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PROOF: Santa Claus does NOT exist

Joined
Jun 26, 2001
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The following is something I found on the internet. You may have already seen this before...but I felt like posting something. :rolleyes: So anyway, without further adieu...

The Rhythm Doctor

-------------------

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ''flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
 
holy crap....thats one of the funniest things i've seen here yet.... does that make me odd :D
 
No, no!

No, please tell me it's not true! Santa?! Where are you?

Actaully, Santa isn't so much a name as an institution...Santa has hundreds (if not thousands) of people helping him every year. They pass the training course, get their certificates and red suits and they are "certified" to deliver gifts. It's true!

How do I know? Each year, I would wake up and my cookies would be eaten, and the gifts would always be there. One year, the chocolate cookies were eaten, the next year, they were left alone. See? Different poeple, different tastes! :)

Plus we moved one year and the chimney was really small...now unless Santa lost a lot of weight over the year, it had to be someone new. :)

Facts don't lie. :)
 
Don't you know that anyone with flying reindeer has the ability to suspend time as well. Geeshhh!


lol

Ven
 
Santa is actually an Earthbound Jedi Master who's found a way to use the Force (abundant on this planet as he and I are the only ones here who can use it) to bend the space-time continuum.

Or magic.....:D
 
I HAVE to agree with Venray. Those Reindeer are amazing creatures.

So don't tell me there's no Santa... I won't hear it. I can't hear you... LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (covering ears) LA LA LA LA LA. Or maybe that should be FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! You know that song....Deck the halls with Cows and Collies...Fa LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA. Or there's my favorite.... Oh Come Let us Adore ME? Isn't that how it goes?

Boy I just can't WAIT until Christmas. We're putting up the tree this weekend and the lights and decorating. The Christmas Spirit around here is enough to make you want to heave! LOL

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I DO believe in Santa. I DO, I DO, I do!
 
Mobius Strip

Santa is a 2 dimensional polymorph with access to Mobius technology. The schedule is relatively easy for him because of recent advances in cloning and the fact that every little kid wants almost exactly the same thing(s), allowing him to use the portable Molecular Resequencer almost exclusively. The reindeer, while appearing similar to Earthly creatures, are fabricated self replicating mini-factories that supplement the occasional odd order...it's actually quite easily explained. The hard part is getting rid of the accumulated cookies and milk at the end. Q
 
HO HO HO!

We didn't leave Santa a snack last year, just left a note that told him to raid the fridge. Christmas morning, there was an empty beer bottle and a greasy plate with two pizza crusts on it on the table, a cigar butt ground out on the plate, and a puddle of muddy water on the linoleum under the chair.

Strelnikov
 
My childhood house didn't even have a chimney, and yet dear old Santa Claus always brought us kids presents. So how do you explain THAT, Mr. Smarty Pants? Ha! :)
 
i scroll down all the replies to threads of this sort, beginning my journey with the intention of writing something to the effect of :

"that was really funny mate, im gunna send it to all my friends - after ive stopped laughing"

or :

"oh i really thought santa did exist, boo hoo..."

or something equally as predictable in order to have my say on something that if i had been told verbally i would have laughed out loud!

however, i get to the bottom and realize that every reply concevable by human imagination has been writen... at least 8 times. therefore i dont post...

this seems to happen while im at work or in bed, its those blasted time differences again! ode to live in america...

just thought id tell you my presonal problems! :)

Dr|zzt
 
Calculations a la Santa

Ahemmmmmmmm!
Nowhere in your calculations are there any allowences for time SAVED re: ALL the BAD Boyz & Girlz that are goimg to be Passed OVER...hence the Holiday, (Celebrated by all us kidz that got SQUAT) called................. Passed Over.
First we dine on THE Traditional Meal of rice & old shoes...then everybody puts on OLD Chuck Berry Records & works themselves into a frenzy producing projectile vomiting & Halucinations ( last year I saw Jack Benny)...then we all pass out...when we wake up, instead of coal in our stockings we have Shares of Peabody Coal Co. stock...4 or 5 more years of nasty behavior & I can retire.

SO...Proof Positive;(as if we needed any) that there IS a Santa Claus!
:devil:
Bug
 
For the record, I believe in Santa Claus.

The only reasons why I began this thread are because 1) I found it to be rather humorous when I first saw it, so I thought I'd share it with the TMF, and 2) I was also very curious to see how some of you would react after I posted it here. Now I know.

I'd also like to say that this thing I posted is something that I found on the web...not something of my own. You can see it for yourself by clicking here.

The Rhythm Doctor
 
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