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Friday night nyuks (2-9-18).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,905
Points
38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]When the Eagles win, we all win! Free TVs and liquor for everyone!

* * *​

I think folks will really come to love nanotechnology. It has a way of getting under your skin.

* * *​

The Simpsons’ Moe from Moe’s Tavern and family nemesis Sideshow Bob have more in common than you might think. Moe’s ambition: to be a bartender. Bob’s ambition: to be a Bart ender.

* * *​

I’m actually smarter than Albert Einstein! I could hardly help but be... he’s been dead for over 60 years.

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One dedicated researcher has successfully combined human DNA with dog DNA. He spent an awful lot of time in the lab.

* * *​

When all the animals were exiting the ark after the flood, Noah said unto them, “Go forth and multiply!”

Two little snakes immediately headed for a big flat rock and started sunning themselves.

“Hey!” cried Noah, “I told you guys to start multiplying! Why aren’t you out there doing it?”

“We can’t,” the snakes smiled back at him. “We’re adders.”

* * *​

It always stuns people when I tell them I have 150 pets. A lot of them don’t even believe me until I show them a picture of my big home aquarium. It’s amazing how many puppies you can squeeze into that thing!

* * *​

Socialism doesn’t work, but it still has plenty of supporters. They don’t work either.

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Socialists will have their tea break any time but 4:00. They believe that proper tea is theft.

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I had to skip my body-building regimen to be a pallbearer at a funeral. At least I still got in some deadlifting.

* * *​

Two glasses of water sit at on a bar. The full one turns to an empty one and says, “Time to go home. You driving?”

The second replies, “I better not. I’m drunk.”

* * *​

My wife waits all night for me to come back from the bar, only to demand, “Do you know what time it is?” Damn it, we have clocks all over the house!

* * *​

The odds of seeing a live dinosaur on modern-day city streets are 50/50: either you see one or you don’t.

* * *​

A woman threatened to sue her local hospital, charging that her husband’s recent operation had diminished his desire for sex. The action lost momentum when it was learned that the surgery had been for cataracts.

* * *​

Rasputin, the Russian mystic, would often predict the weather for Tsar Nicholas and his family. He never stopped warning them about the reign fall.

* * *​

She: “You promised you’d help me get some housework done, and all you’ve done is fool with that damn Playstation all day! Didn’t I ask you to sweep the house?”

He: “I did, twice. No hostiles.”

* * *​

My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation. I thought it was a crazy treatment until I saw that dragon and shit myself!

* * *​

January through December, a calendar is depressed no matter what month it is. It knows it’s days are numbered.

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I bought myself a whole wheel of cheese. My wife said it would keep me awake at night and she was right. A pillow is much more comfortable.

* * *​

What’s the best part of being 100+ years old?

Very little peer pressure.

* * *​

So far, Elon Musk has been a paragon. Let’s hope there are no scandals; Elongate could be with us quite awhile.

* * *​

Son: “Daddy! Daddy! I almost got a 100 on today’s test!”

Dad: “Son, that’s fantastic! How far off were you?”

Son: “I was only short one zero!”[/FONT]
 
Last edited:
LOL :p
Great collection as usual. :D
My favorite:
When all the animals were exiting the ark after the flood, Noah said unto them, “Go forth and multiply!”

Two little snakes immediately headed for a big flat rock and started sunning themselves.

“Hey!” cried Noah, “I told you guys to start multiplying! Why aren’t you out there doing it?”

“We can’t,” the snakes smiled back at him. “We’re adders.”

I once heard a version of this joke that went on from there:

Noah then told the adders that he felt bad about their having no children and would build some furniture for them. He cut down some trees and did so.

A year later, Noah came to visit the adders again and was shocked to see a dozen baby snakes around.

"I thought that you were adders and couldn't multiply," said Noah.

"That was before you built us these fine log tables," said the adders. :rowfull:
 
Lol! Took me a minute! Great continuation of the theme! I should have known a mathematician would be all over this one!
 
Lol! Took me a minute! Great continuation of the theme! I should have known a mathematician would be all over this one!

You have to be old enough to remember the era before pocket calculators (prior to 1970) when multiplication (and other operations) could be done using tables of logarithms.
:D
 
When the Eagles win, we all win! Free TVs and liquor for everyone!

Socialism doesn’t work, but it still has plenty of supporters. They don’t work either.

My wife waits all night for me to come back from the bar, only to demand, “Do you know what time it is?” Damn it, we have clocks all over the house!

A woman threatened to sue her local hospital, charging that her husband’s recent operation had diminished his desire for sex. The action lost momentum when it was learned that the surgery had been for cataracts.

:laughhard:
 
Thank you Bugman! Great choices! You picked a lot of the ones at which I also laughed the hardest, that last in particular!
 
Sorry, been under the weather the past few weeks, finally recovering. My fav, math related. And yes, I remember using log tables. And slide rules. Back then, the most common calculator was know as an abacus.

Son: “Daddy! Daddy! I almost got a 100 on today’s test!”
Dad: “Son, that’s fantastic! How far off were you?”
Son: “I was only short one zero!”
 
Glad to hear you’re feeling better, Rdhd! Man, you guys have covered all the numbers this week! I too remember using a slide rule back in my high school days. Never really mastered it.
 
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