When Sororitys Attack

It was a a warm Autum evening on a day in the late October in Pennsylvania. A 44 year old Mother, Kimmy Garbrick, drving down 1 1/2 hours in an Burgandy to see her 20 year old daughter at Tetona University induring a warm october to see how she was doing. She had not seen her only child since August when she moved her into her dorm. The Mother was a bruntette, half asian/half caucasian woman with long hair, model like facial beauty, average curvy/busty build, and 6 feet tall. She is wearing a purple blouse, long black skirt and black high heel sandals to emphasize her attractiveness and defy her age. Her daughter, Gloria Garbrick, is the same physique as her, execpt slightly slimmer, 5'11 and is not as busty as her mother but still is a stunner. She is proud of her daughter for attended the same school she did 20 years ago and is eager to see how well she is doing in her nursing major. She wants her daughter to be more successful than herself, a professional photographer, so that she can make much more money than her.

The two are very close as her father was always travelling in his engineer business and was not home as much so the two became bonded very well but often clash over the daughter personal life. The daughter in questin is currently dating a fellow nursing major, just got into the nursing program and is involved in swing dancing and the Dance Marathon through a mysterious organization that the mother is not aware off at the moment. The daughter wanted to warm her mothe rup to telling her she is pledgeing for a sorority, Much to her mothers disapproval. Kimmy, despite being apart of the second wildest sorority, Omicron Mu Gamma despises of Greek life.

Kimmy arrives at the school and pay for a weekend pass and goes to her Daughters dorm. The dorm is located across the street from campus and is shaped more like an apartment with separate bed rooms and shared and small kitchen. She walks into the dorm tries to open the door but she can't. The dorms card activated from the outside so she cannot get in with out a card. She tries to call Gloria but there was no answer. She makes two more attempts to call but there was till no answer. SHe sends a text saying "Hello Honey, i am downstairs" she waits there patienly to see if her daughter will pick up the phone, wondering what she could be doing in the middle of the day. Just as she tries to call Gloria again, her roomate, Katie Lee, open the door and greets Kimmy.

Katie is a 21 year old girl, also mixed Asian/Caucasian race with black, wavy thick hair, very cruvy build, 5'7 and very busty. She is wearing clothes that she looked like she slept in as they are wrinkled and

Katie: Oh hi Ms Garbrick, how are you? I saw your text on Gloria's phone and so i came down to get you.

Kimmy: (Relived but puzzled) Hello and Thank you Kate. I am doing ok, i was just wondering why Gloria was not answering her phone. ANd how did you see her text, don't you guys ghave sepaerate rooms.

Katie: Yeah sorry She is sleeping, i tried to wake her up but she did just kept sleeping. Oh and she left her phone in the living room.

Kimmy: (curious) She is still sleeping...why is she sleeping so late, it is almost 1pm. This not like her. Is she ok.

Katie: (Nervously trying to brush of her known reasons why she is still tired) Yeah..she we were up late last night uhh..watching a movie and we lost track of time. he.he

Kimmy: (relived with a smile) Ahaa...i see, you collge studetns and your late nights.

Katiemumbles) Say that again...uhh come on in.

Both women get on the elevator and go to the girls dorm room. She unlocks the door to the room and has Kimmy sit in the small living room on a small sofa and near the tv and turns the tv on for her while Katie tries to get Gloria up to make her aware that her mother is there.

Katie: I will be right back Ms. G, i will try wake up Gloria.

She knocks on the door to trick Kimmy into thinking that the room is locked but she slowly opens the door and whispers into Gloria's ear.

Katie: Yo GloriaHey come on, wake up girl, Mommy's here. (She shakes her around to try to disturd her sleep)

Glora: (loudly Grumbling in her sleep) No no Kate, no more..no more shots, i just want to sleep.

Katie: (interupts) Shhhhhh shhhhh your moms might hear you. Now get out of bed (SHe contniues to shake her)

Gloria: (Grumbles again) No let me slepp please.

Katie: (Frustrated) Alright if you don't get up i know something that will.

She looks at the bed and sees he foot sitcking out and grabs her ankle.

Katie: Last chance Gloria. Wake up.

After she hears no reply, she begins stroking Glorias senstives soles and gives an intense tickle to her feet.

Katie: Coochie cocchie coo sleepy head.

Her fingers move quickly yet dilgetnly across Glorias foot

GLoria immediatelt reacts and bursts iut giggling. Kimmie over hears the gigkling and become begins to wonder what is going on. and yanks her foot until she is free of the grip.

Gloria: (sits up form the bed) Oh my Gosh Katie. You know i hate being tickled.

Katie: Is your mom ticklish?

Gloria: (Puzzled) Ummm what? WHy did you ask that? I think in her armpit maybe, i don't know!

Katie: I can ask her, she is right outside.

Gloria: (Suprised) Oh my goodness i completely forgot she was coming. QUick Go out and stall her while i put on my clothes, I am glad i showered last night after the rush party.

SHe pushes Katie out of the room and gets dressed in some new clothes.

She then runs to the living room to greet her mom.

Kimmy: Oh Hey Sleepyhead! nice to see you recovered from your late night movie binge. (SHe stands up and goes to hug her daughter)

Gloria: Hi Mom! Hoaw are you? (She runs to her moms arms and gives her a warm hug, sighing in relief that she did find out about her party life)

Kimmy: (After a long hug) I am doind good how are you? You look great, i take it you have been eating healthier (She says in a smug voice)

Gloria: *Blushes yup me and Katie have been working out at the gym and eating the healthier options in the dinning commons. I try not to eat out as much as i did last year and i even learned what to eat to keep away the high carbs andstuff.

Kimmy: Thats good. SO how have your grades been and how is your semester going?

