Here's a story I had a lot of fun writing; a "lost" game show pilot from 1980!
TVTracker: You got the DVD?
Luvtoesinhose: It came today. Awesome! Where did you find this?
TVTracker: I’ve got sources at most of the networks, guys who work in the archives.
Luvtoesinhose: I never knew this existed! It’s amazing!
TVTracker: There’s a lot of unaired pilots like that. You know about the actor’s strike?
Luvtoesinhose: Heard about it. Don’t know much.
TVTracker: Yeah, back in ’80, there was a big actor’s strike. All the actors were out of work. But they could still be on things like talk shows and game shows, cuz that’s not really acting. They were being themselves. So a lot of these quirky game show pilots got made, with all the celebrities desperate for work.
Luvtoesinhose: Too cool! Thanks again for telling me about this!
TVTracker: It’s what I do. Remember, no making copies, OK?
Luvtoesinhose: Yeah sure. I’m gonna go watch it again! Thanks!
Luvtoesinhose logged off at 15:47:38
“Welcome to the game show that guarantees a good time for all, especially the players!” the announcer’s voice said over the opening scene of the studio stage. “It’s time for, DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH!” The program title flashed on the screen in cartoonish letters. A caricature of a human foot was drawn below the words, with a human hand extending out of the lower right point of the “A” in “LAUGH”, holding a feather. “And here is the star of Don’t Make Me Laugh, Gene Rayburn!” Applause sounded as the title vanished and the game show host, attired in a very loud checked sport coat, walked out on stage.
“Thank you, and welcome to the first show of Don’t Make Me Laugh!” Gene said to the audience. “We have a really fun show for you today, and I promise a lot of laughs will be had right here on stage. And to prove that, we’re going to bring out our first celebrity contestant. You all know her as the lovely Janet Wood on Three’s Company, so let’s have a big round of applause for Joyce DeWitt!”
There was much applause as the lovely young brunette actress walked out on stage. She was wearing a white blouse with black slacks and black high heels. She walked up to Gene, and greeted him saying something that the audience couldn’t hear.
“Joyce, welcome to our show. Thanks for coming today to play our game.”
“Well, thanks for having me, Gene,” Joyce said. “Your game sounds like a lot of fun, and I’m ready to play!”
“Well, good. In that case, let’s bring up your partner for today’s game. He’s a magazine editor from Detroit, Michigan. Let’s say hello to Sheldon Jarrett!” There was more applause as a young man in his early twenties, with sandy brown hair and glasses, walked out on stage. He shook Joyce’s hand hello, and then Gene’s.
“Sheldon, welcome to Don’t Make Me Laugh,” Gene said. “Now, you’re a magazine editor, is that right?”
“That’s right, Gene,” Sheldon said. “I edit trade publications for the auto industry. Mostly proofreading mistakes and like that.”
“Make sure nobody spells ‘Chrysler’ with a ‘K’, stuff like that?” Gene asked.
“Something like that, yes,” Sheldon said with a laugh.
“Yes, well, I know my jokes aren’t very funny, but we’ll see if we can make Joyce here laugh. Now, you know how we play our game, right, Joyce?”
“Oh, yes I do, Gene,” Joyce said, a little fear in her voice.
“That’s right, what we’re going to do is, we’re going to sit you down in our special chair, right over there--" The camera panned to a plushly cushioned chair that resembled a dentist’s chair with a lot of gold glitter paint, with a padded stocks fastened at the foot end. “--then we’re going to take your little shoesies off, and we’re going to tickle your feet. How does that sound?”
“Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun, Gene,” Joyce said, the tone in her voice clear that she was afraid.
“Now, you’ll have a buzzer right by your hand, and at any time you can press the buzzer and stop the tickling. But, the whole time you’re being koochie-kooed over there, Sheldon here is going to be answering trivia questions. For every question he gets right, before you press the buzzer, he’s going to get one hundred dollars. If he answers five correctly before you cry ‘uncle’, we’ll double his winnings to one thousand dollars. Sheldon, how does that sound?”
“That sounds great, Gene,” Sheldon said. “I can really use the money!”
“Well, we’ll see how many questions you can answer before Joyce presses the buzzer,” Gene said. “How about you, Joyce? Do you have ticklish feet?”
“Oh, they’re pretty ticklish, Gene,” Joyce said, giggling already. “But I’m going to give it a good try, for Sheldon!”
