laughter_n_love
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- Nov 2, 2001
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Hey everyone. I had an idea for a story, and it wouldn't go away, so I decided to share it with you all. Please bear with me as I threw this together in no time at all, and I should warn you in advance that it's really light on the tickling. Although it's not as detailed as some of the other things I've written, it was fun to write, so I hope you'll forgive me this one indulgence and enjoy it anyway.
Laughter
Coach Billy "Cappy" Capabianco shoved a handful of beer nuts into his mouth and chewed noisily, unable to wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. The nuts had never tasted better, the beer had never seemed colder, and the waitresses had never looked hotter. Even his old buddy and Offensive Coordinator Jack "Jackie" Luger seemed less pathetic and easier to be around on a grand day like today. He patted his breast pocket where the paperwork rested and grabbed another mass of salted peanuts.
"I still can't believe it, Cappy. Is it really true?" Jackie thought Coach Capabianco was the greatest man who had ever lived, and had a hard time not saying so on a daily basis. Ten years coaching in the NFL and four national championships in twelve years at the collegiate level was enough to impress anyone, much less a born follower like Jackie.
"Oh it's true, Jackie. I shit you not." Cappy took a long pull from his beer and beamed across the table at his friend.
"Wow. I can't believe it. We got the Cannon. We really got the Cannon." The "Cannon" referred to Chris "Cannon" Crawford, the most highly sought after Quarterback in the nation. A star prospect a year ago coming out of high school, the Cannon had been forced to spend a year in junior college due to poor grades. All he'd done there was throw for 4,500 yards, 18 TDs with only 2 INTs, and manage to pull a C+ average, good enough to transfer to one of the big schools. The recruiting war for him had been intense, with each of the top football programs in the country throwing all they had at him. But it was Coach Capabianco who'd gotten him to sign a Letter of Intent just this very morning.
"Yep, I got him," Cappy agreed, making sure his companion remembered who was responsible.
"Un-fucking-believable, Cappy. How did you do it?"
"It wasn't easy."
"Oh I'm sure it wasn't."
"Our little recruiter punks couldn't get him."
"Nope, nope, they sure couldn't."
"Bob Fitzgerald over at State couldn't get him."
"That's right. Fitzy's going to be pissed about this one."
"But I got him, Jackie. I got him."
"If anyone could get him, Cappy, it would be you."
"You want to hear how I did it?"
"Absolutely, Cappy. I wanna hear it. Tell me how you did it."
"Well get comfortable, because you ain't gonna believe this shit."
"I'm listening, Cappy. I'm listening."
Cappy took a moment to sip his beer and soak up the spotlight. "You gotta go back a coupla weeks ago. I gets a call from University President McFee tellin me that the Alumni are all over his back to sign this Crawford kid."
"Cannon," Jackie said, trying to help.
"Yeah, him," Cappy said, not liking the nickname. "McFee says that they've already sent the recruiters over to the kid's dorm room, but that it's like a shark tank over there. Recruiters from all over, and the kid ain't biting at any of the offers. McFee says that the Alumni are threatening to cut funding for the program if we don't sign this kid, and our boys ain't getting it done."
"Oh, no!"
"So I asks him what that's got to do with me, I don't handle recruiting, and he tells me that I gotta go and get this kid personally."
"That was wise."
"He says that the Alumni might want to go in a different direction with the coaching staff if we don't get this kid."
"Those bastards."
"So I says I'll try. I don't know dick about this kid 'cept for what I've read in the papers. McFee has a whole bunch of tapes of the kid sent over for me to watch. You know how I feel about watching tapes of recruits, don'tcha Jackie."
"You hate it with a passion."
"I hate it with a fucking passion. So anyways I watch these tapes, and the kid blows me away. I mean he fucking blows me away."
"He's good, I know. I know."
"He's better than good. He might be fucking great. I watched this one play where he rolled right, looked off the Safety, and threw a frozen rope 40 yards across his body and layed it in the kid's hands. It was fucking beautiful."
"40 yards..."
"I ain't see pros make a throw like that, much less a kid. Errrr....where was I?"
"You were tellin me how you got him."
"Oh yeah, so I drive over to that junior college he's in right now. You know the one."
"Yep."
"And I figure, a personal visit from me might be all it takes. Lord knows there's plenty of kids who come here just to play for me. I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to fucking say. I've never tried to convince a kid to come play for me in my life."
"A man like you doesn't have to."
"That's right. I got kids from all over the country dying to come play for me. Plenty of them change their minds once they realize it ain't gonna be no walk in the park, but hell Jackie, I know how to win!"
