Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,904
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A magic genie once offered to give me my choice: either a perfect memory or a perfect penis. Be damned if I can recall which one I picked.
When a pirate losses one of his hands at sea, what’s the first thing he does upon making port?
He looks for a hooker.
My bed isn’t real. I just made it up.
Cannibal party guest: “Sorry I’m late. Is dinner over?”
Cannibal party host: “I’m afraid so. Everybody’s eaten.”
Hear about the foreign spy who used stage acting as a cover? He was arrested for committing thespianage.
Just saw “The Disaster Artist” at the theater last night. I’d give it a hi mark.
New York hasn’t started 2018 well. It’s already dropped the ball.
In the wild, cats do their best to beat each other to the next kill. Must be disheartening; it is, after all, a real rat race.
What a miserable turn of events... my wife died just a week before my birthday. Now what am I gonna wish for?
“Owww! My back feels awful! I need help, pleassssse! How about Triactin?”
“My thought exactly. Try actin’ like an adult.”
Gandalf started out life as an illiterate young wizard, but that didn’t last long. He was dedicated to his spell book.
What should you give an elephant with explosive diarrhea?
All kinds of room.
Donald Trump’s life is insured by Lloyd’s of London. The rates are insanely reasonable: just one pence.
I’ll say this about candidate Oprah Winfrey... she has the issues cold. ‘Course, most of them concern weight.
I’ve got an intense fear of imitations. You might call it a fauxbia.
An inventor has developed an entirely new kind of railway locomotive. It doesn’t use diesel or electricity... all you have to do is offer compliments. It’s esteem powered.
My wife is the only one I’ve ever slept with. But I assure you all of my girlfriends are tens.
“I hear your son beats you regularly at dominos.”
“Yeah. I’m afraid they’ll soon stop us from buying any more pizzas there.”
That guy with the axe has felled so many trees, he’s developed an extremely powerful spine. He’s now a full-fledged lumbar jack.
Our newest astronaut hails from the state of Washington. He’s NASA’s most prominent Seattlite.
In today’s cinema, the hero doesn’t anyways get the the girl in the end. Usually it’s missionary position.
Knight: “Your Highness, I return to you from a military expedition. In your name, I have levied taxes upon your subjects to the the south, acquired new slaves from traders to the east and burned villages of your enemies to the north.”
King: “But... I don’t have any enemies to the north.”
Knight: “Oh. Well, you do now.”[/FONT]
* * *
When a pirate losses one of his hands at sea, what’s the first thing he does upon making port?
He looks for a hooker.
* * *
My bed isn’t real. I just made it up.
* * *
Cannibal party guest: “Sorry I’m late. Is dinner over?”
Cannibal party host: “I’m afraid so. Everybody’s eaten.”
* * *
Hear about the foreign spy who used stage acting as a cover? He was arrested for committing thespianage.
* * *
Just saw “The Disaster Artist” at the theater last night. I’d give it a hi mark.
* * *
New York hasn’t started 2018 well. It’s already dropped the ball.
* * *
In the wild, cats do their best to beat each other to the next kill. Must be disheartening; it is, after all, a real rat race.
* * *
What a miserable turn of events... my wife died just a week before my birthday. Now what am I gonna wish for?
* * *
“Owww! My back feels awful! I need help, pleassssse! How about Triactin?”
“My thought exactly. Try actin’ like an adult.”
* * *
Gandalf started out life as an illiterate young wizard, but that didn’t last long. He was dedicated to his spell book.
* * *
What should you give an elephant with explosive diarrhea?
All kinds of room.
* * *
Donald Trump’s life is insured by Lloyd’s of London. The rates are insanely reasonable: just one pence.
* * *
I’ll say this about candidate Oprah Winfrey... she has the issues cold. ‘Course, most of them concern weight.
* * *
I’ve got an intense fear of imitations. You might call it a fauxbia.
* * *
An inventor has developed an entirely new kind of railway locomotive. It doesn’t use diesel or electricity... all you have to do is offer compliments. It’s esteem powered.
* * *
My wife is the only one I’ve ever slept with. But I assure you all of my girlfriends are tens.
* * *
“I hear your son beats you regularly at dominos.”
“Yeah. I’m afraid they’ll soon stop us from buying any more pizzas there.”
* * *
That guy with the axe has felled so many trees, he’s developed an extremely powerful spine. He’s now a full-fledged lumbar jack.
* * *
Our newest astronaut hails from the state of Washington. He’s NASA’s most prominent Seattlite.
* * *
In today’s cinema, the hero doesn’t anyways get the the girl in the end. Usually it’s missionary position.
* * *
Knight: “Your Highness, I return to you from a military expedition. In your name, I have levied taxes upon your subjects to the the south, acquired new slaves from traders to the east and burned villages of your enemies to the north.”
King: “But... I don’t have any enemies to the north.”
Knight: “Oh. Well, you do now.”[/FONT]