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Friday night nyuks (7-7-17).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,904
Points
38
I'm going on a sex tour of our 50th state. I hear it's a great place to get lei'd.

* * *​

When cycling, don't wear a crash helmet. Wear a Stormtrooper helmet instead... it's the best way to avoid hitting anything.

* * *​

After a bad accident during my Italian vacation, I had four blood transfusions in a Roman hospital. IV saved my life.

* * *​

Job interviewer: "Your résumé is satisfactory except for this 4 year gap. What happened back then?"

Interviewee: "Oh. That is when I went to Yale."

Interviewer: "Congratulations! You're hired!"

Interviewee: "Goodie goodie! I got the Yob!"

* * *​

My child's too young for kindergarten and preschool won't accept him. Perhaps I should put him in the infantry.

* * *​

In retrospect, it's not surprising that Frenchmen gave the US the Statue of Liberty. They had no use for a human figure with only one arm raised.

* * *​

In North Korean courts, defendants are often wrongly convicted. It's a system of trial and error.

* * *​

I'm breaking my usual sex routine to take a breather. Practicing necrophilia can be tough.

* * *​

Before the election, Donald Trump was visited by Satan.

"Sign this contract," the devil sneered, "and you will become President of the United States! But consider carefully... your penis will also be three inches long."

"Wow!" cried Trump. "Are there any side effects?"

* * *​

My grandparents have become too old to drive their car anymore. These days they just tow it behind their motor home.

* * *​

Auto manufacturers have developed a car that runs on water. Only catch: the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

* * *​

I went to my first Fight Club last night! Got there a little late and missed the rules, but it didn't take long to figure things out! What a great time! Tell your friends!

* * *​

It's been speculated that Catholic priests first started the tradition of the Christmas tree. In both cases, the balls are strictly ornamental.

* * *​

I don't have the number for Anger Management anymore; unfortunately I lost it.

* * *​

"3D printers are amazing! You can create anything with them! I even used mine to make a working pistol!"

"Doesn't impress me. I've had a Canon printer for years."

* * *​

Muhammad Ali would sometimes burn his hands during bouts. It happened when he punched George Foreman's grill.

* * *​

My dad died during an explosion at the US Mint. He was nickeled and dimed to death.

* * *​

A wife buys some crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her sex life. That night, she boldly poses spread-legged and says to hubby, "Hey, big boy! Want some a' this?"

"I don't think so," replies her husband warily. "Look what it's done to your underwear."

* * *​

The city's making me get rid of all my pet lions and they won't even wait till summer's over! It's the pride that goeth before a fall.

* * *​

In the year 3000, NASA colonized the planet Mars. Mars was tolerant at first, but eventually summoned up a huge sandstorm which wiped out the colony to the very last astronaut.

Earth stared coldly at Mars from across space.

"Look how evil you've become!" Earth raged. "You've lost every scrap of humanity!"

* * *​

I'm trying to take high-res photos of my wheat field. So far, no luck... they're awfully grainy.

* * *​

"Hitler once said, 'I plan to kill 6 million Jews and one clown.' "

"A clown? Really? So... did he kill one?"

"He shot himself, didn't he?"
 
LOL :p
Very funny collection. :D
Another math pun is my favorite:
After a bad accident during my Italian vacation, I had four blood transfusions in a Roman hospital. IV saved my life.
 
Thanks Milagros! Very glad you enjoyed! I'll stay sharp for further math-based humor... wanna keep the counting coming!
 
In retrospect, it's not surprising that Frenchmen gave the US the Statue of Liberty. They had no use for a human figure with only one arm raised.

My grandparents have become too old to drive their car anymore. These days they just tow it behind their motor home.

:laughhard:
 
Thank you Bugman! Intriguing choices! The motor home joke really hits home for me!
 
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