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Why is dating so difficult?

H

himynameisbrak

TMF Master
Joined
Jul 7, 2005
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(rant time.....I apologize in advance)


Why is it so hard for me to just put myself out there? I'm the kind of person that pours my whole self into a relationship, and if someone turns me down or breaks up with me it's a huge blow to my self-esteem.

I've been single for a year and a half now and it's kind of starting to wear on me. I've been talking back and forth with a girl for about a year now, but we're both kind of reluctant to make it a full-on relationship. It's mostly due to distance - I'm in Michigan and she's in Wisconsin, and it's hard for us to coordinate our schedules to be able to spend time with each other. Both of us are interested in starting a relationship, but neither of us are sure if we could accommodate the distance. Plus I have that lousy character trait of being scared of putting myself out there for a potential let-down.

Is there something wrong with my way of thinking?


(rant over...........thanks for listening! :) )
 
himynameisbrak said:
Why is it so hard for me to just put myself out there? I'm the kind of person that pours my whole self into a relationship, and if someone turns me down or breaks up with me it's a huge blow to my self-esteem.
Click to expand...

Seems like you kinda answered your own question there! lol

I'm not really the person to be giving relationship advice...But never mind! :D

I see it around me all the time. People shackling themselves to another person, investing everything in a relationship, to the detriment of their friendships, their social life, their interests, their sanity (sometimes! lol)... All because they think they've found the answer to all their problems in one person. That this one person can fill the void, so to speak. And then it goes tits-up and they feel like they've lost everything. And then a few months later they'll find someone else that takes their fancy and, well, see above! *facepalm*

If I were you I'd just try to take a more casual attitude towards the whole thing. Easier said than done, I know. But after all, relationships are supposed to be fun, aren't they? Otherwise, what's the point? And try not to look to others where your self-esteem is concerned!

Hope that makes sense. And good luck!
 
Well, the then-to-be wife and I had to spend a year and a half apart ( she near Albuturkey, me in Houston). Was it easy? No. Then again, we knew each other a bit before the distance split (an actual relationship......). And we've been together for about 36 years now.
 
rdhd said:
Well, the then-to-be wife and I had to spend a year and a half apart ( she near Albuturkey, me in Houston). Was it easy? No. Then again, we knew each other a bit before the distance split (an actual relationship......). And we've been together for about 36 years now.
Click to expand...

This girl and I have been friends for a while, but never in a relationship. We talked about starting one, but again the distance is the biggest hindrance for us. My job will keep me in Michigan for a good while (as in I literally can't move away for several years), and she is also pretty set job-wise in Wisconsin. We still text back and forth and communicate in other ways too, but we're both wary of starting a full-on relationship.

I'm more than willing to try to make the distance work, but we both see the realistic difficulty of it all as well. I just don't want to throw myself into a relationship only for it to not work out, like I did with my last one. I hope I'm making sense, haha.
 
himynameisbrak said:
(rant time.....I apologize in advance)


Why is it so hard for me to just put myself out there? I'm the kind of person that pours my whole self into a relationship, and if someone turns me down or breaks up with me it's a huge blow to my self-esteem.

I've been single for a year and a half now and it's kind of starting to wear on me. I've been talking back and forth with a girl for about a year now, but we're both kind of reluctant to make it a full-on relationship. It's mostly due to distance - I'm in Michigan and she's in Wisconsin, and it's hard for us to coordinate our schedules to be able to spend time with each other. Both of us are interested in starting a relationship, but neither of us are sure if we could accommodate the distance. Plus I have that lousy character trait of being scared of putting myself out there for a potential let-down.

Is there something wrong with my way of thinking?


(rant over...........thanks for listening! :) )
Click to expand...

I struggled with the same problem. I understand exactly how you feel. I went through the same sense of hesitancy. In this case there is no substitute for straight up grown man talk with a little bit of cold water.

Confidence is the foundation of female attraction. Every archetype for a woman's dream guy starts and ends with a confident, self assured, man.

Fear of rejection is like an anchor around our inner game. It prevents us from exhibiting the natural behaviors that trigger meaningful deep female attraction. This is where I spent the majority of my life. This is what I had to correct when I started dating and looking for my wife. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing that needs to be FIXED persay, its just a different perspective.

I read a book called double your dating. It's a crude instrument that doesn't really deal with the general morality of dating vs. courting but it will help you develop the inner game to make yourself more confident to make romantic advances and at the same time more attractive so that they are more frequently received positively.
 
I may have missed this in your post but have you guys met, spent a considerable amount of time together or is it mostly via text/calls?

