goddess_nemesis
Verified
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2001
- Messages
- 42,925
- Points
- 36
Jesus is in the Bathroom
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’”
---
God’s Handles
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad, our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”
His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”
“What do you mean?” said Dad.
“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, ‘Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming.’ If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
---
Daddy Johnny
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his Mom, “of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
---
Don’t Pee in the Pool
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”
“But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.
“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”
---
The Rectum
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, ‘Johnny, do you have your report done?’ He replied, ‘No ma’am.’ She said, ‘If you don’t have it done by tomorrow then I’m going to make a call to your parents.’
As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing, and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, ‘This is going to be my report.’
The next day at school the teacher says, ‘Johnny, do you have your report done?’ He says, ‘Sure do.’ So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. ‘Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other’s ass.’ The teacher says, ‘Johnny, we don’t use the word ‘ass’ in the classroom, it’s rectum.’ Johnny said, ‘Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed ‘em.’
---
The Lesson
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”
“Very good, William,” cooed the teacher.
“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther.
“Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
“I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”
“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
---
Johnny’s Thinking
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.”
The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second: It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
“Is it a peach?” Billy asks.
“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. “Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
“A banana,” she says.
“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.”
“Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”
“Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”
---
Johnny’s Moral
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.” She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: “I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.”
Teacher: “That’s a good story, now what is the moral?”
Suzie: “Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.”
Teacher: “Very good Suzie, anyone else?”
Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.”
Teacher: “That’s a nice story, what is the moral?”
Ralphie: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
Teacher: ” Very good Ralphie, anyone else?”
Little Johnny: “Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.”
Teacher: “Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?”
Little Johnny: “Don’t fuck with Aunt Karen when she’s drunk.”
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”
Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’”
---
God’s Handles
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad, our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”
His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”
“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”
“What do you mean?” said Dad.
“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, ‘Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming.’ If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
---
Daddy Johnny
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his Mom, “of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
---
Don’t Pee in the Pool
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”
“But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.
“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”
---
The Rectum
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, ‘Johnny, do you have your report done?’ He replied, ‘No ma’am.’ She said, ‘If you don’t have it done by tomorrow then I’m going to make a call to your parents.’
As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing, and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, ‘This is going to be my report.’
The next day at school the teacher says, ‘Johnny, do you have your report done?’ He says, ‘Sure do.’ So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. ‘Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other’s ass.’ The teacher says, ‘Johnny, we don’t use the word ‘ass’ in the classroom, it’s rectum.’ Johnny said, ‘Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed ‘em.’
---
The Lesson
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”
“Very good, William,” cooed the teacher.
“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther.
“Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
“I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”
“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
---
Johnny’s Thinking
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.”
The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second: It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
“Is it a peach?” Billy asks.
“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. “Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
“A banana,” she says.
“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.”
“Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”
“Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”
---
Johnny’s Moral
In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.” She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: “I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.”
Teacher: “That’s a good story, now what is the moral?”
Suzie: “Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.”
Teacher: “Very good Suzie, anyone else?”
Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.”
Teacher: “That’s a nice story, what is the moral?”
Ralphie: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
Teacher: ” Very good Ralphie, anyone else?”
Little Johnny: “Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.”
Teacher: “Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?”
Little Johnny: “Don’t fuck with Aunt Karen when she’s drunk.”