“Well, that’s a great attitude, Joyce. Okay, let’s play our game! Joyce, come with me to the chair, and we’ll get you all set.” Gene led Joyce to the chair. She sat down in it, a look of anxiety on her face as Gene knelt and locked her ankles into the padded stocks. One by one he plucked the shoes from her feet; the camera zoomed in on the soles of her feet, wearing suntan shade nylon hose.
“Are these L’eggs pantyhose you’re wearing, Joyce?” Gene asked. “I ask because I’ve seen your recent commercials for that product.”
Joyce giggled. “Nothing but, Gene!” she avowed, wiggling her toes. Then the camera panned back to show her and Gene.
“Okay, now you see that button on the armrest by your left hand there?” Joyce glanced at it and nodded. “Now, whenever you want the tickling to stop, just press that button and the buzzer will sound and our resident tickler will stop tickling your little tootsies. But that also means I’ll stop asking Sheldon questions, and he’ll only win however much money he’s accumulated so far. Okay?”
Joyce took a deep breath. “Okay, Gene!”
“Fine. Now, let’s bring out our tickler in residence.” There was more applause as a man dressed like Groucho Marx walked out onstage, mimicking Groucho’s silly walk. He wore a cutaway tuxedo and the famous “Groucho” glasses with fake nose and moustache. He didn’t say a word, but shook Gene’s hand with exaggerated animation.
“Okay, Resident Tickler, get into position, while I prepare to see how much of a trivia master Sheldon the editor is.” As Gene walked back downstage to where Sheldon stood waiting, “Groucho” knelt in front of the chair, positioning himself at Joyce’s trapped stocking feet. The camera tightened on Joyce’s frightened expression as “Groucho” exaggeratedly cracked his knuckles. When the camera cut back to Gene he was standing in front of Sheldon, holding index cards in his hand. “Now, Sheldon, when I say ‘Go’, Joyce’s feet will begin to get tickled, and I’ll start reading you the questions. Remember, you get one hundred dollars for every one you answer correctly, and one thousand dollars if you answer five correctly before Joyce presses the buzzer. There are no penalties for incorrect answers. Are you ready, Sheldon?”
“I’m ready, Gene,” the young man said eagerly.
”Are you ready over there, Joyce?” Gene asked.
“Oh, as ready as I’ll ever be, Gene,” Joyce said, trembling a little. “Groucho” gave a thumbs-up.
“All right, then..GO!” Gene cried. Immediately “Groucho” began tickling Joyce’s stocking feet with his fingers. The camera zoomed in on Joyce’s feet, wiggling under their assault from the rapidly-moving fingers. The camera panned up to Joyce’s face, already giggling madly.
“In bowling,” Gene read from a card, “three strikes in a row is known as what?”
“A…turkey,” Sheldon said, with only minor hesitation.
“Correct! You have one hundred dollars.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” The camera panned back to Joyce, laughing hysterically and squirming in the chair.
“Who was the only U.S. President elected to two non-consecutive terms?”
“Oh man…I think I know that one…was it…Cleveland?”
“Grover Cleveland is correct! You have two hundred dollars.”
“AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Joyce’s head was shaking from side to side as she laughed. The camera zoomed in on her stocking feet again; “Groucho” was concentrating on her arches, his rapidly-moving fingers scribbling along the slender curves like wildfire.
“In 1930, who won the Nobel Prize for physics for his work in light diffusion?”
“Oh wow…I’ve heard of this…I think they call it the Ramada Effect? Is it Ramada?”
“No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong.”
“OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Joyce’s fists were pounding the armrests. “Groucho” turned to look at the camera and wiggled his eyebrows up and down as he played with Joyce’s toes.
“What famous detective has been played on film by Warner Oland, Sidney Toler, and Ross Martin?”
“Um…Charlie Chan.”
“Correct! You have three hundred dollars!”
“OH GOD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
“In 1867, who--" The question was interrupted by a loud buzzing. The camera panned to Joyce, laying slumped in her chair, fanning her face with her hand. Then it cut to her feet, still in the stocks, her toes scrunched up in their nylon sheath. “Groucho” was looking at the camera, shaking his head from side to side.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Sheldon, I guess Joyce couldn’t take any more!” Gene said. “Let’s go see how she’s doing.” Gene and Sheldon walked upstage to the chair, where Joyce was gasping for breath. She looked up at them with a sheepish look on her face.
