whats people's opinion..

[TicklishSinner]

is it truely wrong to have a baby before marriage?? I mean I am going to turn 21 on Tuesday and Jester just turned 27 and we have a 3 months old daughter and we are engaged to be married but unfortunetly getting married isnt a cheap thing at all, but some people look down upon us and it is becomming so many people i am starting to contiplate the idea of us being wrong...usually i dont do that i just brush things like that off but sometimes when so many people say it i started thinking i was just wondering everyone's opinion on this topic..thanks for the advice

[giggleygirl25]

imho i think that if ya'll are happy then that's what counts and other people (well-meaning or not) should butt out...

[TickleMeCasey]

absolutely nothin wrong with having a kid before marriage. my sister is 28 and had a kid from a holiday fling, and just because she wasnt planned, doesnt mean she's any less loved at all. i know thats not what your asking, but anyhow society has changed a lot and if most ppl dont scorn at 13 year olds with kids, then kids before marriage are the norm.

besides, having a baby is a beautiful thing, regardless of marital status.

im 21 and i would love to have kids soon, but what stops me is that i think im still a little too immature and selfish to have one.

casey x

[AquaFeline]

Maybe people aren't looking down on you for having a kid before being married but if you were planning on a big wedding or something it seems fake to them because they figure you're in essence already married, either that or for appearances sake you were supposed to get married before the kid came along.
Is it wrong though? No, it just doesn't meet people's expectations.

[Haltickling]

Just ignore the ill-thinking people, Sinner. You're a young mother, have a loving partner and an adorable baby. Don't delve into debts because of what other (IMO stupid and hoity-toity) people think. There are other priorities for you now.

[jugner]

Originally posted by TicklishSinner
is it truely wrong to have a baby before marriage?? I mean I am going to turn 21 on Tuesday and Jester just turned 27 and we have a 3 months old daughter and we are engaged to be married but unfortunetly getting married isnt a cheap thing at all, but some people look down upon us and it is becomming so many people i am starting to contiplate the idea of us being wrong...usually i dont do that i just brush things like that off but sometimes when so many people say it i started thinking i was just wondering everyone's opinion on this topic..thanks for the advice

Well, in answer to your question, no, I don't think it's wrong. I will say I would suggest waiting until after. The biggest reason I can see for this is I have known a lot of people that have had children before marriage and then felt obligated(although they truly believed it was love)to get married. In my experience they end in divorce. My only advice is take your time getting married, don't feel rushed because you have a child. I don't know anything about either of you, so I'm speaking generally.

I am a religious person, but I know a lot don't believe like I do. So all I gave were tips outside of religion.

[Traveler]

The important thing here to remember is.You guys love each other and you are happy together and you have a beautiful child to take care of and love.So,when you get the money you get married.The important thing is that you are happy and the baby is happy.Those other people don't matter.And,if those other people are relatives or whatever,tell them to get over it and chill.That ring doesn't make a family,love makes a family.If you got love nothing else matters.:grouphug: :grouphug:

[the_Baron]

the best thing is that U had the baby and didn't abort it.

live and be well!

[TicklishSinner]

i feel a little better but i guess it is jsut one of those things that if you hear it once you brush it off you hear it twice you still brush it off but you hear it three times you may start to think..Jester and I do love each other very much and i cant speak for him but i would NEVER get married just because I had a child, i just get sick and tired of people telling me it is wrong or looking down upon my life, it prolly shouldnt get to me but it does.

[EvlJester]

You can speak for me sweetheart, cause i feel the same way. i asked you to marry me out of love for you and wanting to spend the rest of my life with ( FOREVER!!!!!!!! )

[TummyDragon]

Well, the modern day "wedding" is merely a revenue producing extravaganza and has nothing to do with marriage as practiced throughout history. It's a for profit industry as well as a tax producer for the government. Then there a justice of the peace wedding.

