• The TMF is sponsored by Clips4sale - By supporting them, you're supporting us.
  • >>> If you cannot get into your account email me at [email protected] <<<
    Don't forget to include your username

The TMF is sponsored by:

Clips4Sale Banner

Accepting my schizophrenia

Yardis

TMF Novice
Joined
Jan 4, 2018
Messages
54
Points
0
Was talking about this in the chatroom and decided to bring it to the main forum.

I have schizophrenia, and severe depression. It impacts my life in a lot of ways. Particularly i connecting with people. But there's a lot of stigma about mental health and it's not true. I'm not Norman Bates, I'm not a serial killer, I'm a person with an illness. We are more dangerous to myselfs then to other people.

It has given me problems. Last year I tried to kill myself after thinking about it for a while. I had joined this site about a month before with a different username and profile. I just desperately wanted a friend. I made one friend who really seemed like my kind of person. Not just from a physical standpoint, it takes me a while before I get sexual feelings for somebody. I mean I felt a real emotional connection. When I decided to kill myself I fucked it up, I wanted to destroy any connection I had because I didn't think I was worth it. Before I killed myself I sent her a message apologizing, because I didn't want her thinking it was her fault. My suicide attempt didn't work and I ended up in hospital.

Since then I've been in and out of hospitals trying to sort myself out. That's the difficulty of mental health. Connecting. I sent her a message a while later apologizing and saying it was my fault, she said she was ok with it but didn't want to talk again. I'm glad she's ok but I felt really bad that I lost her. I'd do anything for a second chance.

I'm just a man with an illness. a man with a really bad illness and I've made mistakes but I'm trying. There's no cure but that's all people like me can do. Is try.

Don't make assumptions about people with mental health problems, and accept us for hat we are. People with problems. Problems that impact on our lifes in a lot of ways. But I can honestly say I am trying to be whatever a good person is.

I will answer any question relevant to my illness.
 
Hi, Yardis,

I'm Green_Machine

I'm sorry for what you've gone through recently.

While I can't personally relate to having Schiznophernia, I know what it's like to be in a dark place.

When all else fails, sometimes, the only thing that you can do is move forward with what you have left. Who knows? Maybe your friend will be able to let go of what happened and speak to you again, one day. As long as you can go to bed every night knowing that you gave life your all, you can rest easily and feel proud for hanging on.

To me, being a good person is instinctive. You don't give much thought to the deeds that you do, but know that it would be in the best interest of others. Sometimes that means jeopardizing yourself.

If you ever wanted to talk more, we can always PM.
 
I can totally relate to your struggles dude. I have OCD and ADHD really bad and for awhile I was in such a state of despair because I couldn't figure out why the other kids in my class in school were able to memorize facts so easily and yet everything I tried to learn slipped out of my head so easily. I too contemplated suicide when my OCD became so bad I could only get peace when I took a shower.

Fortunately I had a loving family and they took me to see a neurologist and he got me on medication that really helps me to live a normal life now. If you haven't seen a neurologist or someone specializing in the treatment of schizophrenia then don't be afraid to do so kay dude? The key for me was getting on the right medication and then setting an iron tight schedule on when to take my meds (I ended up making a mantra to myself, "nine in the morning and nine at night".

Over and over again I tell myself that. Other than that, know that we all care about you and want you to be happy dude.

(hugs) Be safe, stay safe, and take care of yourself. Your not alone and your NOT a freak so don't let anyone tell you you don't deserve a good quality life. Cause you deserve all the happiness. And pie...you must have pie...lots and lots of pie...french silk pie is best...mmmm...;) :D
 
Funny detail, from a friend of mine who has Schizophrenia.

Copper is found in higher concentrations in people who have schizophrenia. Copper is electrically conductive.

I have a question. Have you ever tried to isolate yourself from major electircal currents and evaluate the changes in your Schizophrenic episodes?

Do you have Episodes or is it just an ongoing thing?
 
Hi, Yardis,

I'm Green_Machine

I'm sorry for what you've gone through recently.

While I can't personally relate to having Schiznophernia, I know what it's like to be in a dark place.

When all else fails, sometimes, the only thing that you can do is move forward with what you have left. Who knows? Maybe your friend will be able to let go of what happened and speak to you again, one day. As long as you can go to bed every night knowing that you gave life your all, you can rest easily and feel proud for hanging on.

To me, being a good person is instinctive. You don't give much thought to the deeds that you do, but know that it would be in the best interest of others. Sometimes that means jeopardizing yourself.

If you ever wanted to talk more, we can always PM.

Thanks.

I think everybody eventually goes to a dark phase, just some last longer than others.

I hope she does, because I really felt a connection with her and I just want to go back.

Yeah it does, I think if we all try do what we think is right the world will be better, even when it's hard.
 
I can totally relate to your struggles dude. I have OCD and ADHD really bad and for awhile I was in such a state of despair because I couldn't figure out why the other kids in my class in school were able to memorize facts so easily and yet everything I tried to learn slipped out of my head so easily. I too contemplated suicide when my OCD became so bad I could only get peace when I took a shower.

Fortunately I had a loving family and they took me to see a neurologist and he got me on medication that really helps me to live a normal life now. If you haven't seen a neurologist or someone specializing in the treatment of schizophrenia then don't be afraid to do so kay dude? The key for me was getting on the right medication and then setting an iron tight schedule on when to take my meds (I ended up making a mantra to myself, "nine in the morning and nine at night".

Over and over again I tell myself that. Other than that, know that we all care about you and want you to be happy dude.

