Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
The Smurfs' main enemy is an evil wizard who threatens them with circumcision. I believe his name is Gargamohel.
Mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So how come she's all upset now that I've become an alcoholic?
Jimmy Carter has moved to Florida so he can more easily construct shelters for large aquatic mammals. If you want to help him, seek out Habitat For Huge Manatee.
Teacher: "Johnny, if I give you two puppies and your best friend gives you two puppies, how many puppies do you have all together?"
Johnny: "Five puppies."
Teacher: "Five puppies? Don't you mean four puppies?"
Johnny: "Nope, five. I have a puppy at home already."
My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.
Why did the double agent cross the road?
It's an illusion ... he was never really on your side.
I have an inferiority complex. All my tenants are losers.
Mario phones the veterinarian.
Mario: "Doctor, my sheep! They no make'a babies!"
Vet: "Are the rams fertile?"
Mario: "Why'a sure!"
Vet: "Then it's a ewe problem."
Mario: "Thanks'a for nothing, wise guy!"
It comes out of a dog; a man steps into it:
Pants.
"Hey waiter! This duck should be dead! But I think it's faking! I saw it open its eyes real quick, then shut them again!"
"That's to be expected, sir. You did order Peking Duck."
You become an entirely different person once you find out you're going to have a child. Consider how much I changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... my name, my address, my email account...
A nun is escorting a visitor through the church cemetery, when a vampire leaps from behind one of the headstones to bar their path.
"Show him your cross!" screams the man in alarm. "For God's sake, show him your cross!"
"You pointy-toothed, undead jerk!" the nun storms. "Let me tell you what I really think of you!"
It looked bad for the accused until he started masterbating in the courtroom. That's when he got off on a technicality.
I managed to break up a fight between two blind men. All I did was yell "Five bucks on the guy with the knife!", and they both ran away!
"Mommy, may I lick the bowl?"
"No, sweetie. Flush, same way everyone else does."
Panama and Iceland are a lot like the Venus de Milo: no armies.
Our town baker keeps details of his his dough preparation mostly secret. His workers are exempt of course, but information is dispensed on a know-to-knead basis.
Interesting fact: if you lay a person's small intestine in a straight line and measure it carefully...
... that person's likely going to die.
The letter C feels isolated and terrified. That's because the surrounding letters are not Cs.
My dad was a successful carpenter, even though he was blind. Every morning, as soon as he entered his shop, he picked up his hammer and saw.
My brother worked for my dad in his carpentry shop, repairing wagon wheels. Though mute, he was quite eloquent; every morning, first thing, he handled a hub and spoke.
Brunette mom: "Children can drive you crazy! I found a pack of cigarettes underneath my daughter's bed. I didn't even know she smoked!"
Redhead mom: "Well, I found a whisky bottle underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she drank!"
Blonde mom: "And I found a package of condoms underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she had a dick!"
* * *
Mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So how come she's all upset now that I've become an alcoholic?
* * *
Jimmy Carter has moved to Florida so he can more easily construct shelters for large aquatic mammals. If you want to help him, seek out Habitat For Huge Manatee.
* * *
Teacher: "Johnny, if I give you two puppies and your best friend gives you two puppies, how many puppies do you have all together?"
Johnny: "Five puppies."
Teacher: "Five puppies? Don't you mean four puppies?"
Johnny: "Nope, five. I have a puppy at home already."
* * *
My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.
* * *
Why did the double agent cross the road?
It's an illusion ... he was never really on your side.
* * *
I have an inferiority complex. All my tenants are losers.
* * *
Mario phones the veterinarian.
Mario: "Doctor, my sheep! They no make'a babies!"
Vet: "Are the rams fertile?"
Mario: "Why'a sure!"
Vet: "Then it's a ewe problem."
Mario: "Thanks'a for nothing, wise guy!"
* * *
It comes out of a dog; a man steps into it:
Pants.
* * *
"Hey waiter! This duck should be dead! But I think it's faking! I saw it open its eyes real quick, then shut them again!"
"That's to be expected, sir. You did order Peking Duck."
* * *
You become an entirely different person once you find out you're going to have a child. Consider how much I changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... my name, my address, my email account...
* * *
A nun is escorting a visitor through the church cemetery, when a vampire leaps from behind one of the headstones to bar their path.
"Show him your cross!" screams the man in alarm. "For God's sake, show him your cross!"
"You pointy-toothed, undead jerk!" the nun storms. "Let me tell you what I really think of you!"
* * *
It looked bad for the accused until he started masterbating in the courtroom. That's when he got off on a technicality.
* * *
I managed to break up a fight between two blind men. All I did was yell "Five bucks on the guy with the knife!", and they both ran away!
* * *
"Mommy, may I lick the bowl?"
"No, sweetie. Flush, same way everyone else does."
* * *
Panama and Iceland are a lot like the Venus de Milo: no armies.
* * *
Our town baker keeps details of his his dough preparation mostly secret. His workers are exempt of course, but information is dispensed on a know-to-knead basis.
* * *
Interesting fact: if you lay a person's small intestine in a straight line and measure it carefully...
... that person's likely going to die.
* * *
The letter C feels isolated and terrified. That's because the surrounding letters are not Cs.
* * *
My dad was a successful carpenter, even though he was blind. Every morning, as soon as he entered his shop, he picked up his hammer and saw.
* * *
My brother worked for my dad in his carpentry shop, repairing wagon wheels. Though mute, he was quite eloquent; every morning, first thing, he handled a hub and spoke.
* * *
Brunette mom: "Children can drive you crazy! I found a pack of cigarettes underneath my daughter's bed. I didn't even know she smoked!"
Redhead mom: "Well, I found a whisky bottle underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she drank!"
Blonde mom: "And I found a package of condoms underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she had a dick!"
