Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Elephant (to camel): “Haw haw haw! You’re the silliest looking animal ever! What’s with the two boobs on your back?”
Camel: “Ya know, pal... with a face like yours, I’d just let it drop.”
Last night, I passed a homeless guy while cutting through an alley. Damn diarrhea!
People seem to be seeking out Tide Pods to eat. I understand they come in a natural selection.
Tide Pods are getting bad publicity lately, but personally I think they’re a great idea. I support any product that’ll clean up our clothes and our gene pool at the same time.
My accountant says my bank balance reads like a phone number! I guess that’s good; anyone know what 911 means?
Cycling on public roads can be terribly hazardous. Those damn helmets can crack the hell out of your windshield.
Doctor: “ They’ve just come out with a revolutionary new pill. It should really help your insomnia.”
Patient: “Great! How often do I take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Dyslexic bank robber: “Air in the hands, motherstickers! This is a fuck up!”
Hear about the dyslexic Mormon? He was fully committed to the Church of LSD.
I was so hungry, I once ate a whole dictionary. It gave me thesaurist throat.
All your fingers have a role to play, but it’s natural that one should be in charge. That’s a general rule of thumb.
An employee is summoned to his manager’s office only to find him banging his secretary right there in the middle of the bare floor.
“Geez, boss,” the underling says enviously, “I sure wish things like this would happen to me!”
“Oh, they will,” breathes the burly man heavily. “Right after I’m done with her.”
Two brothers go to prison. One of them is innocent and the governor promises to pardon him: he lives with hope in his soul. The other is dead-bang guilty and will be there for life: he lives with soap in his hole
Gin and d’jinn are pronounced exactly the same way. Not at all surprising; both are spirits in a bottle.
We’ll we’ll we’ll... if it isn’t my old pal, auto-correct!
Think of your wife as a hand grenade; take off the ring, and you’re liable to lose your whole house.
So I’m bellied up to the bar, pounding back a couple, when this Chinese guy sidles up next to me and takes a long draw of brew.
“Hey,” I sez to him, “You know any o’ them fancy martial arts like judo or kung fu?”
“Why you askin’ me?” he replies, offended. “Is it because I’m Asian?”
“No,” I sez back. “It’s ‘cause you’re drinking my beer.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me. Unfortunately, all I brought was names to a sticks-and-stones fight.
Porn stars never lose their cool. That’s because they keep their fans turned on.
Ever wake up, give the one alongside you a big, long, lingering kiss and just be glad you’re alive? God, I’ll never do that again. The stranger in the airline seat next to mine didn’t appreciate it one little bit.
Son: “Dad, I hear that in India a man doesn’t know anything at all about his wife before he marries her. Is that really true?”
Dad: “Yes, boy, it’s true. It’s true everywhere.”
I go to rent the limo... I’m there an hour. I go to rent the tux... I’m there an hour. I go to buy the corsage... I’m there an hour. We get to the prom. I go for refreshments, and am back in a few minutes. There is no punchline.[/FONT]
Camel: “Ya know, pal... with a face like yours, I’d just let it drop.”
* * *
Last night, I passed a homeless guy while cutting through an alley. Damn diarrhea!
* * *
People seem to be seeking out Tide Pods to eat. I understand they come in a natural selection.
* * *
Tide Pods are getting bad publicity lately, but personally I think they’re a great idea. I support any product that’ll clean up our clothes and our gene pool at the same time.
* * *
My accountant says my bank balance reads like a phone number! I guess that’s good; anyone know what 911 means?
* * *
Cycling on public roads can be terribly hazardous. Those damn helmets can crack the hell out of your windshield.
* * *
Doctor: “ They’ve just come out with a revolutionary new pill. It should really help your insomnia.”
Patient: “Great! How often do I take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
* * *
Dyslexic bank robber: “Air in the hands, motherstickers! This is a fuck up!”
* * *
Hear about the dyslexic Mormon? He was fully committed to the Church of LSD.
* * *
I was so hungry, I once ate a whole dictionary. It gave me thesaurist throat.
* * *
All your fingers have a role to play, but it’s natural that one should be in charge. That’s a general rule of thumb.
* * *
An employee is summoned to his manager’s office only to find him banging his secretary right there in the middle of the bare floor.
“Geez, boss,” the underling says enviously, “I sure wish things like this would happen to me!”
“Oh, they will,” breathes the burly man heavily. “Right after I’m done with her.”
* * *
Two brothers go to prison. One of them is innocent and the governor promises to pardon him: he lives with hope in his soul. The other is dead-bang guilty and will be there for life: he lives with soap in his hole
* * *
Gin and d’jinn are pronounced exactly the same way. Not at all surprising; both are spirits in a bottle.
* * *
We’ll we’ll we’ll... if it isn’t my old pal, auto-correct!
* * *
Think of your wife as a hand grenade; take off the ring, and you’re liable to lose your whole house.
* * *
So I’m bellied up to the bar, pounding back a couple, when this Chinese guy sidles up next to me and takes a long draw of brew.
“Hey,” I sez to him, “You know any o’ them fancy martial arts like judo or kung fu?”
“Why you askin’ me?” he replies, offended. “Is it because I’m Asian?”
“No,” I sez back. “It’s ‘cause you’re drinking my beer.”
* * *
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me. Unfortunately, all I brought was names to a sticks-and-stones fight.
* * *
Porn stars never lose their cool. That’s because they keep their fans turned on.
* * *
Ever wake up, give the one alongside you a big, long, lingering kiss and just be glad you’re alive? God, I’ll never do that again. The stranger in the airline seat next to mine didn’t appreciate it one little bit.
* * *
Son: “Dad, I hear that in India a man doesn’t know anything at all about his wife before he marries her. Is that really true?”
Dad: “Yes, boy, it’s true. It’s true everywhere.”
* * *
I go to rent the limo... I’m there an hour. I go to rent the tux... I’m there an hour. I go to buy the corsage... I’m there an hour. We get to the prom. I go for refreshments, and am back in a few minutes. There is no punchline.[/FONT]
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