(hugs) Be safe, stay safe, and take care of yourself. Your not alone and your NOT a freak so don't let anyone tell you you don't deserve a good quality life. Cause you deserve all the happiness. And pie...you must have pie...lots and lots of pie...french silk pie is best...mmmm...;) :D

I have OCD as well, I'm the same showering is so important for me, It's getting better but still a struggle.

I do see a psychologist and a specialist, I'm on meds, don't reallly work for schizophrenia but kind of help with depression.

Thanks, I'll try. I'm glad others relate to this.
 
Funny detail, from a friend of mine who has Schizophrenia.

Copper is found in higher concentrations in people who have schizophrenia. Copper is electrically conductive.

I have a question. Have you ever tried to isolate yourself from major electircal currents and evaluate the changes in your Schizophrenic episodes?

Do you have Episodes or is it just an ongoing thing?

I can't say I've ever thought of that, for me I just constantly hear voices anyway. But I have noticed sometimes radio static or stuff when I'm around.
 
Yardis I really feel for you. I know that there is no cure... (I just watched a Ted Talk from a woman who has this too.)

I know it's hard to go through the loss of a friendship. But what you have is out of your control... which oddly makes the loss hurt even moreso. But you have to look at it in a different light. It was not meant to be. You WILL find friends that support you. It just wasn't meant to be her. And thats alright. The people who WILL be there for you and love you for exactly who you are... will touch your heart in ways you have not experienced yet. You WILL find them. As long as you keep fighting and never give up hope. Those are the 2 emotions you have to have. You're not going to succumb. This is ONE part of your mind. The REST of your mind needs to surround the illness and kick it with love. I can't know what its like to have this. But by what this woman says... you can have a wonderful life. This is just a part of you now. Not what defines you.

It's not going to be an easy road... but eventually you WILL be on a road that you can have much joy in your life. I want to post the Ted Talk I watched as I want you to have this hope. There IS hope to have a good life. There are people who have what you have... That they are too are fighting against the stigma. And here it is YOU are one of them. I'm so proud of you for talking about this here. Others may have it and by sharing your story, others will be encouraged to seek help and your friendship for support. And elsewhere. Just be careful on what sites you look at it for support and help. You have to be careful to avoid being dragged down into a continual sadness. Or else you will be constantly sad too. That's not healthy. You want uplifting encouragment. Here is one of them. I think she even has a blog and you can follow her:

 
Yardis I really feel for you. I know that there is no cure... (I just watched a Ted Talk from a woman who has this too.)

I know it's hard to go through the loss of a friendship. But what you have is out of your control... which oddly makes the loss hurt even moreso. But you have to look at it in a different light. It was not meant to be. You WILL find friends that support you. It just wasn't meant to be her. And thats alright. The people who WILL be there for you and love you for exactly who you are... will touch your heart in ways you have not experienced yet. You WILL find them. As long as you keep fighting and never give up hope. Those are the 2 emotions you have to have. You're not going to succumb. This is ONE part of your mind. The REST of your mind needs to surround the illness and kick it with love. I can't know what its like to have this. But by what this woman says... you can have a wonderful life. This is just a part of you now. Not what defines you.

It's not going to be an easy road... but eventually you WILL be on a road that you can have much joy in your life. I want to post the Ted Talk I watched as I want you to have this hope. There IS hope to have a good life. There are people who have what you have... That they are too are fighting against the stigma. And here it is YOU are one of them. I'm so proud of you for talking about this here. Others may have it and by sharing your story, others will be encouraged to seek help and your friendship for support. And elsewhere. Just be careful on what sites you look at it for support and help. You have to be careful to avoid being dragged down into a continual sadness. Or else you will be constantly sad too. That's not healthy. You want uplifting encouragment. Here is one of them. I think she even has a blog and you can follow her:


You were really supportive when I had my old profile too.

I rarely meet somebody who I connect with, and she messaged me first so it kind of felt like it was really right. But we meet at the worst period in my life when I was planning to kill myself soon. I feel like if we had met now it would be ok. It feels like I just threw it away.

Thanks for saying what you said. And I hope I did help other people.

I'll listen to that TED talk.
 
You were really supportive when I had my old profile too.

I try to be when I see someone hurting. This is a huge thing to go through. No one should feel alone ever. :)

I rarely meet somebody who I connect with, and she messaged me first so it kind of felt like it was really right. But we meet at the worst period in my life when I was planning to kill myself soon. I feel like if we had met now it would be ok. It feels like I just threw it away.

So what if you did? You HAVE to forgive yourself. And forgive the disorder as well. I realize you don't WANT to forgive yourself right now. It's easier to be in pain because you are USED to being in pain. I can tell you from experiece.. your brain is literally addicted to pain. Feeling better almost feels wrong right? Thats your illness. You have good intentioned morals to feel bad about what happened. That's a good thing to have empathy. And feel bad when you hurt someone. But you're wrong to want to STAY in pain. That is something you need to proactively work on. It's your mind telling you to stay in pain. But if you work towards getting happy... (even with this disorder...) your mind will learn to let go of painful events. You want to feel better. Right? Even in your darkest moments you think to yourself on occassion. "I just want to feel better." Right? Then its time to start actively accomplishing your goals of feeling better. :)

Of all the places you could be. I think its fair to say laughter is the best medicine for you right now. And I'm not talking about Tickling. Watch comedies. Enjoy things that force you to LAUGH. Your mind and body NEED that right now and continuously through out life. That will really help you combat the cycle of being mentally addicted to pain. It works but you have to keep doing it. Every day... watch or listen to something FUNNY. :) I call that brain tickling. Because it is. :)

I realize its rare for you to find someone whom you can connect with. That is a rarity for most of us in this world. But its like you just said- if you had met her at this time rather then back then maybe things would be different. BUT you DIDN"T. You can't change the past. But you can change the future. :)

Let this just be a lesson for you. However you acted: Don't repeat that same behavior. And if you do, that will be something to talk about with someone like a therapist. To move forward in a healthy way. It's sad she isn't interested in further communication. But you should be ok with that. You are indeed owning the fact that you did something wrong. But sometimes there are consequences for our actions. So... now you have learned, don't do whatever it is that you did. Lesson learned. DONE. Yes. It cost you the friendship. But it's DONE. If you love something... sometimes you have to let it go.

