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Suggestions for making an apartment unappealing

gluestick

TMF Expert
Joined
Apr 4, 2002
Messages
441
Points
18
I love my current apartment and would like to stay put. Unfortunately my lease stipulates that the apartment must go into a lottery system every year to give someone else a chance to move in (similar to a college dorm scenario). There are 12 potential viewers that I need to scare off in order to reclaim the place for another year, and so I'm contemplating subtle ways to convince viewers that its a lousy place to live in. Right now all I have planned is a scoreboard on the fridge reading "Cat 3, Rats 0". Simply making the place messy probably won't do much since obviously it can be cleaned afterwards (and besides I don't want to get outright evicted). So, any suggestions?
 
Construct some desperate-looking home-made signs and tape them strategically about; signs that warn users not to do certain things that may have disasterous effects in this wonky apartment. Example: A hand-written sign stating to PLEASE USE PLUNGER WHEN SEWAGE BACKS UP ON RAINY DAYS, just over the toilet tank (including a fictional FOR SEWAGE EMERGENCY number is a nice touch.) Or a sign that reads PLEASE KEEP CLOSED -RATS GET IN. on the cupboard doors by the sink.

Purchase a good many cans of cockroach spray, traps, etc. And leave them out in the open as obvious as you can. 4 or 5 of the same can in one place to show there is obviously an ongoing infestation problem.

Buy a box condoms, de-package some and just leave some lying about as if they were used and discarded.... a few in closets, places where people inspect like drawers.

Another sign on the fridge (like a Note to Self kind of thing) CALL MANAGEMENT ABOUT FOUL ODOR COMING THROUGH WALLS AND FLOOR IN BEDROOM.

:D
 
^ That is a more extensive list than I was going to make. I was going to suggest having two or three mousetraps (the glue kind or the spring kind) in the kitchen and several cans of aerosol roach spray as well. Also, put a plastic bucket under the sink drain and leave an inch of filthy water in it.
 
Buy some fake blood from a Halloween prop shop, smear a little on the ground, constantly act like you're trying to cover it up with your foot.
 
Make sure you smell like balm or calamine when you have visitors. You can sneeze too, for added effects (put dabs of pepper on your hanky). Your script: "This apartment is killing me with allergies. Too many insects and mites."
 
Also... buy some black jelly beans and cut them in half and roll them into little rat and mouse turds and scatter them around the kitchen floor counter tops, drawers, bathroom, etc.

Go to the toy store and buy a jar or two of "Slime" and drip strategically from faucets etc.

Make a desperate looking wad of masking tape and cloth, watercolor it blotchy brown and olive green and stick it on the ceiling as if its covering a leak, put milagros' bucket of filthy water directly under it.

make a strong solution of soapy water and paint the windows until they are hazed over with a weird film

Buy more than a couple of fly swatters and gunk them up with syrup hair and a little dirt and leave on in every room

Wrap the middle couch cushion in haphazard duck tape and black trash bag and just leave it like that with no explanation, perhaps with a marker note DO NOT SIT HERE

Go to the library and check out some large books on venereal and/or skin diseases and leave them lying about; like on the bathroom sink.
 
Fill several jelly jars with apple juice/cider and label them FOR DOCTOR and place out in the open in the fridge. Perhaps deform a brown candy bar and float one in one of the jars.
 
A lottery system for apartments?

That's fucked up.
 
If I owned an apartment and had a good tenant in place, the last thing I'd want to do
is play an annual game of Russian Roulette to see if I could find new, shitty tenants.
 
I don't have any real suggested, but I wanted to say that that sucks. You have to worry about getting kicked out of your place every year... I've had to move out of places and it's not easy finding a new place and you have to worry about that each year. So dumb. There's a possibility of being homeless if you can't find a place... and they don't care?
 
Get a piece of furniture with legs that are slightly uneven, and rest it near a wall. Do that thing where you bounce your leg up and down without your toes leaving the floor, and see if it makes the furniture bang against the wall. It sounds a lot like rats inside the walls.
 
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