My parents are ashamed & won't accept my having Asperger's Syndrome

I am going to vent some in this post because I have to get this off my chest or I might have a nervous breakdown. Moved in with my parents in June of last year & it has been very difficult primarily because of my Mom. A while ago, I bought a Autism Awareness magnet that I used to put on my car but since I moved to what my Mom considers it "her neighborhood" and "her friends" she doesn't want me to have it on my car. My Mom had a fit when she saw my Autism Awareness magnet on my car and screamed at me until I told her I'd remove it! I don't know what the big deal is because in the last 15 years or so, people have become more and more aware Autism than in the past. I think that people don't put a stigma on other folks who have Autism or any other mental issues the way the used to anymore.

Another thing that's been going on in my family for years and it's only been worse since they've got older is that most of the time when my Mom is berating me about something, my Dad just defends her no matter what she says or how she says it. I know that he does this because he's afraid if he sticks up for me, that Mom will get upset with him, so he's saving his own ass instead of manning up and defending his daughter . I've talked to my therapist about this who have met my parents several times and she said that it's not going to change because they've been married for so many years & this is a cycle that won't break at least while my Mom is still alive. I know that my parents knew there was something different about me early on & and my Mom took me to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, also known as C.H.O.P. I remember they took me do various doctors and this was in the early seventies and back then, they didn't know about Asperger's Syndrome. They thought I was mildly retarded and I am not and they thought I had A.D.H.D and I don't. I'll forgive the doctor's because they didn't know about high functioning Autism then.

Sometimes when my Mom & I argue, she'll accuse me of being retarded or having a disease . Neither of those do I have. I mean I said to her if I were truly retarded, then I couldn't have been able to drive or go to college. My therapist has also told me that what's really going on here is that it's really my Mom's problem and not mine. Well, that may be true but she's certainly taking it out on me! My Mom also is two faced because when she's outside of our house, she is like a June Cleaver. However, when she's in our house, she can be anything but like a June Cleaver. I mean I am sure that other people to some extent put on a front outside their home but my Mom does it to the extreme.

I just want to add that my Mom & I were in her car going somewhere and the car in front of us had a Autism Awareness magnet on the back of their car. I pointed it out to my Mom that other people have those magnets. Her response was that they don't live in "her neighborhood". I think I've made my point.

Thanks ahead of time for who ever reads this and understands our dysfunctional family.

Your therapist is right. You have a medical condition that a lot of people have, but there's nothing wrong with you. Your parents, on the other hand, are just being assholes, voluntarily.
Your parents aren't any smarter than you are about who you are...they're just other human beings, they're just as full of shit as anyone else on the planet. It's a hard thing to learn, but once you do, you can put their input in the right perspective.

Thanks for your support Wolf. It's true what you said about my parents. However, ideally, parents are SUPPOSED to love their children unconditionally. How people act outside my family doesn't bother me as much. Unfortunately, my parents, well more my Mom, doesn't love me unconditionally. It's really a shame .

It is a shame, but it doesn't reflect on you at all. It's their weakness, their insecurity, their loss.

You know, the current theory is that Mozart had Asperger's Syndrome... I think he did ok...

both my husband and my little brother are Aspies. I'm also a counselor and I can safely and unfortunately confirm that many Aspies are abused as children by parents who don't understand and can't cope. Your mother probably subconsciously feels like your diagnosis is a product of her raising rather than the biological condition that it is, and she's taking her guilt out on the object of that guilt-not that I'm trying to excuse it by any means, what you're going through is inexcusable.

Are you a member of any support groups or Aspie forums? I highly recommend aspiecentral online. Great, active, understanding community. I understand that "get some friends" isn't the kindest or most practical advice one could give you-hopefully some online support can help.

If you ever want to talk feel free to shoot me a private message on here, and I know my husband (Senshi on tickletheater) would want you to reach out to him if you want to talk to a fellow Aspie. It's good that you're in therapy, and this person sounds to me like they know what they're doing at least. Keep us updated and stay safe!

~K (Karen)

I belong to a social group for adults on the Autism spectrum called New Horizons for 8 years now and that's been very helpful. I get more understanding from them than I get from my parents. I do want to move but my parents and I are having financial difficulties for a long time now. I would have to move in to low income housing (which I am working on) or a friend's home because I am an only child, so those are my choices for now.


Thanks for everyone's support so far. I really appreciate it

I have Asbergers Syndrome, myself. And I assure you, sister, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are not retarded, you are not an imbecile, and shame on them both for treating you like that.

Parents are just people even though we grow up thinking they're superheroes. The less you have to depend on them physically, financially, emotionally, the less impact their words will have on you. "What you allow, you encourage."

chicago said:

Parents are just people even though we grow up thinking they're superheroes. The less you have to depend on them physically, financially, emotionally, the less impact their words will have on you. "What you allow, you encourage."

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I tell my Mom all the time that I am an adult and not to treat me like a child but she does it anyway. You don't know my Mom very well. She basically has the attitude, "it's my way or the highway". Understand what you're saying but it's not that simple.

subBRAT.4.Dom said:

I recommend to read books by Alice Miller; she has a book called Drama of the Gifted Child. She addresses children of narcissistic parents. IMO, her books are truly eye opening with amazing empathy and supplies validation the child lacking within did not receive.

