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Friday night nyuks (11-10-17).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Eating lobster can definitely improve your vision. It’s great see food.

* * *​

Sexual intercourse lasts 10 minutes, roughly. But you can extend that to half an hour if you’re more gentle.

* * *​

Capitalism looks good on paper. Really, examine a hundred dollar bill sometime!

* * *​

If you’re afraid of eating too much over the Christmas holiday, make sure to double the amount of rum in your eggnog. Enough booze will kill your fear of anything.

* * *​

Don’t pester the lower-case “t”. It’s already a little cross.

* * *​

The difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer? The skid marks in front of the snake.

* * *​

I saw a man choke to death once. ‘Course, for most people, once is enough.

* * *​

A child with an imaginary friend is normal.

An adult with an imaginary friend is odd.

A group with an imaginary friend is religion.

* * *​

The best known tribal leader in Saudi Arabia owns dairy cows. He’s a milk sheik.

* * *​

Nurse: “Wake up, sir. You’ve been in a serious accident and are suffering from temporary paralysis. You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Patient: “Okay. Can I feel your tits, then?”

* * *​

I often wonder what my folks did for entertainment before the internet. Neither me or my 12 brothers and sisters can figure it out.

* * *​

The dead man was found face down in a pool of his own blood. My blonde sister is convinced he drowned.

* * *​

I’ll be disabling my pop-up blocker tomorrow. That’s when my divorce becomes finalized.

* * *​

Cop: “Sir, is this a picture of your wife?”

Husband: “Why, yes. Yes it is,”

Cop: “I’m sorry to have to tell you, but it looks as though she was hit by a train.”

Husband: “Yeah, I know. But on the plus side, she’s a darned fine cook.”

* * *​

What do you do if a raging bear is inches from you, ready to tear you to pieces? How could you save yourself?

Press paws.

* * *​

Anytime you feel lonely, buy stock shares. It’s a guaranteed way to get a bit of company.

* * *​

How do you punish a felon charged with a battery?

Put him in a dry cell.

* * *​

It’s a good thing Elon Musk decided on SpaceX to fly to Mars. If he’d chosen SpaceY, it would have landed on a 14 year old boy.

* * *​

I don’t usually spend the evening out, but Open Mike Night sounded like fun. That’s until we arrived at the morgue...

* * *​

Cinderella arrives at the ball. She damn near chokes.

* * *​

No one knows how many homeless gays there are. They have no closet to come out of.

* * *​

Two Clinton supporters die and go to Heaven. When they meet with God, one of them asks, “Tell me, please! Why did you allow Trump to collude with the Russians and steal the election?”

God sighs wearily and replies, “There was no Russian collusion. Clinton lost because the public hated her even more than Trump. If only you’d nominated Sanders, he would have won it all.”

One of the men looks covertly to the other and whispers, “Yikes! This conspiracy goes even farther than we thought!”[/FONT]
 
Last edited:
LOL :p
Great collection as usual. :D
My favorite:
A child with an imaginary friend is normal.

An adult with an imaginary friend is odd.

A group with an imaginary friend is religion.
 
Thank you, Milagros! Glad you enjoyed that joke! My imaginary friend is glad, too!
 
If you’re afraid of eating too much over the Christmas holiday, make sure to double the amount of rum in your eggnog. Enough booze will kill your fear of anything.

The difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer? The skid marks in front of the snake.

Cop: “Sir, is this a picture of your wife?”

Husband: “Why, yes. Yes it is,”

Cop: “I’m sorry to have to tell you, but it looks as though she was hit by a train.”

Husband: “Yeah, I know. But on the plus side, she’s a darned fine cook.”

I don’t usually spend the evening out, but Open Mike Night sounded like fun. That’s until we arrived at the morgue...

:laughhard:
 
Thanks Bugman! Great choices! You’ve selected some of my own personal favorites, particularly that last!
 
It’s a good thing Elon Musk decided on SpaceX to fly to Mars. If he’d chosen SpaceY, it would have landed on a 14 year old boy.

:laughhard:
 
Ha ha! Thanks Sensualswitch! I hate to dump on Kevin Spacey, but I guess he had it coming.
 
Uh, Low_Roads, the last bit of that sentence.........
 
You'll be in front of Congress on Monday.... well, wait, aren't they on turkey break now? Ah, by the time they get back, .......
 
Holiday reprieve... time enough to start making escape plans!
 
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