Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
I usually come home drunk. However, a few days ago I was stopped by cops, so tonight I decided to take the bus. Big mistake... I'd never driven one before.
A baker pours boiling water down a rabbit hole. The result: hot cross buns.
I thought I was getting pastry; my mother served me venison instead. I completely misunderstood when she offered me "baked doe".
My foot fetish is so overwhelming, it's almost double strength. It's more like a feetish.
Patient: Doc! You gotta fix my right eye! All this involuntary blinking... the pain is killing me!
Doctor: Why would involuntary blinking cause you pain?
Patient: Every time I go the pharmacist and ask for aspirin, he gives me condoms!
One of my schoolmates regularly used to cut class. On the last occasion, he went out and hanged himself. Not such a tragedy... they were going suspend him anyway.
Daughter: Mom, how come my brother's named Barc?
Mother: Well, "Barc" is "crab" spelled backwards. And your father just loves crab!
Daughter: Thanks Mom!
Mother: You're welcome, Lana!
The Easter Bunny is forever hiding eggs. Guess I would too if I was messing with chickens.
Midwife for sale; free delivery.
My church accepts all denominations. $1.00 to $100.00, every bill is welcome!
I just saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks". So I tried... must say, I disagree.
Who invented copper wire?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
I thought I scored an A on my algebra test, but the teacher corrected that, changing it to an F. How degrading!
The military's Chemical Weapons division now makes use of acid. It's perfect for neutralizing an enemy's base.
My father gripes that I'm wasting my life playing video games. Fortunately I have three lives left.
It's brown... it's sticky. It's (what else?)... a stick!
I went to the wild animal park today. What a ripoff! All they had was a single little dog behind bars. I think it was a Shih Tzu.
This coffee has an earthy flavor. It should... it's fresh ground.
Dogs make terrible dancers. I've never seen one that didn't have two left feet.
My girlfriend won't kiss me unless I chew gum. She prefers me in mint condition.
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
Two rednecks are out hunting when they bag a moose. They grab it by the front legs and begin to haul it toward the pickup. When they've made it about half way, one of them moans, "Y'know, it might be easier if we dragged it by the back legs instead."
"Guess we kin try", mumbles his partner.
Fifteen minutes later, the first redneck says, "See? It is a lot easier to drag a moose by its back legs!"
"Maybe so," the second responds. "But look how much fu'ther we're gettin' from the truck!"
* * *
A baker pours boiling water down a rabbit hole. The result: hot cross buns.
* * *
I thought I was getting pastry; my mother served me venison instead. I completely misunderstood when she offered me "baked doe".
* * *
My foot fetish is so overwhelming, it's almost double strength. It's more like a feetish.
* * *
Patient: Doc! You gotta fix my right eye! All this involuntary blinking... the pain is killing me!
Doctor: Why would involuntary blinking cause you pain?
Patient: Every time I go the pharmacist and ask for aspirin, he gives me condoms!
* * *
One of my schoolmates regularly used to cut class. On the last occasion, he went out and hanged himself. Not such a tragedy... they were going suspend him anyway.
* * *
Daughter: Mom, how come my brother's named Barc?
Mother: Well, "Barc" is "crab" spelled backwards. And your father just loves crab!
Daughter: Thanks Mom!
Mother: You're welcome, Lana!
* * *
The Easter Bunny is forever hiding eggs. Guess I would too if I was messing with chickens.
* * *
Midwife for sale; free delivery.
* * *
My church accepts all denominations. $1.00 to $100.00, every bill is welcome!
* * *
I just saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks". So I tried... must say, I disagree.
* * *
Who invented copper wire?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
* * *
I thought I scored an A on my algebra test, but the teacher corrected that, changing it to an F. How degrading!
* * *
The military's Chemical Weapons division now makes use of acid. It's perfect for neutralizing an enemy's base.
* * *
My father gripes that I'm wasting my life playing video games. Fortunately I have three lives left.
* * *
It's brown... it's sticky. It's (what else?)... a stick!
* * *
I went to the wild animal park today. What a ripoff! All they had was a single little dog behind bars. I think it was a Shih Tzu.
* * *
This coffee has an earthy flavor. It should... it's fresh ground.
* * *
Dogs make terrible dancers. I've never seen one that didn't have two left feet.
* * *
My girlfriend won't kiss me unless I chew gum. She prefers me in mint condition.
* * *
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
* * *
Two rednecks are out hunting when they bag a moose. They grab it by the front legs and begin to haul it toward the pickup. When they've made it about half way, one of them moans, "Y'know, it might be easier if we dragged it by the back legs instead."
"Guess we kin try", mumbles his partner.
Fifteen minutes later, the first redneck says, "See? It is a lot easier to drag a moose by its back legs!"
"Maybe so," the second responds. "But look how much fu'ther we're gettin' from the truck!"
