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Friday night nyuks (9-22-17).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
It was a nightmare situation! There I was on horseback, being chased by a lion! And up ahead I saw a bear! To top things off, I kept hearing threatening voices:

"Damn drunk! Get off the carousel!"

* * *​

What do you call a man who's lost both his arms and both his eyes?

Better call him a doctor.

* * *​

I get most of my gossip from catsup bottles. It's a most reliable sauce.

* * *​

The Soviet Union employed many snipers during World War II. It was famous for its Marxmen.

* * *​

The hotel I just stayed at provided turndown service. The maid wouldn't go out with me no matter how hard I begged.

* * *​

Cheetahs have to run fast because they're incapable of hiding. That's the penalty for always being spotted.

* * *​

My blonde girlfriend would like to abolish the decimal system. She says it's untenable.

* * *​

Lately I've spent hour after hour staring at seaweed. My friends all advised me to see kelp.

* * *​

How can you tell the clown Pennywise from "It" isn't lactose intolerant?

He eats a lot of Derry.

* * *​

My mathematician friend has opened up a bakery. He doesn't seem to have the hang of it yet... the pie are squared.

* * *​

"As a vegan, I see a man who sells meat as gross."

"As a meat eater, I see a man who sells vegetables as grocer."

* * *​

Revisionist history places Superman's birthplace is South Africa. I hear he comes from Cape Town.

* * *​

A teenage boy and his girlfriend are making out on the couch.

"Wanna take this upstairs?" she coos.

"Wow!" the boy cries. "You bet!"

"Fine," the girl replies. "But watch your back. It's awfully heavy."

* * *​

I'm pleased to report that the black rhino is no longer endangered. That's because it's now extinct.

* * *​

Moses was way ahead of his time. He had the first tablet connected to the Cloud.

* * *​

Campus police have received a report of pernicious vandalism: a peep hole strategically drilled into the girls' shower room. They're currently looking into it.

* * *​

I had a lovely dream last night... one in which I bobbed gently up and down in the ocean. Isn't that swell?

* * *​

I refused to participate in Talk Like a Pirate Day... had no interest in learning to speak Somali.

* * *​

Orion's Belt is the most worthless constellation in the sky. It's a huge waist of space.

* * *​

I'm in charge of hiring for our company. First thing I do when I get a stack of resumes is randomly throw out half of them; that weeds out the candidates with bad luck.

* * *​

Hear about the Indian cooking show which focuses on flatbread? Not too popular... it's a naan event.

* * *​

A woman badly burns her breasts while sunbathing in the nude. To help ease the pain, her doctor recommends that she soak them in milk.

Her dumb jock brother pays a visit and happens to see her dunking her tits into a bowl of grade-A.

"Well I'll be darned!" he quips. "I never before knew how you re-loaded those things!"
 
dang it lowroads - I can't even pick a favorite from that line-up! A good Johnny Carson monologue..... (well, ya gotta be up on puns for some of them).
 
Thanks a lot, Rdhd! The feeling of a standup routine is sorta what I'm after, what with all the short jokes strung together. Glad that comes across! As always, most grateful for your spirited, insightful reply!
 
Last edited:
The hotel I just stayed at provided turndown service. The maid wouldn't go out with me no matter how hard I begged.

Campus police have received a report of pernicious vandalism: a peep hole strategically drilled into the girls' shower room. They're currently looking into it.

I refused to participate in Talk Like a Pirate Day... had no interest in learning to speak Somali.

I'm in charge of hiring for our company. First thing I do when I get a stack of resumes is randomly throw out half of them; that weeds out the candidates with bad luck.

:laughhard:
 
Thanks, Bugman! Nice choices! I too am very fond of the resume joke!
 
Bugman, now that you mention it.....
 
LOL :p
Great collection as usual. :D
My favorite:
My mathematician friend has opened up a bakery. He doesn't seem to have the hang of it yet... the pie are squared.
 
Thank you, Milagros! :D I thought that one might appeal to you!
 
I was gonna say the same..... pi are squared, right?
 
Yeah. Even elementary math stuff like this is beyond me. I'm much more comfortable with pastry! :hungry:
 
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