Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,911
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The supernatural can be found in the most prosaic pastimes. Take me, for instance. I eat and sleep regularly... pair a’ normal activities.
Doctor: (examining x-rays) “Did you know that one of your arms is considerably shorter than the other?”
Patient: “Really? That certainly is funny.”
Doctor: “Funny? Well, it is a little humerus.”
My wife told me she needs more space. That’s why I locked her outside.
In olden times, plantation owners had to pay cash for their slaves. It was before the days of Master Charge.
Having a personal servant isn’t remotely the same thing as owning a slave. They’re hard to beat.
Shopper: “Any of these products contain artificial coloring or flavors?”
Clerk: “I’m proud to say that none of them do, sir!”
Shopper: “Damn. I’ll have to go somewhere else, then. I really enjoy colorful, tasty food.”
I got jumped by five gang members last night. My car started right up, but the leader warned that I might need a new battery.
Earthworms defy mathematics... divide them in half, and you double them.
I dunno what today’s teens are coming to. Last Sunday I saw one lighting up a joint during church services. It shocked me so much, I nearly dropped my whisky bottle.
CHP Officer: “Sir, you were going over 100 mph! Do you have any excuse for driving so fast?”
Driver: “I do, officer, a very good one: my girlfriend’s about to give birth!”
CHP Officer: “But I don’t see her anywhere in the car.”
Driver: “Of course not! I’m heading for the airport.”
My dad must have been famous back in the early 2000’s. They even made a movie about him: “Gone in 60 Seconds”.
Doctor: “I’m changing your wife’s medication. It seems to be the cause of her intense itchiness.”
Husband: “Hmmm... I’ve never before heard that word pronounced out loud. Didn’t know the ‘B’ was silent.”
I think our pastor is a shill for aerosol salad dressing. During sermons, he invariably mentions “lettuce spray”.
Spirit mediums have come up with a bizarre revelation: apparently when bees die and become ghosts, they’re no longer capable of making honey. Instead, they give milk... they’re now boo bees.
The sexually deviant Roman emperor Tiberius had a private zoo on his pleasure island of Capri. One day, a dealer in exotic animal specimens presented himself.
Tiberius: “And what new, different creatures can you offer me today, dealer?”
Dealer: “Sire, how would you like to see a sloth bear?”
Tiberius: “Sounds like fun! Give me a minute to disrobe!”
After years of medical training, a friend of mine ruined his career with a small indiscretion... apparently he slept with one of his patients. It was bad judgement, but a shame all the same; he really was a brilliant veterinarian.
Dyslexic criminals habitually smoke marijuana. They understand it to be a getaway drug.
I steer well clear of the Red Light district. Never been buy-sexual.
Museum visitor: “Say, mister... can you give me some idea how far back these dinosaur bones go?”
Museum guard: “Yep. These bones here are 65,000,029 years, 201 days old.”
Visitor: “Wow, that’s really precise dating! How can you possibly be so exact?”
Guard: “Well, they were 65,000,000 million years old when I started working here. But I’m getting durned close to retirement age.”
Ever wonder about the gangsta tendency to hold pistols sideways? It’s not being pretentious; that’s just the way they come out of the box.
Three women are driving through the desert when they have a breakdown. They’re still three days from the nearest town, so they decide to salvage useful parts of their car for survival.
“I’ll take the radiator,” says the brunette. “We can drink the water along the way.”
“I’ll take the roof,” says the redhead. “We can use it for shade.”
“And I’ll take the door,” says the blonde. “If it gets too hot, we can always roll down the window.”
I customarily end my posts with a dour-expression emoticon : ( . Must annoy people... they keep telling me to turn that frown upside down. So I did; not entirely sure what it accomplished ) :[/FONT]
* * *
Doctor: (examining x-rays) “Did you know that one of your arms is considerably shorter than the other?”
Patient: “Really? That certainly is funny.”
Doctor: “Funny? Well, it is a little humerus.”
* * *
My wife told me she needs more space. That’s why I locked her outside.
* * *
In olden times, plantation owners had to pay cash for their slaves. It was before the days of Master Charge.
* * *
Having a personal servant isn’t remotely the same thing as owning a slave. They’re hard to beat.
* * *
Shopper: “Any of these products contain artificial coloring or flavors?”
Clerk: “I’m proud to say that none of them do, sir!”
Shopper: “Damn. I’ll have to go somewhere else, then. I really enjoy colorful, tasty food.”
* * *
I got jumped by five gang members last night. My car started right up, but the leader warned that I might need a new battery.
* * *
Earthworms defy mathematics... divide them in half, and you double them.
* * *
I dunno what today’s teens are coming to. Last Sunday I saw one lighting up a joint during church services. It shocked me so much, I nearly dropped my whisky bottle.
* * *
CHP Officer: “Sir, you were going over 100 mph! Do you have any excuse for driving so fast?”
Driver: “I do, officer, a very good one: my girlfriend’s about to give birth!”
CHP Officer: “But I don’t see her anywhere in the car.”
Driver: “Of course not! I’m heading for the airport.”
* * *
My dad must have been famous back in the early 2000’s. They even made a movie about him: “Gone in 60 Seconds”.
* * *
Doctor: “I’m changing your wife’s medication. It seems to be the cause of her intense itchiness.”
Husband: “Hmmm... I’ve never before heard that word pronounced out loud. Didn’t know the ‘B’ was silent.”
* * *
I think our pastor is a shill for aerosol salad dressing. During sermons, he invariably mentions “lettuce spray”.
* * *
Spirit mediums have come up with a bizarre revelation: apparently when bees die and become ghosts, they’re no longer capable of making honey. Instead, they give milk... they’re now boo bees.
* * *
The sexually deviant Roman emperor Tiberius had a private zoo on his pleasure island of Capri. One day, a dealer in exotic animal specimens presented himself.
Tiberius: “And what new, different creatures can you offer me today, dealer?”
Dealer: “Sire, how would you like to see a sloth bear?”
Tiberius: “Sounds like fun! Give me a minute to disrobe!”
* * *
After years of medical training, a friend of mine ruined his career with a small indiscretion... apparently he slept with one of his patients. It was bad judgement, but a shame all the same; he really was a brilliant veterinarian.
* * *
Dyslexic criminals habitually smoke marijuana. They understand it to be a getaway drug.
* * *
I steer well clear of the Red Light district. Never been buy-sexual.
* * *
Museum visitor: “Say, mister... can you give me some idea how far back these dinosaur bones go?”
Museum guard: “Yep. These bones here are 65,000,029 years, 201 days old.”
Visitor: “Wow, that’s really precise dating! How can you possibly be so exact?”
Guard: “Well, they were 65,000,000 million years old when I started working here. But I’m getting durned close to retirement age.”
* * *
Ever wonder about the gangsta tendency to hold pistols sideways? It’s not being pretentious; that’s just the way they come out of the box.
* * *
Three women are driving through the desert when they have a breakdown. They’re still three days from the nearest town, so they decide to salvage useful parts of their car for survival.
“I’ll take the radiator,” says the brunette. “We can drink the water along the way.”
“I’ll take the roof,” says the redhead. “We can use it for shade.”
“And I’ll take the door,” says the blonde. “If it gets too hot, we can always roll down the window.”
* * *
I customarily end my posts with a dour-expression emoticon : ( . Must annoy people... they keep telling me to turn that frown upside down. So I did; not entirely sure what it accomplished ) :[/FONT]
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