Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It's quite a journey to diet and exercise when there are health problems, food addiction, advertising, hidden sugars in food, stress...it's like wrestling Andre The Giant. Very hard to win.
Before you read this... go grab something to eat. Whatever you want. Get cookies, get chips, or even just a soda. Please. This can wait 5 extra minutes.
Got it? Good. I trust you... Now enjoy it as you read. Please.
My Grandparents who raised me were overweight. So I never learned portion control. And advertising showed me all the goodies available in droves. Doritos, Ruffles, Candy, soda, McDonalds. All of it. And I fell for it. Most of us did.
Now since 1st grade I was bullied. Now I managed to stay thin somehow till I was about 12... then lost the weight at 16. I never ballooned up completely till I was in my middle 20's though. Thank goodness for bikes and watching wrestling... those tickling fantasies I grew to have around wrestlers came in real handy pretending to be chased by them around my backyard. lol. And no internet back then!! But Nintendo entered the picture at some point... and that started to curb a lot of my exercise and play.
But being bullied every single day until the 10th grade was such a huge stress... I started playing with my food. And I would make a game out of eating in different ways. Chew 3 times on left... twice on the right... 3 times in the left. Switch. It's a form of OCD. To have control over something. Anything. And ... around 11 I began eating in the middle of the night. I think I must have picked that up from the Golden Girls or Three's Company. I'm not sure. I just remember the first time that I did it. I felt... like I had some sort of sexy secret. Eating chips in the middle of night....How dark and mysterious was I? Oohlala. lol!!! Give me a break... lol. But I was a kid.
As I got older I lost the OCD component. But I have always eaten in the middle of the night since. To the point I get food hangovers. They are awful. I feel sick for at least a few hours in the morning when I do it. Sometimes I can't remember when I do it. I've actually been doing it all summer again. The stress of no AC and bills has just taken its toll. And even now getting back to 3 hour workouts and one Benadryl do not prevent me from getting up. Now this is just my first week back so... as the intensity of my workouts increase I should be getting back to staying asleep. But... it's not a guarantee for me. Which means my boyfriend will have to lock down the kitchen yet again. He use to restrain my ankle or wrist to the bed post per my request. It took me months but I started getting out of them somehow. He never wanted to make my restraint fully locked because what if there was a fire or robbery? You never know what can happen so better to be safe than sorry. So that didn't work out. Locking down the kitchen does...but it's sad right? And frustrating. We're talking about doing that again. I hope it doesn't come to that.
But back to some details about me. I've lost my entire family through the years including my Gf. And pets. And stress in general always makes me seek out a good meal. Or junk. Or even to celebrate. I for years starting young...drank soda and picked it back up around 24... drinking a whole 2 liters of Coke a day! Oh It tasted good. I grew up on it and Pepsi, Sprite, Dr. Pepper. Fruit juices that flat out aren't good for you. Later Beer. Nothing in moderation. Eating just became from early on a way to fill up the void of being alone so much of the time. Even my Grandparents were very old growing up. Ages ranging of late 50's, late 60's and early 70's. They played with me every once in awhile. Board games, cards, or tv. My Grandfather would take me sledding in the winter. He would only watch me have fun though. Or take me to the beach sometimes. He wasn't even able to sit down and just relax. They just were not physically able to play like younger parents have the opportunity. My Great Grandmother was born in 1903. So getting down on the floor to play dolls and Legos... or hide and seek wasn't an option. I still had a good life thanks to them and I am forever grateful. And The 80's were EPIC in the various forms of entertainment. Sexy and sleazy Exploitation films were on tv in droves. Horror movies... Sexy War films... sexy cheesy Beach movies... books... the music..,yeah it certainly wasn't all bad...
After I finished homework or playing outside I was eating my dinners or snacks in front of the tv. And the characters and people on tv... became my friends. Friends from a distance. Being alone that much.., it isn't healthy. No way. You can only imagine the thoughts that plagued me being bullied so much. Very sad times in that regard. I cried all the time. But tv and music... celebrities... saved me from going absolutely crazy. Madonna and George Michael were sure a hell of a lot cooler than anyone at MY school. lol These people and entertainment saved me from doing something we see quite a lot in the news these days when children are bullied now in the age of social media. I KNEW there would be a life I could make for myself after that part of my life was over. But time was moving so slow then. But... I had entertainment in droves. I related heavily to "The Boy In The Bubble"... and "Mask" with Eric Stoltz. When Apocalyptic movies were the rage... I would pretend to lock myself in the bathroom with a sandwich to see how long I could hold out not eating. I don't think I ever lasted longer than 20 minutes.
