I Like To Hide
My heart had been stitched shut with the same string that held my mouth closed for so long. I'd been that way forever. Lots of people tried to open me up and look inside, but I always shied away. What was in there was private. What was in there was mine and who did they think they were to try to pry me open like a greedy child with a candy jar?
I wasn't like that this time, though. I was shouting, screaming from the inside for someone to listen. No one could hear with my mouth the way it was.
As time went on, my mind and heart became full of things I wanted to confess, but couldn't. Secrets barnacled themselves to me permanently.
My eyes were wide with fear, my breath was uneven, and I was shaking. I was unraveling. I had cut the string, allowing everything I'd hidden to fall out one after another and I couldn't stop it.
Tears welled up and those couldn't be stopped either. I was raw and everything stung. Eyes were pleading, begging, screaming for everything to work out, for everything to be ok. Mouth was chain-smoking behind brain's back. Nerves were on fire. Had my statements been tangible, the floor would have been covered with confession.
Every choice is a lesson to be learned. As I stood there staring, the room spinning around me, my knees shaking, I wanted nothing more than to crawl back inside myself. I like to hide. I hide behind veneers of confidence and nonchalance, tattoos and piercings, clothing and my hair as it falls in front of my face. I may have bound my emotions inside, but my face was too easily read sometimes. An unfortunate curse given at birth.
I don't talk much anymore. I've since put the string back in place and I am much more comfortable this way. I long for someone to talk to sometimes, but I've learned being vulnerable sets you up for pain. Letting people in sets you up for abandonment. Opening up begs for attack. So I have committed myself to a life of solitude and silence.
I like to hide.
Wow I liked this. A lot. Very cool piece.
Secrets barnacled themselves to me permanently.
Sex, Guns & Violence
Samantha Storm: The Omega Horizon
Originally Posted by Marquis De Sade
Thanks. I actually wrote this after telling my boyfriend about everything. The TMF, TMF Radio, NEST. I used to keep the community part of my life separate from my real life and after getting closer to him, I started to feel like I was deceiving him. I was sick of lying, and he didn't take it so well.
All's good now though, and this little piece came of it.
Originally Posted by AnnieHall
I envy you. even for a moment to be free from the weight of isolation. reading this my eyes welled up. i think that for this site it is especially meaningful to have such an expression of what it is to be alone in our own skin. i know that it is my life's greatest fear that the world wil never accept me for the person that i am, and that has NOTHING to do with feathers. its funny how sometimes a tie and a tattoo can serve the same purpose.
"Ignorance and Prejudice and Fear walk hand in hand..." - Rush - Witch Hunt
"Big Money goes around the world, Big Money give and take; Big Money done a power of good, Big Money make mistakes; Big Money got a heavy hand, Big Money take control; Big Money got a mean streak...Big Money got no soul..." - Rush - The Big Money
WHOA! That is so deep. I really like it! awesome write~
Big_Dogg85: "I'm an equal opportunity porner"
Life experience is a great way to come up with wonderful pieces like this. Really nice job, Mairead.
Have a history of sexual abuse and need someone to talk with? PM me about the TMF support group. We're here to listen and offer support.
I am sorry that it has taken me until now to read this. Annie, you have put into words the thoughts of a lot of people here. I know you speak for me personally. I have kept my life buttoned up since my first divorce. When my first wife, with whom I shared everything about myself, suddenly began to use this knowledge against me, I was devasted. Practically destroyed. I vowed at that point to never let anyone that close to me again. I have since remarried, but now I am a totally private person. My thoughts and feelings are locked inside a vault and unavailable to the world around me. And I like it that way.
The wonderful thing about this forum, is that I do not feel judged by anyone here. I can air out my feelings without the burden of being concerned that people will not understand. I feel that I am in the company of like-minded souls.
I once said that my life was an open book. Now that book is closed to the general public, but at least there is a place where I open it up without fear!
Thank you for your wonderful story!
I am jerry606, CrystalLight, AnnieHall, Black Widow, C.A.B., Dave2112, Jersy Tickler, ElFewja's, and the Marquis De Sade's biggest fan.
Thanks for the kind words, man. To be honest, being open has always proven easier for me. The hard parts were due to me keeping things hidden actually. But if that's what works for you, rock on. Thanks again man.
Originally Posted by jm157