Marriage is the commitment, the mentality. It's the joining of souls. You certainly do not need a piece of paper for that. Societal views will vary greatly though, and sadly, most members of the society have a double standard with their pointing fingers. Many of the same ones who would make comments about someone having a baby before marriage are the same ones who abuse their kids, cheat on their spouses, etc etc. They have the paper, but not the integrity.

Live your life in a way that *you* would respect and piss on the rest of them.

[Mitchell]

This is no one's business but Jester's and yours, honey. If you two are happy, and are good parents to your baby, my attitude is, to hell with what anyone else thinks. This isnt the 1950s, things happen, people have kids who arent married all the time. Look at households with only one parent, or ones where both parents are absent. You both are happy together, good parents, love each other, and your baby. As long as you have all those factors, whatever anyone else thinks doesnt mean a thing. Gawd I hate judgemental people who arent standing in anyone else's shoes. This reminds me of people who judge me because I dont see my father. Grow up, people, and mind your own. If another is happy with their life, and not hurting anyone with that life, live and let live.

I hope this helps. Take care, smurfy.

Mitch

[Jsenteris]

If the child is coming into this world, to two loving people, how can that be wrong? As long as there’s love in the house between the parents and the new baby that’s all that maters. After all it’s not called “a bundle of joy” for nothing.

[Knox The Hatter]

Originally posted by TummyDragon
Well, the modern day "wedding" is merely a revenue producing extravaganza and has nothing to do with marriage as practiced throughout history. It's a for profit industry as well as a tax producer for the government. Then there a justice of the peace wedding.

Marriage is the commitment, the mentality. It's the joining of souls. You certainly do not need a piece of paper for that. Societal views will vary greatly though, and sadly, most members of the society have a double standard with their pointing fingers. Many of the same ones who would make comments about someone having a baby before marriage are the same ones who abuse their kids, cheat on their spouses, etc etc. They have the paper, but not the integrity.

Live your life in a way that *you* would respect and piss on the rest of them.

My sentiments exactly! I mean, the both of you already know how I feel...:p

You get married because you love each other, and have reconciled to a commitment with each other, not because some phony, psalm-singing hypocrite's upset because you're not living Life according to the way they want you to live it, and don't have the backbone to tell you anything other than it's because of what's printed in some book.

You guys'll be just fine.

[milagros317]

You love each other, and you love and are making a home for the baby. That is wonderful, and don't anybody tell you otherwise. :D

[Roseblossom]

Anyone who would try to make you feel bad about such a lovely part of your lives together is a toxic person that can be avoided.

You guys surely know for certain in your hearts that bringing little Sky into your lives was so so right - your tiny daughter was created in love, and is a treasure.

~Rose~ :smilelove

[MAJ0718]

Just to add my two cents' worth: I believe that this is a free country, despite who's in "power" now. As long as you two are doing right by Skyylar, and each other, it doesn't matter what anybody thinks, particularly those fools who wish to "legislate" people into marriage. My parents were in a marriage just for the children, and believe me, they weren't very happy at all. You want to marry because you love each other and can't live without each other, not just because you had a daughter. I hope that helps...

[WorkInProgress]

Some years ago the conservative historian Gertrude Himmelfarb gave a talk in New York advertising her new book, where she was arguing that we live in an age of moral decline and moral relativism, and that 100 years ago Americans believed in true "virtue" rather than merely "values." One of her complaints was that the word "illegitimacy" had fallen into disfavor to refer to births out of wedlock. Well, I was the one who got up and said that the term should be out of the vocabulary, because it puts a label on a child for conditions that existed before the child was born. I drew applause. (I had some other things to say to her too. Unfortunately for her, just when she was getting revved up to respond to me, her staff had to whisk her off to catch her flight back to Washington.)

Enjoy your family life together. If you're an evangelical Protestant, say a prayer and then move on. If you're Catholic, throw in a few Hail Marys. In any case, you can be sure that the only mandate on you now is to be the best possible set of parents to your precious child.