Gloaria: I have been doing well, i got a b on my first last nursing exam and i am getting an A on everything else. I like my major, i met Katie and my boyfriend Andy in the same major. I am really excited

Kimmy: Ahhh so thats why you like your major. It has helped you find romance (Teasing)

Gloria: (lightly smacks her moms arm) Mom! no i'm not sto..ha..pp. (embaressed)

Kimmy: Anyway glad to hear you are doing well Kiddo. I brought you..well..ok...us a gift. (SHe walks over to graba big bag)

SHe reveals two boxes and she give one to Gloria.

Kimmy: Suprise! I know a lot of girls want them and i couldn't help but get a pair for my self.

Gloria: Oh My Gosh!!!! (she screams and jumps up and down) Mom thank you! I llove you i love you! (SHe runs over and kissed her om on the cheek)

SHe opens the box to pull out a pair of Birkenstock Mayari's which she shouts with glee. she quickly sits on the ground and puts them on.

Kimmy: (Glad to see her daughter excited for the gift) Glad you like them sweety! I know alot of girls are craving these sandals and i was no aware of why i tried them on at the store and they i could see why. I wasn't sure if they were the right size because they tell you too...

Gloria: They fit perfectly. Thank you so much mom! Now i can feel like a real Sorot....i mean college girl.

The two beging talking for a while abou there new sandals ad catching up with each other when Katie walks back into the room, fresh from the shower.

The two roomies decide to take Kimmy to the dining commons and to get food. They all sit at a table and the girls being conversating. The girls are later joined by Andy and also by Katie's "Boy"freind (She actually and androgynous girl but she does not want the sorority to find out about her sexuality in fear of rejection)

The dinning commons area is a big hall filled with lots of tables and chairs aligned in various ways. It is very sunny with lots of clean, clear windows from the roof to the walls with lots of scernery paintings, nice flatscreen T.V.s, and and lots of dining options. The hall was filed with lots of students sitting down at the various tables either talking about their own lives or stuffing their faces with the delicious food.

The 3 women walk into the dinning hall and and walk over the buffet area, trying to avoid the many people waitng in the numerous lines for the differnet venues. When they finally make over to the Buffet, they are made to stand in the long line being formed in front of the Buffet area and they all sigh in frustration from being forced to wait in the line.

As they wait in line, Gloria begins to look around nervously as she sees many of the girls from the sorority that she is rushing for walking around in groups, as the Soroity house is very close to the dinning hall and they all gather in groups tp go eat their. She tries to play it cool and not make eye contact with any of them and desperately wants the line to go faster so she can go in the Buffet area and avoid being seen by the other girls. Since many of the other Sorotity sisters eat chicken pesto salads, they usually go to the same area often and usualy avoid the BUffet area, allowing the girls to not be seen by the Sorority SIsters.

The is moving but slowly as the students have to use their IDs to pay for their food using the schools meals points. 10 minutes goes by and the girls are finally up next. As Gloria tries to blend in with the other students her mom taps her on the shoulder to tell her that some girls were waving at her.

Kimmy: Hey, look, some of your friends are waving at you.

Gloria slowly looks back to see some of her 2 of the her good friends, Mikayla and Shanon, waving at her wearin the same outfit as her exceot with shirts that have the Greek letters Tau Lamda Tau on them. Gloria waves to them, trying not to show how nervous she is. Then Shannon calls over to her.

Shannon: Hey girls, you coming toight?

Gloria repsonds back.

Gloria: Y-yeah see you tonight!

Mikayla reponds.

Mikayla: Alright, well see you tonight!, Its gonna be fun!


Bother girls say see you later and walk off tot ehir table. Kimmy, concerned with what just happend, questions her daughter.

Kimmy: What were they talking about? Are you going to a party later on or somehting?

Gloria: (Trying to come up with a good excuse) Umm yeah, its like a game night, we will be playing Games and stuff?

Kimmy: Gloria? Are you going to a frat party

Gloria: Oh Its not a party mom! THis ia regular game night we do so that we can spend time with each other instead of stumbling around town drunk.

Kimmy: Hmmm. (She looks at her daughters nervous face
0 Is there some alcohol involved?

Gloria: No! NO! we just buy food and maybe play some Wii Games and stuff. Honest!

Katie: Yes Ms. Garbrick! We have fun together.

Kimmy: Im still not convined that no alcohol is involved but as long as y0u Girls drink responsibly.

Katie and Gloria looked at each other with a bit of unsure releif as they don't want to give away their real evening plans.

A few minute later the girls swipe in to the dining bufet and they walk to a long line off people waiting to choose their foo

Good start. Eager to see the continuation.

I agree, with Milagros. It's a good start. I do feel as though the pace is a little rushed. Don't be afraid to slow it down, and build us up for the main event, tickling? I would assume. Also, you don't always have to narrate a character's physical attributes. I sometimes like to let other characters in the story do that for me through dialogue. Anyway, best of luck to you with where ever you take this.

Thank you for the feed back!

I will try to slow things down in the story to make the build up more exciting and i will let the story describe the characters.

Is this meant to be a story or a stage play? I glanced at it and the bottom 90% is just dialogue like in a play. Like this:

Hamlet: Hi guy.

Macbeth: You hey Hams homey wassup?

Hamlet: Just chillin' like a villain.

King Lear: You guys see the game last night?

Hamlet. Aigghht? I gonna bounce.

Othello: I'm gonna kill you crackers what be sleeping with my ho Desdemo the ho.

And so on... exactly like a stage play, just endless loops of dialogue.


Instead you want add scenery, narration, description, and all the stuff that you inside your head when looking at the scene in the mind. Imagine it's like a situation comedy that you're watching, and you have to describe what's going on to someone who's in the next room and can't see it.