Speaking from experience, its best to keep expectations low. Long distance is difficult, it may work out, it may not, but keep working on building up that relationship, and maybe in time you'll figure out a way to make it work. But its a good idea to protect yourself, and to just be cautious and not too invested, too if that makes sense.
 
MissEmbrace said:
I may have missed this in your post but have you guys met, spent a considerable amount of time together or is it mostly via text/calls?
Click to expand...


I still have family in Wisconsin, so whenever I travel home to visit them, this girl and I always try to get together. She also came out and stayed with me for a week this past spring (well, it snowed here in Michigan ;) ).
 
Dating is difficult because you want it end with: and they lived happily ever after. It helps if you approach it with more of an "I'm going to go out and have fun with another person and see where it goes " attitude. As JJ alluded to, you need to project confidence. Even if you don't necessarily feel it at the moment. For crying out loud, unless you think this girl is your soul mate, you can find someone closer to home if you try. Just believe in you!
 
Someone wise once said "Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit. "

Once you realize that rejection is part of life that you have to deal with in many different ways and that everyone faces it, you can start to accept it and maybe it won't affect you as much. Dating is where you figure out if you want to make it more serious, rejection is probably encouraged in this stage because why get into a relationship if you're unhappy with the other person or vice versa? I imagine most people find dating difficult tbh. Putting way too much pressure to impress the other person and then letting themselves get hijacked by the disappointment if the chemistry just isn't there. Ultimately, dating is like an extended romantic interview before getting into a relationship.
 
My opinion: sometimes it's good to just go "caveman". That is, a lot of the means we use to "connect" to each other can be as counter-productive as it can be productive. If she isn't committing or blowing up your phone with all kinds of happy shit between seeing you, all the email correspondence is basically just a hobby for one of you. And that gets pretty tiring. Unless there's something spectacular you see, I'd recommend stepping out the door to the vesuvius
 
The Internet said:
"Do not awaken love before it so desires" - Solomon
Click to expand...

I think Solomon is a poor example in this case. Love comes when you least expect it, you can't awaken it if it isn't there, but it's always on time. Once you give up your pride and be yourself instead of worrying about what others might think, it will happen very quickly and without warning.

 
Bator said:
I think Solomon is a poor example in this case. Love comes when you least expect it, you can't awaken it if it isn't there, but it's always on time. Once you give up your pride and be yourself instead of worrying about what others might think, it will happen very quickly and without warning.
Click to expand...

That's exactly the point of the quote, Bator...you let love happen in its own time, you don't will it....(actually Solomon was probably talking about sex but....). You're getting hung up on the word "awaken".
 
The Internet said:
That's exactly the point of the quote, Bator...you let love happen in its own time, you don't will it....(actually Solomon was probably talking about sex but....). You're getting hung up on the word "awaken".
Click to expand...

Hi. I'm Helena. I've been away from the forum for a bit, but I'd thought I'd give my wooden nickel about dating and relationships.

In order to find someone worthy of your time, you have to be worthy of their time. It's like a mirror in a relationship. You give me what I give you. If you are not willing to compromise on where you will live, and she is not willing to compromise on where she lives, then you are at a stalemate. You see that this is the case with this particular woman, so perhaps if you actually moved for her, you and she will have many other problems as your relationship develops when it comes to making decisions if each of you put yourselves first. Sex and play and one-offs are very different than a girlfriend.

Please take this advice as me seeing you struggling with an issue, and just trying to offer something of value. Good Luck! :thumbsup:

May I ask why you like to keep yourself at a distance with women? You don't need to tell me, but perhaps you might think about why you are trying to make something work that clearly is not going to happen.
 
Because people is educated to repulse the strangers, and also people is so very little educated in other intellectual matters that relationships become possible only with stupid activities.

It is hard to find someone intelligent enough, and also open enough to talk with you. You have to catch the person when it appear. If it does not appear, what you can do is to meet more and more people till you find one special.
 
The Internet said:
"Do not awaken love before it so desires" - Solomon
Click to expand...

Aside from The Internet, am I the only one who thinks that this quote is really goddamn wise... and the journey of this quote in this thread amused me just like observing a cold snake's blood simmer to a boiling point simply because it's time. It means, a person who lets his/her head decide for the heart won't jump at any petty chance at all, but for the ultimate bird kill...

What did I just say?
 
here is a another quote..

get busy living or get busy dying...shawshank redemption

We all have our comfort zones but the thing about a relationship is that two people need to trust each other enough to take the plunge in sharing each other's lives. I think you may be afraid of losing your comfort zone. If you truly know what the other person is all about it should be clear. I believe this has nothing to do with a relationship but the fact you may not be sure of change.--just my opinion
 
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