. In just moments, she could feel her lips swelling and thickening, her clit stiffened and began to throb, and her juices began to flow.
Suddenly, she could feel a penis slide inside her. In one part of her mind, she knew it couldn't be real because it fit and felt too perfect. As the perfect cock began sliding back and forth, it stroked her G-spot in a way that was too exact to be real. The tickling faded to the background as she felt waves of pleasure fill her like water into a vessel. Something then began vibrating, and sucking, and rubbing her engorged clit, all at once. With the wonder cock inside her, and the tickling driving her wild, her orgasm detonated in her mind, shattering her with a pleasure she had not felt in such a long time..............
Slowly, her senses returned from the overload of pleasure. She breathed deeply for a moment, savoring the afterglow. Then, tickling along her sides, just below her breasts, and a slight buzzing feeling against both her clit and her soles. Laughter and moans burst from Emily's lips in a truly joyous sound as she once again climbed toward huge orgasm. Pleasure burst from her in a spray of juices and a scream of ecstasy. Her recovery was shorter this time, the tickling and pleasure flooding back over her, lifting her to orgasm after orgasm.
After minutes, or months, Emily couldn't tell since time had lost all meaning to her, she had a moment of quiet reflection and afterglow. Emily was amazed at how she felt. The orgasms were tremendous, with a matching euphoria after, but she wasn't tired at all. While she was breathing a bit deeper than usual, she wasn't sweating or panting at all. Emily thought back, a hazy memory of heavy ticking and massive orgasms and a sweat soaked bed and gasping for air. A flicker drew her attention away from the beginning memory, a shape in the distance. Indistinct in detail, it stood out against the white.
Emily strained to bring the difference into focus when the tickling began again. This time, a feeling of small spinning brushes covered her soles, invading the spaces between her toes, while brushes stroked her neck and chin and something began counting the spaces between her ribs. A feeling like electricity shot through her, hysterics blasting out of her as it felt like every nerve in her body were being tickled. The perfect prick was back, dancing across her G-spot as her clit felt like it was simultaneously being sucked and vibrated from every single direction. Howls of laughter and shrieks of pleasure filled the air around her as sexual and ticklish pleasure took her away into the forever time of always.
Some time later, as Emily came back to herself, she could see what the shape was. A chair, large and hard, was within inches of her. In the chair, she was shocked to see.....Adam, her lover from days long gone. He looked just as she remembered, powerfully built, short red hair. She could see his cock, hard and bouncing, and very much covered in discharge and cum, as if he had orgasmed several times already. As she started to try to speak to him, the tickling began again. Not as overwhelming as it had been, but her words were lost in the flood of laughter. She tried to control herself, so she could ask what was going on, but the pleasure swept away her thoughts in a torrent of tickling and orgasmic joy.
As the tide of pleasure ebbed, Emily was shocked at what she saw. Naked, raw hunger on Adam's face, turning him from the beautiful man he once was, to a slavering animal. He reached for her, but heavy chains stopped him just inches from touching her. He howled in frustration as Emily burst out on ticklish laughter once again, this time from a feeling of feathers dragging between her toes and brushes stroking her ass and swollen lips. Time fell away as pleasure after pleasure took her even as she stared into feverish eyes.
“What is going on here?Why is Adam chained?How is this happening?” Thoughts slammed around her mind and before she could ask them, she got an answer.
“You are here because you were a good person.”
“I don't understand. Where am I? How is Adam here? What is happening to me?”
“You are in a place where you are to be rewarded for being a good person. The pleasure you feel, the orgasms and the tickling, were what you desired most. Now, you shall be rewarded with it forever. “
“But, does that mean I'm dead? And what about Adam?” Emily pressed.
“You have passed from the mortal realm, yes. Adam, sadly, was not a good person. As it was his deepest desire to touch and tickle you, he will forever see what he wants most, but never be able to touch you. He will forever feel the hunger and unquenchable want of you that twisted him. Thus, he is tormented forever.”
“Maybe,” Emily thought as the ticking began coursing through her again, “ you could let him touch me. Once in a while. Just for a minute, for me?” Emily moaned and laughed as the sensations took her away, and now the sight of Adam both reaching for her and pumping his ever hard cock, pushed her onward to an eternity of bliss.


Having trouble with formatting. I'll work on it for next time. Hope you all liked it.
 
Interesting story. I guess if you have to die, that's the way to go! :p
 
Allow me to put on my editor hat :D

So as a whole for your first submission this is indeed pretty good. Your sentence structure is clear, and while I agree that the formatting needs work, I'd say I found it readable. Posting to a board can always be iffy. My advice is to make ample use of the preview feature. Definitely get a few more line breaking up your paragraphs and dialogue next time.

The idea itself isn't new, but when it comes to writing mainly tickle stories nothing really is. You managed to execute it very well for the most part. I really loved the idea that the voice of death/afterlife is not personified. You just give us it's responses as a line of dialogue and I absolutely love that. No it/he/she said... It just speaks. Very well done there.

Now, this part is of course opinion since every writer is different. However, I would lose the boyfriend completely. The first reason Relates to the morality of the story. She is good, he is bad. She wants to be tickled, he wants to tickle. She is rewarded with what she desires, while he must watch and can never tickle (though still be able to masterbate). The morality of the story is confusing to the reader because we don't understand it. We are told why he is bad, but never why she is good. Objectively the only info we know about them is that you'll be tormented if you want to tickle people, but not if you want to be tickled yourself. One cannot remain a mystery while the other does not. If we had just been introduced to her, witnessed her reciecing her reward, and then had the dialogue with the voice we can accept that little explanation. But introducing Adam as the moral opposite just weakens and hurts your story.

Furthermore, he serves little purpose as a character himself. He's there to make Emily hornier and to illustrate the "bad" in this after life. He feels shoehorned in, and if you cut him out completely I think your tale would a lot more stronger.

Well, editor hat off. Hope that helps and best of luck on your blossoming journey as a writer :D
 
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