[featherfingers]

Back in high school, a friend of mine got a 15 year old girl pregnant when he was 17 years old. He went through hell when her family found out about it. They decided to get married, had two other daughters, and just a couple of years ago, they went through a very nasty divorce. He apparently had been messing around with some other lady on the side... whom he's married to now.

I really don't think too many people take marriage seriously these days. It's not a binding 'contract' like it used to be back in the dark ages of the 30s, 40s and 50s.

I've seen friends get married because they want to have a big extravagant wedding meant to impress all of the attendees. Yet, the marriage doesn't last.

I guess what I'm saying is, please continue loving each other with all of your heart and soul, and rest assured that your relationship will have as much or more meaning than a lot of the relationships of those so-called 'happily married' couples out there. As long as there is love, that's what really matters.

[drew70]

In my opinion, one shouldn't have children unless one is first committed to a permanent relationship. I believe an emotionally healthy child needs a mother and a father who love each other and are committed to spend the rest of their lives together and committed to being there for that child. Usually that means marriage, but in reality, official marriage is basically legal paperwork documenting that committment. If you guys are committed to each other and to the child, but don't go through the legal process, I think it's okay. If your reluctance to marry is based on leaving your options for departure open, then I would say there's a problem.

[steph]

This is YOUR adventure SweetPea, and no one else's, do ya hear me??:p :p :p
Pay no attention to the rest of them.

XOXO

[some1somewhere]

My biggest concern with having a child outside of marriage, really isn't applicable to this situation. The concern is that I have seen the father, seeing no marriage (therefore no committment), abandons the mother with the child to fend for themselves. I can think of a few cases in my church that this has happenned, and many cases in my professional life/personal life (my step-brother has no relationship with his "blood" father). I am amazed by the strength and courage that single mothers have, and heart-broken that it had to happen to them to begin with. I am saddened that these men don't see the honor in the priviledge of bringing a life into this world, instead they flee either because of selfishness or fear. But then there is hope. Sometimes someone comes along who is not afraid and who will raise a child that is not his own, knowing that it will be difficult, but also knowing that the rewards of fatherhood are a teasure of joy.

Like I said my biggest concern is not an issue here, but I'd thought that I voice it anyway.

[ticklkitten]

All that matters is that the child was born through love. God doesn't mind that you guys aren't married yet... hey, you plan on being! He understands money issues! BUT, don't underestimate the power of a courthouse marraige and then a beautiful ceremony and reception (even when it's simple) when money comes through. You brought a life into this world when so many would back out because they were scared. Conceived in love.... your daughter is your blessing.

[ticklishscribe]

I was trying to think of what to say here to support Sinner, and you said it for me. I couldn't agree with you more. :bouncybou

[TKpervert]

"is it truely wrong to have a baby before marriage??"

Today, no.

Back in the days when I had to walk five miles uphill in the snow to get to school, then had to... ok forget that.

The important thing is that the little kid gets a good launch into life.

Nothing else matters.

[Limeoutsider]

Ive usually used the theory that "They arent my friends, their opinion does not matter" When it is your friends that are the problem, tell them to mind their own damn business/fuck off (whichever) and find new friends

[ticklkitten]

I choose my friends carefully and once I love them I love them no matter what. We all make the wrong decisions and I support those who really THINK. It makes all the difference in the world.

[TKpervert]

Originally posted by Limeoutsider
Ive usually used the theory that "They arent my friends, their opinion does not matter" When it is your friends that are the problem, tell them to mind their own damn business/fuck off (whichever) and find new friends



Lime, friends should be treated as more than a cotton sock that sprouts a hole in the toe, to be tossed into the trash.

As much as we like to think we know everything, we really don't.

I value my friends for their opinions, and I make adjustments when necessary.

[killedbyanangel]

Having grown up and watching my mother endure two divorces and plenty of failed relationships, I would have to say that marriage is NOT the key to a happy relationship or good parenting. If your both there for your kid, married or not, together or not, I think everything will be okay.

