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I've been outed

Matheu

TMF Poster
Joined
Aug 15, 2015
Messages
82
Points
6
Hey all,

I'm a very anxious person and I overthink everything. I'm very private when it comes to my sex life, which is easy because I don't have one, but my love of tickling is super secret amongst my friends, even those very open about there fetishs and turn on's.

I've managed to maintain a very healthy friendly relationships with one of my ex's, I meet him tonight for a drink with a guy he is seeing. Whilst talking I mentioned I'd put on a little weigh. The guy he was dating was sat next to me and turned and put his hand on my stomach and said there's nothing on me before placing his other hand in me and deliberately tickled me. I'm quite good at containing myself in a situation like that mostly because I felt super awkward.

When he went to the bar my ex said "sorry I told him you were in to tickling, I think he wanted to see if he could get a reaction". Using a few choice words I asked why he felt it was ok for him to tell people and he said "I didn't think it was an issue, I've told loads of people I work with and my housemate knows". I socialise with all these people frequently and I feel totally exposed and awkward around them now.

To make matters worse his housemate sent him a message whilst we were out that was a meme that has a woman having her feet tickled in stocks with the caption "tag someone who would die" and said show Matt. I wasn't amused.

Am I over reacting. I feel so embarrassed and angry he would share that about me so willy-nilly when I don't tell my own friends. Has this happened to anyone else?
 
Man that's tough. Sorry that happened to you. You're right, it's not acceptable for him to just share that about you to people. There are certain things that we are meant to keep private, and I'm sure your ex has his, and you haven't shared.

One of my friends has found out indirectly but things aren't any different between us. Those who are worth being in your life accept everything about you, even the parts that are "weird" to them or what they have difficulty understanding.
 
No, you're not overreacting; this was a violation, and you have every right to be angry.

I've had it happen to me before (very nasty ex), usually, people forget about it and go on with their lives.
 
Well, it was definitely a violation of the "don't kiss and tell" etiquette any good ex is expected to uphold, but there's a bright side to this too: None of what you've said makes it seem like people are reacting negatively to the revelation.
 
Thanks for your feedback on the matter guys. I'm sure he didn't mean it maliciously but I find it so uncomfortable now. It feels like between them it's been treat as a trivial joke we're it's actually quite a big part of my life.

Tickling is the only thing that gives me sexual gratification, which I guess is odd from a vanilla perspective. But it's not something I would share with them and, myself, still haven't.
 
Well on one hand that is kind of harassment and humiliation. Enough time will pass by, they will all forget about it, move on with their life and won't care about it.

Keep in mind; this isn't like you're a pedophile and now everyone knows. That would be a serious issue. This is just an unusual fetish. So ultimately, who gives a shit?
 
Well on one hand that is kind of harassment and humiliation. Enough time will pass by, they will all forget about it, move on with their life and won't care about it.

Keep in mind; this isn't like you're a pedophile and now everyone knows. That would be a serious issue. This is just an unusual fetish. So ultimately, who gives a shit?

Well, initially, it's a shock, and you feel like everyone knows, but eventually you learn most people have the attention span of a goldfish, and they forget.
 
Brazen it out if someone brings it up.

For instance say something like: "................. yeah I'm into loads of weird stuff much worse than that, but when I try to suggest doing things to other people they usually run a mile"
 
Brazen it out if someone brings it up.

For instance say something like: "................. yeah I'm into loads of weird stuff much worse than that, but when I try to suggest doing things to other people they usually run a mile"

I agree with this. While someone absolutely violated your privacy, the best thing to do is to own it if someone brings it up to you. Someone says "you're into tickling?" try responding "love it!"

Then turn it on them and ask them what they're into. Act confident even if you don't feel it.

May the force be with you.
 
You have every right to feel angry. Sometimes people just don't get it and need a reminder. I remember a past girlfriend who, when we were kidding around in a group of couples, said something to me like, "well at least I don't get turned on when I'm tickled." I was mortified but just ignored it. Later, when we were alone, I asked her how would she feel if I had made a joke in a room of people about something specific she liked (which was much more vanilla). She immediately apologized. I didn't hold a grudge because she made an honest mistake.

But this guy told his new bf that you are into something sexually, the bf decided to see if he could get a reaction out of you by doing it, they traded memes about it, and your ex acts like its no big deal to share this with others? You said you don't think he is malicious but also said he made you feel like you were a trivial joke.

My advice is don't associate with your ex anymore. He doesn't seem healthy for you. Maybe someday he will get a clue but he doesn't seem to be a considerate person now.
 
