Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,911
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I’ve been reading the “Lord of the Rings” novels; did you know that the character Gollum was once a normal man, but that wearing the ring drained away his energy, his youth and his zest for life? Geez... I didn’t suspect it was a wedding ring.
In olden days, the supreme British punishment was to be hung, drawn and quartered. Doesn’t sound like much disincentive, does it: a portrait, a free room and a penis enlarger.
On my last vacation, I visited an old settlement that had been inhabited entirely by the KKK. It was a ghost town.
It’s a miracle we can have a gin and tonic with ice. What other couple stays together once their relationship is on the rocks?
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I felt extreme sympathy. Golly, I know what it’s like to grow up without a father.
Why are you staring at that glass of water? Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.
Geneticists are working on a chicken/centipede hybrid. What an idea! Drumsticks for everybody!
The Champ-Élysées is lined with trees. I guess German troops like to march in the shade.
My neighbor’s parrot kept talking about suicide, so I sneaked him out of his cage to see a psychiatrist. Then my neighbor ends up killing himself. Man, what a wild coincidence.
It’s a big mistake to build an automobile out of pasta. It usually turns out all denty.
Greek culture after Alexander the Great was Hellenistic. Before Alexander, it was only slightly nistic.
“I know cows give cream, but you say they also produce coffee?”
“That’s what I heard. But only decaf.”
TV producers are contemplating a situation comedy show set on Santa Lucia Island. It’s provisionally called “Isle of Lucy”.
My wife likes to stay on her toes. That’s why I bought her a pair of high heels.
Two men are cutting through a dark alley one night when a mugger pops up with a pistol, demanding all their money. The first man produces his wallet and pulls out the bills, all of which he hands over to the gunman except for one.
“Hey Joe,” he says to his companion. “Here’s the twenty I owe you.”
I wish I owned a bird carved out of hickory. It would be quite the novelty, wooden tit!
Doctor: “Mr. Smith, it’s time to deliver the baby.”
Father: “Great! Take him to see my folks in Poughkeepsie.”
Two fish are a tank. One turns to the other and warns, “Supplies better arrive soon. We’re down to our last shell.”
Blonde: “Come meet my new dogs.”
Visitor: “My, they certainly are big. What do you call them?”
Blonde: “ Rolex and Timex.”
Visitor: “Rolex... Timex. Those are awfully odd names.”
Blonde: “Not really. They’re watch dogs.”
China’s new facial recognition technology is amazing! At a concert crowd of 50,000 Chinese fans, it was able to identify a single criminal! 50,000 times!
I just found out that cock fighting is done with male chickens. Damn! And I’ve been training so hard...
Patient: “All night, every night... all I ever dream about is cats playing football! Eight straight hours! From the moment my head hits the pillow till the alarm goes off! Cats cats cats cats cats cats caaaats! CATS PLAYING FOOTBALLLL!”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t panic. I can write you a prescription. It’ll get rid of those dreams, no problem.”
Patient: “But tonight’s the playoffs!”[/FONT]
* * *
In olden days, the supreme British punishment was to be hung, drawn and quartered. Doesn’t sound like much disincentive, does it: a portrait, a free room and a penis enlarger.
* * *
On my last vacation, I visited an old settlement that had been inhabited entirely by the KKK. It was a ghost town.
* * *
It’s a miracle we can have a gin and tonic with ice. What other couple stays together once their relationship is on the rocks?
* * *
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I felt extreme sympathy. Golly, I know what it’s like to grow up without a father.
* * *
Why are you staring at that glass of water? Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.
* * *
Geneticists are working on a chicken/centipede hybrid. What an idea! Drumsticks for everybody!
* * *
The Champ-Élysées is lined with trees. I guess German troops like to march in the shade.
* * *
My neighbor’s parrot kept talking about suicide, so I sneaked him out of his cage to see a psychiatrist. Then my neighbor ends up killing himself. Man, what a wild coincidence.
* * *
It’s a big mistake to build an automobile out of pasta. It usually turns out all denty.
* * *
Greek culture after Alexander the Great was Hellenistic. Before Alexander, it was only slightly nistic.
* * *
“I know cows give cream, but you say they also produce coffee?”
“That’s what I heard. But only decaf.”
* * *
TV producers are contemplating a situation comedy show set on Santa Lucia Island. It’s provisionally called “Isle of Lucy”.
* * *
My wife likes to stay on her toes. That’s why I bought her a pair of high heels.
* * *
Two men are cutting through a dark alley one night when a mugger pops up with a pistol, demanding all their money. The first man produces his wallet and pulls out the bills, all of which he hands over to the gunman except for one.
“Hey Joe,” he says to his companion. “Here’s the twenty I owe you.”
* * *
I wish I owned a bird carved out of hickory. It would be quite the novelty, wooden tit!
* * *
Doctor: “Mr. Smith, it’s time to deliver the baby.”
Father: “Great! Take him to see my folks in Poughkeepsie.”
* * *
Two fish are a tank. One turns to the other and warns, “Supplies better arrive soon. We’re down to our last shell.”
* * *
Blonde: “Come meet my new dogs.”
Visitor: “My, they certainly are big. What do you call them?”
Blonde: “ Rolex and Timex.”
Visitor: “Rolex... Timex. Those are awfully odd names.”
Blonde: “Not really. They’re watch dogs.”
* * *
China’s new facial recognition technology is amazing! At a concert crowd of 50,000 Chinese fans, it was able to identify a single criminal! 50,000 times!
* * *
I just found out that cock fighting is done with male chickens. Damn! And I’ve been training so hard...
* * *
Patient: “All night, every night... all I ever dream about is cats playing football! Eight straight hours! From the moment my head hits the pillow till the alarm goes off! Cats cats cats cats cats cats caaaats! CATS PLAYING FOOTBALLLL!”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t panic. I can write you a prescription. It’ll get rid of those dreams, no problem.”
Patient: “But tonight’s the playoffs!”[/FONT]