Now around 19 (thin) I taught line dancing to tourists at a theme restaurant bar in the South. That was fun. But that only lasted a couple of years. And with long term relationships... comes bonding over food... in good times and bad. But... still one thing I never learned was how to cook for myself. With my Gf we rarely cooked at home. We always usually went out to eat. Some was fine dining... some Vegetarian meals... some very healthy meals... some were Fast food. Some were complete stoner party fiestas. She was much older than me and had been a hippie. Weed was just part of the mix sometimes. (Btw I learned years ago it's better to eat BEFORE you smoke up. Then you're not hungry.)
5 years ago I woke up and I was 222 pounds. I went to the grocery store and the horror of seeing that scale... I'd had enough. I made the decision right then and there to start controlling my life. To learn... and to get the body back I once had.
Now... there have been issues of taking care of family members of my Bf's and other issues that have always prevented me from completing my goals. Earlier this year I DID hit my goal weight of 135. But... then summer came back around. Life happens.
And now it's time to get back to it.
And I have learned already to cook and bake. But I still have not mastered the basics particularly with knife skills and meat preparation. My Bf is a foodie so he's dying for me to learn. He learned and loves to cook.
Alton Brown is his favorite cook. And I'm getting there. Now I may always have to deal with sleep eating... and life will continue to "happen". But getting back on track is VITAL.
For me now... when I go too long without working out... my legs are filled with actual pain. Worse than any soreness or muscle fatigue from working out EVER could be. I can't get comfortable no matter what I do. The extra weight gain and not moving is just... it's atrophy. When I was 222... I would be out of breath climbing a short flight of stairs. Sex was unenjoyable. Being restrained in certain positions forget it. My legs just couldn't take most positions. Even doggy style made my knees HURT. I couldn't kneel... be on top.., hardly ANYTHING.
That's not a fun life. That's sad. And I refuse to be the type of partner that would continue to let themselves go like this. My Bf has maintained his weight since high school!!! He's around 150 I think. He always told me how beautiful I was. And he himself says he didn't realize how big I had become until I was near the mark of 222.
Enough... enough... enough!!!!
I want to end this post with my Grandparents. My Grandfather died of a Heart attack at 67. I was 15. He was on so many different medications... And he was 6'4. He was not obese though. But he was a big man. He was not fat by our standards. Just a Big and Tall man. But... not eating right put him in the grave. He was a good man. I miss him so much. I could go on and on about him. He had a magical laugh that makes me smile when I think about it. So cheery and upbeat.
My Great Grandmother died of a heart attack. She was 91 I think. I think I was 24 maybe. I don't remember because I don't like to remember the specifics. I don't even remember her date of death. It hurts way too much to remember. And she died while in a nursing home. She wouldn't let me take care of her. Even though that's what I did for a living. (Being a Caregiver for Elderly Alzheimer's patients.) I think in her mind I was too young and didn't want to put me through that. And... her dignity. She was my best friend, And I miss her so much it pains me to even think about her.
My Grandmother had a heart attack and complications to Diabetes. She also ended up in a nursing home. Same story. Wouldn't let me take care of her. She was there for around 10 years. She lost the use of her legs and hands. Her hearing was never great... and her eyesight was dimmer the last time I saw her. And she had to go in for Kidney dialysis 4 times a week. For hours... 4 times a week. Somehow she heard me say I love you the last time I spoke to her. And said back I love you too. We ended up not having the best relationship after my Grandfather died. She was very angry and bitter. And growing up when she got angry the whole house if not the entire street knew about it. Her father was not very good to her growing up. He tried to actively burn her multiple times. And when I mean burn I mean set her on fire. My Great Grandmother finally had to send her to live with my Aunt for quite a long time. Divorce was not something done in those days.
But... we for the most part patched things up. Or rather I accepted her for who she was. I got the whole picture of her life. I cherish that we were able to say I love you one last time. Just like the day my Grandfather died. He had just dropped me off at school. We said I love you to each other and I went inside. An hour later he was gone.
Between these 3 people... there was probably enough medication to float a small army for an entire year.
Now... if you think it's a good idea to keep living like they did... Well first off they didn't know better. Different Generation altogether. For any of you who are reading this... you're on the Internet. No excuse. Obviously Disabled folks have a different set of circumstances. Trust me... I know plenty.
I want you to think about spending the last ten years of your life in a nursing home. Or bed ridden at your children's home. Or Hospice nurses becoming the people where you find your last couple of friends to talk to.
My Bf's Grandfather I took care of for the last 4 years of his life. Oh he stayed thin. But he let his body atrophy so badly... putting him on the toilet by myself was a nightmare. 3-5 times a day. And I had to put him to bed... get him out of bed. Now this was a small man. He was TINY. And yet... he to me weighed 400 pounds. Just to move him onto his side to clean him took 3 of us working together. And diaper changes were also a nightmare. And I've got tons of stories like this with my time as a Caregiver.
Medication costs alone will chew up your savings. Social Security may or may not be around. If it is... what you are left over with after medical costs won't be much. Depends on your career and what you make.