"You sure as hell do!"
"Errr, where was I?"
"Cannon."
"Oh yeah. So anyways, I pay the kid a little visit. I don't set up an appointment or anything. I just show up, find out that he's not in Basket Weaving or Typewriter class at the moment, and figure I'll catch him in his dorm room."
"Makes sense."
"So I knock on his door and poke my head it, and Lordy! I catch the kid with his dick in his hand and his pants around his ankles!"
"No shit!"
"No shit! He's all embarrassed and shit, and I try to act like I ain't seen nothin, but we both know better."
"Yeah, wow! Cannon, beating his meat!"
"So then I lay eyes on what he's been snapping his carrot to. Some fucked up magazine about tickling."
"Tickling?"
"Yep, tickling. So I gets an idea. I introduce myself, being careful not to shake his hand." Both men guffawed loudly. "So I tell him to come up and visit me this weekend, that I'll show him around. I tell him that I think Midwest University can give him what he needs."
"What's he need?"
"I'm getting to that, Jackie, I'm getting to that."
"Sorry, Cappy."
"So I go on a recon mission last week, searching the campus..."
"What were you searching for?"
Cappy ignored him. "...but I can't find one that fits the bill. Then I stumble across the girl's gymnastic team over at the gym. I see this cute lil Asian chick bouncing around on a mat and flopping around on them poles, and I say to myself, 'there she is'."
"There she is."
"So I follow this little honey back to her dorm room, and I tell her that I have a job for her."
"A job for her."
"Yeah, I tell her that the gymnastic team ain't handing out free rides, but I can get her one. I tell her that it's a matter of school pride for her to do this. You know the drill. Nobody can give a half-time speech like me."
"You are the greatest."
"By the time I'm done, she's all fired up to do this."
"Do what?"
"I'm getting there, Jackie. Hold yer water, will ya?"
"Sorry, Cappy."
"So the kid comes up yesterday morning to see the school. I take him around, show him the field, the locker room. I don't know what I'm doing, but I figure this is usual drill. You talk to recruits. Does that sound about right?"
"Yep, Cappy. That's usually what we show them."
"So then I bring him over to this little gymnastic chick's room. I introduce him to her and leave them alone."
"So all he needed was to get laid?"
"Not exactly. I goes back to my office, because I had them put one of those closed circuit cameras in her room. You know what I mean?"
"Holy shit Cappy! You watched them?"
"Damn straight, and here's where it gets good."
"I'm all ears."
"So I'm watching them on the tape, and nothin's happening. She's flirting and shit with him like she's supposed to, and he's not going for it. I starting thinking maybe he's a queer."
"Cannon's a queer?"
"No, Jackie. So then that little filly gets smart, and she pokes him in the ribs. Well, his face lights up like a Christmas tree. He jumps on her like flies on shit and starting tickling the shit out of her. And she's laughin and hootin and hollerin like she's loving it. At least I think she was...wasn't no sound on the TV."
"No sound on those things."
"So then they start getting all romantic, and he starts tying her to the bed!"
"Holy shit!"
"Yep, and of course she's letting him, because that's her job. Once he's got her like that, I mean he tickled her like a crazy man."
"Holy shit!"
"I know. I couldn't believe my eyes, but I suspected that's what was gonna happen. He must of tickled that poor little girl for a good hour at least. I know she's getting a free ride out of this and all, but it looked like he was putting her through hell."
"Poor girl."
"So anyways, after he was done, they screw like two rabbits for the rest of the night. I couldn't watch anymore. I shut the tape off and went home."
"You taped them?"
"Hell yeah! That was the whole point. I figured if he doesn't sign with us, I'll release the tape. No school will touch him after all negative publicity. Can you say bye bye to the Heisman? Can you say bye bye to the NFL?"
"Bye bye."
"Right, so I figure I got this kid by the balls now. Either he signs with us, or I go public and trash his rep."
"Brilliant, Cappy!"
"Yep, 'cept I didn't need the tape. The kid stops by my office first thing this morning and signs this," he said, pulling out the Letter of Intent. "The kid kept thanking me over and over and telling me he can't wait to transfer here."
"Wow, sounds like he's in love."
"Who gives a fuck? We got him, and that's all that matters."
"What about the girl?"
"What about her? She's getting a free ride and got the next Joe Montana wrapped around her little finger. Isn't that worth a little tickling?"
"I guess so, Cappy."
"Crazy story, eh?"
"Crazy."
Both men sipped their beers and thought about the story.