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Her website and that book specifically...

http://www.alice-miller.com/books_en.php?page=7

GirlWhoLikes2Laugh said:

I tell my Mom all the time that I am an adult and not to treat me like a child but she does it anyway. You don't know my Mom very well. She basically has the attitude, "it's my way or the highway". Understand what you're saying but it's not that simple.

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Many things in life are not simple. I imagine dealing with your mother in this situation when you have been grown for decades is also not easy. Just remember you have control over your reactions and circumstances. Good luck.

I have a daughter in the spectrum. As with you, it took a while to figure it out (early 90's, I recall). Are we ashamed of her? No. It is what it is, we help her as we can, and she's doing a fairly good job on her own. Trying to hide it from everyone, well, yes, that's your mother's problem, not yours. She likely thinks (as others do) that it was some fault of her, when it was just a roll of the genetic dice. Try to not let it dwell on ya, I think you're doing quite well, sounds like a bit better than our daughter. You definitely aren't a dumb retard (yeh, we used those words back in the day for the severely handicapped).

GirlWhoLikes2Laugh said:

I just want to add that my Mom & I were in her car going somewhere and the car in front of us had a Autism Awareness magnet on the back of their car. I pointed it out to my Mom that other people have those magnets. Her response was that they don't live in "her neighborhood". I think I've made my point.

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What kind of neighborhood frowns upon "Autism Awareness"? I'm sorry, I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I'm just trying to imagine a gathering of people who just decide "No siree, we cannot pay any attention to...autism" I've heard of racism, and sexism, and all those, but...bigoted against acknowledging Autism is kind of a new one for me.

Sounds like a shit situation, but you are entirely in the right here. If your mom is berating you for having Asperger's, that's no better than some random asshole bullying you for it, and you shouldn't feel like you have to take that as legitimate feedback.

knicks255, bigotry against disabled people is called ableism and that, too, is all too common in some societies today. I always say, ignorance breeds fear, fear breeds hate.

I am very sorry to hear that your mother is so lacking in understanding and so mean to you.
Keep working on some way of moving out of her house.

What kind of neighborhood frowns upon "Autism Awareness"? I'm sorry, I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I'm just trying to imagine a gathering of people who just decide "No siree, we cannot pay any attention to...autism" I've heard of racism, and sexism, and all those, but...bigoted against acknowledging Autism is kind of a new one for me.

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Something to keep in mind, for many years mental illness was thought to simply be a weakness of character, and something that a family was to be ashamed of. Things in the US have gotten much better, but depending on how old the residents of this neighborhood are, or how old the posters parent is, they could still hold to these beliefs. Hell, even some younger people still see mental illnesses as people just making excuses for their actions and failures.

Nah, like, I'm aware of Ableism, it's a fairly common issue in the US, like racism/sexism or homophobia or that sort of thing, but I guess I've just never heard of an ableist "Neighborhood". That's the bit that tripped me up. Suppose it's certainly possible, though.

It just sounds to me like a bunch of people protesting adding a wheelchair ramp or something to a school. It's almost cartoonishly bigoted.

Nah, like, I'm aware of Ableism, it's a fairly common issue in the US, like racism/sexism or homophobia or that sort of thing, but I guess I've just never heard of an ableist "Neighborhood". That's the bit that tripped me up. Suppose it's certainly possible, though.

It just sounds to me like a bunch of people protesting adding a wheelchair ramp or something to a school. It's almost cartoonishly bigoted.

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Keep in mind, it could also just be the mothers perception of how others will view things, and not the reality of the situation. This seems more likely to me, unless this neighborhood is made up of people from a culture that still holds negative views of mental disorders (which to be fair, is entirely possible).

Cosmo_ac said:

Keep in mind, it could also just be the mothers perception of how others will view things, and not the reality of the situation. This seems more likely to me, unless this neighborhood is made up of people from a culture that still holds negative views of mental disorders (which to be fair, is entirely possible).

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That's exactly what I was going to say.

Thank you.

My nephew also has Asperger's autism.

GirlWhoLikes2Laugh said:

I am going to vent some in this post because I have to get this off my chest or I might have a nervous breakdown. Moved in with my parents in June of last year & it has been very difficult primarily because of my Mom. A while ago, I bought a Autism Awareness magnet that I used to put on my car but since I moved to what my Mom considers it "her neighborhood" and "her friends" she doesn't want me to have it on my car....

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To put it impolitely, your mother needs a good, swift kick in the ass. There's no excuse, in this day and age, for her attitude toward autism, or toward you.

Seriously, I've had it up to here with people who break on folks with Asperger's, or mental illnesses.

Cosmo, with all due respect, I don't have a mental illness. I am a high functioning person who has Asperger's Syndrome that is a mental disability. Also, this is for you too Knicks, my Mom has a lot of good friends in the neighborhood and she's more worried about what they think than her daughter's feelings. I know that the stigma about people like myself and mental illness is still out there but I don't think it's as prevalant as it used to be.


I really appreciate everyone's support so far. I know it's really more my Mom's problem and insecurities that are the cause of why she acts this way, however, she's taking it out on me. Also, I have told her several times that it's not her fault because of the way she raised me or anything else. I guess all I can do is take it day by day and deal with her to the best of my ability.

This makes me sad and angry to read. Angry in that you expect this kind of bullying from children, not your own parents. My best friend has a close friend who has Asperger's and it's nothing to make fun of or put you down about. I hope that you're able to get away from the situation by moving back out as soon as you can. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're a good person and don't deserve it.