You have a LOT on your life plate right now to deal with.

People aren't bandaids. She isn't your bandaid. I'm sure you know that but... it seems you are hurting and beating yourself up to the point of being unable to let her go. Don't use what you did to avoid feeling better. Pain is not your bandaid either because you think you deserve to stay in pain. Friendship and love is awesome but... at what cost? Again.. you have a LOT on your plate right now. Focus on your own life plate, and stop focusing on her life plate. In how you affected her's. She can't help you with friendship or anything else now. She's doing what's best for her now.

Thats in the past. Remember the fun times you had. And keep them in your heart. Good memories are better than none at all.

An old saying goes: Once you break a plate... it never goes back to being the way it was. Not really. That is one of the sad facts of life. We fuck up. We are human. You can't blame a dog when he pees on someones leg. He didn't mean it. He was being a dog. You are being human. With or without the illness. We make MISTAKES. If we can forgive the dog for doing dog like things... we can forgive ourselves for doing human like things. Thats the truth.

She may have been cool as the day is long. But... she's not the only nice or cool person in this world. Don't disregard all the other people in this world so easily because of this one person. That would be unfair to the rest of the world woulden't it? Spend more time in the chat room just chilling out. What are your other interests outside of this forum? You can find others who share your interests. That takes time though.

This is the internet. And there's a world off the internet too. :) Just walk outside your front door with a plan in place. :) But... you are the focus now. Not her. You are in the process of learning to live with a disorder. That takes time to learn. So, focus on YOU. Loving yourself. Learning how to love yourself. And learning what else there is to love about life itself.

With her: It's kinda like a losing a job. You may have loved the job. You may be sad that you lost the job. But... you have to find another job. We ALL do. I know relationships are complicated especially when the heart is involved. Unrequited love... or unrequited friendship should be a warning to you. You cannot keep chasing something that isn't yours to have. Why would you want to anyway? A one sided friendship or a one sided attraction is worthless if both parties don't want the same thing. That's like banging your head up against the wall. It accomplishes nothing. (Except a headache.) You have to think higher of yourself in the sense that... you have to do now what is right for YOU. You have to become stable first. And emotionally competent to maintain frienships and relationships. That the road you're on right now. In the mean time... laugh. And laugh a LOT. :) Every day.

You reached out to her to make it right. She accepted the apology. But she wants to move on. Let that be enough for you that she accepted your apology. It would hurt worse if she didn't right? So.. she gave you what she could. An acceptance of an apology is a huge gift to give someone. So accept that gift. And take that gift for what it is. To never do that again to someone else. You're a better man now for it. And you will be a better friend in the future. That is what life entails for all of us. None of us go unscathed from pain. But its what we do with that pain. We can turn it into MORE pain.... Or we can turn into WISDOM. Which one do you choose?

Thanks for saying what you said. And I hope I did help other people.

I'll listen to that TED talk.

I bet you did help someone already. He/she/ or they just may stay quiet about it. Just know that for that one quiet person who may have or may soon read this... They connected with you. You just may never know it. And that is ok too right? :) Giving of yourself especially on the internet is a public service in its own way. And I hope you enjoy the Ted Talk. It certainly opened my eyes about this illness. And I no longer attach a stigma to it. Education rocks. :)
 
Last edited:
I think you're right. Because I do need to start moving on and not feeling bad. I do wallow in pain a lot because it's comfortable and there's nowhere to fall if you're already down.

Laughter does help. I use humor a lot to cope. Not so much on here because I'm too shy about my fetish but I use it a lot in real life. I always joke about my hallucinations and hearing voices and just being crazy. I think I could use some tickling, giving or getting. Never had a session before. It would be nice to be physical close to somebody. Even RP is good but I haven't found anybody to do it regularly with. After all I am man and sometimes that sexual desire is hard to get past. But like I say, the more important thing is having a connection with somebody. I want to start being myself more on this forum, not just some guy with a fetish.

I have learned my lesson. It's a hard one to learn and I won't do it again because it hurts so much. Like I said I was planning on killing myself and wanted to destroy any connection I had made in my life. And now I don't want to end my life, so I want to make connections. It's just sad that it can't be with her.

You've made me realize I can't really go back and that it's over. As hard as that is to think about. I hope I meet more people I can connect with because that's what I really want. Schizophrenia and depression complicate these things because you have to find somebody who can handle both of those things. But I feel like it could happen.

You've been really helpful and I'm glad I talked to you. I like that you are open about your fetish and have a soundcloud for it. I like that you have a lot of information in your profile and aren't just looking for sex and are respectful of your own relationship.