“I’m sorry, Sheldon,” she said with a smile.
“It’s okay,” Sheldon said magnanimously.
“Joyce, you couldn’t handle it any more, huh? Our resident tickler was too much for you?”
“Oh, Gene, I thought I was going to die!” Joyce giggled. “I’ve never been tickled like that in my whole life!”
“Well, Joyce, you’ve been a great sport. Let’s get your little shoesies on and get you out of that chair, okay?” The camera cut to “Groucho” putting Joyce’s high heels back on her feet. Then it cut back to Gene speaking to Sheldon.
“Sheldon, you were a great player, and you won three hundred dollars. By the way, the answer to the question you missed was Raman. Dr. Chandra Raman.”
“Aw, right!” Sheldon said. “I knew that!”
“Well, it can be hard to think sometimes when the cameras are on you. Sheldon, thanks for playing our game!” Gene shook his hand. Joyce, freed from her chair, rose and gave Sheldon a little kiss on the cheek. Gene faced the cameras.
“When we come back, we’ll have a new contestant and a new celebrity player! But for now, our sponsors are going to try to sell you something. So don’t go away!”
The scene cut to black then, and a few seconds later a tight shot of Gene Rayburn’s face blinked on. “We’re back,” Gene said to the audience. “Wasn’t that a fun game we played with Joyce DeWitt? Well, Joyce got a lot of laughs out of it, anyway. Now let’s meet our next celebrity player. You know her as Kris Monroe, the lovely blonde on Charlie’s Angels. Let’s hear it for Cheryl Ladd!” Amid thunderous applause, the gorgeous blonde actress walked out on stage, with a big toothy smile and a wave at the audience. She was wearing a bright blue pantsuit with a wide silver belt, translucent dark hose and silver high-heeled sandals with thin straps. She held out her hand to Gene, who took it and kissed it; Cheryl pretended to blush at that.
“Cheryl, welcome to Don’t Make Me Laugh,” Gene said.
“Thanks for having me, Gene,” Cheryl said with a grin.
“Now, Cheryl everybody knows you as an Angel,” Gene said, “but you used to be a Pussycat, too, isn’t that right?”
“Well, yes,” Cheryl giggled. “I did some of the singing voices on the Josie and the Pussycats cartoon, a few years ago.”
“Just the singing voices?” Gene asked. “Not the speaking lines?”
“No, somebody else did those,” Cheryl said.
“I see. Well, we’ll see if we can’t make you sing tonight! Tell me, Cheryl, do you have ticklish feet?”
Cheryl giggled again. “We’re going to find out, aren’t we, Gene?”
“That we are,” Gene agreed. “Okay, let’s meet your fellow contestant. She’s a legal secretary from Philadelphia. Say hello to Samantha Bowen!”
A fortyish lady with long dark hair, wearing a brown jacket and slacks over beige blouse, came up on stage and shook hands with Cheryl.
“Samantha, thanks for playing our game today,” Gene said. “Now, you’re a legal secretary, is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right, Gene,” Samantha said.
”What kind of law do you practice?”
“We do mostly insurance defense, you know, if you get into a car accident and someone sues you, the insurance company hires us to defend you.”
“I see. That’s so interesting. I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m coming home from a party at Richard Dawson’s house. Okay, Samantha, you know how we play our game?”
“Yes, I do, Gene,” Samantha assured him.
“Okay then, Cheryl, it’s time for you to take your seat in the chair.”
Cheryl threw a look of terror, obviously feigned, at the audience as Gene took her hand and led her back to the chair, where “Groucho” stood waiting. When the camera was on him, “Groucho” rubbed his hands together in anticipation of tickling Cheryl’s feet. The camera zoomed in on Cheryl’s feet as Gene locked them in the stocks and removed her shoes. Her toenails were painted bright red and showed through the dark nylon.
“Okay, Resident Tickler, she’s all yours as soon as I say ‘Go’!” Gene said. “Groucho” nodded vigorously. Gene walked back to Samantha and took out a small stack of index cards.
“Now, Samantha, as you know, for every question you get right, you get one hundred dollars, and if you answer five before Cheryl presses the buzzer, you get one thousand dollars. Are you ready?”
“I’m ready, Gene,” Samantha said.