"Next week, McFee and the Alumni want me to go visit some Tailback out in high school in New Jersey," Cappy said.
"Skip Warner?"
"Yeah, and I hear this kid likes to fuck chickens. I can't wait to see how this one turns out!"
The End
Laughter
Coach Billy "Cappy" Capabianco shoved a handful of beer nuts into his mouth and chewed noisily, unable to wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. The nuts had never tasted better, the beer had never seemed colder, and the waitresses had never looked hotter. Even his old buddy and Offensive Coordinator Jack "Jackie" Luger seemed less pathetic and easier to be around on a grand day like today. He patted his breast pocket where the paperwork rested and grabbed another mass of salted peanuts.
"I still can't believe it, Cappy. Is it really true?" Jackie thought Coach Capabianco was the greatest man who had ever lived, and had a hard time not saying so on a daily basis. Ten years coaching in the NFL and four national championships in twelve years at the collegiate level was enough to impress anyone, much less a born follower like Jackie.
"Oh it's true, Jackie. I shit you not." Cappy took a long pull from his beer and beamed across the table at his friend.
"Wow. I can't believe it. We got the Cannon. We really got the Cannon." The "Cannon" referred to Chris "Cannon" Crawford, the most highly sought after Quarterback in the nation. A star prospect a year ago coming out of high school, the Cannon had been forced to spend a year in junior college due to poor grades. All he'd done there was throw for 4,500 yards, 18 TDs with only 2 INTs, and manage to pull a C+ average, good enough to transfer to one of the big schools. The recruiting war for him had been intense, with each of the top football programs in the country throwing all they had at him. But it was Coach Capabianco who'd gotten him to sign a Letter of Intent just this very morning.
"Yep, I got him," Cappy agreed, making sure his companion remembered who was responsible.
"Un-fucking-believable, Cappy. How did you do it?"
"It wasn't easy."
"Oh I'm sure it wasn't."
"Our little recruiter punks couldn't get him."
"Nope, nope, they sure couldn't."
"Bob Fitzgerald over at State couldn't get him."
"That's right. Fitzy's going to be pissed about this one."
"But I got him, Jackie. I got him."
"If anyone could get him, Cappy, it would be you."
"You want to hear how I did it?"
"Absolutely, Cappy. I wanna hear it. Tell me how you did it."
"Well get comfortable, because you ain't gonna believe this shit."
"I'm listening, Cappy. I'm listening."
Cappy took a moment to sip his beer and soak up the spotlight. "You gotta go back a coupla weeks ago. I gets a call from University President McFee tellin me that the Alumni are all over his back to sign this Crawford kid."
"Cannon," Jackie said, trying to help.
"Yeah, him," Cappy said, not liking the nickname. "McFee says that they've already sent the recruiters over to the kid's dorm room, but that it's like a shark tank over there. Recruiters from all over, and the kid ain't biting at any of the offers. McFee says that the Alumni are threatening to cut funding for the program if we don't sign this kid, and our boys ain't getting it done."
"Oh, no!"
"So I asks him what that's got to do with me, I don't handle recruiting, and he tells me that I gotta go and get this kid personally."
"That was wise."
"He says that the Alumni might want to go in a different direction with the coaching staff if we don't get this kid."
"Those bastards."
"So I says I'll try. I don't know dick about this kid 'cept for what I've read in the papers. McFee has a whole bunch of tapes of the kid sent over for me to watch. You know how I feel about watching tapes of recruits, don'tcha Jackie."
"You hate it with a passion."
"I hate it with a fucking passion. So anyways I watch these tapes, and the kid blows me away. I mean he fucking blows me away."
"He's good, I know. I know."
"He's better than good. He might be fucking great. I watched this one play where he rolled right, looked off the Safety, and threw a frozen rope 40 yards across his body and layed it in the kid's hands. It was fucking beautiful."
"40 yards..."
"I ain't see pros make a throw like that, much less a kid. Errrr....where was I?"
"You were tellin me how you got him."
"Oh yeah, so I drive over to that junior college he's in right now. You know the one."
"Yep."
"And I figure, a personal visit from me might be all it takes. Lord knows there's plenty of kids who come here just to play for me. I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to fucking say. I've never tried to convince a kid to come play for me in my life."
"A man like you doesn't have to."
"That's right. I got kids from all over the country dying to come play for me. Plenty of them change their minds once they realize it ain't gonna be no walk in the park, but hell Jackie, I know how to win!"
"You sure as hell do!"
"Errr, where was I?"
"Cannon."