Thanks

I try to be when I see someone hurting. This is a huge thing to go through. No one should feel alone ever. :)



So what if you did? You HAVE to forgive yourself. And forgive the disorder as well. I realize you don't WANT to forgive yourself right now. It's easier to be in pain because you are USED to being in pain. I can tell you from experiece.. your brain is literally addicted to pain. Feeling better almost feels wrong right? Thats your illness. You have good intentioned morals to feel bad about what happened. That's a good thing to have empathy. And feel bad when you hurt someone. But you're wrong to want to STAY in pain. That is something you need to proactively work on. It's your mind telling you to stay in pain. But if you work towards getting happy... (even with this disorder...) your mind will learn to let go of painful events. You want to feel better. Right? Even in your darkest moments you think to yourself on occassion. "I just want to feel better." Right? Then its time to start actively accomplishing your goals of feeling better. :)

Of all the places you could be. I think its fair to say laughter is the best medicine for you right now. And I'm not talking about Tickling. Watch comedies. Enjoy things that force you to LAUGH. Your mind and body NEED that right now and continuously through out life. That will really help you combat the cycle of being mentally addicted to pain. It works but you half to keep doing it. Every day... watch or listen to something FUNNY. :) I call that brain tickling. Because it is. :)

I realize its rare for you to find someone whom you can connect with. That is a rarity for most of us in this world. But its like you just said- if you had met her at this time rather then back then maybe things would be different. BUT you DIDN"T. You can't change the past. But you can change the future. :)

Let this just be a lesson for you. However you acted: Don't repeat that same behavior. And if you do, that will be something to talk about with someone like a therapist. To move forward in a healthy way. It's sad she isn't interested in further communication. But you should be ok with that. You are indeed owning the fact that you did something wrong. But sometimes there are consequences for our actions. So... now you have learned, don't do whatever it is that you did. Lesson learned. DONE. Yes. It cost you the friendship. But it's DONE. If you love something... sometimes you have to let it go.

You have a LOT on your life plate right now to deal with.

People aren't bandaids. She isn't your bandaid. I'm sure you know that but... it seems you are hurting and beating yourself up to the point of being unable to let her go. Don't use what you did to avoid feeling better. Pain is not your bandaid either because you think you deserve to stay in pain. Friendship and love is awesome but... at what cost? Again.. you have a LOT on your plate right now. Focus on your own life plate, and stop focusing on her life plate. In how you affected her's. She can't help you with friendship or anything else now. She's doing what's best for her now.

Thats in the past. Remember the fun times you had. And keep them in your heart. Good memories are better than none at all.

An old saying goes: Once you break a plate... it never goes back to being the way it was. Not really. That is one of the sad facts of life. We fuck up. We are human. You can't blame a dog when he pees on someones leg. He didn't mean it. He was being a dog. You are being human. With or without the illness. We make MISTAKES. If we can forgive the dog for doing dog like things... we can forgive ourselves for doing human like things. Thats the truth.

She may have been cool as the day is long. But... she's not the only nice or cool person in this world. Don't disregard all the other people in this world so easily because of this one person. That would be unfair to the rest of the world woulden't it? Spend more time in the chat room just chilling out. What are your other interests outside of this forum? You can find others who share your interests. That takes time though.

This is the internet. And there's a world off the internet too. :) Just walk outside your front door with a plan in place. :) But... you are the focus now. Not her. You are in the process of learning to live with a disorder. That takes time to learn. So, focus on YOU. Loving yourself. Learning how to love yourself. And learning what else there is to love about life itself.

With her: It's kinda like a losing a job. You may have loved the job. You may be sad that you lost the job. But... you have to find another job. We ALL do. I know relationships are complicated especially when the heart is involved. Unrequited love... or unrequited friendship should be a warning to you. You cannot keep chasing something that isn't yours to have. Why would you want to anyway? A one sided friendship or a one sided attraction is worthless if both parties don't want the same thing. That's like banging your head up against the wall. It accomplishes nothing. (Except a headache.) You have to think higher of yourself in the sense that... you have to do now what is right for YOU. You have to become stable first. And emotionally competent to maintain frienships and relationships. That thes road you're on right now. In the mean time... laugh. And laugh a LOT. :) Every day.

You reached out to her to make it right. She accepted the apology. But she wants to move on. Let that be enough for you that she accepted your apology. It would hurt worse if she didn't right? So.. she gave you what she could. An acceptance of an apology is a huge gift to give someone. So accept that gift. And take that gift for what it is. To never do that again to someone else. You're a better man now for it. And you will be a better friend in the future. That is what life entails for all of us. None of us go unscathed from pain. But its what we do with that pain. We can turn it into MORE pain.... Or we can turn into WISDOM. Which one do you choose?



I bet you did help someone already. He/she/ or they just may stay quiet about it. Just know that for that one quiet person who may have or may soon read this... They connected with you. You just may never know it. And that is ok too right? :) Giving of yourself especially on the internet is a public service in its own way. And I hope you enjoy the Ted Talk. It certainly opened my eyes about this illness. And I no longer attach a stigma to it. Education rocks. :)
 
I think you're right. Because I do need to start moving on and not feeling bad. I do wallow in pain a lot because it's comfortable and there's nowhere to fall if you're already down.

You just said exactly what it is that you and others do. Wallow. Because you are used to feeling that way. it’s a hard crutch to get away from. But it can be overcome over time. :) You just have to work at it every single day.

There are others crutches too like anger. Overeating. Undereating. Gambling. Sex… Rp… I’ll get to the latter part later here...

Laughter does help. I use humor a lot to cope. Not so much on here because I'm too shy about my fetish but I use it a lot in real life. I always joke about my hallucinations and hearing voices and just being crazy.

Laughing at ourselves is a good thing. We all do it. But… there’s a limit. Self debasing humor is a self made wall to avoid getting hurt. It’s a mask. It’s time to take it off.