“Are you ready over there?” Gene asked, turning his head toward the chair. The camera panned to Cheryl, who with a nervous grin said “Ready!” and “Groucho”, kneeling at her helpless stocking feet, nodded again.
“Okay, then,” Gene said, “GO!” Groucho began vigorously scribbling his fingers all over the bottoms of Cheryl’s stocking feet, as Gene began reading the first question.
“What insect’s name is Spanish for ‘little fly’?” Gene asked.
“Oh dear…I don’t know…gnat?” Samantha asked.
“No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong,” Gene said.
“HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!” Cheryl giggled, her hands flapping up and down in her lap like the beating wings of a frightened bird.
“In the first season of Gilligan’s Island, which two castaways were not mentioned by name in the theme song?”
“Um, the Professor and Mary Ann?”
“That’s right, for one hundred dollars!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl laughed, as “Groucho” slowly raked his fingernails up and down the soles of her stockinged feet.
“What Nineteenth-Century writer was famous for such novels as The Invisible Man and The War of the Worlds?”
“Oh….was that Jules Verne?”
“No, I’m sorry, it wasn’t.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH GOD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl was howling with laughter now, her head shaking from side to side, her long blonde hair whipping about, as Groucho mercilessly tickled her feet.
“What U.S. President was best known for his ‘Fourteen Points for Peace’?”
“I’m pretty sure that was Woodrow Wilson.”
“Woodrow Wilson is right! You have two hundred dollars!”
“OH GOD, NOT THE TOES!! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl screamed as “Groucho” began playing with her toes, piggying them one by one.
“Elmo Lincoln was the first actor to portray what famous character in the movies?”
“Tarzan!”
“Tarzan is right! You have three hundred dollars!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl’s hands pounded the arms of her chair with open-handed slaps as “Groucho” slowly whisked his index fingertip back and forth across the base of her toes, just where they joined the foot. She was clearly suffering, but she was determined to win it for Samantha.
“Name the American plan for rebuilding Europe following the Second World War, named after the general who formulated it.”
“The Marshall Plan!” Samantha said authoritatively.
“That’s right for four hundred dollars! Just one away from the thousand, Samantha!”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” “Groucho” was making tiny circles on the balls of Cheryl’s feet; her toes were wiggling wildly in their nylon sheaths.
“Here it is now, for one thousand dollars: What famous movie star was born with the name Lazlo Lowensteen?”
“Oh my…I used to know that…oh, what was his name?”
“OH MY GAAAA-HA-HAD!! AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl’s fists pounded the arms of the chair, and she squirmed and writhed like a fish in the bottom of a boat as “Groucho” mercilessly tormented her stocking feet.
“I need an answer, Samantha,” Gene said.
“All right…I’m going to say…Peter Lorre?” Samantha asked, hopefully.
“Peter Lorre is right!” Gene cried. “Stop the tickling! Samantha has won one thousand dollars!”
Samantha jumped up and down, clapping for joy. The camera panned to “Groucho”, kneeling before Cheryl’s now-limp feet and clapping; then to Cheryl, who lay exhaustedly in the chair, her mascara running down her face in dark streaks.
“Wow, Cheryl, you really came through for Samantha!” Gene said, as he and Samantha walked up to the chair. “Groucho” was unlocking the stocks and putting Cheryl’s shoes back on.
“Oh, my God, Gene, I couldn’t have lasted another second!” Cheryl avowed. “Samantha, I’m glad you knew that last question!”
Gene handed Cheryl his handkerchief, and she began dabbing at the streaks of mascara on her face.
“Samantha, congratulations on winning one thousand dollars on Don’t Make Me Laugh!” Gene said. “Just for the folks playing at home, ‘mosquito’ means ‘little fly’ in Spanish; and H.G. Wells wrote The Invisible Man and the other one. Well, Cheryl, thanks for coming on our show and being such a good sport.” Gene turned his face to the camera. “And thank you all for tuning in! Be sure and join us again next time, when our celebrity contestants will be WKRP in Cincinnati’s own Loni Anderson, and from Eight is Enough, Susan Richardson! Until then, keep smiling!”
The screen went to blue then. The pilot was over. I couldn’t believe my good fortune in finding this. I wondered if the second episode were ever filmed. I made a note to find out, and if so, get a copy at any cost! Then I hit the Menu button and prepared to watch it again.
