For back story, see my post elsewhere in this forum about the hazing my wife received in college.
All this talking about events of almost 30 years ago has brought back up a lot of feelings from the past. I knew that my behavior and attitude about the hazing experience my wife had undergone put a big strain on our relationship back then, and definitely caused her not to enjoy her time as a dorm assistant as much as she should have. Then as now, I'm not sure what I wanted her to do about it, I just didn't like it. I didn't like that she might be uncomfortable, or embarrassed, or that guys would see her in a vulnerable position.
But talking about it with Amanda has also brought up some surprising things. One, apparently they did continue some form of the hazing even after she was one of the senior leaders. But the biggest surprise she's shared with me is how much all of that excited her. I knew that it had not been a horrible experience for her--it seems that if it had been too bad she would not have managed to keep the blindfold and handcuffs as "mementos". And we quickly incorporated both of those items into our "fooling around" but it would still be another two years before I really tickled her properly. What I didn't realize (and maybe she herself only understood later) was how arousing she found that night of hazing.
She had told me of a time in high school when she was initiated into an honor society and one of the things he had to do was to dance on a stage to the song "Poison Ivy" while the older members watched and laughed. I would have thought she would hate that song, but if we ever heard it later she would sing along and really get into it. Still, that wasn't like being tickled on her bare feet for the amusement of a group of relative strangers.
I've known since not long after we started dating that Amanda likes to push her limits. She always took on challenges as if testing herself and her resolve, and to experience things. Even though she grew up fairly sheltered in a small town, she quickly came out her shell in college. Just during our freshman year (our first year of dating) she let me tie her to my bed in my dorm room, she posed for naked Polaroids in her dorm room, and she gave me a blowjob during a huge party at my fraternity. So when she had to go the weekend retreat for new dorm assistants and we heard that she might be hazed, she approached it with her typical attitude. When she saw my reaction before, and after she got back, she told me enough details to get me to stop asking, but she didn't share much about how she felt about it. And her future weekend retreats became a subject best avoided.
So, all this talking about now, for me to be able to write the story, has gotten us to digging into it all again. Here's the gist of what she told me:
I was excited the whole weekend wondering what was going to happen next.
Looking back I think Marilee had heard me talking about what they had done
the year before so she made it her mission to make me go last and do the
worst one. But the whole time I loved that everyone was looking at me, and
being "put on display" like that was very arousing, even though I didn't understand
that at 19. I think I liked being "humiliated" and showing my bare feet was almost
like being nude. Then being handcuffed and having no control, that was the best.
Even though what they actually did to me was unbearable, I liked that they did it
and that I had to endure it. Does that make sense?
She has also told me that she probably could have figured this all out sooner if she had been able to talk to me about it. She wanted so much back then to tell me all this and even for us to re-enact parts of it to help her understand, but she was afraid of how I'd react.
So I asked her, "What can we do about it now?". An evil and also shy grin came to her face.
"I've thought a lot about it for the past 28 years, and a lot more over the past 4 months we've started talking about it again. I think my biggest regret now is that I couldn't share with you all that happened and the way it made me feel and what actually happened. It's been so long now and there's so much baggage with it all I think we need to let that all be as fond a memory as we can. But I want to feel it again."
Obvious question from me: "What does that mean?"
Amanda: "I don't know, but I think I want to be in that position again. Knowing what I know now, and what we both know now, it would be exciting to have something like that to look forward to, and to dread, and to endure."
Me: "Don't you dread when you know I'm going to tickle you, to tie you up and make you suffer?"
Amanda: "Yes dear I do very much hate it when you do that, but also I know that you are always worried about going too far, and also it always ends with sex, which really just makes it unpleasant foreplay. I'm talking about something different."
Me: "You're talking about being hazed one more time."
Amanda: "I think that's it exactly."
We talked about if off and on over several days, each time causing her to get excited. I could feel the familiar emotions from 2.5 decades ago starting to gather in my stomach. Here's what we came up with, against my better judgement:
The anniversary of her hazing night will be May 3. It will be 28 years ago. What she wants me to do that night is to arrange for her to be "hazed" in a manner similar to back then. She does not want to give me details of what specifically she wants, other than to tell me repeatedly that she wants it to be as "real" as possible. I've asked her if there are any limits and she just says that if she can set any limits it won't be real. I've got some sense so I know there are some that will have to be followed.