There are quite a few comedians that have committed suicide. Robin Williams suffered from Depression for many, many years. Now… while he probably killed himself over his Parkinson’s diagnosis… depression was a huge factor. For whatever reason... a lot of comedians use self debasing humor to hide their pain. It’s a temporary fix because if one can make someone laugh… it makes us feel good. But in reality.. while it feels good in the moment… the feel good high wears off. And you are left with remembering why they laughed in the first place. At YOUR EXPENSE. And at the comedians life. But meanwhile they/ you continue to hurt. That’s a bandaid or crutch too. Small amounts are ok… but… you have to confront your pain first. The fact you wanted to kill yourself and tried to… you can’t run from this anymore. Don’t even try. It’s anything BUT funny what you are going through. And that usually does not translate well to others. If you told me a joke about this… your disorder… I wouldn't be sitting here laughing at you or with you. I might FAKE a laugh though. Just to feel like I’m giving you what you need. A momentary fix. But that’s wrong. It’s those little white lies we give each other to avoid discussing the real problem. We never want to hurt someone. But… we sometimes do things that are nowhere near in the best interest of our friends. Your friends may laugh at your jokes while they are in your presence… but… they’re not going home thinking these jokes are really funny. They are sad for you in what you are having to go through. They’re trying to be good friends... giving you your fix of momentary relief from your disorder. That means they do care. But… these little white lies and bandaids aren’t actually helping you. Please stop that. There are a whole host of things to laugh about in this life. It’s time to find those things rather than use yourself as the act. You’re not a joke. Your disorder isn’t a joke. That’s not helping you. Its making it worse. STOP.

One of the things I laugh at myself about (especially lately) is I am a total CLUTZ. Like I mean… I have bruises and walk into things CONSTANTLY. I drop things. I break things. I am constantly getting myself hurt because I for what reason have ZERO grace in this house lol. Now that bothers me but it doesn’t bother me to the point that it affects my self image. I don’t beat myself up over it. I WISH I was more graceful. (And I certainly don’t like the bumps I take which can be very painful.) But I accept that about myself. And can laugh at that easily now. And make jokes easily. Because here again… I don’t look at myself in the mirror and think… “I should die because I am so clumsy.” There’s a big difference in what I am doing… in comparison to what you are doing. My issue is a small potato. Your issue is a big potato.

At some point.. you may and probably WILL be able to laugh at your disorder (and make jokes) But only once you have improved your self image. And are more in control of your disorder. Until then… and you’ll know it when it comes… stay away from that. Right now… you must take this seriously and start being proactive in how you deal with it. And live with it. Your mind is far too vulnerable to be laughed at right now. Even by YOU.


I think I could use some tickling, giving or getting. Never had a session before. It would be nice to be physical close to somebody. Even RP is good but I haven't found anybody to do it regularly with. After all I am man and sometimes that sexual desire is hard to get past. But like I say, the more important thing is having a connection with somebody. I want to start being myself more on this forum, not just some guy with a fetish.

I’m sure you could use some tickling. And it's wonderful to want to be more of yourself here. I encourage that. But not tickling sessions.

Here again you are trying to find bandaids to feel better. You are avoiding the real issues you have to face FIRST. You are too vulnerable right now to do that. As part lee… when I get tickled.. It's wonderful. But… sometimes I crash afterwards. It’s called sub drop. The high only lasts so long… Now sometimes I am fine until the next session. But… sometimes I miss that feeling so much that I get depressed. A lot of people here are using rp or a session as a temporary bandage from the loneliness they feel. But it doesn’t fix the problem. It doesn’t fix the YEARS of depression you have had and still have.

Even I was using rp as a temporary fix because I wasn’t tickled at home. And tickling stories. And tickling porn. So I stopped ALL OF IT. (There were plenty of other reasons why I stopped as far as RP but…this was one of the biggest reasons. It hurt me to put myself into a fantasy I wanted to live out in real life. After an rp was over. It felt good for a bit afterwards. But when that high wore off… I was back to square one. Depressed over not getting tickled at home. My Bf was in a similar spot. Avoiding me. Getting lost on Fb and his video games. Even his job. It's only now we are starting to fix our issues. After over an entire year + of bedroom related problems. For myself: Essentially… RP was encouraging me to stay angry. Frustrated. And SAD. I WANTED an excuse to be sad. I was addicted to being sad… addicted to being angry over not getting what I wanted. I just didn't realzie what I was actually doing to myself. Prolonging the issues... prolonging the pain. So we ended up in counseling. Which was the best thing we could have done. And now we are finding ways to be together to get both of our needs met. :) We have a long way to go. But we are finally on the path together. :)

Let’s say I get into accident. And I have a 10 inch by 10 inch hole in my arm. Glass just ripped a whole section off of my arm. (Later skin! Send me a postcard! lololol) Well, common sense tells me I should go to the hospital and have it stitched up. The wound cleaned. And given antibiotics to avoid any infection or germs that could have infected it. But… if I sit here and just go “Well, I’m gonna go home and just put a bandaid on it or wrap it up myself.” - I may have just given myself a bad path to having my entire arm amputated. Quite possibly even death. Why? Because I didn’t do what was right for me in the first place. I didn’t do the steps in order to get better. Temporary solutions are just that: TEMPORARY.

I don’t know how to fly an airplane. Would you trust me to give me the keys and fly you somewhere? Because I TELL you I THINK I am ready? “Where are your credentials”? Me: “I don’t have any.” :) I have no credentials. You would tell me no right? Gotta learn to fly first with an actual instructor before you fly yourself. You are not ready yet to face the realities that can come with a tickling session. And don’t rp. Take everything off the table except for masturbation itself. Masturbation rocks and fantasy rocks. But actual tickling interactions such as these may actually be depressing you further. You need to wipe the slate clean of anything that can trigger depression. Realities include rejection. You just said you have not met anyone yet for regular rp sessions. You have done one night stand rps essentially. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. You WILL be disappointed. It’s already happened right? Just focus on talking in the main chat where all the pressure is off of you. Going into pms is practically like going into a job interview. Just enjoy chatting with us. :) It may be hard at first but we all understand the various issues that go along with Tickling. You are not alone. It’s time to come of the tickle pm closet. I know what I’m talking about with this. Please listen to me.