THE END
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
by XODLIRV
by XODLIRV
TVTracker: You got the DVD?
Luvtoesinhose: It came today. Awesome! Where did you find this?
TVTracker: I’ve got sources at most of the networks, guys who work in the archives.
Luvtoesinhose: I never knew this existed! It’s amazing!
TVTracker: There’s a lot of unaired pilots like that. You know about the actor’s strike?
Luvtoesinhose: Heard about it. Don’t know much.
TVTracker: Yeah, back in ’80, there was a big actor’s strike. All the actors were out of work. But they could still be on things like talk shows and game shows, cuz that’s not really acting. They were being themselves. So a lot of these quirky game show pilots got made, with all the celebrities desperate for work.
Luvtoesinhose: Too cool! Thanks again for telling me about this!
TVTracker: It’s what I do. Remember, no making copies, OK?
Luvtoesinhose: Yeah sure. I’m gonna go watch it again! Thanks!
Luvtoesinhose logged off at 15:47:38
“Welcome to the game show that guarantees a good time for all, especially the players!” the announcer’s voice said over the opening scene of the studio stage. “It’s time for, DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH!” The program title flashed on the screen in cartoonish letters. A caricature of a human foot was drawn below the words, with a human hand extending out of the lower right point of the “A” in “LAUGH”, holding a feather. “And here is the star of Don’t Make Me Laugh, Gene Rayburn!” Applause sounded as the title vanished and the game show host, attired in a very loud checked sport coat, walked out on stage.
“Thank you, and welcome to the first show of Don’t Make Me Laugh!” Gene said to the audience. “We have a really fun show for you today, and I promise a lot of laughs will be had right here on stage. And to prove that, we’re going to bring out our first celebrity contestant. You all know her as the lovely Janet Wood on Three’s Company, so let’s have a big round of applause for Joyce DeWitt!”
There was much applause as the lovely young brunette actress walked out on stage. She was wearing a white blouse with black slacks and black high heels. She walked up to Gene, and greeted him saying something that the audience couldn’t hear.
“Joyce, welcome to our show. Thanks for coming today to play our game.”
“Well, thanks for having me, Gene,” Joyce said. “Your game sounds like a lot of fun, and I’m ready to play!”
“Well, good. In that case, let’s bring up your partner for today’s game. He’s a magazine editor from Detroit, Michigan. Let’s say hello to Sheldon Jarrett!” There was more applause as a young man in his early twenties, with sandy brown hair and glasses, walked out on stage. He shook Joyce’s hand hello, and then Gene’s.
“Sheldon, welcome to Don’t Make Me Laugh,” Gene said. “Now, you’re a magazine editor, is that right?”
“That’s right, Gene,” Sheldon said. “I edit trade publications for the auto industry. Mostly proofreading mistakes and like that.”
“Make sure nobody spells ‘Chrysler’ with a ‘K’, stuff like that?” Gene asked.
“Something like that, yes,” Sheldon said with a laugh.
“Yes, well, I know my jokes aren’t very funny, but we’ll see if we can make Joyce here laugh. Now, you know how we play our game, right, Joyce?”
“Oh, yes I do, Gene,” Joyce said, a little fear in her voice.
“That’s right, what we’re going to do is, we’re going to sit you down in our special chair, right over there--" The camera panned to a plushly cushioned chair that resembled a dentist’s chair with a lot of gold glitter paint, with a padded stocks fastened at the foot end. “--then we’re going to take your little shoesies off, and we’re going to tickle your feet. How does that sound?”
“Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun, Gene,” Joyce said, the tone in her voice clear that she was afraid.
“Now, you’ll have a buzzer right by your hand, and at any time you can press the buzzer and stop the tickling. But, the whole time you’re being koochie-kooed over there, Sheldon here is going to be answering trivia questions. For every question he gets right, before you press the buzzer, he’s going to get one hundred dollars. If he answers five correctly before you cry ‘uncle’, we’ll double his winnings to one thousand dollars. Sheldon, how does that sound?”
“That sounds great, Gene,” Sheldon said. “I can really use the money!”
“Well, we’ll see how many questions you can answer before Joyce presses the buzzer,” Gene said. “How about you, Joyce? Do you have ticklish feet?”
“Oh, they’re pretty ticklish, Gene,” Joyce said, giggling already. “But I’m going to give it a good try, for Sheldon!”
