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Friday night nyuks (8-11-17).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
You can turn any object into a pillow. Just put your mind to it.

* * *​

I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the top of a 20 story building. It didn't break, though... fortunately it was in airplane mode.

* * *​

A hotel guest calls the desk manager.

"My wife and I just had a terrible fight," he moans, "and she's threatening to jump out the window!"

"Sorry, sir," the manager replies. "The owners won't allow us to become involved in personal matters."

"This isn't a personal matter!" the man fumes. "I'm calling for maintenance. The damn thing won't open!"

* * *​

They say condoms provide safety. What a laugh! My buddy was wearing one and suffocated to death!

* * *​

My doctor tells me I absolutely mustn't drink anymore. Which is fine... I'll be satisfied with the same amount.

* * *​

Lieutenant: "Private, I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"

Private: "Happy to hear it worked, sir!"

* * *​

North Korea has finally developed a missile that can hit New York. Which means no target on Earth is safe; if they can make it there, they'll make it anywhere.

* * *​

While on the road, I regularly mail my wife a big box of chocolates. She's finally getting tired of it, though... she's come to resent my candy sending attitude.

* * *​

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. But when I got home, they were still there.

* * *​

Eve doomed the entire human race to suffering and death, and all for an apple! Makes you wonder what she'd do for a Klondike Bar.

* * *​

My brother deals with nothing but assholes at work. His fault; he's the one who decided to become a proctologist.

* * *​

Helen Keller once contemplated murder, but soon changed her mind. A good thing; it would have been a senseless crime.

* * *​

A restaurant downtown says they'll serve breakfast anytime. However, I can't get them to bring anything at all during the Renaissance.

* * *​

Why did the velociraptor cross the road?

The chicken hadn't evolved yet.

* * *​

Yeah, I'm a chick magnet! Unfortunately I'm also the wrong polarity.

* * *​

Hickory Dickory Dock is still popular after all these years. It's a timely song.

* * *​

My wife got really angry last time I held the door for her. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to try that with a revolving door.

* * *​

Kim Jong Un plans to end global warming. I don't think, however, that Nuclear Winter is a viable solution.

* * *​

I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially not, since I'd walked there.

* * *​

A spirit medium damaged one of her all-seeing eyes. It's ruined her death perception.

* * *​

I once thanked a French guy so profusely, he expired. It was a merci killing.

* * *​

A pregnant woman yells out in pain during a tough delivery.

Husband: "What's the problem, sweetie? You're screaming!"

Wife: "What's the problem?! These damned contractions are killing me!"

Husband: "Oh, sorry. Let me try again: what is the problem, sweetie? You are screaming!"
 
Last edited:
LOL :p
Great collection!
My favorite:
A hotel guest calls the desk manager.

"My wife and I just had a terrible fight," he moans, "and she's threatening to jump out the window!"

"Sorry, sir," the manager replies. "The owners won't allow us to become involved in personal matters."

"This isn't a personal matter!" the man fumes. "I'm calling for maintenance. The damn thing won't open!"
 
Thank you Milagros! Fine choice! If only all life's problems were so easy to address!
 
Lieutenant: "Private, I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"

Private: "Happy to hear it worked, sir!"

Beetle Bailey would be proud of this lad, too.
 
Agreed! Our military is obviously in very good hands!

Thanks Rdhd!
 
A hotel guest calls the desk manager.

"My wife and I just had a terrible fight," he moans, "and she's threatening to jump out the window!"

"Sorry, sir," the manager replies. "The owners won't allow us to become involved in personal matters."

"This isn't a personal matter!" the man fumes. "I'm calling for maintenance. The damn thing won't open!"

My doctor tells me I absolutely mustn't drink anymore. Which is fine... I'll be satisfied with the same amount.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. But when I got home, they were still there.

Yeah, I'm a chick magnet! Unfortunately I'm also the wrong polarity.

I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially not, since I'd walked there.

:laughhard:

Great week Low_Roads! :D
 
Very kind of you, Bugman! Thanks very much! A fine selection of favorites this week! Somehow I figured you'd favor the vasectomy joke!
 
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