I have learned my lesson. It's a hard one to learn and I won't do it again because it hurts so much. Like I said I was planning on killing myself and wanted to destroy any connection I had made in my life. And now I don't want to end my life, so I want to make connections. It's just sad that it can't be with her.

Yes that is sad. But what's sadder is that you were suicidal. And your disorder. Not what you did. Your pain comes before anything else right now. It’s time to focus on it. I’m happy you learned your lesson. It is indeed one of the hardest to learn. But now over the next week you are STILL going to be thinking about her. And what you did. Don’t tell me otherwise. You may have learned the lesson… but you’re still inviting the pain in. It's time to LIVE THE LESSON. I suggest you sit in front of the mirror and actively forgive yourself face to face. “I forgive myself for: X. And don’t stop doing it until you BELIEVE it. Until you can truly smile from the relief you will feel. You need to literally fall in love with yourself as if you were dating yourself. No one else can like or love you… until you like and love yourself. And I also suggest you do the same with accepting your tickling fetish. “I have a tickling fetish. And I enjoy it. I love that about myself. How cool is this?” Say it… till you MEAN IT.

But first things first. One step at a time. Start with the forgiveness of yourself. Over everything that upsets you about yourself. One issue at a time.

Every time she comes up in your mind… you walk over to that mirror. And get a seat. Sit down and have that one on one time. “I forgive myself. I messed up but I’m a good man. And I am going to show others what a good man I am.” And MEAN IT. It will be true right? If you LET IT BE TRUE. :) This is exposure therapy too. You are exposing yourself… to YOURSELF. The mirror reflects the lies you are telling yourself. Then take a nice shower. Get dressed. And get ready to enjoy your day. Sometimes when we are depressed we tend to sit around in our pajamas and wallow in self pity. You’re done with that now. Active recovery. That's the name of the game now.

[QUOTE}You've made me realize I can't really go back and that it's over. As hard as that is to think about. I hope I meet more people I can connect with because that's what I really want. Schizophrenia and depression complicate these things because you have to find somebody who can handle both of those things. But I feel like it could happen.[/QUOTE]

PLEASE do not worry about finding acceptance in others right now. Again… you must work to accept and love YOURSELF. Let conversation be light hearted right now. And NOT at your expense with self debasing jokes. Or finding your self worth through others. Only you can give yourself that self worth.

You've been really helpful and I'm glad I talked to you. I like that you are open about your fetish and have a soundcloud for it. I like that you have a lot of information in your profile and aren't just looking for sex and are respectful of your own relationship. Thanks

You’re welcome. :) I hope I have helped with this post as well. I too am happy I do what I do on Soundcloud. :) And thank you for your compliment of the respect of my relationship. We get upset with each other but… I love him. And he loves me. :)

Be good to yourself… and learn how to be good to yourself. You're fragile right now. Respect your limits and heart, as much as I respect my relationship. You can do it!!!! :)

P.s Please note: I am not a licensed Therapist. So, you can take what I have to say here with a grain of salt. And you should.

But I do hope you have a therapist already to help guide you on your journey. And if so... I encourage you to dicuss what you have here within these posts. Opening up to someone that is certified about these things will help you tremendously. :)
 
Last edited:
It really means a lot to me that you have written so much each time, especially when you have no reason to care about me at all.

I've leaned on a lot of those crutches, overeating, anger, porn (just tickling).

I joke about a lot of things, not just my mental health, but I hear what your saying. I don't use it as a way to get compliments or anything and I don't appreciate when others do.

I hear what you're saying that I can't look for a quick fix. I don't think I need to take sex off the table completely, but I think I do need to remember it won't solve everything. I'd still like to pm with people and get to know them.

I know you're right, I need to work on myself and have been doing that this past year. I really have. but you are right...

You just said exactly what it is that you and others do. Wallow. Because you are used to feeling that way. it’s a hard crutch to get away from. But it can be overcome over time. :) You just have to work at it every single day.

There are others crutches too like anger. Overeating. Undereating. Gambling. Sex… Rp… I’ll get to the latter part later here...



Laughing at ourselves is a good thing. We all do it. But… there’s a limit. Self debasing humor is a self made wall to avoid getting hurt. It’s a mask. It’s time to take it off.

There are quite a few comedians that have committed suicide. Robin Williams suffered from Depression for many, many years. Now… while he probably killed himself over his Parkinson’s diagnosis… depression was a huge factor. For whatever reason... a lot of comedians use self debasing humor to hide their pain. It’s a temporary fix because if one can make someone laugh… it makes us feel good. But in reality.. while it feels good in the moment… the feel good high wears off. And you are left with remembering why they laughed in the first place. At YOUR EXPENSE. And at the comedians life. But meanwhile they/ you continue to hurt. That’s a bandaid or crutch too. Small amounts are ok… but… you have to confront your pain first. The fact you wanted to kill yourself and tried to… you can’t run from this anymore. Don’t even try. It’s anything BUT funny what you are going through. And that usually does not translate well to others. If you told me a joke about this… your disorder… I wouldn't be sitting here laughing at you or with you. I might FAKE a laugh though. Just to feel like I’m giving you what you need. A momentary fix. But that’s wrong. It’s those little white lies we give each other to avoid discussing the real problem. We never want to hurt someone. But… we sometimes do things that are nowhere near in the best interest of our friends. Your friends may laugh at your jokes while they are in your presence… but… they’re not going home thinking these jokes are really funny. They are sad for you in what you are having to go through. They’re trying to be good friends... giving you your fix of momentary relief from your disorder. That means they do care. But… these little white lies and bandaids aren’t actually helping you. Please stop that. There are a whole host of things to laugh about in this life. It’s time to find those things rather than use yourself as the act. You’re not a joke. Your disorder isn’t a joke. That’s not helping you. Its making it worse. STOP.