“Well, that’s a great attitude, Joyce. Okay, let’s play our game! Joyce, come with me to the chair, and we’ll get you all set.” Gene led Joyce to the chair. She sat down in it, a look of anxiety on her face as Gene knelt and locked her ankles into the padded stocks. One by one he plucked the shoes from her feet; the camera zoomed in on the soles of her feet, wearing suntan shade nylon hose.
“Are these L’eggs pantyhose you’re wearing, Joyce?” Gene asked. “I ask because I’ve seen your recent commercials for that product.”
Joyce giggled. “Nothing but, Gene!” she avowed, wiggling her toes. Then the camera panned back to show her and Gene.
“Okay, now you see that button on the armrest by your left hand there?” Joyce glanced at it and nodded. “Now, whenever you want the tickling to stop, just press that button and the buzzer will sound and our resident tickler will stop tickling your little tootsies. But that also means I’ll stop asking Sheldon questions, and he’ll only win however much money he’s accumulated so far. Okay?”
Joyce took a deep breath. “Okay, Gene!”
“Fine. Now, let’s bring out our tickler in residence.” There was more applause as a man dressed like Groucho Marx walked out onstage, mimicking Groucho’s silly walk. He wore a cutaway tuxedo and the famous “Groucho” glasses with fake nose and moustache. He didn’t say a word, but shook Gene’s hand with exaggerated animation.
“Okay, Resident Tickler, get into position, while I prepare to see how much of a trivia master Sheldon the editor is.” As Gene walked back downstage to where Sheldon stood waiting, “Groucho” knelt in front of the chair, positioning himself at Joyce’s trapped stocking feet. The camera tightened on Joyce’s frightened expression as “Groucho” exaggeratedly cracked his knuckles. When the camera cut back to Gene he was standing in front of Sheldon, holding index cards in his hand. “Now, Sheldon, when I say ‘Go’, Joyce’s feet will begin to get tickled, and I’ll start reading you the questions. Remember, you get one hundred dollars for every one you answer correctly, and one thousand dollars if you answer five correctly before Joyce presses the buzzer. There are no penalties for incorrect answers. Are you ready, Sheldon?”
“I’m ready, Gene,” the young man said eagerly.
”Are you ready over there, Joyce?” Gene asked.
“Oh, as ready as I’ll ever be, Gene,” Joyce said, trembling a little. “Groucho” gave a thumbs-up.
“All right, then..GO!” Gene cried. Immediately “Groucho” began tickling Joyce’s stocking feet with his fingers. The camera zoomed in on Joyce’s feet, wiggling under their assault from the rapidly-moving fingers. The camera panned up to Joyce’s face, already giggling madly.
“In bowling,” Gene read from a card, “three strikes in a row is known as what?”
“A…turkey,” Sheldon said, with only minor hesitation.
“Correct! You have one hundred dollars.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!!” The camera panned back to Joyce, laughing hysterically and squirming in the chair.
“Who was the only U.S. President elected to two non-consecutive terms?”
“Oh man…I think I know that one…was it…Cleveland?”
“Grover Cleveland is correct! You have two hundred dollars.”
“AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Joyce’s head was shaking from side to side as she laughed. The camera zoomed in on her stocking feet again; “Groucho” was concentrating on her arches, his rapidly-moving fingers scribbling along the slender curves like wildfire.
“In 1930, who won the Nobel Prize for physics for his work in light diffusion?”
“Oh wow…I’ve heard of this…I think they call it the Ramada Effect? Is it Ramada?”
“No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong.”
“OH! OH! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Joyce’s fists were pounding the armrests. “Groucho” turned to look at the camera and wiggled his eyebrows up and down as he played with Joyce’s toes.
“What famous detective has been played on film by Warner Oland, Sidney Toler, and Ross Martin?”
“Um…Charlie Chan.”
“Correct! You have three hundred dollars!”
“OH GOD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
“In 1867, who--" The question was interrupted by a loud buzzing. The camera panned to Joyce, laying slumped in her chair, fanning her face with her hand. Then it cut to her feet, still in the stocks, her toes scrunched up in their nylon sheath. “Groucho” was looking at the camera, shaking his head from side to side.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Sheldon, I guess Joyce couldn’t take any more!” Gene said. “Let’s go see how she’s doing.” Gene and Sheldon walked upstage to the chair, where Joyce was gasping for breath. She looked up at them with a sheepish look on her face.
