Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,912
- Points
- 38
[FONT=Comic Sans MS”]Vladimir Putin would like to return Russia to its Cold War glory days. He’s pushing for a Soviet Reunion.
My Siamese cat may actually be a Chinese communist. He’s constantly shouting “Mao!”
For me, every romantic encounter is a quickie. All I want is secs.
Patient: “Doctor, if I’m all the same to you, I’d prefer that my husband be in here with us while you do your examination.”
Doctor: “Ma’am, I assure you I’m both thoroughly professional and a gentleman.”
Patient: “Maybe so. But I my husband’s out there with your pretty receptionist, and I assure you he isn’t either.”
It’s important to me to show a woman exactly how I feel. But I’m always careful to cover my face when I feel it so she can’t identify me.
What a deal! I recently cornered the market on USDA-approved chicken strips! I’m up to my eyeballs in legal tender!
Sex is perfectly harmonious until a condom flies out the door. You can tell it was pissed off.
I’m done forever asking rhetorical questions. I mean, what’s the point?
He: “You smell really good tonight!”
She: “Yeah, I’m using a brand new nasal spray.”
My brother, the anarchist, has been highly unstable since he got out of prison. He’s now a free radical.
Democrats were quite proud of the first black US president. However, the GOP was afraid he might turn our country into an Obama Nation.
Theodore Kaczynski showed criminal tendencies even as a child. He once fed an explosive device to his uncle’s prize steer and blew it sky high. When authorities asked him to describe the incident, the man told them: “Abominable. Simply abominable.”
My uncle drowned in a vat of furniture polish. The rest of the family was upset, but I thought he had a beautiful finish.
The farmer’s wife gets up one morning to collect eggs and is stunned to find all the hens brandishing weapons.
“You’ve stolen our possessions for the very last time” they snarl. “We’ve had enough and we’re rebelling; this is a chicken coup!”
My Swedish neighbor follows his ex around, trailing her from work all the way to her residence. It’s to be expected: he’s from Stockholm.
How sad for Mario! His dad, the master chef, just pasta way. He’s now a pizza history.
People may love them, but it doesn’t matter: I’m not making any more donuts. I’m tired with the hole business.
Ever wonder why the chess Queen can move in any direction for as far as she wants? She must feel totally at home. Perfectly understandable... the chessboard looks so much like a kitchen floor.
The last three guitars I worked on sounded terrible and I thought Fender was gonna fire me. But I’m not worried now! My manager told me “Fret not.”
Patient: “So doc, you think I’ll live a happy, long life?”
Doctor: “I very much doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.”
Patient: “Seriously? Sorry, but I don’t buy all that astrology jazz.”
Doctor: “What does astrology have to do with it? I just broke my rectal thermometer.”
Sexual harassment complaints keep getting lodged against me at work, but instead of firing me the company just moves me to different office. It’s been touch-and-go.
Grandpa: “I don’t trust that priest! He had his hands all over me!”
Grandson: “That wasn’t a priest, granddad. It was the doctor,”
Grandpa: “Oh. I thought he was mightily damn familiar for a priest.”[/FONT]
* * *
My Siamese cat may actually be a Chinese communist. He’s constantly shouting “Mao!”
* * *
For me, every romantic encounter is a quickie. All I want is secs.
* * *
Patient: “Doctor, if I’m all the same to you, I’d prefer that my husband be in here with us while you do your examination.”
Doctor: “Ma’am, I assure you I’m both thoroughly professional and a gentleman.”
Patient: “Maybe so. But I my husband’s out there with your pretty receptionist, and I assure you he isn’t either.”
* * *
It’s important to me to show a woman exactly how I feel. But I’m always careful to cover my face when I feel it so she can’t identify me.
* * *
What a deal! I recently cornered the market on USDA-approved chicken strips! I’m up to my eyeballs in legal tender!
* * *
Sex is perfectly harmonious until a condom flies out the door. You can tell it was pissed off.
* * *
I’m done forever asking rhetorical questions. I mean, what’s the point?
* * *
He: “You smell really good tonight!”
She: “Yeah, I’m using a brand new nasal spray.”
* * *
My brother, the anarchist, has been highly unstable since he got out of prison. He’s now a free radical.
* * *
Democrats were quite proud of the first black US president. However, the GOP was afraid he might turn our country into an Obama Nation.
* * *
Theodore Kaczynski showed criminal tendencies even as a child. He once fed an explosive device to his uncle’s prize steer and blew it sky high. When authorities asked him to describe the incident, the man told them: “Abominable. Simply abominable.”
* * *
My uncle drowned in a vat of furniture polish. The rest of the family was upset, but I thought he had a beautiful finish.
* * *
The farmer’s wife gets up one morning to collect eggs and is stunned to find all the hens brandishing weapons.
“You’ve stolen our possessions for the very last time” they snarl. “We’ve had enough and we’re rebelling; this is a chicken coup!”
* * *
My Swedish neighbor follows his ex around, trailing her from work all the way to her residence. It’s to be expected: he’s from Stockholm.
* * *
How sad for Mario! His dad, the master chef, just pasta way. He’s now a pizza history.
* * *
People may love them, but it doesn’t matter: I’m not making any more donuts. I’m tired with the hole business.
* * *
Ever wonder why the chess Queen can move in any direction for as far as she wants? She must feel totally at home. Perfectly understandable... the chessboard looks so much like a kitchen floor.
* * *
The last three guitars I worked on sounded terrible and I thought Fender was gonna fire me. But I’m not worried now! My manager told me “Fret not.”
* * *
Patient: “So doc, you think I’ll live a happy, long life?”
Doctor: “I very much doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.”
Patient: “Seriously? Sorry, but I don’t buy all that astrology jazz.”
Doctor: “What does astrology have to do with it? I just broke my rectal thermometer.”
* * *
Sexual harassment complaints keep getting lodged against me at work, but instead of firing me the company just moves me to different office. It’s been touch-and-go.
* * *
Grandpa: “I don’t trust that priest! He had his hands all over me!”
Grandson: “That wasn’t a priest, granddad. It was the doctor,”
Grandpa: “Oh. I thought he was mightily damn familiar for a priest.”[/FONT]
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