One of the things I laugh at myself about (especially lately) is I am a total CLUTZ. Like I mean… I have bruises and walk into things CONSTANTLY. I drop things. I break things. I am constantly getting myself hurt because I for what reason have ZERO grace in this house lol. Now that bothers me but it doesn’t bother me to the point that it affects my self image. I don’t beat myself up over it. I WISH I was more graceful. (And I certainly don’t like the bumps I take which can be very painful.) But I accept that about myself. And can laugh at that easily now. And make jokes easily. Because here again… I don’t look at myself in the mirror and think… “I should die because I am so clumsy.” There’s a big difference in what I am doing… in comparison to what you are doing. My issue is a small potato. Your issue is a big potato.

At some point.. you may and probably WILL be able to laugh at your disorder (and make jokes) But only once you have improved your self image. And are more in control of your disorder. Until then… and you’ll know it when it comes… stay away from that. Right now… you must take this seriously and start being proactive in how you deal with it. And live with it. Your mind is far too vulnerable to be laughed at right now. Even by YOU.




I’m sure you could use some tickling. And it's wonderful to want to be more of yourself here. I encourage that. But not tickling sessions.

Here again you are trying to find bandaids to feel better. You are avoiding the real issues you have to face FIRST. You are too vulnerable right now to do that. As part lee… when I get tickled.. It's wonderful. But… sometimes I crash afterwards. It’s called sub drop. The high only lasts so long… Now sometimes I am fine until the next session. But… sometimes I miss that feeling so much that I get depressed. A lot of people here are using rp or a session as a temporary bandage from the loneliness they feel. But it doesn’t fix the problem. It doesn’t fix the YEARS of depression you have had and still have.

Even I was using rp as a temporary fix because I wasn’t tickled at home. And tickling stories. And tickling porn. So I stopped ALL OF IT. (There were plenty of other reasons why I stopped as far as RP but…this was one of the biggest reasons. It hurt me to put myself into a fantasy I wanted to live out in real life. After an rp was over. It felt good for a bit afterwards. But when that high wore off… I was back to square one. Depressed over not getting tickled at home. My Bf was in a similar spot. Avoiding me. Getting lost on Fb and his video games. Even his job. It's only now we are starting to fix our issues. After over an entire year + of bedroom related problems. For myself: Essentially… RP was encouraging me to stay angry. Frustrated. And SAD. I WANTED an excuse to be sad. I was addicted to being sad… addicted to being angry over not getting what I wanted. I just didn't realzie what I was actually doing to myself. Prolonging the issues... prolonging the pain. So we ended up in counseling. Which was the best thing we could have done. And now we are finding ways to be together to get both of our needs met. :) We have a long way to go. But we are finally on the path together. :)

Let’s say I get into accident. And I have a 10 inch by 10 inch hole in my arm. Glass just ripped a whole section off of my arm. (Later skin! Send me a postcard! lololol) Well, common sense tells me I should go to the hospital and have it stitched up. The wound cleaned. And given antibiotics to avoid any infection or germs that could have infected it. But… if I sit here and just go “Well, I’m gonna go home and just put a bandaid on it or wrap it up myself.” - I may have just given myself a bad path to having my entire arm amputated. Quite possibly even death. Why? Because I didn’t do what was right for me in the first place. I didn’t do the steps in order to get better. Temporary solutions are just that: TEMPORARY.

I don’t know how to fly an airplane. Would you trust me to give me the keys and fly you somewhere? Because I TELL you I THINK I am ready? “Where are your credentials”? Me: “I don’t have any.” :) I have no credentials. You would tell me no right? Gotta learn to fly first with an actual instructor before you fly yourself. You are not ready yet to face the realities that can come with a tickling session. And don’t rp. Take everything off the table except for masturbation itself. Masturbation rocks and fantasy rocks. But actual tickling interactions such as these may actually be depressing you further. You need to wipe the slate clean of anything that can trigger depression. Realities include rejection. You just said you have not met anyone yet for regular rp sessions. You have done one night stand rps essentially. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. You WILL be disappointed. It’s already happened right? Just focus on talking in the main chat where all the pressure is off of you. Going into pms is practically like going into a job interview. Just enjoy chatting with us. :) It may be hard at first but we all understand the various issues that go along with Tickling. You are not alone. It’s time to come of the tickle pm closet. I know what I’m talking about with this. Please listen to me.



Yes that is sad. But what's sadder is that you were suicidal. And your disorder. Not what you did. Your pain comes before anything else right now. It’s time to focus on it. I’m happy you learned your lesson. It is indeed one of the hardest to learn. But now over the next week you are STILL going to be thinking about her. And what you did. Don’t tell me otherwise. You may have learned the lesson… but you’re still inviting the pain in. It's time to LIVE THE LESSON. I suggest you sit in front of the mirror and actively forgive yourself face to face. “I forgive myself for: X. And don’t stop doing it until you BELIEVE it. Until you can truly smile from the relief you will feel. You need to literally fall in love with yourself as if you were dating yourself. No one else can like or love you… until you like and love yourself. And I also suggest you do the same with accepting your tickling fetish. “I have a tickling fetish. And I enjoy it. I love that about myself. How cool is this?” Say it… till you MEAN IT.

