Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,913
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]This morning I saw a homeless mother begging for change.
“Here,” I said, handing her five dollars. “For your children.”
“Great!” she replied enthusiastically. “I’ll deliver ‘em this afternoon!”
Women tend to find pirates sexy. Well, I do understand that most of them were well hung.
The bears at our local park suffer from an odd deformity: all of them have lost their ears. They’re just “B”s now.
I needed a password and the instructions said it had to be 8 characters long. I decided to go with Snow White and the 7 dwarves.
I tried changing my password to “beefstew”, but the website warned it wasn’t Stroganoff.
Donald Trump toured a zoo recently. One of the enclosures promised African herd animals, but had accidentally been stocked with American bison instead. The President bristled when he saw this.
“Fake gnus!” he hollered. “Fake gnus!”
If you really like cake, here’s a tip: cut it in half, then eat one of the halves. The next night, cut the remaining half in half and eat that. Repeat night after night after night; theoretically, you can keep it up forever! You can halve your cake and eat it too!
I killed my neighbor to get his Chinese food. It was wonton murder.
The difference between a lightbulb and your pregnant girlfriend?... one of them you can unscrew.
A rooster decided to become a gay prostitute. He may well be successful; he’s a cock a dude’ll do.
Why was Picard the best possible replacement captain for the Starship Enterprise?
He could baldly go where no man has gone before.
I was almost run over by a 90 year old driver. Fortunately, I was able to leap into the street just in time.
Most school problems can make you numb. Math problems will make you number.
Three female spies are caught in a foreign country and lined up against a wall for execution.
“This land is famous for its natural disasters,” whispers the brunette. “We can use that as a distraction to get away.”
To prove her point, she bellows “Hurricane!” at the top of her lungs. All the riflemen dash into the cantina for cover, and the brunette escapes.
The soldiers soon discover their mistake. They assemble again and aim their guns, when the redhead hollers “Earthquake!”. The squad again dashes inside to hide under tables. The redhead also escapes.
When the soldiers figure out they’ve been fooled twice, they’re super pissed. They take aim directly at the blonde’s heart.
She stares back at them confidently and shouts “Fire!”
My neighbor Asif came from Saudi Arabia to become an optometrist. He succeeded, but he really needs to change the name of his practice: Asif Eye Care.
“Son, it’s time for us to talk about sex.”
“Dad, I’m 30 years old! What questions do you think there could possibly be?”
“How do you get porn on this smart phone?”
Modern surgery is amazing! I was so relaxed in the operating room I nodded right off, no problem. It didn’t go so well for my patient, though.
Jesus said, “He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.” He was a carpenter who died by nails, so I guess he knew what he was talking about.
My brother has special acreage where he grows corn for Doritos. Cool ranch!
The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
I hear that girls are now being allowed into the Boy Scouts. I imagine they help pitch a lot of tents.
Son: “Dad, how come the sky is blue?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “Why do cats always land on their feet?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “Why does the Earth go around the sun?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “You don’t mind me asking all these questions, do you?”
Dad: “Of course not, son! You’ll never learn anything otherwise!”[/FONT]
“Here,” I said, handing her five dollars. “For your children.”
“Great!” she replied enthusiastically. “I’ll deliver ‘em this afternoon!”
* * *
Women tend to find pirates sexy. Well, I do understand that most of them were well hung.
* * *
The bears at our local park suffer from an odd deformity: all of them have lost their ears. They’re just “B”s now.
* * *
I needed a password and the instructions said it had to be 8 characters long. I decided to go with Snow White and the 7 dwarves.
* * *
I tried changing my password to “beefstew”, but the website warned it wasn’t Stroganoff.
* * *
Donald Trump toured a zoo recently. One of the enclosures promised African herd animals, but had accidentally been stocked with American bison instead. The President bristled when he saw this.
“Fake gnus!” he hollered. “Fake gnus!”
* * *
If you really like cake, here’s a tip: cut it in half, then eat one of the halves. The next night, cut the remaining half in half and eat that. Repeat night after night after night; theoretically, you can keep it up forever! You can halve your cake and eat it too!
* * *
I killed my neighbor to get his Chinese food. It was wonton murder.
* * *
The difference between a lightbulb and your pregnant girlfriend?... one of them you can unscrew.
* * *
A rooster decided to become a gay prostitute. He may well be successful; he’s a cock a dude’ll do.
* * *
Why was Picard the best possible replacement captain for the Starship Enterprise?
He could baldly go where no man has gone before.
* * *
I was almost run over by a 90 year old driver. Fortunately, I was able to leap into the street just in time.
* * *
Most school problems can make you numb. Math problems will make you number.
* * *
Three female spies are caught in a foreign country and lined up against a wall for execution.
“This land is famous for its natural disasters,” whispers the brunette. “We can use that as a distraction to get away.”
To prove her point, she bellows “Hurricane!” at the top of her lungs. All the riflemen dash into the cantina for cover, and the brunette escapes.
The soldiers soon discover their mistake. They assemble again and aim their guns, when the redhead hollers “Earthquake!”. The squad again dashes inside to hide under tables. The redhead also escapes.
When the soldiers figure out they’ve been fooled twice, they’re super pissed. They take aim directly at the blonde’s heart.
She stares back at them confidently and shouts “Fire!”
* * *
My neighbor Asif came from Saudi Arabia to become an optometrist. He succeeded, but he really needs to change the name of his practice: Asif Eye Care.
* * *
“Son, it’s time for us to talk about sex.”
“Dad, I’m 30 years old! What questions do you think there could possibly be?”
“How do you get porn on this smart phone?”
* * *
Modern surgery is amazing! I was so relaxed in the operating room I nodded right off, no problem. It didn’t go so well for my patient, though.
* * *
Jesus said, “He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.” He was a carpenter who died by nails, so I guess he knew what he was talking about.
* * *
My brother has special acreage where he grows corn for Doritos. Cool ranch!
* * *
The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
* * *
I hear that girls are now being allowed into the Boy Scouts. I imagine they help pitch a lot of tents.
* * *
Son: “Dad, how come the sky is blue?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “Why do cats always land on their feet?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “Why does the Earth go around the sun?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Son: “You don’t mind me asking all these questions, do you?”
Dad: “Of course not, son! You’ll never learn anything otherwise!”[/FONT]
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