This is one of those long, personal posts, designed because I feel like writing, confirming what I'm doing with myself, and displaying it openly in the public to you.

I know a lot of people are going to not like some of this stuff, and I request you PM with any rants/whateverelse, that way we abide by the forum rules in a public thread.

I don't want false responses or pats on the back, because frankly, for this new era, I don't deserve them, and I'm fully aware of that.


Onward:

If you haven't been paying attention to me, ignored me, or just don't care, I've been looking for love for the last 6 and a half years. My version of love is different than the average, common one, but that's not what this thread is about.

Over my 6 and a half years, I've learned a lot of things. Promises mean nothing, rings mean even less, some people are scum, other people think they are more than they are, and any girl that has ever dated me fell in love. I broke down and made a list as to what on earth they could have fallen in love with, and I came up with what's beneath... this.

To relate what exactly "this" is, go look at my post history.

Coming from a bad child hood, I naturally built a defensive wall around myself to prevent myself from getting hurt by others. Be it rejection, acceptance, or simple lack of social skills. That's all well and good, most have some sort of defense mechanism active all the time, though not nearly as extreme as mine was.

Problem comes when that mechanism became who I was. I've spoken recently to somebody from this forum that pointed out a lot of things I didn't want to know. Without warmth, the gentle die. And while not everything that was once pure and good dead, it is corrupted, there is nothing to feed it, there is no light ahead on the road I took.

My very fist 4 yeas of looking, lots of dates, when I wrapped an arm around somebody, I had a fire in my heart and a look in my eyes, hopes in my soul, it would be the one. Now, when I wrap my arm around somebody, my head twitches, my body writhes, my eyes give a death look, and it takes all I have going not to shatter her (to me) pathetic, little heart. No, this has nothing to do with being a female. It's anybody, really. I just want to see them... well... I want them to feel my pain.

The search for love originally started to give something better to a person who deserves it, and at one point, I could have, and even now, I probably still can. In a psychotic, forbidden, damaged kind of way. The quest for love now is an obsession, it's something that I need to do. It's not about her anymore, I can even argue against my previous point and say it never was. The only thing that can end this pain is love.

But can it really? Of course not. Why? Because there is no pain inside what's left. There is only a new desire, and that's to damage, destroy, and see suffering. I'm not saying I'm homicidal, I'm more intelligent than that. I've spoken to people who told me it could get to that point, and while I admit thoughts have been going about my head, I don't think it will, and neither did my family, nor a professional, which I'm sure I'll see responses that I need. I know the line between right and wrong, and while that line means little to nothing to me, it's best to leave a person trapped in their own mind, then do something stupid to, get put in jail, and screw over everybody and anybody around, and involved. I didn't study people for most of my life to become a killer, and I still have full intentions of opening up my own therapy building in a while, and helping those in true need. Until then, and while I'm going to school for that, which I plan on starting sometime in the near future, I need to help me.

So, where does this new era take me? Well, it's not really new, first of all. I've been unknowingly doing this for years. I called it "getting rid of worthless wastes of time". Did I get with them just to hurt them emotionally? I don't even know. And if I say "I don't know", you know something is a fucking mystery.

Anyways, this new era is going to take me down a darker, deeper path than I ever wanted to go on. Why do I choose to venture and not walk away? I guess I either like suffering, or I feel I need to take every road in life, and see which one takes me where. Deep down, I honestly think this one will take me where I want to go, to love, because there is something good left, and while I'm going to be dancing with the devil, I'll find at least one angel down this path.

This morning will be a start. I have a new job, some perfume factory, 5 AM until 3:30 PM, and unlike my last jobs, I'm actually going to stick around willingly, not to help my family, but just because I want something to do to not do anything stupid.

I plan on getting a drivers license before the end of the year, the job is going to help pay the driving lessons and all. Car I already have.

Where is that going to take me? To women, of course. From here, from dating websites, random encounters, all the way to my grandmas little bingo hall where all of them hang out and play cards all day.

If one comes along that deserves to have me, and not "this", she gets it, until then, tears of love, but they aren't my tears any longer.


If you stuck through all of that, thank you. If you skipped down here, for shame, human. Anyways, here's to the new job I have to wake up for in 5 and some hours, and to the future that I know I will have, and deserve.