If you are lucky you might end up in a state run nursing home. Have fun being neglected. Have fun sitting in your own waste half the time. Have fun eating lousy meals. And have fun sitting by yourself 99% of the time because your family is working and out there living.... having to go on without you. Not all nursing homes are bad. But if you want to spin that wheel of nursing home roulette... by all means.
Or get your own personal Caregiver. My Grandmother and Great Grandmother did for 6 months. They had nearly everything of value stolen from them. And the Caregiver was putting sugar in my Diabetic Grandmothers meals and drinks. Stealing their money from their purses. Screwing with their medication dosages. Thank GOODNESS they were still with it enough to realize what was going on. I had to go with the police to rescue them. I took them and the possessions that I could fit in my car that they had left not stolen. My Great Grandmother was also threatened with being pushed into the pool too multiple times. I didn't know any of this was going on because their phone calls were being monitored. I was going to college at that time. My Grandparents refused to press charges. They were too scared.
When they were growing they would talk about how they would make their dolls from sticks and rocks. They were poor and lived on a farm in Maine. They learned to hand make their "dolls"clothes. You can only imagine the rage I had inside me as I had to pass this Caregiver back and forth and back forth as I collected their things while they waited for me in the car. It took everything I had not to thrown her into the wall. And beat her senseless. But... the police would have arrested ME not HER.
So... All those cool Star Wars collectibles and things you like... well hey... spin the Caregiver roulette wheel. You may have these things later in life. Maybe not. Including your LIFE. There's far less good Caregivers in the world and more bad ones. I was one of the good ones. To the point I would come home soaking wet and white as a sheet from the hard work it took managing and taking care of 12-15 patients every night. With only one person to help me. And I still had to do all of the dishes, their showers, their clothes, get them ready for bed, clean their rooms, fix their dentures... provide their entertainment... watch out for them because their minds were deteriorating... and take their punches, slaps, bites, struggling... because they don't know what they're doing. And on and on and on.. So possessions really mean nothing in the scheme of life. But when you take your final breath... don't you want a smile on your face? I know I do...
Or... have fun being taken care of by your family. You don't think you can hold your head up NOW. Just wait... If you have children... imagine them having to change your diapers for you. Or hospice being called in and having it done by a complete stranger. You want that life? Go right on ahead. I'm not gonna stop you. But I sure as hell don't want that life. My final years I imagine somewhere tropical... In a little condo...being able to at least walk up and down the beach. Doing a little window shopping... having a drink and talking to the locals and tourists. Keeping up with the younger folks and taking in concerts. Traveling. I live in a condo right now near the beach!!! It's paid for. Done. I own it. I'm 38 years awesome. I don't plan on staying in this particular location. But if I had to... here I am. I don't care if your 18 years awesome. You had better start setting aside money for your retirement with each paycheck you get. That 10.00 every paycheck adds up quite nicely...
And Tickling Gatherings... That's practically my top goal these days.
I can't wait to go. I hope I can attend hundreds of times!
And now... all I have to do is be mindful of what I eat and exercise. I go NUTS on the holidays. And when I party I PARTY. But when I am on track... daily life... I stay on track. Yes I eat chocolate a few times a week. The serving size. And I workout 3-4 hours a day. That's MY choice to put in this much effort. You will make your OWN choices.
If I scared you... I'm not sorry. In fact... if you're a little sick after eating and after reading this... GOOD. You cannot be dependent on food to give you those good feelings anymore.. that reward...that solice. That cookie you just ate is making you dependent. Think of what you just ate. Look at that empty plate or bag. You're reliant on a cookie or whatever it is you just ate for happiness or comfort. REALLY? Is THIS worth and equal to the sum total of your life? Is throwing away your happiness worth what was on that plate?! Only you can answer that question. Answer that question to yourself right NOW. Was that ----- worth it?
I just pulled a Clockwork Orange experience on you. But my entire story is true. And whether it turned your stomach or not is not the point. But I hope you understand what I'm trying to do here.
I see, saw and experienced the realities first hand. But don't beat yourself up too much. Because if I handed you the keys to an airplane and I said fly it... right now... could you?
Most of you would say no. If I can't expect you to fly a plane if you weren't taught... how I can expect you to diet and exercise if you weren't taught. So ease up on yourself. But from here on out... you can learn if you really want to. And you will never look back. Happiness takes effort too. We are not entitled to it. Not given it usually. We have to work for it. Just like anything else in life. And that's not a bad thing... that's a GOOD thing. It helps us give us character... strength... the ability to love ourselves. Andre The Giant is more than ready to sit on you... easy win. But wouldn't you rather find the strength within you to be ready to body slam him like Hulk Hogan did?
Now... let me show you with my next post how to not lose your mind... your money... or the fun. There is so much fun you can have with this!!!
Thank you for reading.
She got me to change my diet considerably and do a regular program of exercise, highlighted by walking briskly in Central Park, at least three times a week, 45 minutes each time.