“I’m sorry, Sheldon,” she said with a smile.
“It’s okay,” Sheldon said magnanimously.
“Joyce, you couldn’t handle it any more, huh? Our resident tickler was too much for you?”
“Oh, Gene, I thought I was going to die!” Joyce giggled. “I’ve never been tickled like that in my whole life!”
“Well, Joyce, you’ve been a great sport. Let’s get your little shoesies on and get you out of that chair, okay?” The camera cut to “Groucho” putting Joyce’s high heels back on her feet. Then it cut back to Gene speaking to Sheldon.
“Sheldon, you were a great player, and you won three hundred dollars. By the way, the answer to the question you missed was Raman. Dr. Chandra Raman.”
“Aw, right!” Sheldon said. “I knew that!”
“Well, it can be hard to think sometimes when the cameras are on you. Sheldon, thanks for playing our game!” Gene shook his hand. Joyce, freed from her chair, rose and gave Sheldon a little kiss on the cheek. Gene faced the cameras.
“When we come back, we’ll have a new contestant and a new celebrity player! But for now, our sponsors are going to try to sell you something. So don’t go away!”
The scene cut to black then, and a few seconds later a tight shot of Gene Rayburn’s face blinked on. “We’re back,” Gene said to the audience. “Wasn’t that a fun game we played with Joyce DeWitt? Well, Joyce got a lot of laughs out of it, anyway. Now let’s meet our next celebrity player. You know her as Kris Monroe, the lovely blonde on Charlie’s Angels. Let’s hear it for Cheryl Ladd!” Amid thunderous applause, the gorgeous blonde actress walked out on stage, with a big toothy smile and a wave at the audience. She was wearing a bright blue pantsuit with a wide silver belt, translucent dark hose and silver high-heeled sandals with thin straps. She held out her hand to Gene, who took it and kissed it; Cheryl pretended to blush at that.
“Cheryl, welcome to Don’t Make Me Laugh,” Gene said.
“Thanks for having me, Gene,” Cheryl said with a grin.
“Now, Cheryl everybody knows you as an Angel,” Gene said, “but you used to be a Pussycat, too, isn’t that right?”
“Well, yes,” Cheryl giggled. “I did some of the singing voices on the Josie and the Pussycats cartoon, a few years ago.”
“Just the singing voices?” Gene asked. “Not the speaking lines?”
“No, somebody else did those,” Cheryl said.
“I see. Well, we’ll see if we can’t make you sing tonight! Tell me, Cheryl, do you have ticklish feet?”
Cheryl giggled again. “We’re going to find out, aren’t we, Gene?”
“That we are,” Gene agreed. “Okay, let’s meet your fellow contestant. She’s a legal secretary from Philadelphia. Say hello to Samantha Bowen!”
A fortyish lady with long dark hair, wearing a brown jacket and slacks over beige blouse, came up on stage and shook hands with Cheryl.
“Samantha, thanks for playing our game today,” Gene said. “Now, you’re a legal secretary, is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right, Gene,” Samantha said.
”What kind of law do you practice?”
“We do mostly insurance defense, you know, if you get into a car accident and someone sues you, the insurance company hires us to defend you.”
“I see. That’s so interesting. I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m coming home from a party at Richard Dawson’s house. Okay, Samantha, you know how we play our game?”
“Yes, I do, Gene,” Samantha assured him.
“Okay then, Cheryl, it’s time for you to take your seat in the chair.”
Cheryl threw a look of terror, obviously feigned, at the audience as Gene took her hand and led her back to the chair, where “Groucho” stood waiting. When the camera was on him, “Groucho” rubbed his hands together in anticipation of tickling Cheryl’s feet. The camera zoomed in on Cheryl’s feet as Gene locked them in the stocks and removed her shoes. Her toenails were painted bright red and showed through the dark nylon.
“Okay, Resident Tickler, she’s all yours as soon as I say ‘Go’!” Gene said. “Groucho” nodded vigorously. Gene walked back to Samantha and took out a small stack of index cards.
“Now, Samantha, as you know, for every question you get right, you get one hundred dollars, and if you answer five before Cheryl presses the buzzer, you get one thousand dollars. Are you ready?”
“I’m ready, Gene,” Samantha said.
