Divorce: How long it took you to heal

I will start off by saying I'm not actively looking for condolences or pity despite the emotional pain I am in. My wife has decided to divorce me after just two years of marriage. We have been together since December of 2010 and so this was the longest relationship I have been in up to now. While I am obviously in emotional turmoil over losing my wife and best friend, in what has sadly become an ugly separation, I know that things do get better with time and the wounds I feel will scar up and I'll be able to live my life and perhaps find other people who do actually love me with all of my flaws.

My question is how long did it take you to heal from divorce or a relationship of length and significance (whatever that means to you personally)?

When my Boyfriends brother went through his divorce we were looking up info to give him. And the best advice I found was:

For every year you were together... put a month down. So... say you were together for 4 years... for 4 months do not try to date. That would be a decent estimate as to the time frame you should at least give yourself to heal and avoid dating. And for his brother his time frame was about right with this estimate. I think he started to date though a bit early but considering he was cheated on... and she had been his only gf ever... even while he away in the Military... his time frame was ok. Everyone's different though.

There will come a day when you feel like... I want to go out... I feel GOOD. And can smile to yourself. No bad feelings towards her or life etc. There may be times that you fall back a bit and feel bad... but over time you'll feel better and better.

I have never been married. In March 1980, I became engaged to a woman that I had been going out with for about a year. We broke up in October 1980, seven months later. (Our plans had been to be married in June 1981, after she finished her Master of Arts degree at Columbia University.)

It took me more than two years to get over it. I was severely depressed. By the fall of 1982, I was back to normal life and dating again.

As can be seen from the replies already, your mileage may vary but I think it just needs to be emphasized that it will get better. My ex and I agreed to divorce shortly before our 10th Anniversary and at that point our marriage had effectively been over for about 3 years. While my state of mind at the time was more one of resignation it was still painful as I had hoped that we might still be able to work things out, undoubtedly rather naively. In the final analysis I think, for us, divorce was actually the best choice.

That said, it was about a year for me to be in a state of mind where I could be coaxed into dating -- something I didn't have much experience in to begin with, lol. Six months later I met a woman and we ended up dating for the next three years. That relationship ended this past January and I'm still processing through it. I'm figuring it will take me about six months to bounce back so we'll see I wish you the best.

I was married,separated and divorced within 12 months. I wanted to try more counseling, but in hindsight I think my ex was right to say that would have just delayed the inevitable. I was devastated, heartbroken, but we had been "together" dating and all less than two years. I did go to a 6 week, church based grief counseling class for divorced folks. The class taught the stages of grief and how we all must go through them, sometimes regressing and going through a stage a second time. Most everyone in the class had not wanted their marriage to end. The class stressed not coping with food,drugs,shopping excessively etc and to avoid rebound relationships for a year. Seeing people with marriages of 20+ years gone away let me know my situation could have been so much worse. It was about 18 months until I felt emotionally strong enough to test the dating waters. I am sorry for the loss to you and your SO. You will have to deal with the stages of grief, and try to find a counseling group, a good spin on "misery loves company" Again good luck to you on your journey as time will ultimately ease the pain.

I went through an incredibly painful divorce. She was a bi-polar who half-way through our union decided she was cured and defied taking any medication or regularly seeing a councilor. This is common for bi-polars and the pain of bi-polar husbands and wives is legendary; you can't pick who you fall in love with. For years she was the only person who truly loved me, who wanted me to be happy, who wanted to celebrate our lives together. That all flamed out in spectacular fashion after the meds stopped and she did the math that I was now her most-hated enemy in life (yep, this happens, the person who loved you suddenly hates you). Long story, short version, when I was travelling on the road for business she called me to say she was in another state visiting a friend from her online Minecraft server, that it was a guy and she planned to be with him and it was actually my fault for not fulfilling her (I drove her to it was the exact wording). There's a lot more but that's enough detail to paint the picture.

So with that context given, it took me about three years and I'm really not all the way back yet. I fell into a pretty deep hole, hit my head on every rung of the ladder on my way to rock bottom, and after much time I began to climb back out one fist full of dirt at a time. I'm still recovering but my mind, body, and soul are changing. I'm starting to embrace my passions again. Things I haven't felt for a long time are coming to the surface. My heart once again flutters (not in that heart attack kind of way) depending on what I see or experience. I'm starting to feel the need for companionship again and while I currently cannot foresee getting married, ever again, I would like someone in my life again if the right person came along.

It's going to take time for your heart to be ready to be vulnerable again. Don't rush this. It has to come naturally and it will come, be sure of that. There is no quota you have to meet in your recovery. When/if you choose to date again wait until you're comfortable. Also, feel free to be a little exacting in pursuing items of passion, including relationships. You've been through the fire and there's no timetable here so you can wait for someone that clicks with you, not someone willing to take you so you're suddenly back in the game. Don't be afraid to cry. It happens. At all costs do not keep all of your feelings to yourself to spin in your head. They're painful and I'd highly recommend a councilor to express them to. Friends and family make for good support but there really are some emotions better unleashed in session versus in your circle. Finally, be very good to yourself. You deserve it. There's nothing selfish in saying you're in it for you for a while. You are the priority and you've paid your dues to justify it.

If you ever just need to chat with someone who's been through the process feel free to message me through the TMF. I don't judge.

Many Blessings,
MidnightX

Well I had at least one break-up with a boyfriend "friend" during college years. There isn't too much emotional investment in it compared to a divorce with a significant other whom you have spent special intimate time with. But you see, a break-up hurts like you don't know where the pain is coming from. It just hurts your soul (if you have one, lol). But it passes by and heals well with time. Then you can smile after.

Bohemianne said:

It just hurts your soul (if you have one, lol).

Click to expand...

This sentence is gold! Thank you Bohy for bringing some laughter to an otherwise sad topic

Breakups, no matter if they are a divorce or the "mere" end of a relationship are never easy to deal with. Some, you even almost forget about them. I had a great deal of relationships when I was in my twenties; some were hard to recover from, others were easier.

But there is one category... Honestly, I don't know if you guys will agree, but sometimes it just does not heal at all. It stops bleeding, you don't think about it every day, but you don't really recover either. No matter what you are doing and how much time passes, you just cannot forget. It is still there, you still think about him/her, and just cannot let it go. You carry on with your life, but no matter who comes into it, there is this spot in your heart that is taken forever. A tiny spot, granted, but still painful/nostalgic when you touch it...

Out of a 10-year relationship about 18 months ago.....and I'm still not fully "back". Getting out and getting better though.....