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Trying again, just trying

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A little while ago, maybe 2 months I'm not really sure, I stopped using this. and I'd only just joined.
I joined here because I have never talked to anybody about my fetish before, ever. and I thought it's time.
But I don't know I just couldn't handle it, maybe I expected too much, or just didn't really try enough.
But I had a lot of problems with myself. and with real life relationships, and I still do. that didn't exactly improve on here.

I wasn't exactly following my doctors directions interms of medicating certain problems I have, and that made things worse. I was paranoid, angry, up and down, lots of energy then suddenly no energy. and it was all just too much, all the time.

I tried to open myself up, i probably tried to hard. I just wanted people to talk to, not even significantly, just to talk to.

I haven't forgiven myself yet. And I don't think I should be forgiven, and I think I should improve myself regardless of if I ever get a second chance. I was talking to somebody. A woman, I connected with her. I don't just mean in a sexual way, I mean i on an emotional level. I loved talking to her, It was great. But I built it up in my head so much in my head, because honestly it was the only connectio I felt in the world at the time. after a while we stopped messaging. I didn't know why, just stopped.
weeks went by I got angry, and hurt and paranoid.
One night, I had had enough, I sent her a message blaming her for not replying to me. When she replied, I just started venting, and I got personal. I said horrible things. I didn't mean them but I said them. And I feel like a shit person for it. I feel sick about it.
Everyday I think about it I feel worse.
I just want her to be ok about it, because I don't want to make somebody feel like it's not worth trying to do something good.

I'm on here again, trying. I'm trying to just sort myself out and this is a big step. this is one step, just being here.

it's hard and it hurts, but I'm just trying to get back on track. And I'm just trying to control myself, and stop myself getting worked up so easily. And just try talk to people, anybody.

I'm trying again to not do what I've done before
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