Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,913
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Evidently President Lincoln died in a restaurant. I just learned he was shot by John Wilke’s booth.
My girlfriend sent a little note with my lunch, “Get better soon!” Jesus, sex last night wasn’t that bad!
Hear about the controversial alternate final episode of Seinfeld in which the plane crashes and kills everybody? It was disturbing, but still got four stars.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One of them turns to the other and says, “Pickles... there’s something not quite right about this.”
She: “I’ve got something to tell you. Uh... ummm...”
He: “Well, let’s have it. Don’t beat around the bush.”
She: “Funny you should put it that way: I’m pregnant.”
Trump swears he doesn’t wear a rug, and actually it’s hard to believe that any hairpiece could look that bad. If it’s ever confirmed he does, the press will go nuts... they’ll proclaim:”President has Hell Toupee!”
I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday, but he spent most of his time on the phone. What miserable luck; I had to deal with an on-callogist.
First caveman: “Hello there, Ogg! Hey, that ‘wheel’ invention of yours turned out swell! What are you working on now?”
Second caveman: “I call it a ‘knife’. You’ll be able to use to skin rabbits, prepare vegetables, that kinda thing.”
First caveman: “Sounds great! But what’s with the big pile of broken rocks in the corner?”
Second caveman: “Unsuccessful prototypes. They didn’t make the cut.”
I have an absolutely clean conscience. Never used.
Trousers are allowed in school if they’re supported by a belt, but not if they’re kept in place by braces. In the latter case, they’re suspended.
Technologists are working hard to develop a self-driving car, but that ignores the fact that transportation already had an automatic system that allowed drivers to drink booze or even fall asleep and still reach their destination safely. Then some smart-ass decided we needed a horse-less carriage.
I love prunes so much, it’s like an addiction. I just can’t go without them.
Russian official: “President Putin, you won the election with 99 percent of the vote! Imagine it, 99 percent! Only 1 percent of the people voted against you! What more could you possibly want!”
Putin: “Their names.”
Donald Trump telephones Vladimir Putin to offer congratulations on the successful election.
“You’re welcome,” replied Putin, “but a little late. Why did you wait for over a year?”
I caught my wife having sex with my best friend. Naturally, I told her to pack her bags and get out. And him? I put him back in the kennel and made him go a week without his favorite chew toy.
The difference between a brown nose and a shit head?
Depth perception.
There’s a rumor going ‘round that the giant who lives in the clouds up above our village has diarrhea. It’s all over town.
An accused killer fled jurisdiction before his trial could be concluded, but the judge decided to hand down a ruling anyway. The defense attorney brought a picture of his absent client to serve as a stand-in.
“I now deliver a verdict of guilty as charged,” thundered the judge.
“That ain’t fair!” whined the picture from the defense table. “I was framed!”
Pity poor Anne Boleyn! She got royally screwed!
The Chess Club may be considered a bunch of social outcasts by most, but our local hotel owner invites them to celebrate their latest victories weekly in the banquet room just off his establishment’s lobby. He’s quite sentimental and loves to see chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.
My girlfriend wants to Save the Whales, so she joined the “Green Peas” foundation. What farming and fishing have to do with each other, I’ve yet to figure out.
I think a border wall is a terrific idea! The last thing we need is an invasion of dirty, unruly layabouts from south of the border. Our country is far better off without their kind. So please, please, please... keep them out of Canada![/FONT]
* * *
My girlfriend sent a little note with my lunch, “Get better soon!” Jesus, sex last night wasn’t that bad!
* * *
Hear about the controversial alternate final episode of Seinfeld in which the plane crashes and kills everybody? It was disturbing, but still got four stars.
* * *
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One of them turns to the other and says, “Pickles... there’s something not quite right about this.”
* * *
She: “I’ve got something to tell you. Uh... ummm...”
He: “Well, let’s have it. Don’t beat around the bush.”
She: “Funny you should put it that way: I’m pregnant.”
* * *
Trump swears he doesn’t wear a rug, and actually it’s hard to believe that any hairpiece could look that bad. If it’s ever confirmed he does, the press will go nuts... they’ll proclaim:”President has Hell Toupee!”
* * *
I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday, but he spent most of his time on the phone. What miserable luck; I had to deal with an on-callogist.
* * *
First caveman: “Hello there, Ogg! Hey, that ‘wheel’ invention of yours turned out swell! What are you working on now?”
Second caveman: “I call it a ‘knife’. You’ll be able to use to skin rabbits, prepare vegetables, that kinda thing.”
First caveman: “Sounds great! But what’s with the big pile of broken rocks in the corner?”
Second caveman: “Unsuccessful prototypes. They didn’t make the cut.”
* * *
I have an absolutely clean conscience. Never used.
* * *
Trousers are allowed in school if they’re supported by a belt, but not if they’re kept in place by braces. In the latter case, they’re suspended.
* * *
Technologists are working hard to develop a self-driving car, but that ignores the fact that transportation already had an automatic system that allowed drivers to drink booze or even fall asleep and still reach their destination safely. Then some smart-ass decided we needed a horse-less carriage.
* * *
I love prunes so much, it’s like an addiction. I just can’t go without them.
* * *
Russian official: “President Putin, you won the election with 99 percent of the vote! Imagine it, 99 percent! Only 1 percent of the people voted against you! What more could you possibly want!”
Putin: “Their names.”
* * *
Donald Trump telephones Vladimir Putin to offer congratulations on the successful election.
“You’re welcome,” replied Putin, “but a little late. Why did you wait for over a year?”
* * *
I caught my wife having sex with my best friend. Naturally, I told her to pack her bags and get out. And him? I put him back in the kennel and made him go a week without his favorite chew toy.
* * *
The difference between a brown nose and a shit head?
Depth perception.
* * *
There’s a rumor going ‘round that the giant who lives in the clouds up above our village has diarrhea. It’s all over town.
* * *
An accused killer fled jurisdiction before his trial could be concluded, but the judge decided to hand down a ruling anyway. The defense attorney brought a picture of his absent client to serve as a stand-in.
“I now deliver a verdict of guilty as charged,” thundered the judge.
“That ain’t fair!” whined the picture from the defense table. “I was framed!”
* * *
Pity poor Anne Boleyn! She got royally screwed!
* * *
The Chess Club may be considered a bunch of social outcasts by most, but our local hotel owner invites them to celebrate their latest victories weekly in the banquet room just off his establishment’s lobby. He’s quite sentimental and loves to see chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.
* * *
My girlfriend wants to Save the Whales, so she joined the “Green Peas” foundation. What farming and fishing have to do with each other, I’ve yet to figure out.
* * *
I think a border wall is a terrific idea! The last thing we need is an invasion of dirty, unruly layabouts from south of the border. Our country is far better off without their kind. So please, please, please... keep them out of Canada![/FONT]
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