“Are you ready over there?” Gene asked, turning his head toward the chair. The camera panned to Cheryl, who with a nervous grin said “Ready!” and “Groucho”, kneeling at her helpless stocking feet, nodded again.
“Okay, then,” Gene said, “GO!” Groucho began vigorously scribbling his fingers all over the bottoms of Cheryl’s stocking feet, as Gene began reading the first question.
“What insect’s name is Spanish for ‘little fly’?” Gene asked.
“Oh dear…I don’t know…gnat?” Samantha asked.
“No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong,” Gene said.
“HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!” Cheryl giggled, her hands flapping up and down in her lap like the beating wings of a frightened bird.
“In the first season of Gilligan’s Island, which two castaways were not mentioned by name in the theme song?”
“Um, the Professor and Mary Ann?”
“That’s right, for one hundred dollars!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl laughed, as “Groucho” slowly raked his fingernails up and down the soles of her stockinged feet.
“What Nineteenth-Century writer was famous for such novels as The Invisible Man and The War of the Worlds?”
“Oh….was that Jules Verne?”
“No, I’m sorry, it wasn’t.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH GOD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl was howling with laughter now, her head shaking from side to side, her long blonde hair whipping about, as Groucho mercilessly tickled her feet.
“What U.S. President was best known for his ‘Fourteen Points for Peace’?”
“I’m pretty sure that was Woodrow Wilson.”
“Woodrow Wilson is right! You have two hundred dollars!”
“OH GOD, NOT THE TOES!! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl screamed as “Groucho” began playing with her toes, piggying them one by one.
“Elmo Lincoln was the first actor to portray what famous character in the movies?”
“Tarzan!”
“Tarzan is right! You have three hundred dollars!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl’s hands pounded the arms of her chair with open-handed slaps as “Groucho” slowly whisked his index fingertip back and forth across the base of her toes, just where they joined the foot. She was clearly suffering, but she was determined to win it for Samantha.
“Name the American plan for rebuilding Europe following the Second World War, named after the general who formulated it.”
“The Marshall Plan!” Samantha said authoritatively.
“That’s right for four hundred dollars! Just one away from the thousand, Samantha!”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” “Groucho” was making tiny circles on the balls of Cheryl’s feet; her toes were wiggling wildly in their nylon sheaths.
“Here it is now, for one thousand dollars: What famous movie star was born with the name Lazlo Lowensteen?”
“Oh my…I used to know that…oh, what was his name?”
“OH MY GAAAA-HA-HAD!! AH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Cheryl’s fists pounded the arms of the chair, and she squirmed and writhed like a fish in the bottom of a boat as “Groucho” mercilessly tormented her stocking feet.
“I need an answer, Samantha,” Gene said.
“All right…I’m going to say…Peter Lorre?” Samantha asked, hopefully.
“Peter Lorre is right!” Gene cried. “Stop the tickling! Samantha has won one thousand dollars!”
Samantha jumped up and down, clapping for joy. The camera panned to “Groucho”, kneeling before Cheryl’s now-limp feet and clapping; then to Cheryl, who lay exhaustedly in the chair, her mascara running down her face in dark streaks.
“Wow, Cheryl, you really came through for Samantha!” Gene said, as he and Samantha walked up to the chair. “Groucho” was unlocking the stocks and putting Cheryl’s shoes back on.
“Oh, my God, Gene, I couldn’t have lasted another second!” Cheryl avowed. “Samantha, I’m glad you knew that last question!”
Gene handed Cheryl his handkerchief, and she began dabbing at the streaks of mascara on her face.
“Samantha, congratulations on winning one thousand dollars on Don’t Make Me Laugh!” Gene said. “Just for the folks playing at home, ‘mosquito’ means ‘little fly’ in Spanish; and H.G. Wells wrote The Invisible Man and the other one. Well, Cheryl, thanks for coming on our show and being such a good sport.” Gene turned his face to the camera. “And thank you all for tuning in! Be sure and join us again next time, when our celebrity contestants will be WKRP in Cincinnati’s own Loni Anderson, and from Eight is Enough, Susan Richardson! Until then, keep smiling!”
The screen went to blue then. The pilot was over. I couldn’t believe my good fortune in finding this. I wondered if the second episode were ever filmed. I made a note to find out, and if so, get a copy at any cost! Then I hit the Menu button and prepared to watch it again.
THE END