But first things first. One step at a time. Start with the forgiveness of yourself. Over everything that upsets you about yourself. One issue at a time.

Every time she comes up in your mind… you walk over to that mirror. And get a seat. Sit down and have that one on one time. “I forgive myself. I messed up but I’m a good man. And I am going to show others what a good man I am.” And MEAN IT. It will be true right? If you LET IT BE TRUE. :) This is exposure therapy too. You are exposing yourself… to YOURSELF. The mirror reflects the lies you are telling yourself. Then take a nice shower. Get dressed. And get ready to enjoy your day. Sometimes when we are depressed we tend to sit around in our pajamas and wallow in self pity. You’re done with that now. Active recovery. That's the name of the game now.

[QUOTE}You've made me realize I can't really go back and that it's over. As hard as that is to think about. I hope I meet more people I can connect with because that's what I really want. Schizophrenia and depression complicate these things because you have to find somebody who can handle both of those things. But I feel like it could happen.

PLEASE do not worry about finding acceptance in others right now. Again… you must work to accept and love YOURSELF. Let conversation be light hearted right now. And NOT at your expense with self debasing jokes. Or finding your self worth through others. Only you can give yourself that self worth.



You’re welcome. :) I hope I have helped with this post as well. I too am happy I do what I do on Soundcloud. :) And thank you for your compliment of the respect of my relationship. We get upset with each other but… I love him. And he loves me. :)

Be good to yourself… and learn how to be good to yourself. You're fragile right now. Respect your limits and heart, as much as I respect my relationship. You can do it!!!! :)

P.s Please note: I am not a licensed Therapist. So, you can take what I have to say here with a grain of salt. And you should.

But I do hope you have a therapist already to help guide you on your journey. And if so... I encourage you to dicuss what you have here within these posts. Opening up to someone that is certified about these things will help you tremendously. :)[/QUOTE]
 
Great. I'm glad you hear what I am saying to you. :) And I'm glad I could be of help.

Good luck to you Yardis! :)

Take care,

Doll
 
Was talking about this in the chatroom and decided to bring it to the main forum.

I have schizophrenia, and severe depression. It impacts my life in a lot of ways. Particularly i connecting with people. But there's a lot of stigma about mental health and it's not true. I'm not Norman Bates, I'm not a serial killer, I'm a person with an illness. ...

That's the most important word here - person. It's not funny how people struggling with schizophrenia tend to be objectified by most so-called normal people.

You have a lot of guts for posting about what you're dealing with here.

Hang in there, dude.
 
That's the most important word here - person. It's not funny how people struggling with schizophrenia tend to be objectified by most so-called normal people.

You have a lot of guts for posting about what you're dealing with here.

Hang in there, dude.

\thanks..
You're right all people with a mental health problem deal with a lot of judgement, which in itself is more of an illness
 
It is strongly my opinion that there is better ways to treat mental illness than psychiatric drugs, such as more natural drugs.

Maybe you should consider going to Amsterdam and trying some legal cannabis and mushrooms. These drugs are natural and more healthy and in my opinion can help mental illness far better than prescribed drugs, but don't try mushrooms alone, I'd reccomend having someone sober with you of you take them. Cannabis is in my opinion safe to take alone.

Also, look into the history of MDMA there is interesting videos about the subject on YouTube.

However, I don't currently reccomend MDMA because I don't think it's legal anywhere currently meaning its difficult to know what is pure and what isn't. Cannabis and mushrooms are far more easy, especially when in a place where they are legally sold. This is not advice a psychiatrist will give you because theyre not earning any money out of it. So look into it yourself and do a bit of research, keep an open mind.

I'm not into weed but I agree meds aren't always best. I think psychology and healthy living help more.
 
Hey I just wanted to weigh in and let you know that I feel bad for the situation you're in and you're not the only one having a tough time. I personally don't have schizophrenia but I have a bunch of the other things that have been mentioned here before: Depression, Anxiety, High Functioning Autism, OCD, and ADHD. I'm highly emotionally unstable and extremely sensitive. I obsess over philosophical and ethical ideas without even wanting to, as well as random things that people say ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my mind with all the ideas bouncing around in my head, and I just wish my mind would shut down. Also, I too attempted suicide awhile back, and sometimes when I get really upset, I start becoming suicidal again. I start to feel like there's no hope because I feel like there's no one in the world I can possibly talk to. Over time I've basically lost touch with all my close friends, and I can only see my psychitrist once a week (or every other week, depending on how I'm feeling), unless I feel like I might actually hurt myself, in which case I have his pager. I have also been on the receiving end of people not understanding or even believing in the problems I go through. It hurts a lot, and just serves to push me even further down into the darkness of my misery.

But for all the times I've felt terrible, there were times when I've felt great and happy as well! And that's all I really want out of life in the end; a sense of inner peace. To be honest I never even realized there was a stigma around people with mental illness until very recently... But I've always been an optimist, and I'm sure that everything will work out in the end. We just have to keep trying.

Feel free to send me a message if you'd like someone to talk to :D
 
What's New

3/29/2024
The TMF Gathering forums keep you up to date on where and when folk are meeting up.
Tickle Experiment
Door 44
NEST 2024
Register here
The world's largest online clip store
Live Camgirls!
Live Camgirls
Streaming Videos
Pic of the Week
Pic of the Week
Congratulations to
*** brad1701 ***
The winner of our weekly Trivia, held every Sunday night at 11PM EST in our Chat Room
Back
Top