Voodoo tickling

One Hot summer afternoon Tara, Christine, Sara was sunbathing around Tara"s pool, they all had string bikinis on Tara replied such a nice day for a tan, yes said the other girls. all of a sudden tara started laughing. the other girls said what is so funny, nothing said tara i cant help it, it feels like something is tickling my feet. the other girls looked over and said there is no one there, tara replied it tickles haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i cant move my feet.
about that time sara started laughing, oh my goddddddddddddddd haaaaaaaaaaaaaa not my ribs. what is going on something is on my skin i cant moveeeeeee. christine was next laughing haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa my tummy is being tickled. the girls started squirnming pleasssssssse stoppppppp. then tara felt something tickling her belly button this drove her nutsssssss omg not thereeeeeeeee i cannnt stand it haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
please stop then the were finalyy ablr to get up and run into the house, to this day they never figured out where it was commimg from

Thanks for the attempt. I know there was a lot more we talked about involved with this story, but whatever. Thanks anyway.

takes the story to read it

yush, I'm gonna read this one. Hehehe.

Feather PMed me out of the blue in chat room with an unwanted PM and asked me to 'do something for him,' presumably in regards to the TMF. We should always be careful what we wish for... anyway, I decided that since he asked, I would in fact turn my attention towards Feather and his stories.

Let's look at all the things wrong with it. Maybe those of you who someday desire to be writers can learn, or will at least be able to go "Damn, at least I'm better than this guy."

So, first of all, looking at this story, we see that there is no attempt at basic literacy. This is the Internet, so most grammar is thrown at the window, but there should at least be "quotes." For when people are speaking. So, lesson one: use quotes when people are speaking.

Next up: use basic spell check. I have no idea what 'ablr' is supposed to be, but I think I can fix 'finally' and 'coming' in the last sentence. 'Able,' maybe? I dunno.

Capitals Are Our Friends: not sure why 'Hot' is used instead of 'hot.'

I burst into tears and had to leave the computer for a few minutes, but next up...

Rule 35: never use a run-on sentence when it garbles what you are saying. Most of you guys prefer Rule 34, which I'll paraphrase as 'things are always better naked and sexual, no matter what,' but anyway this is rule 35. Use periods.

So, let's fix: "One Hot summer afternoon Tara, Christine, Sara was sunbathing around Tara"s pool, they all had string bikinis on Tara replied such a nice day for a tan, yes said the other girls. all of a sudden tara started laughing. the other girls said what is so funny, nothing said tara i cant help it, it feels like something is tickling my feet."

* * *

I can't make this actually erotic or interesting, sorry... but I can make it readable:

One hot summer afternoon Tara, Christine, and Sara were sunbathing around Tara's pool. They all had string bikinis on. Presumably themselves. There's no description, so we'll add some. Tara is a 50 year old Eskimo woman who weighs a plump 250 pounds. Sara, in her wheelchair, feels accepted by her friends who see her as a whole person. Christine, an olive-skinned woman with a large nose and bad teeth, is enjoying her time out of her burka.

[Missing sentence that Tara is replying to...]

Tara replied: "Such a nice day for a tan."

"Yes," said both girls at once, in Strong Bad's falsetto.

All of a sudden Tara started laughing. Presumbably at ... no, I have no idea. She just is. Maybe Christine made a joke.

The other girls, in perfect two-part harmony said: "What is so funny?"

"Nothing," said Tara. "I can't help it; it feels like something is tickling my feet."

Worried, Christine called up Dr. Gregory House and his friends and was told to ask if Tara had recently been to Africa or had just inhaled insect spray.

( Now, presumably, one of the girls is using a Voodoo doll on the other two, or something. This is just a guess from the title. Based on the story, however, it remains unclear if it's a ghost, voodoo, invisible person, or if Tara is just freaking the hell out. )

I have to say Sharon, that was a little mean, but in all honesty, I really couldn't agree more

Oh man, SharonP, that was incredible awesome. I applaud you for attempting to review that, and making it amusing to read. I sympathize with your frustration. While I'm no professional writer, it amazes me how often stories break so many rules (to say nothing of, maybe, some adjectives? Descriptive sentences?)

If you read this post SharonP, let me just say that I loved the two short stories you did write a while back. I think it'd be great if you made another, whether on Rina or anything else that strikes you.

Is it just possible that Feather might have English as a second language? I can appreciate how it might be difficult sometimes to read stories the way they are posted or formatted here, but i don't think there is any need to cut up the poster.

I think criticism of that type is best sent in a personal message if at all. Yes, there is a lot the writer could learn and perhaps a little encouragement would give him incentive. But little posts like this one are also about people expressing their fantasies to a forum that shares their fetish. On that level the short story works for me.

As for English as a second language, that could be the case. I have sometimes seen posts in foreign languages and think there might be room for a foreign language section. That could encourage some great creativity.

JerryB