You are not overreacting in the slightest, what he did was an act against your trust of him (truth be told I never had an issue about coming out with a tickling fetish ) before you make any actions towards your relationship with your ex, sit down and talk to him then make your actions
 
I feel you bro, I was similarly ousted by a "friend". But he probably didn't mean any more harm then my friend did. I think its generally accepted that we all have kinks and if you don't you're probably lying. As the fetishes go, tickling really isn't that weird. That's why it doesn't even seem to bother my friend group. Actually once, I really fucking pissed off an ex and she called me a psychopath among other trump-biuld-the-wall-great things but I was surprised that my (insanely weird in my own mind) kink didn't come up as a means of demeaning me. I actually asked her later why she didn't use that against me and she just said she thought it wouldn't bother me. It's all good in the hood bro, I promise you they aint thinkin twice <3
 
I did some pretty dumb shit when I was 15 years old, and my entire immediately family learned all about this fetish. They saw the websites (ticklingparadise), found out about the DVD's you could order, saw clips and everything. It sucks. And every now and then, my dad will make subtle references to it because he can be a jerk. But it is what it is, it's what I like, and I really don't care what they think about it. And I seriously doubt this fetish ever crosses their mind.

The fact that my brother loves Insane Clown Posse and is into any music or movies that involve dead people, murder, torture, etc; that is a lot weirder to me than getting turned on by watching hot women get tickled.

I had a bi-sexual roommate that loved to urinate everywhere and walk around the apartment naked. I caught him pissing in so many peoples kitchen and bathroom sinks; instead of actually using the toilet.

I've even opened up to a few ex-girlfriends about this fetish; they still respected me, we played some tickle games, but ultimately they didn't really care.

I think everyone is into unusual stuff. Like my ex-girlfriend loved being choked during sex. Apparently it increased the sensitivity of her orgasms.

This fetish is actually kind of lame compared to some other kinks that are out there (being burned, pissed on, etc). I don't think about those kinks at all because I don't care about them.

Unless it's something that they are interested in; most people just go about their lives and never think about anything that isn't relevant to something that matters to them.
 
No, you're not overreacting and have every right to be pissed. It's not even like he just told one person either, but a bunch. I echo the sentiment of eliminating this toxic crowd from your life and make no apologies for it. That probably sounds extreme, but I don't tolerate outing under any circumstances. I once had a woman that I played with out her tickling activities with me to her roommate, who was frequently out of town and hardly there to begin with since they were both med students. This person didn't need to know and was still told, for some reason. Although her roomie didn't judge, I didn't feel comfortable anymore once she informed me that he knew. After some thought, I informed her that I wouldn't be seeing her again since she had violated discretion. At least she was apologetic, but it didn't change my mind.
 
You have the right to be mad, but expressing that may backfire as folk realize they can get a rise out of you or that you are ashamed of it.

All you can do now is act like it doesnt phase you and move on, or if you think it's worth it, make a stink and explain how you feel.

TBH, the fact that the only one who thought it was a big deal was you should be a positive sign that maybe you have no reason to be embarrassed and might even help you find females willing to try it.
 
How you're feeling is how I would react as well, so no your not overreacting. People must respect a person's boundaries and not just go around telling every little thing about someone.
 
You aren't overreacting. That was a personal thing you told the guy and it wasn't place to tell anyone, especially if you know them well.

I will say that it doesn't seem like the people he told seem to care, so take some comfort in that. It doesn't sound like they find it weird or have a problem with it.

As for the guy that told them, you'll have to decide if he was doing it to be a jerk or not. If he wasn't being a jerk, that doesn't make it okay but then you can decide if you want to remain close with him or not. Either way I'd just not confide in him any more. Even if he didn't mean it to be mean and was just gossiping, it's still wrong and shows he doesn't know some things are off limits when talking about someone else.
 
I agree with this. While someone absolutely violated your privacy, the best thing to do is to own it if someone brings it up to you. Someone says "you're into tickling?" try responding "love it!"

Then turn it on them and ask them what they're into. Act confident even if you don't feel it.

May the force be with you.

Yes exactly, great advice.
 
No you are not overreacting. Just like anything else you might want to keep as a secret, the person who said it had no right to spread the word.

Nevertheless, it didn't seem to cause a negative reaction among those people. I know dealing with stuff like that when suffering from anxiety can be tough, but following the advice of a several peeps below, just try to "laugh it off"

- Oh so you like tickling?
- Sure thing, you don't?

And stuff like that. The less importance you give to it, the less people would care; if they see you get nervous or anxious about it, most will people try to investigate if there is something wrong. So if there's nothing wrong with it just be cool about it!

Calling him out on that was also a good move, letting them know you did not approve him telling anyone else. Just let them know you did not appreciate that and move on to the next topic.

Good luck!

Rm
 
Ive been outed before by my friend trying to score points with a girl. I was furious since there was a group of us, I just replied with there are far worse things to be into, which everyone agrees with and moved on from it. I was furious inside though and told my friend in private when he was sober that it was a dick move to use something I told him in confidence like that.

It's all about not making a big deal out of it, I've been fortunate that the people who know about my love of tickling either didn't care or were fascinated by it, they usually always said that they didn't find it weird either.

This new partner of your ex sounds like he was being a dick because you are the ex and it probably made him feel better to belittle you, better off steering clear of them mate you'll be better for it
 
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