Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A man went next door to see his neighbor on an important matter.
“Yesterday your dog barked and snapped at my mother-in-law,” he stated gravely. “The animal became so aggressive, she stumbled off the curb and broke her hip.”
“I’m so desperately sorry!” the neighbor fumbled. “I suppose you’re here about money.”
“That’s precisely what I had in mind.” replied the man. “Care to sell him?”
A psycho breaks out of the asylum. The first thing he does is head for the local cat-house and pick the oldest, flabbiest whore in the place. Obviously he had a loose screw.
Alfred the Great was one of the canniest rulers of his age. He knew all the Angles.
Women shouldn’t ever need to own watches. I mean, c’mon! There’s a clock built right into the oven!
A blonde mom is cooking dinner one night, when her blonde daughter enters the room.
“Mom,” the girl asks, “how come people think blondes are dumb?”
“I’ll demonstrate,” replies Mom, and raps firmly on the kitchen counter.
“I better go answer the door,” the girl says immediately.
“There,” Mom sighs wearily. “That’s what gives people the impression that all blondes are dumb. Now you keep an eye on these pork chops while I go see who’s at the door.”
Baby asp: “Mom, are we poisonous or non-poisonous snakes?”
Mother asp: “Oh, we’re poisonous all right. It’s just the way God made us so don’t let it concern you.”
Baby asp: “I have to be concerned! I was eating lunch and just bit my tongue.”
I used to have an addiction to masterbation. Then I met this cute girl and my addiction shifted over to general sex. It’s really gotten out of hand.
Early in my youth, I was blessed with a 10-inch penis. Happily, the police caught that lousy buggering priest.
She: “This summer infestation is horrible! Hope you managed to get rid of a few of these flies.”
He: “Yep. Five altogether: three males and two females.”
She: “How on earth do you determine their sex?”
He: “Well, I killed three on my beer can. The other two were on the phone.”
A biker is cycling cross country when he becomes lost in farmland. Seeing a laborer toiling away in the field, he stops to ask directions.
“Hey pal,” he calls out, “what’s the fastest way to get to Bakersfield?”
“Well,” replies the farmhand, “you could dump that bike and buy yourself a motorcycle. That’d shave three hours off your trip.”
I was going to post a time travel joke but thought better of it. You guys said it was terrible.
I’ve done the impossible and invented a time travel machine. Unfortunately, the only speed it will move at is “Normal”.
The principal difference between a lawyer and a liar? Pronunciation.
The Bible is far better than the Dictionary. The Dictionary may contain verbs, but the Bible contains Pro-verbs.
When you think about it, “Trojan” is an awfully bad name for a condom. The Trojans were a people famous for having had their city wall breached.
Why call it “a pair of pants”? Ever try to buy just one?
Yesterday I saw a quadriplegic man lying on a pile of dry leaves. I believe his name is Russell.
We took the same quadriplegic guy water skiing today. Turns out his name is Skip.
Chewbacca blew up an Imperial candy factory and came back with remnants stuck all over his fur. He’s now a chocolate chip Wookie.
Spider Man has developed super-reflexes. That’s why he has great response ability.
With great power comes even greater electric bills.
Teacher: “Little Johnny, it’s your turn. Please stand up and gives us your report for How My Week Went.”
Johnny: “Well, on Monday my daddy fell down our well.”
Teacher: “Gracious heavens! Is he all right now!”
Johnny: “He must be. He quit yelling for help yesterday.”[/FONT]
“Yesterday your dog barked and snapped at my mother-in-law,” he stated gravely. “The animal became so aggressive, she stumbled off the curb and broke her hip.”
“I’m so desperately sorry!” the neighbor fumbled. “I suppose you’re here about money.”
“That’s precisely what I had in mind.” replied the man. “Care to sell him?”
* * *
A psycho breaks out of the asylum. The first thing he does is head for the local cat-house and pick the oldest, flabbiest whore in the place. Obviously he had a loose screw.
* * *
Alfred the Great was one of the canniest rulers of his age. He knew all the Angles.
* * *
Women shouldn’t ever need to own watches. I mean, c’mon! There’s a clock built right into the oven!
* * *
A blonde mom is cooking dinner one night, when her blonde daughter enters the room.
“Mom,” the girl asks, “how come people think blondes are dumb?”
“I’ll demonstrate,” replies Mom, and raps firmly on the kitchen counter.
“I better go answer the door,” the girl says immediately.
“There,” Mom sighs wearily. “That’s what gives people the impression that all blondes are dumb. Now you keep an eye on these pork chops while I go see who’s at the door.”
* * *
Baby asp: “Mom, are we poisonous or non-poisonous snakes?”
Mother asp: “Oh, we’re poisonous all right. It’s just the way God made us so don’t let it concern you.”
Baby asp: “I have to be concerned! I was eating lunch and just bit my tongue.”
* * *
I used to have an addiction to masterbation. Then I met this cute girl and my addiction shifted over to general sex. It’s really gotten out of hand.
* * *
Early in my youth, I was blessed with a 10-inch penis. Happily, the police caught that lousy buggering priest.
* * *
She: “This summer infestation is horrible! Hope you managed to get rid of a few of these flies.”
He: “Yep. Five altogether: three males and two females.”
She: “How on earth do you determine their sex?”
He: “Well, I killed three on my beer can. The other two were on the phone.”
* * *
A biker is cycling cross country when he becomes lost in farmland. Seeing a laborer toiling away in the field, he stops to ask directions.
“Hey pal,” he calls out, “what’s the fastest way to get to Bakersfield?”
“Well,” replies the farmhand, “you could dump that bike and buy yourself a motorcycle. That’d shave three hours off your trip.”
* * *
I was going to post a time travel joke but thought better of it. You guys said it was terrible.
* * *
I’ve done the impossible and invented a time travel machine. Unfortunately, the only speed it will move at is “Normal”.
* * *
The principal difference between a lawyer and a liar? Pronunciation.
* * *
The Bible is far better than the Dictionary. The Dictionary may contain verbs, but the Bible contains Pro-verbs.
* * *
When you think about it, “Trojan” is an awfully bad name for a condom. The Trojans were a people famous for having had their city wall breached.
* * *
Why call it “a pair of pants”? Ever try to buy just one?
* * *
Yesterday I saw a quadriplegic man lying on a pile of dry leaves. I believe his name is Russell.
* * *
We took the same quadriplegic guy water skiing today. Turns out his name is Skip.
* * *
Chewbacca blew up an Imperial candy factory and came back with remnants stuck all over his fur. He’s now a chocolate chip Wookie.
* * *
Spider Man has developed super-reflexes. That’s why he has great response ability.
* * *
With great power comes even greater electric bills.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, it’s your turn. Please stand up and gives us your report for How My Week Went.”
Johnny: “Well, on Monday my daddy fell down our well.”
Teacher: “Gracious heavens! Is he all right now!”
Johnny: “He must be. He quit yelling for help yesterday.”[/FONT]
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