Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,915
- Points
- 38
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]This last Father’s Day, I wrote a piece of music expressly for my dad. The perfect gift... he really enjoys pop tunes.
My wife would complain that my chess games go on too long... lately I’ve been able to keep them in check.
When the Lone Ranger interviewed for horses, the first applicant was completely unacceptable, so anorexic you could actually count his ribs. That’s when the masked lawman first used his famous phrase: “Hiyo Sliver, away!”
Before I married, I used to wake up grumpy. These days, I just let her sleep in.
Paul Gauguin became so ill he was frequently a drooling, slobbering mess. Still, no one could fault him for the accuracy of his portraiture; one patron described it as “the spitting image”.
Businessmen say time is money. Well, I don’t buy that for a second!
My young son developed strawberry marks, so I took him to the hospital. The doctor gave me some cream for them.
Which of these isn’t like the others: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Bill Cosby and the Tooth Fairy?
The Easter Bunny. The rest don’t come until you’re sleeping.
Is my wife a sadist? Hmmm... beats me.
Teacher: “Just look at this! You spelled the country ‘Ytaly’ instead of ‘Italy’! I want you to change the capital right now!”
Student: “Hey, if Rome’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.”
I can manage to launder the contents of my wardrobe, but when it comes to my bathroom I throw in the towel.
Foreign aid: the practice of taking money from poor people in rich countries and giving it to rich people in poor countries.
My wife’s murder?... I’ve found it really hard to come to terms. Fortunately, I’ve finally located a hitman whose price is more reasonable.
“So, how was sex with your boyfriend last night?”
“Magical!”
“Really?”
“Must have been. Right afterward, he disappeared.”
My son just attended a gay orgy with my unwitting permission. When I asked what he had in mind, he told me “Swap meat”.
“People call me a Grammar Nazi, but it’s important to make sure words are used properly. I’m doing real good for everyone!”
“Don’t you mean ‘really well’?”
I got myself some matzah directly from Tel Aviv! You’d like it; Israeli good!
A mime started to brawl with a heckler. His left arm was broken before police arrived, but he still has the right to remain silent.
I’d tell a joke about my bad carpentry if I thought it woodwork.
Authorities are keeping ducks out of Flint, Michigan. They turn the waterfowl.
I thought that documentary series about kamikazes would be successful. Unfortunately, it didn’t get past the pilot episode.
Redhead: “You need to become more politically active! Don’t you care at all about Roe vs. Wade?”
Blonde: “Why should I? It hasn’t flooded here in years!”[/FONT]
* * *
My wife would complain that my chess games go on too long... lately I’ve been able to keep them in check.
* * *
When the Lone Ranger interviewed for horses, the first applicant was completely unacceptable, so anorexic you could actually count his ribs. That’s when the masked lawman first used his famous phrase: “Hiyo Sliver, away!”
* * *
Before I married, I used to wake up grumpy. These days, I just let her sleep in.
* * *
Paul Gauguin became so ill he was frequently a drooling, slobbering mess. Still, no one could fault him for the accuracy of his portraiture; one patron described it as “the spitting image”.
* * *
Businessmen say time is money. Well, I don’t buy that for a second!
* * *
My young son developed strawberry marks, so I took him to the hospital. The doctor gave me some cream for them.
* * *
Which of these isn’t like the others: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Bill Cosby and the Tooth Fairy?
The Easter Bunny. The rest don’t come until you’re sleeping.
* * *
Is my wife a sadist? Hmmm... beats me.
* * *
Teacher: “Just look at this! You spelled the country ‘Ytaly’ instead of ‘Italy’! I want you to change the capital right now!”
Student: “Hey, if Rome’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.”
* * *
I can manage to launder the contents of my wardrobe, but when it comes to my bathroom I throw in the towel.
* * *
Foreign aid: the practice of taking money from poor people in rich countries and giving it to rich people in poor countries.
* * *
My wife’s murder?... I’ve found it really hard to come to terms. Fortunately, I’ve finally located a hitman whose price is more reasonable.
* * *
“So, how was sex with your boyfriend last night?”
“Magical!”
“Really?”
“Must have been. Right afterward, he disappeared.”
* * *
My son just attended a gay orgy with my unwitting permission. When I asked what he had in mind, he told me “Swap meat”.
* * *
“People call me a Grammar Nazi, but it’s important to make sure words are used properly. I’m doing real good for everyone!”
“Don’t you mean ‘really well’?”
* * *
I got myself some matzah directly from Tel Aviv! You’d like it; Israeli good!
* * *
A mime started to brawl with a heckler. His left arm was broken before police arrived, but he still has the right to remain silent.
* * *
I’d tell a joke about my bad carpentry if I thought it woodwork.
* * *
Authorities are keeping ducks out of Flint, Michigan. They turn the waterfowl.
* * *
I thought that documentary series about kamikazes would be successful. Unfortunately, it didn’t get past the pilot episode.
* * *
Redhead: “You need to become more politically active! Don’t you care at all about Roe vs. Wade?”
Blonde: “Why should I? It hasn’t flooded here in years!”[/FONT]
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