[ElectricEye72]

No offense rather to comfort you child...you dont seek others opinions,you only want people to echo whats in your heart. Since its in your heart already why ask others what they think? ;)

[kis123]

Here comes kis with her opinions......usually I'm not within the typical flow of things, and today's no exception.

First of all, I would like to commend Sinner and Jester for staying together long enough to make a Skyylaur (spell). The fact that you decided to give her birth instead of so-called other alternatives is beyond commendable.

My situation is not the same as yours. I had the first kid by a complete and total jackass--he wanted me to have the kid but he didn't want to be responsible to take care of the child. He walked away from me a very young mother. I eventually found out that my child was disabled and no man really wanted to deal with me because of my kid. I eventually dealt with a man who fell in love with my kid even before he fell in love with me. We lived together for 18 mos before we got pregnant with my daughter. She was his first biological child. His priorities got twisted and other things happened and we didn't stay together. However, he still loves my son even more than the sperm donor who conceived him.

The only thing I wonder is are you guys intending to get married? If so, then get married! Don't wait until you think you can afford it, because it'll never happen. Don't wait until things will change beacause that'll never happen either. You are a family of three and I think if you love each other that much, you should be married. You've already made yourselves a family, now go and make it official!

You know you love each other that much, then go the next step. Don't do it for other's expectations, do it because you know you can't live without each other and you want to be together. Don't wait until you can "afford it"!! Go ahead and let those nay-sayers foot the bill for the reception.

If they're not willing to do that, tell them to pound salt because they are double-minded! If they can screw around, they can conceive. If they can conceive, they can procreate. If they want the fun of screwing, yet don't want the consequences, it's unrealistic and you should run, not walk to someone who will respect you better than that. I don't think this is a problem with Jester and Smurfie......

I personally am proud of you both by being so young yet responsible for the life you've conceived and delivered into this world. You have no reason to be ashamed of anything. However, make this committment before you have the second one. Take it from someone who knows, you want an official committment before you give it all away!!!!!!!!!

[Oddjob0226]

Well, if you live in a culture that is a Puritanical Christian one at its origin core, that's where it comes from.

What piles it on is that as ends are harder and harder to meet for more and more married people in a planet where there's already 6 billion of us, it makes married "average folks" a little ansty to think they their tax money is going out to people for Welfare, WIC, etc. who brought a child into the world while there are people on similar programs, married and not, who don't have children.

[kis123]

Originally posted by Oddjob0226
Well, if you live in a culture that is a Puritanical Christian one at its origin core, that's where it comes from.

What piles it on is that as ends are harder and harder to meet for more and more married people in a planet where there's already 6 billion of us, it makes married "average folks" a little ansty to think they their tax money is going out to people for Welfare, WIC, etc. who brought a child into the world while there are people on similar programs, married and not, who don't have children.

Oddjob makes an interesting point. If you can't afford to take care of yourself and are given money every month so you can do nothing but screw around and make baby after baby while others work two jobs just to survive, that really sucks!

My boss is upset because she and her husband can't afford to have another baby and they really want one. As much as I feel badly for her, I am happy to hear she and her husband are exercising wise and responsible. parenting. Nothing worse than to bring a kid on this earth and you stand at the mailbox every month waiting on money you didn't earn to raise the kid.

On the topic of puritannical Christianity is concerned--it was hypocritical in the days of puritanism and it's still hypocritical now! People are having sex all over the place-how can you judge someone else when you're doing the same thing?? The only difference is that you (with "you" being hypothetical) haven't gotten "caught" yet with a pregnancy or std. Like I said before, folks can screw around all they want but don't want the responsibility of the consequences. They don't want to deal with the pregnancy, disease, or emotional upheavals yet they want to be free to have sex. Give me a break!!!!!

This is kis returning the thread to it's original topic.........:cool:

[MissBeeHaven]

I say the hell with people, if you are happy, your baby is healthy, then it doesn't matter what anyone says, maybe they are saying it out of jelousy for not being as happy as you

[KrazyBoi]

Who really really cares what other people think, if you love the guy and you both are happy with your baby then forget everyine else.