Oh, and this time she wants me to watch. Just watch.
All this talking about events of almost 30 years ago has brought back up a lot of feelings from the past. I knew that my behavior and attitude about the hazing experience my wife had undergone put a big strain on our relationship back then, and definitely caused her not to enjoy her time as a dorm assistant as much as she should have. Then as now, I'm not sure what I wanted her to do about it, I just didn't like it. I didn't like that she might be uncomfortable, or embarrassed, or that guys would see her in a vulnerable position.
But talking about it with Amanda has also brought up some surprising things. One, apparently they did continue some form of the hazing even after she was one of the senior leaders. But the biggest surprise she's shared with me is how much all of that excited her. I knew that it had not been a horrible experience for her--it seems that if it had been too bad she would not have managed to keep the blindfold and handcuffs as "mementos". And we quickly incorporated both of those items into our "fooling around" but it would still be another two years before I really tickled her properly. What I didn't realize (and maybe she herself only understood later) was how arousing she found that night of hazing.
She had told me of a time in high school when she was initiated into an honor society and one of the things he had to do was to dance on a stage to the song "Poison Ivy" while the older members watched and laughed. I would have thought she would hate that song, but if we ever heard it later she would sing along and really get into it. Still, that wasn't like being tickled on her bare feet for the amusement of a group of relative strangers.
I've known since not long after we started dating that Amanda likes to push her limits. She always took on challenges as if testing herself and her resolve, and to experience things. Even though she grew up fairly sheltered in a small town, she quickly came out her shell in college. Just during our freshman year (our first year of dating) she let me tie her to my bed in my dorm room, she posed for naked Polaroids in her dorm room, and she gave me a blowjob during a huge party at my fraternity. So when she had to go the weekend retreat for new dorm assistants and we heard that she might be hazed, she approached it with her typical attitude. When she saw my reaction before, and after she got back, she told me enough details to get me to stop asking, but she didn't share much about how she felt about it. And her future weekend retreats became a subject best avoided.
So, all this talking about now, for me to be able to write the story, has gotten us to digging into it all again. Here's the gist of what she told me:
I was excited the whole weekend wondering what was going to happen next.
Looking back I think Marilee had heard me talking about what they had done
the year before so she made it her mission to make me go last and do the
worst one. But the whole time I loved that everyone was looking at me, and
being "put on display" like that was very arousing, even though I didn't understand
that at 19. I think I liked being "humiliated" and showing my bare feet was almost
like being nude. Then being handcuffed and having no control, that was the best.
Even though what they actually did to me was unbearable, I liked that they did it
and that I had to endure it. Does that make sense?
She has also told me that she probably could have figured this all out sooner if she had been able to talk to me about it. She wanted so much back then to tell me all this and even for us to re-enact parts of it to help her understand, but she was afraid of how I'd react.
So I asked her, "What can we do about it now?". An evil and also shy grin came to her face.
"I've thought a lot about it for the past 28 years, and a lot more over the past 4 months we've started talking about it again. I think my biggest regret now is that I couldn't share with you all that happened and the way it made me feel and what actually happened. It's been so long now and there's so much baggage with it all I think we need to let that all be as fond a memory as we can. But I want to feel it again."
Obvious question from me: "What does that mean?"
Amanda: "I don't know, but I think I want to be in that position again. Knowing what I know now, and what we both know now, it would be exciting to have something like that to look forward to, and to dread, and to endure."
Me: "Don't you dread when you know I'm going to tickle you, to tie you up and make you suffer?"
Amanda: "Yes dear I do very much hate it when you do that, but also I know that you are always worried about going too far, and also it always ends with sex, which really just makes it unpleasant foreplay. I'm talking about something different."
Me: "You're talking about being hazed one more time."
Amanda: "I think that's it exactly."
We talked about if off and on over several days, each time causing her to get excited. I could feel the familiar emotions from 2.5 decades ago starting to gather in my stomach. Here's what we came up with, against my better judgement:
The anniversary of her hazing night will be May 3. It will be 28 years ago. What she wants me to do that night is to arrange for her to be "hazed" in a manner similar to back then. She does not want to give me details of what specifically she wants, other than to tell me repeatedly that she wants it to be as "real" as possible. I've asked her if there are any limits and she just says that if she can set any limits it won't be real. I've got some sense so I know there are some that will have to be followed.
Oh, and this time she wants me to watch. Just watch.