"Oh yeah. So anyways, I pay the kid a little visit. I don't set up an appointment or anything. I just show up, find out that he's not in Basket Weaving or Typewriter class at the moment, and figure I'll catch him in his dorm room."
"Makes sense."
"So I knock on his door and poke my head it, and Lordy! I catch the kid with his dick in his hand and his pants around his ankles!"
"No shit!"
"No shit! He's all embarrassed and shit, and I try to act like I ain't seen nothin, but we both know better."
"Yeah, wow! Cannon, beating his meat!"
"So then I lay eyes on what he's been snapping his carrot to. Some fucked up magazine about tickling."
"Tickling?"
"Yep, tickling. So I gets an idea. I introduce myself, being careful not to shake his hand." Both men guffawed loudly. "So I tell him to come up and visit me this weekend, that I'll show him around. I tell him that I think Midwest University can give him what he needs."
"What's he need?"
"I'm getting to that, Jackie, I'm getting to that."
"Sorry, Cappy."
"So I go on a recon mission last week, searching the campus..."
"What were you searching for?"
Cappy ignored him. "...but I can't find one that fits the bill. Then I stumble across the girl's gymnastic team over at the gym. I see this cute lil Asian chick bouncing around on a mat and flopping around on them poles, and I say to myself, 'there she is'."
"There she is."
"So I follow this little honey back to her dorm room, and I tell her that I have a job for her."
"A job for her."
"Yeah, I tell her that the gymnastic team ain't handing out free rides, but I can get her one. I tell her that it's a matter of school pride for her to do this. You know the drill. Nobody can give a half-time speech like me."
"You are the greatest."
"By the time I'm done, she's all fired up to do this."
"Do what?"
"I'm getting there, Jackie. Hold yer water, will ya?"
"Sorry, Cappy."
"So the kid comes up yesterday morning to see the school. I take him around, show him the field, the locker room. I don't know what I'm doing, but I figure this is usual drill. You talk to recruits. Does that sound about right?"
"Yep, Cappy. That's usually what we show them."
"So then I bring him over to this little gymnastic chick's room. I introduce him to her and leave them alone."
"So all he needed was to get laid?"
"Not exactly. I goes back to my office, because I had them put one of those closed circuit cameras in her room. You know what I mean?"
"Holy shit Cappy! You watched them?"
"Damn straight, and here's where it gets good."
"I'm all ears."
"So I'm watching them on the tape, and nothin's happening. She's flirting and shit with him like she's supposed to, and he's not going for it. I starting thinking maybe he's a queer."
"Cannon's a queer?"
"No, Jackie. So then that little filly gets smart, and she pokes him in the ribs. Well, his face lights up like a Christmas tree. He jumps on her like flies on shit and starting tickling the shit out of her. And she's laughin and hootin and hollerin like she's loving it. At least I think she was...wasn't no sound on the TV."
"No sound on those things."
"So then they start getting all romantic, and he starts tying her to the bed!"
"Holy shit!"
"Yep, and of course she's letting him, because that's her job. Once he's got her like that, I mean he tickled her like a crazy man."
"Holy shit!"
"I know. I couldn't believe my eyes, but I suspected that's what was gonna happen. He must of tickled that poor little girl for a good hour at least. I know she's getting a free ride out of this and all, but it looked like he was putting her through hell."
"Poor girl."
"So anyways, after he was done, they screw like two rabbits for the rest of the night. I couldn't watch anymore. I shut the tape off and went home."
"You taped them?"
"Hell yeah! That was the whole point. I figured if he doesn't sign with us, I'll release the tape. No school will touch him after all negative publicity. Can you say bye bye to the Heisman? Can you say bye bye to the NFL?"
"Bye bye."
"Right, so I figure I got this kid by the balls now. Either he signs with us, or I go public and trash his rep."
"Brilliant, Cappy!"
"Yep, 'cept I didn't need the tape. The kid stops by my office first thing this morning and signs this," he said, pulling out the Letter of Intent. "The kid kept thanking me over and over and telling me he can't wait to transfer here."
"Wow, sounds like he's in love."
"Who gives a fuck? We got him, and that's all that matters."
"What about the girl?"
"What about her? She's getting a free ride and got the next Joe Montana wrapped around her little finger. Isn't that worth a little tickling?"
"I guess so, Cappy."
"Crazy story, eh?"
"Crazy."
Both men sipped their beers and thought about the story.
"Next week, McFee and the Alumni want me to go visit some Tailback out in high school in New Jersey," Cappy said.
"Skip Warner?"
"Yeah, and I hear this kid likes to fuck chickens. I can't wait to see how this one turns out!"
The End
